2007年NPR美国国家公共电台四月-The Deeper Well of Memory

Welcome to this I believe, an NPR series presenting the personal philosophies of remarkable¹ men and women from all walks of life.

I believe in figuring out my own way to do things;
I believe in the power of numbers;
I believe in barbecue;
Well, I believe in friendliness;
I believe in mankind.
This I believe.

Which is the name of the series we bring you every Monday and our essay today comes from listener Christine Cleary, who lives in Cambridge Massachusetts with her two daughters. Cleary works at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute where she helps patients and families write about their experiences. Here is our series curator Jay Allison.

Through her work, Christine Cleary knows that loss creates a context where belief becomes especially important. She knows this from her own personal experience, too. Having faced the death of her husband from cancer and of her mother who suffered from Alzheimer's, enduring these events at the same time, illuminated² her belief. Here is Christine Cleary with her essay for This I Believe.

I believe that memory is never lost, even when it seems to be, because it has more to do with the heart than the mind. At the same time my 44-year-old husband Ed, was losing his life, my mother was losing her ability to remember. As Ed's lungs filled with cancer, Mom's brain was becoming tangled³ in plaque⁴. She forgot how to start the car, whether or not she had eaten and which family members had died including my father.

I became afraid that one day I, too, would be unable to recall my husband, not because of Alzheimer's, but simply because my memory of him might fade. So from the day of Ed's diagnosis⁵ until his death a year later, I set out to memorize him. His crooked⁶ smile and vigorous embrace, his woodsy smell and the way cleared his throat when he reached the top of the stairs. I knew I'd always be able to recite his qualities, kind, gentle, smart, funny, but I wanted to be able to conjure⁷ up the physical man in my mind as fully⁸ as possible when he was gone.

Back then, I thought memory was a deliberate, cognitive⁹ process, like remembering multiplication¹⁰ tables or lyrics¹¹ or where the keys were. Unable to rescue Ed from cancer, I was determined¹² to save him form the only thing worse than dying, being forgotten. Later, I learnt that memory has a will of its own. You can't control it any more than you can influence the weather. When it springs up, a person loved and lost is found if only for a few seconds.

Recently, when I was driving, I had a deep and sudden sense of Ed, and the way it felt to have him next to me in the car. My body softened¹³ as it used to when we were together seven years ago, living a shared life. I wasn't remembering his face or the way he walked. The careful details I had stored had nothing to do with this moment in the car. Looking in the rearview mirror, I recognized in my own face the same look I once saw on my mother's face in the nursing home.

I had asked her questions about my father and she became confused about his identity. Yet as she sat there, dressed in a shapeless polyester outfit¹⁴, she briefly¹⁵ appeared young and radiant, her face filled with love and her eyes misty¹⁶. Her brain couldn't label the man correctly, but that wasn't important. It was clear to me that her husband was vivid in her heart, a memory even Alzheimer's could not crush.

I believe there is a difference between memory and remembering. Remembering has to do with turning the oven off before leaving the house. But memory is nurtured¹⁷ by emotion. It springs from a deeper well, safe from dementia and the passage of time.

Christine Cleary, with her essay for This I Believe. Cleary said that she did not fully understand what she learnt from her experience until she sat down to write about it. If you would like to write for our series, please visit our website at NPR.org. For This I Believe, I'm Jay Allison.

Support for This I Believe comes from Capella University.

This I Believe is produced for NPR by This I believe Incorporated at Atlantic Public Media. For more essays in the series, please visit NPR.org/this I believe.

