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The One With All The Haste
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Written by: Wil Calhoun & Scott Silveri
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Rachel抯 bedroom; Rachel is awoken by a man singing in the next apartment.]
The Singing Man: (singing, duh) Morning抯 here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning抯 here! The morning抯 here!
Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It抯 Saturday!
The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning抯 here! (Starts singing) Morning抯 here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here!
(Rachel slams shut her window and storms into the living room, where Joey and Monica are eating breakfast.)
Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!
Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Morning抯 here! Morning is here?
Rachel: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small.
Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did.
Rachel: Monica, you don抰 even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor!
Monica: Y択now what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live!
Rachel: I抦 sorry. I抦 so sorry.
Monica: Okay.
Joey: See, this is a great apartment.
Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross抯 bedroom; Ross and Emily are making out. Ross as a new feature.]
Emily: Oh, blimey, I still can抰 believe you抳e got an earring!
(Yep, it抯 a little gold loop.)
Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? (Shakes his head around, pretending like he抯 jamming.)
Emily: He does that?!
Ross: Uh, I don抰 know, whatever.
Emily: I think it makes you look really dangerous.
Ross: Oh, I know. Y択now what, I never would抳e gotten this if it weren抰 for you. No really, when I抦 with you I抦-I抦 like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy!
Emily: I love both of you!
Ross: Yeah?
(They kiss.)
Emily: I wish I didn抰 have to go.
Ross: Then don抰. Stay here. Just don抰 go so soon to London, just one more day.
Emily: Ohh, Ross, please!
Ross: One more day, seriously/
Emily: Don抰 do this to me, again. You抎 know I抎 stay here in a minute, but I抎 really miss so much work, they抣l fire me.
Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want.
Emily: I wish I could.
Ross: Oh no. Don抰, don抰, don抰 start packing. Come on! (She puts some clothes into her bag, and Ross throws them out.)
Emily: I don抰 think you understand packing. Look, I just don抰 want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here.
Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.
Emily: You didn抰!
Ross: No. No, I didn抰. I didn抰 want to be that guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.]
Phoebe: (entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello!
Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho!
Phoebe: Excuse me.
Chandler: Your pants!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like 慹m? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable!
Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants.
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesn抰 get it.) Santa Claus抯 pants.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh! They抮e maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists who抯 been naughty and who抯 been nice.) See, these names are good, and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.) Ohh.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: So桯ey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves?
Phoebe: I don抰 know! How are the-the-the-the, y択now梇ou抮e clothes aren抰 funny.
Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game?
Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don抰 belong here."
Joey: You have Knicks tickets?
Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dad抯 season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me.
Monica: Yeah, apparently, they抮e pretty good seats.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: (examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor!
Rachel: Do you guys want these?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Yeah we do!
Rachel: Ohh, well you got 慹m.
Both: All right!
Rachel: Just give us our apartment back!
Phoebe: Boy! I didn抰 see that coming!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth.
Monica: Yeah, what, do you think we抮e stupid?
Joey: You抮e not stupid. You抮e meaner than I thought.
Monica: What do you say?
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I抦 not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats!
Rachel: You抮e bachelor pad?!
Monica: Have you even had a girl up here?
Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time.
Joey: Yeah, you do!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler about the tickets.]
Joey: Come on!
Chandler: (ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please?
Gunther: Good one.
Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means?
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, I抦 not giving up the apartment.
Joey: Oh come條ook, when I was a kid my dad抯 company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasn抰 in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that!
Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his new little friend)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: We don抰 make enough fun of you already?
Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it.
Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up?
Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that抯 what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing?
Joey: Oh-no, don抰 try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear.
Chandler: Where is Emily?
Ross: Ugh, she抯 saying good-bye to her uncle.
Chandler: Man, didn抰 she like just get here?
Ross: Yeah!! Yeah!
Chandler: Easy tiger.
Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it抯-it抯 so great. But at the same time I抦 thinking, "Well, I抦 gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off."
Chandler: So what are you going to do?
Ross: Nothing! There抯 nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she抎 have to uh, move here. She should move here!
Joey: What?
Ross: I could ask her to live with me!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?!
Chandler: Because you抳e only known her for six weeks! Okay, I抳e got a carton of milk in my fridge I抳e had a longer relationship with!
