美国国家公共电台 NPR The New York Review Of Children's Books

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The New York Review Of Children's Books

JONATHAN COULTON: From NPR and WNYC, coming to you from the Bell House in beautiful Brooklyn, N.Y., it's NPR's hour of puzzles, word games and trivia, ASK ME ANOTHER. I'm Jonathan Coulton. Now here's your host, Ophira Eisenberg.

(APPLAUSE)

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Thank you, Jonathan. We have a great show for you. Some genius contestants¹ are backstage waiting to play our nerdy games, re-reading the encyclopedia². But only one of them will be today's big winner. And we have three - count 'em, three - special guests. We'll be talking to fashion photographer, blogger and New York Times best-selling author Garance Dore about her favorite topics - love, style and life, and joining us as well, director Ira Sachs and actor Jennifer Ehle. Their new film "Little Men" deals with the themes of love, money and New York real estate stress.

Now, we know many of our listeners live in houses and ranches³, compounds, some of them even layers. But here in New York, we are all squished in tiny apartments. But it's amazing how you adjust. I mean, me and my husband will be sitting side by side on the couch 'cause that's the only option. And I'll ask him a question, and he'll pretend not to hear me. See? That's how you create space.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Let's get things started and meet our first two contestants. Mia Azaar, you are a dental hygiene⁴ student. But more importantly, you once threw up on a sea turtle.

(LAUGHTER)

MIA AZAAR: Yes.

EISENBERG: Mia, are you allergic⁵ to sea turtles?

AZAAR: We were - we went on a cruise. It was my honeymoon⁶, and I didn't know I would get seasick⁷. And I just kept throwing up. Like, we finally docked somewhere...

EISENBERG: Yeah.

AZAAR: And they were just in the water, and it just happened to land on them, unfortunately.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Did they give you one of those sea turtle disappointment looks, with the little, like, really?

AZAAR: I don't know. I was too busy throwing up.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: I think sea turtles are always borderline disappointed, right?

COULTON: Well, they're pretty judgy, pretty judgy.

EISENBERG: They are judgy. Also we have Mike Wood. You are a school teacher, and you use the "Hamilton" soundtrack in your classroom.

MIKE WOOD: Yes, I do.

EISENBERG: That sounds like some lazy teaching.

(LAUGHTER)

WOOD: The kids love it.

EISENBERG: Of course they do.

WOOD: A couple of swears here and there, sneak⁸ them in.

EISENBERG: Right, and they think ooh, edgy⁹. Mike, what is your least favorite children's book?

WOOD: "Hop¹⁰ On Pop."

EISENBERG: "Hop On Pop?"

WOOD: Or anything by Dr. Seuss. I can't stand him.

EISENBERG: Oh, yeah.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: Oh, no, you did not just say that.

EISENBERG: Yeah. People are freaking out right now.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: "Hop On Pop" is terrible, though. You're not wrong about that.

(LAUGHTER)

WOOD: And why specifically, just the silly rhyming? Yes, and it's much longer than you would anticipate.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

WOOD: Like, those books are, like, 75 pages.

EISENBERG: Right, they should be, like, two tweets.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Mia, what is your least favorite children's book?

AZAAR: It's actually a Dr. Seuss book, too. It's "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish."

EISENBERG: Oh, yeah. And why don't you like that one?

AZAAR: It's also way too long for - to read.

EISENBERG: (Laughter) So everyone basically is like if I could spend a little less time with my kids during bedtime.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Well, your game is called The New York Review of Children's Books. Jonathan and I are going to read you some imagined hoity-toity reviews of classic children's literature.

COULTON: Just ring and when you know what book we are pontificating about. The winner will move on to the final round at the end of the show. You ready? Here we go.

EISENBERG: This book features perhaps the most loathsome¹¹ character in literature, Mr. I-Am. Mr. I-Am's attempt to hawk¹² his verdant¹³ ovum on some unbefitting stooge are perfunctory and repetitive at best.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Mia.

AZAAR: Sam-I-Am. "Green Eggs And Ham."

EISENBERG: There you go, yes.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: You are correct, Mia.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: The hole punches aren't randomly¹⁴ scattered¹⁵ about. No, they are meaningfully placed, symbolizing¹⁶ the poor larva starving. He is starving for truth. He is starving for love. He is starving for sausage.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Mike.

WOOD: "The Very Hungry Caterpillar¹⁷."

COULTON: That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Was the floppy-eared bunny truly reborn as an enlightened Buddhist¹⁸ in nirvana of his garden, or was it just an illusion, a Freudian defense¹⁹ mechanism²⁰ deflecting²¹ his fiery²² doom²³?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Mia.

AZAAR: "The Velveteen Rabbit."

EISENBERG: Yes. Three times, yes.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Life would be but a feckless empiricism if a mauve-tinted stick of wax could simply materialize one's wishes, as this naive²⁴ boy believes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Mike.

WOOD: "Harold And The Purple Crayon."

COULTON: That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: This dimwitted toy deserves to be trapped forever in department store purgatory²⁵. Alas²⁶, a shameful²⁷ deus ex machina now provides this teddy bear with a missing button for his horribly outdated²⁸ overalls²⁹.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Mike.

WOOD: "Corduroy."

EISENBERG: "Corduroy" is correct, yes.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Sounds like a bitter fashion designer specializing in stuffed toys.

COULTON: (Laughter) That would be a terrible - you just had to do fashion for stuffed animals.

EISENBERG: Yeah, just Paddington Bear, Yogi Bear...

COULTON: All bears.

EISENBERG: All bears.

COULTON: So sick of putting clothes on bears.

EISENBERG: Yeah, it's like Winnie the Pooh has no pants.

COULTON: A grand celebration of corruption³⁰ and political patronage³¹. Mrs. Mallard shamefully³² grafts³³ the Boston Police Department and subverts³⁴ basic traffic laws for her offspring.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Mike.

WOOD: "Make Way For Ducklings."

COULTON: You got it.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: This is your last clue. The author should heed³⁵ some tips from his own elements of style. Surely his own rules should condemn³⁶ a contrived³⁷ narrative³⁸ where pigs and spiders converse³⁹ like grammar school dullards.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Mike.

WOOD: "Charlotte's Web."

EISENBERG: Yes, you are correct.

(APPLAUSE, SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

EISENBERG: Let's go to our puzzle guru, Art Chung. Art, how did our contestants do?

ART CHUNG: They both did great. But Mike, congratulations, you're moving on to the final round at the end of the show.