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The One After Ross Says Rachel
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Written by: Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Ross抯 Wedding, continued from last season, the Minister is about to marry Ross and Emily.]
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. (Time lapse) Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
Ross: I Ross...
Minister: Take thee, Emily...
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.
Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?
Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there?
Emily: Yes, yes, do go on.
Minister: I think we抎 better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross?
Ross: I, Ross?
Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY?
Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily. (Chuckles) Like there抎 be anybody else. (Emily is glaring at him.)
Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. (Points at her.)
Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Ross抯 finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emily抯 hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever.
Ross: Happy too.
Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife.
Ross: Yay!
Minister: You may kiss the bride.
(He goes to kiss her, but she isn抰 very receptive of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Mr. Geller) This is worse than when he married the lesbian.
(The band starts to play, and the recessional starts. Ross tries to take Emily抯 hand, but she snatches it away from him.)
Emily: Just keep smiling.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.
Chandler: It could抳e been worse, he could抳e shot her.
(Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.)
Ross: (laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn抰 it?
(Emily gives him a forearm shot across the stomach.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him. Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing outside the doorway.]
Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom) You抳e spoiled everything! It抯 like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?!
Joey: (To the gang) Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right?
Ross: (exiting the bathroom) That-that-that抯 all right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I抣l be right out here. (She slams the door in his face, to the gang) She抯 just fixing her makeup.
Emily: I hate you!!
Ross: And, I love you!! (He walks into the living room)
Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross?
Ross: That抯 true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)
(Mrs. Waltham抯 phone rings and she answers it.)
Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors.
Phoebe: (On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller抯 personal physician, Dr. Philange.
Mrs. Waltham: Who?
Phoebe: Yeah, I抳e discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women抯 names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own.
Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.
Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too!
(Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.)
Phoebe: Hello?
(Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you don抰 take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I抦 just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship.
Monica: I know. How could we have let this happen?
Chandler: Seven times!
Monica: Ugh! Well, y択now, we were away?
Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country?
Monica: I blame London.
Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)
Monica: So look umm, while we抮e st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right?
Chandler: Well, I don抰 see that we have a choice. But, when we抮e back home, we don抰 do it.
Monica: Only here.
Chandler: Y択now, I saw a wine cellar downstairs?
Monica: I抣l meet you there in two minutes.
Chandler: Okay!
(He throws down his plate and runs to the wine cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is intercepted by Rachel.)
Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something.
Monica: (impatiently) Now?
Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can抰 pretend that didn抰 happen can I?
Monica: Oh, I-I don抰 know.
Rachel: Monica, what should I do?
Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. (Uses some breath spray)
Rachel: What?
Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)
Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I抦 just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant.
Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, he抯 married. Married! If you don抰 realize that, I can抰 help you.
Rachel: Okay, you抮e right. You抮e right. You can抰 help me.
(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.)
Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents?
Mr. Waltham: (walking by) Yes.
Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there抯 no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this?
Joey: Hey, what抯 up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, he抯 eating it with his hands.)
(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running up to him.)
Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?
Chandler: Forget it, that抯 off.
Monica: Why?!
Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes?
(Joey walks up to them.)
Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn抰 eat meat until she has the babies!
Joey: Well, I figured we抮e in another country, so it doesn抰 count.
Monica: That抯 true.
Chandler: The man抯 got a point.
(Cut to Rachel and Ross.)
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things aren抰 working out so well.
Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but it抯 gonna be okay, right?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she抯 gonna get over this, y択now? I mean, so you said my name! Y択now you just said it 慶ause you saw me there, if you抎 have seen a circus freak, you would抳e said, "I take thee circus freak." Y択now, it didn抰 mean anything, it抯 just a mistake. It didn抰 mean anything. Right?
Ross: No! No! Of course it didn抰 mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y択now, because-because it was you?
Rachel: Right?
Ross: But it absolutely didn抰. (Yelling towards the bathroom) It didn抰!! It didn抰!!
Joey: (approaching) Ross, hey, the band抯 ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so?
Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the band抯 ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says桰 don抰 care about the stupid band!!
Joey: You spit on me man! (Wipes his face.)
Ross: Look, I抦 sorry.
Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh?
