英语美文：An Odd Profession

 DO you remember that TV game show called What’s My Line?  Panellists had to question contestants¹ in order to determine their occupation. If I’d have been on it, they would never have guessed correctly. Never, never in a million years.

Why? Well, because my work is so very secretive. Everyone can see the consequences of what I do but no-one, absolutely no-one, knows how I do it. Intrigued²? Well, I’m not going to tell how I do what I do, but rest assured, I am very successful.

Want a few clues? Go on then, here they are. The skills needed for my work include imagination, stealth, an acute awareness³ of colour co-ordination and a love of the mischievous⁴.  It’s a seasonal⁵ job, my output is at its lowest in the summer months, I usually work on my own, although occasionally with some assistance and I am self-employed.

Remuneration? You don’t get paid for what I do, you do it purely⁶ and simply for job satisfaction, the pleasure you get from achieving your goals. It beats any salary, company car, shares option. Honestly, trust me.

So, let’s get down to the nitty gritty shall we. Some people have put forward the theory that somewhere out there is a dark, evil creature from the other side of a black hole that consumes their socks! One at a time. Just one of course, one half of a matching pair.

You know the feeling don’t you? You do a wash and put in an even number of socks and when you retrieve⁷ your wash you’re left with an odd number of socks. But socks don’t just go missing whilst in the washing machine, oh no, they can disappear anywhere, at any time when I’m around.

Now I’m quite insulted by the theory that a ‘dark evil creature’ is responsible. It’s not. It’s me, Sylvester and I’m, well I can be best described as a sock spirit, a sequester⁸ of socks, a sock snatcher. There I’ve said it, it’s out in the open.

So go on, admit it, if you were on What’s My Line? and this came up, you’d never have got it would you?

I’m not ‘dark’ (quite the opposite, indeed if I had a human form I would rather like it to be sandy-haired and fair-skinned - in an English public school sort of way, think Brideshead Revisited) and certainly not evil.

I mean, what’s evil about what I do? The sock industry would have gone under without my efforts, I keep people in jobs I do. And remember all those awful socks you received as Christmas presents; took care of that particular problem didn’t I and did I get any thanks for it? No, not on your nelly.

Okay, I do get a great deal of satisfaction from seeing the frustration⁹ on your faces, especially when it boils over.

“Where’s my sock, what the hell have you done with it” spoken from the mouth of an anguished¹⁰ spouse/partner/son/daughter etc is music to my ears. But that’s not evil is it, just enjoying observing human behaviour, the absurd belief that someone must have whisked away the sock DELIBERATELY¹¹! Why would a loved one do that for God’s sake? Get a life!

I also get quite excited when the time factor is added to proceedings¹². The longer the sock goes missing, the greater the frustration. Such joy.

As I mentioned earlier, it’s a seasonal role. In the summer months many people dispense¹³ with wearing socks so I can’t be as effective. Mind you, you won’t find me supporting the style police in their cruel, relentless¹⁴ persecution¹⁵ of middle aged¹⁶ men who wear sandals AND socks. No way, the sock wearers have my backing 100 per cent.

So how exactly do I do it, I can hear you asking. Well, I’m not telling but dear folk if you think you can outwit me think again.

Okay, you shouldn’t just fling your socks on the floor willy nilly instead of putting them in a basket. That’s just making things easy for me. You should also thoroughly¹⁷ examine the interiors of washing machines and dryers¹⁸ and carry out exhaustive searches behind radiators¹⁹ and under beds. But beware, you can try and eliminate as many opportunities as you can for the sock snatcher to swoop²⁰ but I will succeed.

Now I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I didn’t concede that occasionally (just occasionally mind) I may have a little outside help.

Animals can and sometimes do play their part. Dogs especially can be very useful. I once knew of an Irish Red Setter called Max who was 100 per cent effective (he ate them!) but this only lasted for a short while, because within a couple of days the sock would reappear, although no-one would ever wear it again - so job done.

If you leave your socks rolled up into a tight ball, the feline²¹ world will move in and those crafty²² little creatures are nobody’s mugs. Just try taking it off them and see what happens. They can be vicious, trust me.

Some acquaintances have asked me if I’ve ever considered branching out, and frankly²³ the answer is no.

