访谈录 Interview 2007-04-09&11, 单身也快乐

Florence, let me start with you, because you wrote this book about being a woman alone. You say your message to women is pretty simple that we need to embrace aloneness, and not think of it as a failure. What do you mean?

Well, of course, this is my own story, my personal story. But when I started to work with women, to my astonishment¹, I realized that about 80% of the women in my practice, married and unmarried, had extraordinary fears, a sense of shame, a sense of inadequacy² about being either in a state of aloneness, or actually women alone. They find....

But there's been a stigma³ attached to it that if you're alone, there is something that mattered with you.

A huge stigma. Men are, of course, if they are alone, they are bachelors. And women, we are still carrying the legacy⁴ of being spinsters, and dried-up and ready for the, for that youngster⁵ really. So, yeah, we have, we have a lot of learning to do. And what I'm trying to say is that if we allow ourselves to be in a state of aloneness, and we can actually be there with whatever feelings come up. But some pretty strong feelings will come up at the beginning.

Then we will grow as women.

Exactly.

And we have three ladies here, all of them in the state of aloneness at the moment. Starting with you, Maribel. You've been married. You're forty, but married twice and divorced. What does it mean to be alone after having been in a relationship?

I think you go through a transitional period, because I've always been in a long-term relationship. So you get to a point of, you enjoyed it for a little while, at least for me anyway. And then I went ...er.. came to a point of, like, what do I do, that's not who I am anymore. How do I, where, who am I right now.

So you've always attached your identity to someone else.

Exactly, exactly.

So then when I wasn't doing that anymore, 'coz as you get older, you become more peaky. You know, or you don't want to settle. And then, it's like, ok, so what do I do. And it's a matter of accepting it, and saying, ok, this is what I want, and I'm not gonna settle, so I'm going to enjoy what I do have.

And are you enjoying being alone, or do you still have a little bit of …

I go back and forth⁶, because it's just different feelings at different times. You know, I enjoy being alone. There are things I can come and go as I pleased. But you know, there are always times when you want that companionship. So I'm still, I'm not saying that I wouldn't want that relationship, of course I would, and I'm looking. But I'm not desperate for it.

And Hallie, you are 32, you've never been married. And being alone isn't really first choice for you.

It's not. I mean I think I was raised in a wonderful way. I was really encouraged to focus on my education, and now my career. And so I've been very much about my friends and my self-development. But I think now you know 32, be 33 soon. And I do think I'd like to have a relationship, a partner to go through life with. I grew up as only child for the first 18 years in my life, so I feel like I actually am very comfortable being alone and being in my own scheme, and living by myself. But I think the next part of my life, as I think it's gonna have a relationship as a part of it. So I'm looking forward to that next incarnation.

That's pretty good.

And Jacqui, you are forty, you are single. You are about to adopt a child. And you love being alone.

I do, I love being single. I think it's, you know, I have a very supportive role model. My mother, you know, was a widow in her fifty. And she always, she didn’t rush into getting remarried. And she's not remarried, and she's very happy. And she's really, sort of give me a wonderful role model of how you can be single and how to be totally happy. I'm very confident with myself. So I'm adopting a child, and I will be the first single mom. And I think so many single women put off their life, and they put their life on hold waiting for Mr. Perfect to come along. They don’t take that dream vacation they want to do. They don't buy property, because they are waiting to buy a two-bedroom with that partner Robin⁷, just going for a one-bedroom. So, I think it's such a shame that women put off waiting to live their lives until they've met Mr. Right.

I think, of course, that Jacqui has really discovered the art of being alone.

I was about to say!

Jacqui, you've graduated.

By the way, I made it, yeah.

Congratulate!

But you know what, there are a lot of women who are in kindergarten and first grade if that, and who have to learn what you've obviously learned, in order to be truly feeling very, very vitalized to be on their own.

And how do you gain the confidence, that's a thing.

I think it's not even that you gained the confidence; I think it's that you have to go through the emotions of it. And then you just get to a point of you have to accept what is in front of you, and really looking at what are the things that you want (absolutely) and accepting it, and then you can be happy with yourself.

And you can have such a full life.

I mean if you think, you know, I've got such great friends, I'm moving forward in my career, and, you know, I'm home, eating crackers⁸ in bed, you know it's really enjoyable today. You know, you can enjoy those things.

Unfortunately, we are not alone here, and someone is talking in my ears saying that we've got to wrap it up. So thank you all, Florence Falk, Maribel Vega, Hallie Hobson, and Jacqui Stafford. (Thank you.) The art of being alone.

1 astonishment   

n.惊奇，惊异

参考例句：

• They heard him give a loud shout of astonishment.他们听见他惊奇地大叫一声。
• I was filled with astonishment at her strange action.我对她的奇怪举动不胜惊异。

2 inadequacy   

n.无法胜任，信心不足

参考例句：

• the inadequacy of our resources 我们的资源的贫乏
• The failure is due to the inadequacy of preparations. 这次失败是由于准备不足造成的。

3 stigma   

n.耻辱，污名；(花的)柱头

参考例句：

• Being an unmarried mother used to carry a social stigma.做未婚母亲在社会上曾是不光彩的事。
• The stigma of losing weighed heavily on the team.失败的耻辱让整个队伍压力沉重。

4 legacy   

n.遗产，遗赠；先人(或过去)留下的东西

参考例句：

• They are the most precious cultural legacy our forefathers left.它们是我们祖先留下来的最宝贵的文化遗产。
• He thinks the legacy is a gift from the Gods.他认为这笔遗产是天赐之物。

5 youngster   

n.儿童，少年，年轻人

参考例句：

• I rode the youngster on my back.我让小孩骑在背上。
• That youngster works with a will.这小伙子干活有股傻劲儿。

6 forth   

adv.向前；向外，往外

参考例句：

• The wind moved the trees gently back and forth.风吹得树轻轻地来回摇晃。
• He gave forth a series of works in rapid succession.他很快连续发表了一系列的作品。

7 robin   

n.知更鸟，红襟鸟

参考例句：

• The robin is the messenger of spring.知更鸟是报春的使者。
• We knew spring was coming as we had seen a robin.我们看见了一只知更鸟，知道春天要到了。

8 crackers   

adj.精神错乱的，癫狂的n.爆竹( cracker的名词复数 )；薄脆饼干；（认为）十分愉快的事；迷人的姑娘

参考例句：

• That noise is driving me crackers. 那噪声闹得我简直要疯了。
• We served some crackers and cheese as an appetiser. 我们上了些饼干和奶酪作为开胃品。 来自《简明英汉词典》