Breaking Wind

    There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction¹ in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
    The noise would always awake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp² for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it.
    She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes³ away with her hands.
    She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts⁴（肠子） out." The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.
    Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed⁵ pumpkin⁶ pie, mashed⁷ potatoes, gravy⁸ and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards（内脏）, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
    With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent（胃涨气的） husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts.
    She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass⁹ trumpeting¹⁰. This was soon followed by a blood curdling¹¹ scream and the sound of frantic¹² footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
    The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked himwhat was the matter.
    He said, "Honey, you were right--all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you.""What do you mean?" asked his wife.
    "Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

1 friction   

n.摩擦，摩擦力

参考例句：

• When Joan returned to work,the friction between them increased.琼回来工作后，他们之间的摩擦加剧了。
• Friction acts on moving bodies and brings them to a stop.摩擦力作用于运动着的物体，并使其停止。

2 gasp   

n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说

参考例句：

• She gave a gasp of surprise.她吃惊得大口喘气。
• The enemy are at their last gasp.敌人在做垂死的挣扎。

3 fumes   

n.(强烈而刺激的)气味，气体

参考例句：

• The health of our children is being endangered by exhaust fumes. 我们孩子们的健康正受到排放出的废气的损害。
• Exhaust fumes are bad for your health. 废气对健康有害。

4 guts   

v.狼吞虎咽，贪婪地吃，飞碟游戏（比赛双方每组5人，相距15码，互相掷接飞碟）；毁坏（建筑物等）的内部( gut的第三人称单数 )；取出…的内脏n.勇气( gut的名词复数 )；内脏；消化道的下段；肠

参考例句：

• I'll only cook fish if the guts have been removed. 鱼若已收拾干净，我只需烧一下即可。
• Barbara hasn't got the guts to leave her mother. 巴巴拉没有勇气离开她妈妈。 来自《简明英汉词典》

5 fixed   

adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的

参考例句：

• Have you two fixed on a date for the wedding yet?你们俩选定婚期了吗？
• Once the aim is fixed,we should not change it arbitrarily.目标一旦确定，我们就不应该随意改变。

6 pumpkin   

n.南瓜

参考例句：

• They ate turkey and pumpkin pie.他们吃了火鸡和南瓜馅饼。
• It looks like there is a person looking out of the pumpkin!看起来就像南瓜里有人在看着你！

7 mashed   

a.捣烂的

参考例句：

• two scoops of mashed potato 两勺土豆泥
• Just one scoop of mashed potato for me, please. 请给我盛一勺土豆泥。

8 gravy   

n.肉汁；轻易得来的钱，外快

参考例句：

• You have spilled gravy on the tablecloth.你把肉汁泼到台布上了。
• The meat was swimming in gravy.肉泡在浓汁之中。

9 ass   

n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人

参考例句：

• He is not an ass as they make him.他不象大家猜想的那样笨。
• An ass endures his burden but not more than his burden.驴能负重但不能超过它能力所负担的。

10 trumpeting   

大声说出或宣告（trumpet的现在分词形式）

参考例句：

• She is always trumpeting her son. 她总是吹嘘她儿子。
• The wind is trumpeting, a bugle calling to charge! 风在掌号。冲锋号！ 来自汉英文学 - 散文英译

11 curdling   

n.凝化v.（使）凝结( curdle的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• Curdling occurs when milk turns sour and forms solid2 chunks. 凝结时牛奶变酸并且结成2大块固体。 来自互联网
• The sluggish cream wound curdling spirals through her tea. 黏糊糊的奶油在她的红茶里弯弯曲曲地凝结成螺旋形。 来自互联网

12 frantic   

adj.狂乱的，错乱的，激昂的

参考例句：

• I've had a frantic rush to get my work done.我急急忙忙地赶完工作。
• He made frantic dash for the departing train.他发疯似地冲向正开出的火车。