Ross: Look guys, when I抦 with her it抯-it抯-it抯 like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y択now?
Chandler: And I love the milk! But, I抦 not gonna some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now.
Joey: All right look, Ross, he抯 right. Emily抯 great, she抯 great! But this way too soon, you抮e only gonna scare her!
Ross: I don抰 want to do that.
Joey: No! You don抰 want to wreck it, you don抰 want to go to fast!
Ross: Yeah, no, you抮e right, I know, you抮e right, I抦 not, I抦 not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.)
Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same day. Joey and Chandler are eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit something.]
Phoebe: That抯 too hard. Too hard!
Monica: (entering with Rachel) All right boys, last chance for the tickets!
Rachel: Or I抣l give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.
Chandler: No thank you.
Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, let抯 trade! The timing抯 perfect, I just clogged the toilet!
Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can抰 leave in the small apartment after we抳e lived here! Didn抰 you ever read Flowers for Algernon?
Joey: Yes! Didn抰 you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn抰 read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight!
Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.
Joey: It抯 the Knicks!
Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
Joey: Whoa!
Chandler: I didn抰 mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
Joey: Huh.
Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all!
Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it?
Chandler: No. No. We抮e not gonna do that, y択now why? Because its not an even trade.
Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets?
Joey: Done!
Rachel: Let me finish.
Joey: Oh.
Rachel: I抦 talking about a bet, winner takes all.
Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing.
Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything.
Joey: Ooh, I like that.
Monica: All right, so what do you say?
Chandler: No!
Monica: Oh, just do it!!
Chandler: Op, op, I抦 convinced!
Joey: Come on man, you know I抎 do it for you! Because, you抮e my best friend.
Chandler: All right, but you can抰 use that again for a whole year. I抦 in.
Joey: All right!
Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet?
Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she抯 the only who抯 impartial, and she抯 so pretty.
Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh梠h, I have a game!
Joey: Okay!
Chandler: Okay!
Phoebe: This is great!
Joey: What抯 the game?! What抯 the game?!
Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesn抰 have a name梠h, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesn抰 have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees?
Monica: They抮e green?
Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points!
(They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.)
Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question.
(He looks to Chandler, who doesn抰 have a clue.)
Joey: Uhh, they抮e tall.
Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy.
(Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didn抰 come up with the answer.)
Monica: That抯 not even a game!
Rachel: What? Shut up! We抮e winning!
Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say?
Chandler: Fine, let抯 do it.
Phoebe: Oh, I have cards!
Joey: Oh.
Monica: Oh, good.
Phoebe: Yeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of her purse) Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay.
Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Okay. (She picks a card.) Four.
Chandler: That抯 a low one!
Joey: Yeah! Okay. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe, you look, I can抰.
Phoebe: What make you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.)
Joey: Okay. Okay. (He looks at the card.) Ace!
(Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.)
Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging?
Monica: Because we won our apartment back!
Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace!
Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four!
(They all look to Phoebe to settle this.)
Phoebe: I don抰 know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha!
Rachel: All right, cut, let抯 pick again, pick again.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen is high!
Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as?picks a card) It worked! King!
Chandler: Yeah baby!
Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again!
Joey: Why?!
Monica: I don抰 know!
Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That抯 courtside baby!
Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back!
Chandler: No they didn抰!
[Scene: Ross抯 apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns.]
Ross: Hey!
Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow.
Ross: (laughs) Move in with me.
Emily: What?!
Ross: Don抰 be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say it抯 too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be.
Emily: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there.
Ross: I know.
Emily: My job!
Ross: Well, so, you-you抣l get a job here! I mean, I抦 always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you!
Emily: Yeah, but it-it-it抯 my whole life梱ou come to England.
Ross: No, I can抰. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I can抰 leave him. Isn抰梱ou don抰 think there抯 any way?
Emily: Ohh, I don抰 think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future 朼nd-and-and we were getting married or something.
Ross: What?
Emily: Oh no, no, right I shouldn抰 have said married. Uh, please don抰 go freaky on me. I didn抰 mean it. Well, I didn抰 say it; I take it back!
Ross: No, no, don抰. Why don抰 we?
Emily: Why don抰 we what?
Ross: Get married.
