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The One With Phoebe抯 Ex-Partner
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Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Central Perk, the gang, except Rachel, is watching a new singer.]
Singer: (singing) 慍ause every time I see your face, I can抰 help but fall from grace. I know.....
Joey: Wow! This girl is good.
Phoebe: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before.
Chandler: I like her.
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time?
Chandler: Well, that抯 pretty much all I抦 looking for from these people.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous.
Ross: Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know, she抯 more..(shakes his shoulders, like he抯 dancing) y'know, and you抮e more (sees the look from Phoebe and stops)
Singer: (singing) beside meeeee-eeee-ee. (everyone applauds her).
Phoebe: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she抯 done.
Singer: Okay, my next song抯 called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn抰 Have Left You That Way.
(The gang all looks at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh no, one of those 憀ook for the hidden meaning?songs.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, later.]
Singer: Hey Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey Leslie, how抎 you know I抎 be here?
Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm....
Chandler: (to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I抎 like know whether that抯 several big fish or just one big fish.
Joey: (to Leslie) So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles.
Phoebe: Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles.
Joey: (to Leslie) Ah, anything we might of heard of?
Leslie: Ah, yeah, umm. (singing) Home is never far away..
Monica, Ross, and Joey: (joining in) Home is Home Star stew.
Leslie: Yeah, but, I don抰 do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn抰 come up with anything good, so they fired me.
Phoebe: Hmm, bummer.
Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you抎 want to get back together?
Phoebe: No. But thanks.
Leslie: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it?
Phoebe: Okay. No. But thanks.
Leslie: Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. (leaves)
Joey: (to Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal.
Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y択now. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a tissue, please?
Monica: Yeah, sure.
[Scene: Outside the bathroom, Chandler is pacing back and fourth, waiting is use it.]
Gunther: (to Chandler) Someone in there?
Chandler: No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called 憌ait until the last moment before I burst and die.?
(The door opens.)
Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall..(sees it抯 a beautiful woman coming out of the men抯 room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?
Woman: Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn抰 wait. I left the lid up for ya though.
(Gunther walks up)
Chandler: (to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I抦-I抦 talking to ah, (tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name.
Woman: Ginger.
Chandler: Ginger. I抦 talking to Ginger, so....
Ginger: Don抰 you have to use the bathroom?
Chandler: Nope, nope, I抎 just ah, I抎 rather talk to you. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. (knocks on the door)
Gunther: Someone in here.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang抯 putting their coats on to leave.]
Phoebe: Where抯 Chandler?
Joey: Ah, he can抰 make it, he said he had to his... (sees Ginger) Whoa-oh! (hides behind the coat rack.)
Ginger: Joey? Joey Tribbiani?
(She walks over behind the coat rack, but Joey picks it up and moves it so that he抯 still behind it, and she can抰 see him.)
Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? You抮e hiding behind the coats.
(Joey puts his finger over his mouth to tell Ross to keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica who looks away and leave.)
Joey: Phew, close one.
[Scene: Rachel抯 office, Mark is packing his stuff into a box.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi, sweetie!
Ross: Hello.
Mark: Hi, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, huh.
Rachel: I抳e got some bad news.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here.
Ross: Come on sweetie! You抳e had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time?
Mark: Actually, it抯 kinda my fault. I-I quit today.
Ross: (to Rachel) But work comes first! (to Mark) Oh hey, but that抯 sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya?
Rachel: Nooo, he抯 leaving for a better job.
Ross: Oh well that抯 great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then. Huh? (picks a pad up off Rachel抯 desk and tosses it into his box) Good bye.
Mark: Okay, then.
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: Well we抮e gonna miss you around here.
Mark: Yeah, me too.
(Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesn抰 let go, so she can only put one arm around him.)
Mark: So, see ya on Saturday.
Rachel: Yeah, you bet.
(Ross is shocked, but Rachel drags him out of the office.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are playing with a Ouija board, Phoebe抯 beeper goes off and Monica screams.]
Phoebe: Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the oven)
Monica: Y'know those are a delicacy in India.
Phoebe: Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together. That抯 the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie!
Monica: Wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh?
Phoebe: Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our Moms worked on the barge together.
Monica: Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge.
Phoebe: You never run on a barge!
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Phoebe and Monica: Hey.
Joey: Is ah, is Chandler around?
Monica: No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house.
Joey: Oooh.
Monica: Yeah, Ginger something.
