A Professional Gambler
[00:26.98]David walked into this bar one day.
[00:31.45]He walked up to the bartender and said,
[00:35.50]"Bartender,I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
[00:41.46]"That's fine,but I'll need to see some money first,"
[00:46.92]the bartender siad while pushing beers behind the bar.
[00:52.19]David pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar.
[00:57.84]"Where did you get all that money?"asked the bartender.
[01:03.19]"I'm a professional gambler,"replied David.
[01:08.05]The barbender said,"There's no such thing!
[01:13.33]I mean,your odds are 50-50 at best,right?"
[01:19.49]"Well,I only bet on sure things,"said David.
[01:25.45]"Like what?"asked the bartender.
[01:29.89]"Well,for example,I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."
[01:39.55]The bartender thought about it for a minute and said"OK".
[01:45.43]So,David pulled out his false right eye and bit it.
[01:50.99]"Aw,you screwed me,"said the bartender,and paid David his $50.
[01:59.14]"I'll give you another chance.
[02:02.67]I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my left eye"said David.
[02:10.32]The bartender thought again and said,
[02:14.69]"Well,I know you're not blind.
[02:20.15]I mean I watched you walk in here without a seeing eye dog or anything.
[02:26.52]I'll take that bet."
[02:30.07]So,David pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
[02:35.92]"Aw,you screwed me again."
[02:40.39]"You owe me another $50.That's how I win so much money,bartender."
[02:47.76]Are You O.K.?
[03:14.61]A man was lying on the grond
[03:18.56]in front of the entrance to a large apartment building.
[03:23.83]When the janitor came by and noticed this,
[03:29.19]he said to the man,"Are you O.K.?"The man didn't answer.
[03:36.92]Then the janitor bent over the man and whispered to him,
[03:42.67]"Sorry,sir,but you're blocking the way here."
[03:48.41]The man groande but didn't budge.
[03:52.96]The janitor became impatient.
[03:57.22]"Sir,if you don't get up from there,I'm going to have to call the manager."
[04:04.87]Again,the man just groaned,which infuriated the janitor,
[04:11.72]who turned and marched briskly into the building in search of the manager.
[04:17.96]In a few moments,
[04:21.33]both the janitor and the manager returned and stood over the man.
[04:26.97]Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him,
[04:32.54]but with no success.
[04:36.40]Finally,they called the police.
[04:40.76]The cop surveyed the situation briefly and then asked,
[04:46.22]"All right buddy,what's your name?"
[04:50.17]"Tim,"the man moaned.
[04:54.01]"Where are you from,Tim?"
[04:57.35]With pain in his voice Tim replied"the third floor balcony."
[05:04.33]A Cure for Back Pains
[05:32.67]A guy is suffering from severe back pains for years with no relief.
[05:39.93]After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a specialist by a friend.
[05:47.38]The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies,
[05:53.85]"I get this back pain;kind of like a knife across my back and..."
[06:01.12]He is interrupted the doctor,
[06:04.88]"And a heavy throbbing right next to the spine."
[06:09.84]"Yes!Exactly!How did you know?"
[06:15.28]"Well I am a back pain specialist,remember?
[06:20.71]But I myself suffered from that same type of back pains for many years.
[06:27.76]It is caused by a ten sion in the back muscles.
[06:32.52]This is how I cured it:
[06:35.99]Every day I would ask my wife to give me a massage on my back.
[06:42.16]When she pressed and rubbed my back with her hands,
[06:47.20]the pressure would relieve the tension in the muscles.
[06:52.24]Try that every day for two weeks,
[06:55.32]come back,and let me know how it goes."
[07:00.18]Two weeks go by and the man is back.
[07:05.14]"Well,how do you feel?"
[07:09.01]"Doc,I'm a new man!I feel great!
[07:15.54]I haven't had back pains since I started this treatment!
[07:20.69]I can't thank you enough.
[07:24.34]And,by the way you have a lovely home and a beautiful wife."
[07:31.71]Speeding
[07:59.27]One day a cop had set up a speed trap behind a billboard trying to catch speeders.
[08:07.73]He had been standing there for about an hour when a brand-new black BMW
[08:16.27]came zooming down the road at about 110 mph(miles per hour).
[08:23.14]The cop noted the speed from his radar gun.
[08:28.00]Instantly,he switched on the siren,gave chase,and finally flagged him down.
[08:35.94]The cop got out of his cruiser,approached the car,
[08:41.80]leaned down,and said
[08:45.32]"Listen mister.Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.
[08:51.70]But it better be good.You were going well over 100."
[08:57.86]The man thought for a moment and then said:"
[09:03.92]Officer,three weeks ago,my wife ran off with a police officer.
[09:11.37]When I saw your cruiser in my rear-view mirror,I thought you were that guy,
[09:18.45]and you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!" |