Rachel: (laughs) Y択now when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame.
Ross: Oh, right!
Rachel: Get the hell out of there, y択now?
(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realize what she just said and run over to the bathroom.)
Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily? Emily? I抦 coming in. (He opens the door to reveal that the window is gone, along with Emily.)
Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing.
[Scene: London Marriott, Monica and Chandler are walking to her room.]
Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me.
(She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel sitting on the bed.)
Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi!
Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel.
Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! (They both just stare at her.) Okay, don抰 believe me, I know I抦 right梔o you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink?
Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first.
Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don抰 you go down and get us a table?
Chandler: Yeah, we抣l be down in like five minutes.
Monica: (elbows him) Fifteen minutes.
Rachel: Okay.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) It抯 Phoebe!
Chandler: Oh, yay?
Monica: Great?
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: Hi, so what happened?
Rachel: Well, Ross said my name.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I don抰 think that means anything.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, y択now what, let抯 look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then?
Chandler: (To Monica) Hey, listen, why don抰 we go change in my room?
Monica: But my clothes are梠hh! (They both leave.)
(Cut to Chandler抯 room, he opens the door slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that he isn抰, ushers Monica into the room, closes the door, and the security bar.)
Chandler: Wow, you look?
Monica: No time for that!
(They both start to frantically rip each other抯 clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to open the door.)
Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here!
Chandler: Well, I抳e got a girl in here.
Joey: No you don抰, I just saw you go in there with Monica!
Chandler: Well, we抮e-we抮e hanging out in here!
Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Chandler: Well, I suppose I抎 have to say you!! But, what if we抮e watching a movie in here?
Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It抯 My Giant!
Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!
[Scene: Ross and Emily抯 room, Chandler and Monica are still looking for a place to do the deed.]
Monica: You really think this is okay?
Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily aren抰 gonna use it.
Monica: Oh, it抯 so beautiful. Ohh! Y択now, I-I don抰 know if I feel right about this.
Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn抰 get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser.
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Okay!
(They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but are interrupted by Ross.)
Ross: (entering) Emily?!
Chandler: Nope, not under here!
Monica: You didn抰 find her?
Ross: No, I抳e looked everywhere!
Chandler: Well, you couldn抰 have looked everywhere or else you would抳e found her!
Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking!
Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes.
Monica: Or 45.
Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.)
Ross: No! For all I know, she抯 trying to find me but couldn抰 because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I抦 staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here.
Monica: Well, it抯 getting late.
Chandler: Yeah, we抮e gonna go.
Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while?
Monica: Ugh, y択now, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York.
Chandler: Yeah, it抯 a very large plane.
Ross: (disappointed) That抯 cool.
Chandler: But, we抣l stay here with you.
Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on either side of him.) I really appreciate this, y択now, but you don抰 have to rub my butt.
(Chandler slowly takes his hand away.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross and Emily抯 room, the next morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in Monica抯 lap and his feet on Chandler抯 lap. Monica and Chandler are both still awake and depressed.]
Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an hour.
Monica: I know, I抳e been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don抰 you think?
Chandler: We can抰 do that that抯 insane. I mean 慉?he could wake up and 態?y択now, let抯 go for it.
(They both try to slowly extricate themselves from Ross, but there抯 a knock on the door that awakens him.)
Ross: Em-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens the door to reveal the Walthams standing outside.)
Mr. Waltham: No.
Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she抯 not with us.
Mr. Waltham: We抳e come for her things.
Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she?
Mr. Waltham: She抯 in hiding. She抯 utterly humiliated. She doesn抰 want to see you ever again.
Mrs. Waltham: We抮e very sad that it didn抰 work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you抮e absolutely delicious.
Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, I抦 standing right here!
Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are.
Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there抯 a whole cart outside?(Sees the Walthams and stops.)
Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller.
Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I抦 gonna be at that airport and I hope that she抣l be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel抯 name, but it didn抰 mean anything, Okay? She抯-she抯 just a friend and that抯 all! (Rachel sits down, depressed.) That抯 all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can抰 imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you抣l tell her that.
Mr. Waltham: All right, I抣l tell her. (To his wife) Come on bugger face!
Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she pats his but.) Call me.
Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don抰 you ever go out the bloody window!
[Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first class, depressed.]
Monica: Y択now, maybe it抯 best that we never got to do it again.
Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realizes something) Y択now, technically we still are over international waters.
Monica: I抦 gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I抣l see you there in a bit?
Chandler: 慘ay!
(Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom, Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to see Joey sitting in Monica抯 seat.)
Joey: Can I ask you something?
Chandler: Uhh, no.
Joey: Felicity and I, we抮e watching My Giant, and I was thinking, "I抦 never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think I抦 just wasting my life with this acting thing?
Chandler: No.
Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y択now, you think I抣l ever get there?
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Thanks man.
Chandler: Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.)
Joey: But what about how much taller he is than me?
(Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little bottle of booze.)
Joey: I mean, there抯 no way I can make myself taller now, y択now? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man?
(Monica returns.)
Joey: Hey, Monica, wow you抳e been in the bathroom for like a half-hour.
Monica: I know!
Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hi!
(They all hug.)
Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (They抮e shocked.)
Chandler: No we didn抰!
Phoebe: I know you didn抰, I was talking about Monica.
Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex.
Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off.
Joey: All right, I抦 gonna go say hi the chick and the duck.
Phoebe: Oh, me too!
Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them, you抳e been feeding them for four days?
Phoebe: Oh right, maybe I抣l just go home.
(She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and Chandler alone.)
Monica: Well, we certainly are alone.
Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, 慛ot in New York?rule.
Monica: Right. Umm, listen since we抮e-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross抯 mother?
Chandler: Right.
Monica: Well, an-anyway, I just梩hat night meant a lot to me, I guess I抦 just trying to say thanks.
Chandler: Oh. Y択now, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn抰 because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me 慶ause, you抮e really hot! Is that okay?
Monica: (laughs) That抯 okay.
Chandler: And I抦 cute too.
Monica: And you抮e cute too.
Chandler: Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: Bye.
(After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow him, but thinks better of it and stops.)
Chandler: (entering) I抦 still on London time, does that count?
Monica: That counts!
Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.)
[Scene: An airport in London, Ross is waiting for Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and sees Rachel walking past.]
Ross: Rach! Rach!
Rachel: (she stops and turns) Hi!
Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here?
Rachel: Well, I-I-I抳e been on Standby for a flight home for hours.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh?
Ross: Not yet.
Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave?
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.
Ross: Pretty soon I guess.
Rachel: Yeah. I抦 sorry.
Ross: I just, I don抰 understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y択now, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she抎 actually show up?
Rachel: No, you抮e not an idiot, Ross. You抮e a guy very much in love.
Ross: Same difference.
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board.
Ross: I get it! Well, that抯 that.
Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should go.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it抎 be really good.
Ross: Oh, I don抰, I don抰, I don抰 know?
Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you!
Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I can抰, I can抰 even believe her! No, y択now what, I am, I am gonna go!
Rachel: Good!
Ross: I know, why not?
Rachel: Right!
Ross: Right?
Rachel: Right!
Ross: Y択now梩hanks! (They hug)
Rachel: Okay, I抣l see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here.
Ross: Yeah, well卬ah.
Rachel: What? Wait, what?
Ross: Why don抰 you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not?
Rachel: Well-well, I don抰 know Ross梤eally?
Ross: Yeah, yeah, it抣l be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend.
Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that!
Ross: Okay!
Rachel: Okay!
Ross: Cool!
Rachel: All right!
Ross: Come on! (They go to the jetway, Ross hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here.
Rachel: Oh, okay, we抮e going. Yeah.
Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket!
Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait?
Ross: You tell them to wait!
Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait!
(Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only has Emily arrived, but she as seen Rachel take her place on the plane.)
Ross: Emily.
(She stares at him and Ross realizes what she抯 thinking.)
Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself.]
Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot and uh, (points to Ross抯 seat.) he will have a white wine spritzer. Woo! (Looks out the window.) Hey, look at that, the airport抯 moving. (Realizes that that抯 not how it works.) Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? Hey, time-out, umm, yeah, does the captain know that we抮e moving? (Sits back in defeat.) Oh my God. Oh, my gosh.
End
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