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The One With Ross抯 Denial
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Written by: Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!
(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey抯 nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he抯 now forced to actually hold his breath.)
Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yo梱ou trying to kill me?!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I wanna ask you something.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, what?
Rachel: Well since I抦 movin?out and-and you抮e so beautiful?
Phoebe: Oh!
Rachel: 卙ow about I move in with you?
Phoebe: Well, that would be great but then what do we do about Denise?
Monica: Who抯 Denise?
Phoebe: My roommate.
Rachel: You have a roommate?!
Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise!
Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe? Huh? And what about this Denise, is she cute?
Chandler: Pheebs, I don抰 understand. How can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about?
Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to anything that I say. I talk about her all the time! DENISE!!!!!
Joey: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin?uh, I抦 gonna have an extra room over at my place?
Rachel: Oh, that抯 true.
Joey: Yeah, why don抰 you move in with me? It抣l be great! We could stay up late, watch movies, and you know about Naked Thursday抯 right?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah I think I抦 gonna find my own place.
Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursday抯 was just our thing man!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading a magazine, eating a cookie, and drinking some coffee as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: So, what did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her?
Ross: Oh, that. Umm, she took it really well.
Phoebe: You didn抰 tell her did you?
Ross: No.
Phoebe: Of course not, because you抮e in love with her.
Ross: I am not in love with her. She was very upset about having to move out so I eh, didn抰 tell her we were still married because she would only get more upset. I-I just comforted her, as a friend.
Phoebe: What do you mean, comforted her?
Ross: It抯 nothing, I just gave her a hug.
Phoebe: Ah-ha! A classic sign of love, the hug!
Ross: It抯 also a sign of friendship.
Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case Lovey Loverson. (Tries to take a bite out of Ross抯 cookie.)
Ross: (grabs back his cookie) It was a hug!
Phoebe: Okay, just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair?
Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did?
Phoebe: Ninety percent of a women抯 pheromones come out the top of her head! That抯 why, that抯 why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! (Ross is staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross, you抮e a scientist.
Ross: I was hugging her as a friend. It抯 not my fault her-her hair got in my face, she抯 got a lot of it and it smells all-all uh卌oconutty. (Phoebe raises her eyebrows.) What?! Oh, that doesn抰 mean I have feelings for Rachel! Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts!
Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all right? Rachel抯 not in the same place you are.
Ross: (grabbing back his coffee) If the place you are referring too is being in love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place!
Phoebe: Okay, I didn抰 understand that, but y択now, maybe that抯 慶ause you were speaking the secret language of love!
(She goes for his magazine and he grabs it away before she reaches it. But she was only using the magazine as a decoy because she grabs his cookie and coffee, takes a bite out of the cookie and drinks some of the coffee.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just called for you.
Chandler: Who was it?
Joey: I don抰 know! How about, "Thanks for taking the message." Jeez! (Exits.)
Monica: Okay listen, y択now when you move in Rachel抯 room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it?
Chandler: Sure!
Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! And we could have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved staying here!! Okay, whatever, I really haven抰 thought about it that much.
Chandler: Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y択now? I mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like Space Invaders and Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big ones!
Monica: No.
Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee Chandler, what an interesting idea. Let抯 discuss it before we reject it completely."
Monica: Oh, I抦 sorry. Of course I mean that. Interesting idea, umm, talk about it, but no.
Chandler: So, that抯 it?
Monica: I just don抰 think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques.
Chandler: Which is why Asteroids is perfect! It抯 the oldest game!
Monica: What do you have against the beautiful guest room?
Chandler: I don抰 have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away!
Monica: Are you mocking me?
Chandler: No, I抦 not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room. (Exits.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming from across the hall.]
Joey: Hey, what抯 up?
Chandler: Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid fight.
Joey: But you抮e still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out today. (Shows him the paper.)
Chandler: (reading the ad) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Nice!
Joey: Yeah? I just figured y択now, after living with you it抎 be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y択now? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone who抯 different than me. And what抯 more different than me; a guy who抯 not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? (Points to his head.) Not just a hat rack my friend!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Pheebs, I have to ask you?
Phoebe: Shhhhhh! I抦 swamped right now.
Rachel: You抮e just staring into space.
Phoebe: Umm, I抦 trying to move that pencil. (There抯 a pencil lying on the table.)
Rachel: This one? (Picks it up.)
Phoebe: It worked!
Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at this; (Points to one and starts to read it.) "Wanted. Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." It抯 just, there is nothing! The city抯 full!
Phoebe: Wait, no, look at this! (Points to one.) (Reading) "Two bedroom, two bath, must be non-smoker, Satan worshipers okay? Oh, yeah, but it抯 on the ground floor.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place?
Rachel: Yeah! Why?
Ross: Okay, there抯 this guy, Warren, from the museum and he抯 going on a dig for like two years and he抯 got this great place he needs to sublet. So uh, you interested?
Rachel: That sounds great! I抎 love to live at Warren抯!! I love Warren! Thank you!
Ross: Don抰 thank me! If you wanna thank something, thank the volcano that erupted thousands of years ago, killing but perfectly preserving an entire civilization. (Rachel just looks at him.) Here抯 Warren抯 number.
Rachel: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him right now! (Jumps up.) Oh, thank you!
(She hugs him and he starts to hug her back but notices the look Phoebe is giving him and pushes her away.)
Ross: Okay, you go grab it!
Phoebe: I saw it.
Ross: I don抰 know what you抮e talking about.
Phoebe: Umm, I抦 talking about that which you already know but won抰 admit. You love her again; you re-love her!