1 remarkable   

adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的

参考例句：

• She has made remarkable headway in her writing skills.她在写作技巧方面有了长足进步。
• These cars are remarkable for the quietness of their engines.这些汽车因发动机没有噪音而不同凡响。

2 illuminated   

adj.被照明的；受启迪的

参考例句：

• Floodlights illuminated the stadium. 泛光灯照亮了体育场。
• the illuminated city at night 夜幕中万家灯火的城市

3 tangled   

adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词

参考例句：

• Your hair's so tangled that I can't comb it. 你的头发太乱了，我梳不动。
• A movement caught his eye in the tangled undergrowth. 乱灌木丛里的晃动引起了他的注意。

4 plaque   

n.饰板，匾，(医)血小板

参考例句：

• There is a commemorative plaque to the artist in the village hall.村公所里有一块纪念该艺术家的牌匾。
• Some Latin words were engraved on the plaque. 牌匾上刻着些拉丁文。

5 diagnosis   

n.诊断，诊断结果，调查分析，判断

参考例句：

• His symptoms gave no obvious pointer to a possible diagnosis.他的症状无法作出明确的诊断。
• The engineer made a complete diagnosis of the bridge's collapse.工程师对桥的倒塌做一次彻底的调查分析。

6 crooked   

adj.弯曲的；不诚实的，狡猾的，不正当的

参考例句：

• He crooked a finger to tell us to go over to him.他弯了弯手指，示意我们到他那儿去。
• You have to drive slowly on these crooked country roads.在这些弯弯曲曲的乡间小路上你得慢慢开车。

7 conjure   

v.恳求，祈求；变魔术，变戏法

参考例句：

• I conjure you not to betray me.我恳求你不要背弃我。
• I can't simply conjure up the money out of thin air.我是不能像变魔术似的把钱变来。

8 fully   

adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地

参考例句：

• The doctor asked me to breathe in,then to breathe out fully.医生让我先吸气，然后全部呼出。
• They soon became fully integrated into the local community.他们很快就完全融入了当地人的圈子。

9 cognitive   

adj.认知的，认识的，有感知的

参考例句：

• As children grow older,their cognitive processes become sharper.孩子们越长越大，他们的认知过程变得更为敏锐。
• The cognitive psychologist is like the tinker who wants to know how a clock works.认知心理学者倒很像一个需要通晓钟表如何运转的钟表修理匠。

10 multiplication   

n.增加，增多，倍增；增殖，繁殖；乘法

参考例句：

• Our teacher used to drum our multiplication tables into us.我们老师过去老是让我们反覆背诵乘法表。
• The multiplication of numbers has made our club building too small.会员的增加使得我们的俱乐部拥挤不堪。

11 lyrics   

n.歌词

参考例句：

• music and lyrics by Rodgers and Hart 由罗杰斯和哈特作词作曲
• The book contains lyrics and guitar tablatures for over 100 songs. 这本书有100多首歌的歌词和吉他奏法谱。

12 determined   

adj.坚定的；有决心的

参考例句：

• I have determined on going to Tibet after graduation.我已决定毕业后去西藏。
• He determined to view the rooms behind the office.他决定查看一下办公室后面的房间。

13 softened   

（使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰

参考例句：

• His smile softened slightly. 他的微笑稍柔和了些。
• The ice cream softened and began to melt. 冰淇淋开始变软并开始融化。

14 outfit   

n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装

参考例句：

• Jenney bought a new outfit for her daughter's wedding.珍妮为参加女儿的婚礼买了一套新装。
• His father bought a ski outfit for him on his birthday.他父亲在他生日那天给他买了一套滑雪用具。

15 briefly   

adv.简单地，简短地

参考例句：

• I want to touch briefly on another aspect of the problem.我想简单地谈一下这个问题的另一方面。
• He was kidnapped and briefly detained by a terrorist group.他被一个恐怖组织绑架并短暂拘禁。

16 misty   

adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的

参考例句：

• He crossed over to the window to see if it was still misty.他走到窗户那儿，看看是不是还有雾霭。
• The misty scene had a dreamy quality about it.雾景给人以梦幻般的感觉。

17 nurtured   

养育( nurture的过去式和过去分词 )； 培育； 滋长； 助长

参考例句：

• She is looking fondly at the plants he had nurtured. 她深情地看着他培育的植物。
• Any latter-day Einstein would still be spotted and nurtured. 任何一个未来的爱因斯坦都会被发现并受到培养。