英语笑话选(1)

                            English Jokes Selections (1)

                                               一
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when

all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing¹ it instantly. Bill told his driver

to go up to the farmhouse² and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle

of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and

torn. "What happened to you", asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the

wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad

passionate³ love to me." "My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton. The

driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".

                                               二
A six-year-old girl asks her mother, - "Mommy, how old are you?"
The mother replies, - "Honey, that's a very personal question. You
are not supposed to ask a woman her age."

Then she asks, - " How much do you weigh?"

The mother says, - "Honey, that is also a personal question. People
don't want to be asked about their weight."

The girl goes on, - "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother says, - "That's a very sensitive subject. When you are
older, I'll tell you."

The next day, the girl goes to the kindergarten and tells her friend
about the conversation she had with her mother. Her friend says, -
"That's easy!! Look at her driver's license⁴. You can find all the
information in there."

So the girl finds her mother's driver's license in her purse, looks at
it for a while, smiles big, and runs to her mother. - "Mommy, mommy, I
know how old you are! You are 32! I know how much you weigh, too! You
weigh 130 pounds! And I also know why you got a divorce! You got an
"F" in sex! "

                                               三
A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow

$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for

such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on

the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to

accept the car as collateral⁵ for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into

the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the

businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to

$15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and

this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While

you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The businessman

replied, Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks⁶?"

                                               四
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer!
=--=
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and
start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a
break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto⁷ insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to
recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to
YOU...

1 killing   

n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财

参考例句：

• Investors are set to make a killing from the sell-off.投资者准备清仓以便大赚一笔。
• Last week my brother made a killing on Wall Street.上个周我兄弟在华尔街赚了一大笔。

2 farmhouse   

n.农场住宅（尤指主要住房）

参考例句：

• We fell for the farmhouse as soon as we saw it.我们对那所农舍一见倾心。
• We put up for the night at a farmhouse.我们在一间农舍投宿了一夜。

3 passionate   

adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的

参考例句：

• He is said to be the most passionate man.据说他是最有激情的人。
• He is very passionate about the project.他对那个项目非常热心。

4 license   

n.执照，许可证，特许；v.许可，特许

参考例句：

• The foreign guest has a license on the person.这个外国客人随身携带执照。
• The driver was arrested for having false license plates on his car.司机由于使用假车牌而被捕。

5 collateral   

adj.平行的；旁系的；n.担保品

参考例句：

• Many people use personal assets as collateral for small business loans.很多人把个人财产用作小额商业贷款的抵押品。
• Most people here cannot borrow from banks because they lack collateral.由于拿不出东西作为抵押，这里大部分人无法从银行贷款。

6 bucks   

n.雄鹿( buck的名词复数 )；钱；（英国十九世纪初的）花花公子；（用于某些表达方式）责任v.（马等）猛然弓背跃起( buck的第三人称单数 )；抵制；猛然震荡；马等尥起后蹄跳跃

参考例句：

• They cost ten bucks. 这些值十元钱。
• They are hunting for bucks. 他们正在猎雄兔。 来自《简明英汉词典》

7 auto   

n.(=automobile)(口语)汽车

参考例句：

• Don't park your auto here.别把你的汽车停在这儿。
• The auto industry has brought many people to Detroit.汽车工业把许多人吸引到了底特律。