Of course I’ve been tempted²⁴ to expand (many a successful business has thrived by diversifying) but the likes of bracelets²⁵, keys, watches, TV remote controls and phones leave me cold.

No, socks are my core business, and I’m sticking to them. They’ve been around for a long time - as far back as the eighth century BC - and the ancient Greeks wore socks made from matted animal hair for warmth.

The word sock apparently²⁶ has its origins in the Latin soccus, old English socc and Middle English socke. So there is plenty of history there.

And now, as we enter a new decade, theories are still being expounded²⁷ as to how society can be proactive and end what it sees as a curse.

Ideas such as buying sets of three or buying only black or white socks have been put forward by some smart arses but they are not foolproof. No way, I’d just nick more socks. I’m afraid you’re stuck with the dilemma²⁸ of the missing sock until the day that you decide to make the ultimate sacrifice.

You won’t say it will you, thought not, so it’s down to me. I will only go away when you bite the bullet and decide you are quite comfortable going out and about in public wearing ODD SOCKS.

1 contestants   

n.竞争者，参赛者( contestant的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• The competition attracted over 500 contestants representing 8 different countries. 这次比赛吸引了代表8个不同国家的500多名参赛者。
• Two candidates are emerging as contestants for the presidency. 两位候选人最终成为总统职位竞争者。 来自《简明英汉词典》

2 intrigued   

adj.好奇的，被迷住了的v.搞阴谋诡计(intrigue的过去式)；激起…的兴趣或好奇心；“intrigue”的过去式和过去分词

参考例句：

• You've really intrigued me—tell me more! 你说的真有意思—再给我讲一些吧！
• He was intrigued by her story. 他被她的故事迷住了。

3 awareness   

n.意识，觉悟，懂事，明智

参考例句：

• There is a general awareness that smoking is harmful.人们普遍认识到吸烟有害健康。
• Environmental awareness has increased over the years.这些年来人们的环境意识增强了。

4 mischievous   

adj.调皮的，恶作剧的，有害的，伤人的

参考例句：

• He is a mischievous but lovable boy.他是一个淘气但可爱的小孩。
• A mischievous cur must be tied short.恶狗必须拴得短。

5 seasonal   

adj.季节的，季节性的

参考例句：

• The town relies on the seasonal tourist industry for jobs.这个城镇依靠季节性旅游业提供就业机会。
• The hors d'oeuvre is seasonal vegetables.餐前小吃是应时蔬菜。

6 purely   

adv.纯粹地，完全地

参考例句：

• I helped him purely and simply out of friendship.我帮他纯粹是出于友情。
• This disproves the theory that children are purely imitative.这证明认为儿童只会单纯地模仿的理论是站不住脚的。

7 retrieve   

vt.重新得到，收回；挽回，补救；检索

参考例句：

• He was determined to retrieve his honor.他决心恢复名誉。
• The men were trying to retrieve weapons left when the army abandoned the island.士兵们正试图找回军队从该岛撤退时留下的武器。

8 sequester   

vt.使退隐，使隔绝

参考例句：

• Everything he owned was sequestered.他的所有财产都被扣押了。
• This jury is expected to be sequestered for at least two months.预计这个陪审团将至少被隔离两个月。

9 frustration   

n.挫折，失败，失效，落空

参考例句：

• He had to fight back tears of frustration.他不得不强忍住失意的泪水。
• He beat his hands on the steering wheel in frustration.他沮丧地用手打了几下方向盘。

10 anguished   

adj.极其痛苦的v.使极度痛苦(anguish的过去式)

参考例句：

• Desmond eyed her anguished face with sympathy. 看着她痛苦的脸，德斯蒙德觉得理解。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The loss of her husband anguished her deeply. 她丈夫的死亡使她悲痛万分。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

11 deliberately   

adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地

参考例句：

• The girl gave the show away deliberately.女孩故意泄露秘密。
• They deliberately shifted off the argument.他们故意回避这个论点。

12 proceedings   

n.进程，过程，议程；诉讼(程序)；公报

参考例句：

• He was released on bail pending committal proceedings. 他交保获释正在候审。
• to initiate legal proceedings against sb 对某人提起诉讼