Joey: Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn抰 something that sounded like Ginger, like ah, Gingeer?
Monica: No, it was Ginger. I remember, because when he told me, I said, (singing) 憈he movie star.?
Joey: Aww, man. That抯 the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he抯 my roommate, she抯 gonna tell him what I did.
Monica: Well, what did you do?
Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can抰, I can抰 tell you that, it抯 like the most awful, horrible thing I抳e ever done my whole life.
Monica: Y'know what, don抰 tell us. We抣l just wait until Chandler gets home, (to Phoebe) because it抣l be more fun that way.
Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad抯 cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner....
Monica: You gave her food poisoning!?
Joey: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log.
Phoebe: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire!
Joey: I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should抳e told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg.
(Phoebe and Monica both stand up and gasp.)
Monica: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?
Joey: I ran!!
[Scene: A street, Chandler is kissing Ginger.]
Chandler: Well, that抯 the best kiss I抳e had with anyone I抳e ever met in a men抯 room.
Ginger: Actually, me too.
Chandler: (sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.
Ginger: Oh damn, I hate that.
Chandler: Yeah, we抮e gonna have to get you out of those shoes.
Ginger: Oh, don抰 worry about it.
Chandler: No, really you抮e gonna freeze.
Ginger: No, I抦 not.
Chandler: You抮e not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot?
Ginger: Some day, maybe.
[Scene: Ross抯 bedroom, Rachel getting into bed while Ross is reading and laughs.]
Rachel: Funny book?
Ross: Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark, Mark saying 慖抣l see you Saturday.?
Rachel: Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn抰 mind.
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, it抯-it抯 not the lecture ah, I mind, umm....
Rachel: Oh, please tell me it抯 not because I抦 going with Mark.
Ross: Oh, well...
Rachel: Oh my God!!! Ross!!
Ross: Well, I抦 sorry, but ah, look if you抮e not working with him anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him?
Rachel: Because, he抯 my friend.
Ross: Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean...
Rachel: Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?
Ross: Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing?
Rachel: I don抰 know, you thought 慡ee you Saturday?was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me.
Ross: Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you.
Rachel: Really!?
Ross: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger.
Rachel: Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. (Ross has a worried look on his face) What?
Ross: What should I wear, now I抦 all nervous.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is looking at her beeper still in the pot. She takes it out, shakes it, and puts it back in.]
Monica: Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps.
Phoebe: It抯 just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn抰 called. Not that I even care, y'know.
Monica: Phoebe why don抰 you just call her? You obviously want to.
Phoebe: You think you know me so well.
Monica: Well, don抰 慶ha wanna?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, well I do know you.
Phoebe: That抯 what I said.
Monica: Well so?
Phoebe: I can抰. I can抰. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her and then one day it was 慜kay, bye Pheebs?gone. Y'know what the saddest part is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I抳e ever had in like all my lives.
[Scene: Central Perk, Leslie is singing.]
Leslie: (singing) My best shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in the toes. Don抰 care what people say. My feet抯 best friends, pals to the end. With them I抦 one hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light, I....
(Phoebe runs in and joins her.)
Phoebe: (singing) I stepped in something icky.
Phoebe and Leslie: (singing) Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile. Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I抣l.... avoid the..... pillleeeee.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The lecture, Rachel is listening closely, Ross is bored out of his mind.]
Lecturer: We抮e beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink....
Ross: (to Rachel) I抦 really glad we came. (Rachel smiles and rubs his arm) You抮e so pretty. I love you.
Rachel: Oh. (puts her hand over his mouth)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Leslie how to sing Smelly Cat.]
Phoebe: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it抯 not your fault.
Leslie: Wow, that抯 great.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Leslie: Y'know you could totally sell this. It抎 be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign.
Phoebe: I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no.
Leslie: What? Why not? You could make a ton of money.
Phoebe: Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I抎 be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie.
Leslie: Aw, you抮e right, you抮e right. I抦 sorry.
Phoebe: That抯 okay. All right, I抦 gonna play song that抯 really, really sad. It抯 called Magician Box Mix Up. (she turns her guitar upside down to play it.)
[Scene: The lecture, Ross is passed out against Rachel抯 shoulder.]
Lecturer: ....oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general are very popular now.
(Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel. The guy next to him starts laughing, which starts Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he stops.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading the newspaper.]
Monica: (entering) Hi!
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Oh, can I borrow this? (points to his milk) My milk抯 gone bad.
Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car.
Monica: So umm, how was your date with Ginger?
Chandler: Great. It was great. She抯 ah, she抯 great, great looking, great personality, she抯 greatness.
Monica: Sounds like she抯 got the ah, whole package.
Chandler: Joey told you about the leg, huh?
Monica: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn抰 have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don抰 want to stop seeing her, but every so often it抯 like 慔ey, y'know what, where抯 your leg??I mean I抦 the smallest person in the world aren抰 I? I抦 the smallest person in the world.
Joey: (entering from his bedroom) Morning.
Chandler: (to Monica) Actually he抯 the smallest person in the world.
Joey: (to Chandler) Heard about the leg burnin?huh?
Chandler: It came up.
Joey: Listen, I ah, I know it抯 a longshot. But, by any chance did she find that funny?
(Both Chandler and Monica walk away in disgust.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are getting back from the lecture.]
Ross: (entering) So I nodded off a little.
Rachel: Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father抯 boat didn抰 make that much noise when it hit rocks!
Ross: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses.
Rachel: Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he抯 慔ey everybody! Remember that thing that抯 been dead for a gazillion years. Well there抯 this little bone we didn抰 know it had!?
Ross: First of all it抯 Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn抰 fly.
Rachel: Okay, see now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah.
Ross: Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka.
Rachel: Oh, that is so...
Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound, then he realises that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake it off, thinking it抯 alive and attacking him.)
Rachel: Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn抰 go with Mark?
Ross: No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don抰 know, I feel like lately, I feel like you抮e slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and you抳e got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it抯 dumb, but I hate that I抦 not a part of it.
Rachel: It抯 not dumb. But, maybe it抯 okay that you抮e not a part of it. Y'know what I mean? (Ross looks confused) I mean it抯 like, I-I-I like that you抮e not involved in that part of my life.
Ross: That抯 a little clearer.
Rachel: Honey see, it doesn抰 mean that I don抰 love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it抯-it抯 for me y'know, I抦 out there, on my own, and I抦 doing it and it抯 scary but I love it, because it抯 mine. I, but, I mean is that okay?
Ross: Sure, I-I-I... (hugs her and mouths No!!)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Ginger are eating dinner.]
Ginger: Your thinking about my leg aren抰 you?
Chandler: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?
Ginger: It抯 okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is: 慔ow much it bothers you??because I don抰 like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time?
Chandler: No. No. I don抰 think so.
Ginger: Okay. It抯 just like anything else, you just have to get used to it.
(They start making out. She opens his shirt and feels inside and stops.)
Ginger: What抯 that?
Chandler: That抯-that抯 my nubbin.
Ginger: What抯 a nubbin?
Chandler: It抯 kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing.
Ginger: You have three nipples?
Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?
Ginger: Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave.
Chandler: You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come?
Ginger: Ah well, it抯 nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I抣l see you later. Okay. (She leaves and in the hall we see her shake her shoulders like when someone runs their fingernails across a blackboard.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing as Leslie enters.]
Phoebe: (to Leslie) Oh, I thought you weren抰 coming. What? Where were you?
Leslie: Come here, come here. (they go to the side of the stage) Okay, don抰 get mad, okay.
Phoebe: Okay, don抰 give me a reason to get mad, okay
Leslie: I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.
Phoebe: No, look, I told you that I didn抰 want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years ago I probably would抳e done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I can抰 trust you then just forget it.
Leslie: No, no, I don抰 want to forget it.
Phoebe: Okay y'know what you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have Smelly Cat, but we won抰 be partners. So what抯 it gonna be?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Joey are watching TV.]
Commercial: (in the background their singing Smelly Cat) Problem odour in the litter box? Don抰 change your kitty, change your kitty litter.
(Monica gets up and shuts off the TV.)
Monica: Sorry, Pheebs.
Joey: Yeah. You okay?
Phoebe: Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life抯 gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: We抎 love too.
Phoebe: Okay. (singing) 慗ingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.?That抯 all I have so far.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang except Chandler is there.]
Chandler: (entering, happily) Well hello!
Joey: Where have you been?
Chandler: The doctor.
Ross: Is everything okay?
Chandler: Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.
Monica: Wow! It抯 like Rachel in High School.
Rachel: What?!!
Monica: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke!
Chandler: That was an obvious joke, and I didn抰 think of it. Why didn抰 I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!
End
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