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The One With Phoebe抯 Uterus
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Written by: Seth Kirkland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Central Perk, Frank and Alice are there talking with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! I can抰 believe my little brother is married!
Frank: Oh I know!! (Both he and Alice squeal hysterically)
Phoebe: You guys, why didn抰 you tell me you were eloping?
Frank: 慍ause it just sorta happened, y択now we were at the courthouse, we were having lunch?
Phoebe: Wait, wait, why were you at the courthouse?
Frank: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, we抮e here, having lunch let抯 get married!
Phoebe: Wow, a year and a half ago I didn抰 even know I had a brother, and now I have a sister too. (They all hug, and Frank and Alice start kissing.) Okay. Okay. Stop it, don抰. So, I gotta get you a gift now. Is there anything you need?
Frank: Uhh, yeah.
Alice: We抳e been trying to get pregnant, uh pretty much ever since we got engaged, we thought we抎 get a jump on things, y択now no one抯 getting any younger.
Frank: See the thing is umm, we抮e not able to y択now, uh, conceive.
Alice: And we抳e tried everything, we抳e seen a bunch of doctors.
Frank: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.
Phoebe: (shocked) That抯 a really nice gift. I was thinking of like a gravy boat.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are trying to throw cards into a vase.]
Joey: (entering with Ross) Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! (He抯 wearing a blue blazer) Guess which job I got.
Chandler: I don抰 know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
(The gang is stunned.)
Ross: What?
Chandler: Blue blazer back. He-he wants it back.
Rachel: But you-you said black. Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler: Well, you-you know what I meant.
Monica: No, you messed it up. You抮e stupid.
Chandler: So what job did you get Joe?
Joey: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.
Rachel: Well, how can you be a tour guide, don抰 you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?
Joey: No, not really. They give you all the information, it抯 uh, it抯 like memorizing a script. (Making like a tour guide) "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period.
Chandler, Monica, and Rachel: Great!! That抯 great!
Ross: Uh actually Joey, it抯 the Cretasous period.
Joey: Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!!
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got married!
All: Oh my God!!
Phoebe: And! And, they抮e gonna have a baby! (The gang is shocked.) And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang is stunned into silence.)
Ross: My God!
Monica: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah
Joey: You抮e really thinking about having sex with your brother?!
Phoebe: Ewww! And "Oh no!" It抯梩hey just want me to be the surrogate. It抯 her-it抯 her egg and her sperm, and I抦-I抦 just the oven, it抯 totally their bun.
Joey: Huh.
Monica: What did you tell them?
Phoebe: Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? I抦 gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give.
Chandler: You抮e gonna be carrying their baby and give them a Sony Play Station?
Rachel: Honey, this really is an incredible thing to do for them, but there are things to think about.
Monica: Yeah, like you抮e gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant.
Phoebe: I know!
Ross: Pheebs, you抮e talking about putting your body through an awful lot, I mean morning sickness, uhh, labour, and it抯 all for somebody else!
Phoebe: Yeah, what抯 your point?
Ross: Well, the stuff I just mentioned.
Rachel: Wow! I don抰 know if I could ever do that. I always figured the first time I had a baby was with somebody I love and that baby would be a卥eeper.
Phoebe: Y'know you guys were a lot more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture.
Joey: No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we抣l be supportive like crazy.
All: Yeah.
Monica: We just want you to think it through.
Rachel: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who抯 had a baby. Like your mom?
Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are kissing.]
Kathy: Umm, (moves her hand抯 down to his butt) I love this touchy. Can I take it to work with me?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, sure, it抯 not mine anyway. It can with the pants.
Kathy: Oh! (They kiss and she leaves)
Monica: I am so jealous.
Rachel: You guys are really right卼here aren抰 you?
Chandler: Yes. Right where?
Monica: In the beginning where y択now it抯 all sex and talking and sex and talking and?
Chandler: Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking.
Monica: And the sex?
Chandler: All right, we haven抰 had sex yet. Okay, what抯 the big deal? Y択now? This is special, and I want our love to grow until we move on to the next level.
Rachel: Oh, Chandler that is so nice.
Ross: That is really nice卨ying! No way is that the reason!
Rachel: Why? Just because you抮e not mature enough to understand something like that?!
Chandler: No, he抯 right, I抦 totally lying.
(Ross makes an "I was right, and you weren抰 face." And Rachel does Ross抯 little I抦-flicking-you-off-but-I抦-not-giving-you-the-finger banging of the fists.)
Monica: Then what is it?
Chandler: Well, Kathy抯 last boyfriend was Joey.
Ross: And you抮e afraid you won抰 be able to協ill his shoes.
Chandler: No, I抦 afraid I won抰 be able to make love as well as him.
Ross: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler: Yes, and I was saying the actual words.
Monica: So big deal, so Joey抯 had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn抰 mean he抯 great in bed.