13 dispense   

vt.分配，分发；配(药)，发(药)；实施

参考例句：

• Let us dispense the food.咱们来分发这食物。
• The charity has been given a large sum of money to dispense as it sees fit.这个慈善机构获得一大笔钱，可自行适当分配。

14 relentless   

adj.残酷的，不留情的，无怜悯心的

参考例句：

• The traffic noise is relentless.交通车辆的噪音一刻也不停止。
• Their training has to be relentless.他们的训练必须是无情的。

15 persecution   

n. 迫害,烦扰

参考例句：

• He had fled from France at the time of the persecution. 他在大迫害时期逃离了法国。
• Their persecution only serves to arouse the opposition of the people. 他们的迫害只激起人民对他们的反抗。

16 aged   

adj.年老的，陈年的

参考例句：

• He had put on weight and aged a little.他胖了，也老点了。
• He is aged,but his memory is still good.他已年老，然而记忆力还好。

17 thoroughly   

adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地

参考例句：

• The soil must be thoroughly turned over before planting.一定要先把土地深翻一遍再下种。
• The soldiers have been thoroughly instructed in the care of their weapons.士兵们都系统地接受过保护武器的训练。

18 dryers   

n.干燥机( dryer的名词复数 )；干燥器；干燥剂；干燥工

参考例句：

• Men also have hair dryers and, if they suffer from baldness, they use a growth stimulator, buy hairpieces, or have hair transplanted from the hirsute part of the scalp to the bare areas. 男士也有他们的吹风机，而且如果他们秃顶的话，还会用毛发生长剂、买假发，或者把头发从密集的地方移植到谢顶的地方。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The dryers can be automated. 干燥机可以自动化作业。 来自辞典例句

19 radiators   

n.（暖气设备的）散热器( radiator的名词复数 )；汽车引擎的冷却器，散热器

参考例句：

• You can preset the radiators to come on when you need them to. 你可以预先调好暖气，使它在你需要的时候启动。
• Stars are radiators of vast power. 恒星是强大的发光体。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

20 swoop   

n.俯冲，攫取；v.抓取，突然袭击

参考例句：

• The plane made a swoop over the city.那架飞机突然向这座城市猛降下来。
• We decided to swoop down upon the enemy there.我们决定突袭驻在那里的敌人。

21 feline   

adj.猫科的

参考例句：

• As a result,humans have learned to respect feline independence.结果是人们已经学会尊重猫的独立性。
• The awakening was almost feline in its stealthiness.这种醒觉，简直和猫的脚步一样地轻悄。

22 crafty   

adj.狡猾的，诡诈的

参考例句：

• He admired the old man for his crafty plan.他敬佩老者的神机妙算。
• He was an accomplished politician and a crafty autocrat.他是个有造诣的政治家，也是个狡黠的独裁者。

23 frankly   

adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说

参考例句：

• To speak frankly, I don't like the idea at all.老实说，我一点也不赞成这个主意。
• Frankly speaking, I'm not opposed to reform.坦率地说，我不反对改革。

24 tempted   

v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词）

参考例句：

• I was sorely tempted to complain, but I didn't. 我极想发牢骚，但还是没开口。
• I was tempted by the dessert menu. 甜食菜单馋得我垂涎欲滴。

25 bracelets   

n.手镯，臂镯( bracelet的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• The lamplight struck a gleam from her bracelets. 她的手镯在灯光的照射下闪闪发亮。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• On display are earrings, necklaces and bracelets made from jade, amber and amethyst. 展出的有用玉石、琥珀和紫水晶做的耳环、项链和手镯。 来自《简明英汉词典》

26 apparently   

adv.显然地；表面上，似乎

参考例句：

• An apparently blind alley leads suddenly into an open space.山穷水尽，豁然开朗。
• He was apparently much surprised at the news.他对那个消息显然感到十分惊异。

27 expounded   

论述，详细讲解( expound的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• He expounded his views on the subject to me at great length. 他详细地向我阐述了他在这个问题上的观点。
• He warmed up as he expounded his views. 他在阐明自己的意见时激动起来了。

28 dilemma   

n.困境，进退两难的局面

参考例句：

• I am on the horns of a dilemma about the matter.这件事使我进退两难。
• He was thrown into a dilemma.他陷入困境。