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散文:If It Comes Back By Jean Gilbertson

时间:2009-03-28 05:50来源:互联网 提供网友:龙xing天下   字体: [ ]
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    (单词翻译:双击或拖选)

Charles is a lonely young man and Amy is a crippled girl on a wheelchair. They meet, get to know each other and begin going out together. Charles falls in love with Amy and hopes to be "the only chairpusher" in her life. But Amy prefers independence to being taken care of all the time. She leaves in pursuit of her goal in life.


If It Comes Back By Jean Gilbertson


Charles saw them both at the same time: the small white bird floating from among the park trees and the girl wheeling down the walk. The bird glided2 downward and rested in the grass; the girl directed the chair smoothly3 along the sunlit, shadowy walk. Her collapsible metal chair might have been motorized; it carried her along so smoothly. She stopped to watch the ducks on the pond and when she shoved the wheels again, Charles sprang to his feet. "May I push you?" he called, running across the grass to her. The white bird flew to the top of tree.


It was mostly he who talked and he seemed afraid to stop for fear she'd ask him to leave her by herself. Nothing in her face had supported the idea of helplessness conveyed by the wheelchair, and he knew that his assistance was not viewed as a favor. He asked the cause of her handicap; not because it was so important for him to know, but because it was something to keep the conversation going.


"It was an automobile4 accident when I was twelve," Amy explained. "I was reading to my younger brother in the back seat and suddenly my mother screamed and tried frantically5 to miss the truck that had pulled out in front of us. When I woke up in hospital, my mother was screaming again outside the door. This time she was trying to escape the fact that I would never walk again."


"Pretty rough on both of you. What about your brother?"


"He came out of it a little better than I did; at least he was dismissed from the hospital before I was. It took us all a long time to accept and adjust."


They went for lunch, and he would have felt awkward except that she knew completely how to take care of herself. It was he who seemed clumsy and bumped into a table; she who moved competently through the aisle6.


"Do you live with someone?" he asked the next day for he'd made a point of asking to meet her again.


"Just myself," she answered. He felt a qualm in his stomach, and it was more in memory of his own loneliness than anticipation7 of hers.


He came to like to feel the white handles in his grasp, to walk between the two white-rimmed metal wheels. And he grew almost more familiar with the slight wave at the back of her hair than with her eyes or her mouth. The chair was a moveable wonder; he loved the feeling of power and strength it gave him for so little exertion8. Once, he said to the wave at the back of her hair, " I hope I'm the only chair-pusher in your life," but she had only smiled a little and her eyes had admitted nothing. When he looked up, he noticed a white bird flying from one tree to another, tracing their route with them.


She cooked dinner for him once in June. He expected her to be proud of her ability to do everything from her seat in the wheelchair — and was faintly disappointed to see that she would not feel pride at what was, for her, simply a matter of course. He watched his own hand pick up the salt shaker and place it on one of the higher, unused cabinet shelves, then awaited her plea for assistance. He didn't know why he'd done it, but the look in her eyes a moment later gave him a shock in his easy joy. He felt as though he were playing poker9 and he had just accidentally revealed his hand to the opponent. To make her forget what he'd done, he told her about the little white bird in the park.


"I've seen it, too," she said. "I read a poem once about a little white bird that came to rest on a window sill and the lady who lived in the house began to put out food for it. Soon the lady fell in love, but it was a mismatched love. Everyday the little bird came to the window and the lady put out food. When the love affair was over, the little white bird never returned, but the woman went on putting out the crumbs10 every day for years and the wind just blew them away."


In July he took her boating frequently. She prepared a picnic lunch each time, and he manned the sails. The most awkward event of this, she felt, was the loading and unloading of herself. For Charles, however, these "freight handlings," as she came to call it, seemed to be the highlight of the outings. He appeared to take great delight in wheeling her to the end of the pier11, picking her up out of the chair, balancing himself to set her into the boat, then collapsing12 the chair and setting it on its side on board. On the first few outings, she had felt distinctly ill at ease at having been placed helplessly in a spot form which she could not move herself. It occurred to her, too, that she was unable to swim, should the boat turn over. Charles, who adapted himself marvelously to the captain's role, was completely oblivious13 to her discomfort14; she noted15 with a returning sense of helplessness how much he enjoyed being in control. When he called for her one day in early August with a brand new captain's hat cocked atop his soft brown hair, all her emotions revolted at the idea of another day trapped on the wooden seat over the water — and she refused to go.


They would, instead, she said, go for a walk in which she would move herself by the strength of her own arms and he would walk beside her. He finally agreed, but his displeasure grew with each step; this was a role he didn't want to play.


"Why don't you just rest your arms and let me push you?"


"No."


"Your arms'll get sore; I've been helping16 you do it for three months now."