Chandler: We share a wall! So either he抯 great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot.
Monica: Sweetie, with you it抯 gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great, 慶ause you-you guys are in love.
Chandler: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: Just go for it Chandler.
Monica: Yeah, you should.
Rachel: Yeah, you should, really.
Monica: Go on.
Chandler: All right, all right, I抣l go sleep with my girlfriend. But I抦 just doing it for you guys.
[Scene: The museum, Joey is giving a tour to a bunch of school kids.]
Joey: Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-late Jurassic period.
Smart Kid: Isn抰 the Mastodon from the Pliocene Epic?
Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions to a fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in one of the display cases.) Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass) Everyone wave 慔i?to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. (Ross does the old "Putting a cigarette in your ear and pulling it out of your mouth trick.") Okay, moving right along. Come on.
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.抯 house, there抯 a knock on the door.]
Phoebe Sr: It抯 open! Come in!
Phoebe: Hi!
Phoebe Sr: Hi!
Phoebe: I抦 sorry, I抦 late.
Phoebe Sr: Oh, that抯 okay, it gave me time to finish glazing my nipples.
Phoebe: Wow! You really go all out when you抮e expecting company.
Phoebe Sr: No, I was working on my pottery.
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didn抰 know that you did卲ot.
Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.
Phoebe: Ooh, erotiery!
Phoebe Sr: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Y択now?
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe Sr: I really don抰 think it抯 a very good idea, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Why not?
Phoebe Sr: Well, because you抎 be giving up a baby, and I-I really don抰桰 don抰 know if there抯 anything I can say that could make you understand the pain of giving up a baby. So, umm, (Picks up a puppy in the box next to the couch.)
Phoebe: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain! Don抰-don抰 hurt the puppy.
Phoebe Sr: No-no-no, the-the puppy抯 yours.
Phoebe: Oh, I get a puppy!!
Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for three days.
Phoebe: Why?
Phoebe Sr: I realise I don抰 have any right to start get all parenty on you and everything now, but umm, (Sees that Phoebe isn抰 paying attention and is busy mimicking the puppy.) uhh?Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the puppy, it抯 very important.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe Sr: I mean, I know what I抦 talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. (Phoebe is playing with the puppy again, and not listening) I really shouldn抰 have given you the puppy first.
Phoebe: All right, I抦 sorry.
[Scene: The museum抯 worker cafeteria, Joey is eating lunch with the rest of the tour guides. Another tour guide tries to sit down in a seat Joey saved for Ross.]
Joey: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. I抦-I抦 saving this for my friend Ross.
Tour Guide: You mean Dr. Geller?
Joey: Doctor? Wow! I didn抰 know he had a nickname.
Tour Guide: Oh, he won抰 sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there, (Points to there table) and only the people in the blue blazers sit here.
Joey: Well, how-how come?
Tour Guide: That抯 just the way it is.
Joey: That抯 crazy.
Tour Guide: Maybe it抯 crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but now?Turns around) Peter! Hey, Peter! It抯 me Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my puddin?which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! (to Joey) See, he pretend he don抰 even here me!
Joey: I-I think everybody抯 pretending they don抰 hear you. Anyway, look, I don抰 know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, I抦 telling you, he will sit in it! (Ross enters and goes over to the white table) Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat.
Ross: That抯 okay, I抦 cool over here. I抣l catch up with you later, Joey. (Joey is shocked.)
(Another woman enters without a coat or blazer and tries to sit at the 慴lue?table.)
Tour Guide: Op, this is saved. (Joey wonders why) Gift shop.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating dinner, Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: (entering) Hey, uh, I抦 really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today.
Joey: It抯 no big deal. Hey, y択now, you do what you gotta do. Right?
Ross: But hey, it抯 not just me, I mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together.
Joey: Whatever.
Ross: It抯 like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?
Monica: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.
Joey: Look, Ross, really it抯-it抯 no big deal. Y択now you wear a white coat, I wear a blue blazer, if that means we can抰 be friends at work, then so be it. Y択now, hey I understand. Y択now? Hey, when I抦 in a play and you抮e in the audience, I don抰 talk to you, right? So it抯 y択now, it抯 uh, it抯 cool. I抣l see you tomorrow. (Leaves)
Rachel: Yeah, when we抮e in the audience he doesn抰 talk to us, but he does wave.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is there with her puppy and is trying to sing it to sleep as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Why is Phoebe singing to Carl Mulden?
Phoebe: Ooh, y択now what, I think it抯 time for puppy to go out again. Come on, let抯 go to the balcony.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: Umm, the street. Come on, let抯 go to the street. Ooh, listen, don抰 go onto the balcony until after I get back. (Leaves)
Monica: (to Chandler) So, did you do it?
Chandler: Yes, yes, we had the sex.
Monica: Uh-oh, it was bad?
Chandler: It was fine, y択now? But she didn抰 agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, I抦 all right with it."