Emily: You are mad!
Ross: No! No! I抦 not! It抯-it抯-it抯 perfect! I mean it抯 better than you just-just moving here, 慶ause it抯 us together forever, and that抯-that抯 what I want.
Emily: We抳e only known each other for six weeks!
Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, who抯-who抯 to say? Does that me we-we can抰 do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn抰 it?
Emily: My parents are going to be really mad.
Ross: Is that梐re you saying yes? Is that yes?
Emily: Yes.
(They kiss and hug.)
Emily: Yes!
Ross: Yes! We抮e getting married?!
Emily: Oh my God!
Ross: Yes!
Emily: We抮e getting married!
Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, (He takes the earring out.) ow! Emily, will you marry me?
Emily: Yes.
(He tries to put it on her finger.)
Emily: Ohh, it抯 a bit small.
Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell!
Emily: It was.
(They kiss.)
Commerical Break
[Scene: The hallway, Joey and Chandler are coming back from the game.]
Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever.
Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y択now, kinda like a peace offering.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that抯 very nice. Plus, y択now they were free and they抮e too small.
(He knocks on the girls?door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesn抰 even realise it.)
Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.)
Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!!
Chandler: I KNOW!!!
(They both sprint to what used to be their apartment.)
Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up!
(A very angry Monica opens the door with the security chain still on.)
Monica: We抣l discuss it, in the morning! (Slams the door shut.)
Chandler: What the hell is going on?!
(It抯 Rachel抯 turn to open the door.)
Rachel: We took our apartment back!! (Slams the door shut.)
Phoebe: (opening the door) I had nothing to do with it. (Closes the door.) (Opens the door.) Okay, it was my idea, but I don抰 feel good about it.
(She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his foot it in.)
Chandler: We are switching back, right now!
Monica: No, we抮e not! We抮e not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you抮e gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we抮e switching it back! There抯 nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don抰 know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don抰 want to move again!
Chandler: I don抰 care, this is our apartment! And they stole梱ou stole it梠ur apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I抦 getting back right now!
(They open the door.)
Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can抰 offer anything to us!
Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and?
Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
[Time lapse. The guys are entering their apartment.]
Chandler: Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
Chandler: Good night.
Joey: Good night.
(They both go back into their old rooms and shut the doors. Of course, Chandler has to close both sections of his door.)
[Cut to the girls apartment.]
Monica: Men are such idiots.
Rachel: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back?
Phoebe: That抯 so funny to think if you抎 just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all.
Monica: Yeah, let-let-let抯 pretend that抯 not true.
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay, scarf抯 done. (It抯 not really a scarf, it抯 just a bunch of yarn that Phoebe has tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter dragging with them Joey and Chandler.)
Ross: Come on! Come on. Come on.
Chandler: Okay!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Monica: What-what抯 going on?
Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone.
Ross: Uhh, okay, it抯 uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married.
(The gang is stunned.)
Phoebe: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?!
Emily: Umm, no.
Monica: When, when did梙ow, how did you?
Ross: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it.
Emily: I mean, we know it抯 a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right, so?
(Rachel slowly walks in from her bedroom. She is stunned speechless.)
Ross: (turning around.) Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys?
Rachel: Yeah, I-I heard. (Pause, everyone looks at each other, waiting for Rachel抯 reaction.) I think it抯 great! (Hugs Ross.) Ohh, I抦 so happy for you!
(Seeing Rachel抯 apparently okay with this, the rest of the gang jumps up to congratulate Ross and Emily on their pending nuptials.)
Chandler: Oh, well, that抯 great!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah!
Monica: (to Ross) I can抰 believe you抮e getting married!
Ross: Yeah. (They hug again.)
Joey: Monica and Rachel made out. (Giggles like a schoolboy and Monica glares at him.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey抯 bedroom, he is awoken by the singing guy.]
The Singing Man: (singing) Morning抯 here! The morning抯 here!
(Joey joins him.)
Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning抯 here!
The Singing Man: Hey! You抮e back!
Joey: Hey! (Singing) Get into gear!
The Singing Man: (singing) Breakfast is near!
Both: The dark of night has disappeared!!
The Singing Man: I抣l see you tomorrow morning!
Joey: (happily) Okay!
End
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