"I wheeled myself for twelve years before you came along - I doubt that my arms have forgotten how."


"But I don't like having to walk beside you while you push yourself!"


"Do you think I've liked having to sit helpless in your boat every weekend for the past two months?"


For a moment he was stunned17 into silence by this new learning. Finally he said quietly, "I never realized that, Amy. You're in a wheelchair all the time — I never thought you'd mind sitting in the boat. It's the same thing."


"It is not the same thing. In this chair, I can move by myself; I can go anywhere I need to go. That boat traps me so I can't do anything — I couldn't even save myself if something happened and I fell out."


"But I'm there. Don't you think I could save you or help you move or whatever it is you want?"


"Yes, but Charles — the point is I've spent twelve years learning to manage by myself. I even live in a city that's miles from my family so I'll have to be independent and do things for myself. Being placed in the boat takes all that I've won away from me. Can't you see why I object to it? I can't let myself be at anyone's mercy — not even yours."


They continued down the path in silence as his feelings boiled within him and finally ran over the edge of his control: "Amy, I need to have you dependent upon me. I need your dependence1 upon me." And, as if to punctuate18 his desire, he took the familiar white bars in hand and pushed her rapidly along so that her own hands came off the wheels and rested in her lap. The wave at the back of her hair did not show the anger in her eyes, and it was just as well for it was an anger he would not have understood.


She would not answer her telephone the next morning but in his mail that afternoon came an envelope that he knew had come from Amy. The handwriting was not beautiful, but it was without question hers. Inside was only a card on which she had written:


If you want something baby written,


You must let it go free.


If it comes back to you,


It's yours.


If it doesn't,


You really never had it anyway.


(Anonymous)


He ran out of his apartment, refusing to believe that Amy might no longer be in her home. As he was running towards her apartment, he kept hearing a roar in his ears: "You must let it go free; you must let it go free."


But he thought: I can't risk it, she is mine, can't just let go, can't give her a chance not to belong to me, can't let her think she doesn't need me, she must need me. Oh God, I have to have her.


But her apartment was empty. Somehow in the hours overnight, she had packed — by herself — and moved by herself. The rooms were now impersonal19; their cold stillness could not respond when he fell to the floor and sobbed20.


By the middle of August he had heard nothing from Amy. He lay often on his bed with her letter on his chest and counted the minute cracks in his ceiling; he went often to the park but scrupulously21 avoided looking for the white bird. Sometimes he would sit for hours there in the wind under a tree and not even notice that he was outside, that life went on around him.


September came and had almost gone before he finally received an envelope of familiar stationery22. The handwriting was not beautiful but it was without question hers. The postmark was that of a city many miles distant. With a shock of feeling returning to his heart, he tore open the envelope and at first thought it was empty. Then he noticed on his desk a single white feather that had fallen from it. In his mind, the white bird rose in flight and its wings let fly one feather. Were it not for the feather lost in departure, no one would have known that the white bird had ever been. Thus he knew Amy would not be back, and it was many hours before he let the feather drop out of his hand.