Monica: Well, it was the first time. Y択now, there抯 not always a lot of agreement the first time.
Rachel: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree (snaps her fingers) like that.
Chandler: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y択now, I know where everything goes, it抯 always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody抯 killing her in there!"
Monica: All right, I抦 gonna show you something a lot of guys don抰 know. Rach, give me that pad, please? (She does so and Monica starts drawing on it) All right. Now?
Chandler: Look, you don抰 have to draw an actual wo梬hoa! She抯 hot!
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out there抯 more than three), five, six, and seven!
Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?!
Rachel: Let me see that. (Monica shows her) Oh, yeah.
Chandler: (Points to one) That抯 one?
Monica: It抯 kind of an important one!
Chandler: Oh, y択now-y択now what, I was looking at it upside down.
Rachel: Well, y択now, sometimes that helps. (She realises what that could抳e meant.)
Monica: (continuing) Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler: That-that抯 bad?
Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don抰 spend the whole day on the Materhorn.
Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7!
Monica: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit 慹m all, and you mix 慹m up. You gotta keep them on their toes.
Rachel: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people. (Chandler eyes her and her toes.)
Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, ?..??-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7?mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the couch satisfied.)
[Scene: The museum cafeteria, Joey is eating with the tour guides as Ross enters.]
Older Scientist: Dr. Geller, there抯 a seat over here. (Motions to an empty chair at the 憌hite?table.)
Ross: Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but I抦 having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. I抦 having lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if he抣l sit with me.
Joey: (standing up) I will sit with you Dr. Geller. (He goes over to his table and they shake hands.)
Ross: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and y択now what I see, I see-I see division. Division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. (He takes off his coat and throws it down.) I抦 Ross! I抦 divorced, and I have a kid!
Joey: (stands up, and throws his coat on the floor) I抦 Joey! I抦 an actor! I don抰 know squat about dinosaurs!
Another Tour Guide: (standing up and removing his coat) I抦 Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.
Ross: All right, there you go!
Joey: Yeah, you hang in there Teddy!
Older Scientist: I抦 Andrew, and I didn抰 pay for this pear.
Ross: Okay, good-good for you.
Tour Guide: I抦 Rhonda, (motions to her breasts) and these aren抰 real! (Joey and Ross look at each other, shocked)
Ross: Wow, Rhonda.
Another Scientist: I抦 Scott.
Ross: Yeah, okay, Scott!
Another Scientist: And I need to flip the light switch on and off 17 times before I leave a room or my family will die.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, with the puppy, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: My mom抯 gonna be here any minute. I can抰 do this, I can抰 give him up. Yes梟o, I can. I don抰 want to. But I can. No.
Rachel: Oo, I can抰 watch this, it抯 like Sophie抯 Choice.
Monica: Y択now, I never saw that.
Rachel: Ooh, it was only okay.
Phoebe: Ooh, I can抰 do this. My mom was right. If I can抰-if I can抰 give him up, then there抯 no way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else, what else can I give 慹m梐 kidney!
Alice: (entering with Frank) Hi!
Frank: Hi!
Alice: Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood, so?
Frank: Yeah, so we just thought we抎 stop by and let you know there抯 still no pressure.
Alice: None. But if there was something you wanted to tell us, we抮e just gonna be right over there (points to the counter) having coffee.
Phoebe: Okay.
Frank: (noticing the puppy) Oh, who抯 this little guy?! (Grabs the puppy)
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Umm!
Frank: Oh, he抯 so cute, he reminds me of my old dog, Tumour.
Alice: You are so precious, I could just take you home.
Phoebe: Hey, why don抰 you?
Frank: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah!
Frank: Oh, thanks.
Monica: What are you doing?
Phoebe: No, I抦 really okay with this. Y択now why? 慍ause look at them, and I made that, so?I know it抯 gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my God, it抯 gonna feel like a million times better, right? I wanna do this. (To Frank and Alice) I wanna carry your baby.
Alice: (shocked) Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so much! You don抰 know what this means to us! Oh!
Frank: Oh my God, I think I抦 gonna cry!
Monica: It抯 gonna be so great.
Phoebe Sr: (entering) Hi! What抯 going on?
Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I抦 gonna carry their baby.
Phoebe Sr: But Phoebe?
Phoebe: No-no-no, I know, but you and I are different people though, and this is a totally different situation, and I know that I am not gonna regret this.
Phoebe Sr: Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but it抯 just梩hat was my puppy.
Phoebe: Oh!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]
Monica: Would you ever be a surrogate for anyone?
Rachel: It depends on who asked.
Monica: What if I asked?
Rachel: Oh, Mon, sure.
Monica: Really?
Rachel: Yes. (Pause) You抮e not asking are you?
Monica: No.
Rachel: Yes! Totally!
(Kathy runs in, hair all out of place, and hugs Monica.)
Kathy: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you! (Runs back to Chandler)
End
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