Oh! Thank you very much! Earth Wind & Fire in the Black Eyed Peas, everybody. As I'd like to call them "Earth Wind in Fiber". It's a nice breaker/an ice-breaker, don't judge me yet.

Welcome to the 57th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. That's right, 57, which means 50 years ago today, people who worked in television could only suspect that they were inadequate.

You've noticed some of us are wearing a magnolia is for support of the victims of Hurricane Katrina. New Orleans is my hometown, and I have family in Mississippi. Our thoughts and our prayers go out to everyone affected. I guess I don't have to point out that this is the second time I've hosted the Emmy's after a national tragedy, and I just want to say that I'm honored, because it's times like this, we really, really need laughter.

But today, we're here to celebrate television. Personally, I love TV. Some people call it "the idiot box". Really, well, if we didn't have television then how could we be watching a show honoring the people who make television on television if there was no television? Idiots!

I think the reason that we love award shows so much is because they're exciting. We don't who is gonna win or lose, well we know that HBO is gonna get a butt load of awards, but, you know, people say that HBO wins because they can show cursing and naked people. Let's be honest, we like to watch naked people cursing in real life, not not in real life. It's actually not that pleasant. It's Grandma, put your clothes on, it's Thanksgiving. We're trying to watch the parade. Ah? Where did you learn that word? Which reminds me if Ian McShane from that Deadwood wins tonight, uh, get the children out of the room, and the pets. They don't need that.

You know what, I keep hearing myself saying words like wining and losing and awards as if that's what tonight is about. Like somehow, wining an award will validate you. Come on, if you don't win tonight, it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you are not a good actor.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It just means that you're not as good as the other people in that category. Kidding again. Winning is not important, what is important is how you feel about yourself, and of course you're gonna feel a lot better about yourself if you win. But let's be realistic. Most of you tonight will not win, so, let's look at the bright side of not winning. Give me a minute, there's gonna be something.

Well, you don't have to get up, you can stay comfortably seated, and you don't have to make an acceptance speech, which is, that's not easy, that's a lot of pressure, because no matter how hard you try to thank everybody, somebody is gonna feel left out, somebody is gonna have their feelings hurt. You know, well, I guess those eyebrows've just waxed themselves. She'd look like a monkey if it weren't for me.

Here is a tip the best acceptance speech you can give is, I'd like to thank everyone who helped me get this, and you know who you are. followed by a …… It's the best thing. But please don't say you didn't expect it. You're nominated, you had a one-in-five chance. Except for Blythe Danner. Blythe Danner is nominated for 3 categories this year. Blythe, your speech? Yours should be the shortest. Just walk up and say, "I knew it."

Let's face it. Everybody wants to win, this is show business. But tonight, let's try something; let's just try to put aside our ego, our envy, our jealousy, our judgment. What am I saying? That's what we've got this year.

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things, winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priority straight, I think we all know what's really important in life, winning an Oscar. They're for movies. Man, I'd love to host that show.

All right, everybody have fun, relax. Everybody win a drunk tonight. I'll see you in a minute.