点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 dependence 3wsx9     
n.依靠,依赖;信任,信赖;隶属
参考例句:
  • Doctors keep trying to break her dependence of the drug.医生们尽力使她戒除毒瘾。
  • He was freed from financial dependence on his parents.他在经济上摆脱了对父母的依赖。
2 glided dc24e51e27cfc17f7f45752acf858ed1     
v.滑动( glide的过去式和过去分词 );掠过;(鸟或飞机 ) 滑翔
参考例句:
  • The President's motorcade glided by. 总统的车队一溜烟开了过去。
  • They glided along the wall until they were out of sight. 他们沿着墙壁溜得无影无踪。 来自《简明英汉词典》
3 smoothly iiUzLG     
adv.平滑地,顺利地,流利地,流畅地
参考例句:
  • The workmen are very cooperative,so the work goes on smoothly.工人们十分合作,所以工作进展顺利。
  • Just change one or two words and the sentence will read smoothly.这句话只要动一两个字就顺了。
4 automobile rP1yv     
n.汽车,机动车
参考例句:
  • He is repairing the brake lever of an automobile.他正在修理汽车的刹车杆。
  • The automobile slowed down to go around the curves in the road.汽车在路上转弯时放慢了速度。
5 frantically ui9xL     
ad.发狂地, 发疯地
参考例句:
  • He dashed frantically across the road. 他疯狂地跑过马路。
  • She bid frantically for the old chair. 她发狂地喊出高价要买那把古老的椅子。
6 aisle qxPz3     
n.(教堂、教室、戏院等里的)过道,通道
参考例句:
  • The aisle was crammed with people.过道上挤满了人。
  • The girl ushered me along the aisle to my seat.引座小姐带领我沿着通道到我的座位上去。
7 anticipation iMTyh     
n.预期,预料,期望
参考例句:
  • We waited at the station in anticipation of her arrival.我们在车站等着,期待她的到来。
  • The animals grew restless as if in anticipation of an earthquake.各种动物都变得焦躁不安,像是感到了地震即将发生。
8 exertion F7Fyi     
n.尽力,努力
参考例句:
  • We were sweating profusely from the exertion of moving the furniture.我们搬动家具大费气力,累得大汗淋漓。
  • She was hot and breathless from the exertion of cycling uphill.由于用力骑车爬坡,她浑身发热。
9 poker ilozCG     
n.扑克;vt.烙制
参考例句:
  • He was cleared out in the poker game.他打扑克牌,把钱都输光了。
  • I'm old enough to play poker and do something with it.我打扑克是老手了,可以玩些花样。
10 crumbs crumbs     
int. (表示惊讶)哎呀 n. 碎屑 名词crumb的复数形式
参考例句:
  • She stood up and brushed the crumbs from her sweater. 她站起身掸掉了毛衣上的面包屑。
  • Oh crumbs! Is that the time? 啊,天哪!都这会儿啦?
11 pier U22zk     
n.码头;桥墩,桥柱;[建]窗间壁,支柱
参考例句:
  • The pier of the bridge has been so badly damaged that experts worry it is unable to bear weight.这座桥的桥桩破损厉害,专家担心它已不能负重。
  • The ship was making towards the pier.船正驶向码头。
12 collapsing 6becc10b3eacfd79485e188c6ac90cb2     
压扁[平],毁坏,断裂
参考例句:
  • Rescuers used props to stop the roof of the tunnel collapsing. 救援人员用支柱防止隧道顶塌陷。
  • The rocks were folded by collapsing into the center of the trough. 岩石由于坍陷进入凹槽的中心而发生褶皱。
13 oblivious Y0Byc     
adj.易忘的,遗忘的,忘却的,健忘的
参考例句:
  • Mother has become quite oblivious after the illness.这次病后,妈妈变得特别健忘。
  • He was quite oblivious of the danger.他完全没有察觉到危险。
14 discomfort cuvxN     
n.不舒服,不安,难过,困难,不方便
参考例句:
  • One has to bear a little discomfort while travelling.旅行中总要忍受一点不便。
  • She turned red with discomfort when the teacher spoke.老师讲话时她不好意思地红着脸。
15 noted 5n4zXc     
adj.著名的,知名的
参考例句:
  • The local hotel is noted for its good table.当地的那家酒店以餐食精美而著称。
  • Jim is noted for arriving late for work.吉姆上班迟到出了名。
16 helping 2rGzDc     
n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的,辅助的
参考例句:
  • The poor children regularly pony up for a second helping of my hamburger. 那些可怜的孩子们总是要求我把我的汉堡包再给他们一份。
  • By doing this, they may at times be helping to restore competition. 这样一来, 他在某些时候,有助于竞争的加强。
17 stunned 735ec6d53723be15b1737edd89183ec2     
adj. 震惊的,惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词
参考例句:
  • The fall stunned me for a moment. 那一下摔得我昏迷了片刻。
  • The leaders of the Kopper Company were then stunned speechless. 科伯公司的领导们当时被惊得目瞪口呆。
18 punctuate 1iPyL     
vt.加标点于;不时打断
参考例句:
  • The pupils have not yet learned to punctuate correctly.小学生尚未学会正确使用标点符号。
  • Be sure to punctuate your sentences with the correct marks in the right places.一定要在你文章句子中的正确地方标上正确的标点符号。
19 impersonal Ck6yp     
adj.无个人感情的,与个人无关的,非人称的
参考例句:
  • Even his children found him strangely distant and impersonal.他的孩子们也认为他跟其他人很疏远,没有人情味。
  • His manner seemed rather stiff and impersonal.他的态度似乎很生硬冷淡。
20 sobbed 4a153e2bbe39eef90bf6a4beb2dba759     
哭泣,啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 ); 哭诉,呜咽地说
参考例句:
  • She sobbed out the story of her son's death. 她哭诉着她儿子的死。
  • She sobbed out the sad story of her son's death. 她哽咽着诉说她儿子死去的悲惨经过。
21 scrupulously Tj5zRa     
adv.一丝不苟地;小心翼翼地,多顾虑地
参考例句:
  • She toed scrupulously into the room. 她小心翼翼地踮着脚走进房间。 来自辞典例句
  • To others he would be scrupulously fair. 对待别人,他力求公正。 来自英汉非文学 - 文明史
22 stationery ku6wb     
n.文具;(配套的)信笺信封
参考例句:
  • She works in the stationery department of a big store.她在一家大商店的文具部工作。
  • There was something very comfortable in having plenty of stationery.文具一多,心里自会觉得踏实。
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