Ross: Look, I do not re-love her.
Phoebe: I can抰 believe you won抰 just admit it! (Pause) Okay, just promise me that you won抰 do anything stupid.
Ross: Look, we抮e just friends now! Okay? Why would I do anything stupid?
Rachel: (returning from calling Warren) Ugh!!! Well, the apartment is already subletted! I mean, this is just hopeless. I抦 never gonna find anything.
Ross: You can live with me.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: What?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God! Are you serious?!
Ross: Uh-huh. (Phoebe grunts.)
Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross; that抯-that抯 great! Thank you!
Ross: Well, I抦-I抦 just glad I could, y択now, help you out.
Phoebe: Wow! I抦-I抦 so happy for you guys. (To Ross) This is so-so, not stupid.
Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be homeless. You just saved me! You抮e my hero!
Ross: Hero, I uh, I don抰 know梬ell, all right.
Rachel: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has! (Kisses him on the cheek and exits.)
Ross: Oh please! (He sits down.) (To Phoebe) You抮e gonna say things now, aren抰 ya?
Phoebe: No. No, I won抰. But I should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didn抰 love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! And that抯 how she ended up living with me! (Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay, that抯 a lie.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Chandler: Hi, listen, I抦 sorry about before. I don抰 need to have a game room. I mean when I was a kid I only played those games because I couldn抰 get girls, and now I can 慹m桸ow, I have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I think that I have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, I see women?
Monica: Stop it Chandler. (Chandler is relieved) I抦 sorry too.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah! Oh yes!
Chandler: Ohh.
Monica: Listen, we don抰 have to make that a guest room, we can think of something to do with the room together.
Chandler: That抯 a great idea! We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.
Monica: Totally!
(They start thinking.)
Chandler: We don抰 have to come up with this now.
Monica: Oh good.
Chandler: Hey, y択now what? Why don抰 we think about changes we can make in the living room?
Monica: Changes?
Chandler: Yeah, I mean we抮e gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living room.)
Monica: You抮e-you抮e-you抮e gonna bring the Barca Lounger over here?
Chandler: Is that a problem?
Monica: Well, it抯 a set and they should probably stay together.
Chandler: Oh, that抯 cool. Then I抣l just bring them both over.
Monica: See now-now you抮e taking them away from their home.
Chandler: Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing! Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours! I抣l get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work!
Monica: Yeah-yeah, y択now what? Yeah, that抯 it-that抯 it, everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! That抯-that抯 what I said! Oh come on, Chandler! I抦 talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesn抰 match! Where is it gonna go?!
Chandler: In the game room!
Monica: Look it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly!
Chandler: All right! That抯 fine! That抯 fine! I won抰 bring over the chairs! I won抰 bring anything over! I wouldn抰 want to ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma抯 place!! (Storms out.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing a potential roommate. And yes, she抯 a female, non-smoker and very non-ugly.]
Joey: (exiting from Chandler抯 room with the new roommate) Everything on your application looks really good桹hh! Just one last question umm, are you and your friends gonna be over here all the time like partying and hanging out?
The Potential Roommate: Oh don抰 worry, I抦 not really a party girl.
Joey: Whoa!! Now look, don抰 be just blurtin?stuff out. I want you to really think about your answers. Okay?
Chandler: (entering) You can call off the roommate search! (To the potential roommate) Hi! I抣l be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.)
Joey: Oh don抰 listen to him, he抯 just some guy who really wants the apartment, but I don抰 think he抯 gonna get it.
Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain down?
Joey: That thing was a hazard! (To the potential roommate) I抦 very safety conscious.
[Scene: Ross抯 Apartment, Rachel is entering and Ross is making some room on the shelves for his stuff.]
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some space for your stuff.
Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monica抯 and she and Chandler had a big fight and they抮e not moving in.
Ross: What do you mean, they抮e not moving in? They-they抮e still moving in right?
Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room.
Ross: What?! Over a stupid room!
Rachel: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but I抦 also really psyched 慶ause I don抰 have to move in here!
Ross: Oh no, yeah no, that part抯 great!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering, dragging Chandler, to mediate the argument between Chandler and Monica.]
Ross: What抯 all this about you guys fighting?! Is this really over a room?! I mean, that is so silly!
Monica: Ross, we can handle this.
Ross: Well, apparently not, and I can抰 just stand by and watch two people I care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean, enough of the silliness!
Chandler: Well, why don抰 you tell her to stop being silly! (Monica mocks him and he joins in.)
Ross: (stopping them) Okay-okay! Two very good points, look I抳e known you both a long time, and I抳e never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as you抳e been since you抳e got together. Do you really want to throw that all away over a room? That is so silly. Now wh-what is more important, love or silliness?
Chandler: Well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love.
Monica: Love is the best medicine.
Chandler: That抯 laughter.
Monica: Why do you do it?
Chandler: I don抰 know.
Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you wanna live with Monica, right?
Chandler: Yeah, I do.
Ross: And Mon, you wanna live with Chandler, don抰 ya?
Monica: Yes.
Ross: (jumping up) Good! A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York! (Storms out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at the counter waiting for Gunther, yep Gunther抯 back, to refill her coffee.]
Gunther: So I understand you抮e looking for a place.
Rachel: No-no, I抦 staying put.
Gunther: Oh, I was going to offer you my apartment.
Rachel: Why, where are you going?
Gunther: I don抰 know.
Ross: (entering) Hey Rach!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: You抮e never gonna believe it uh, Monica and Chandler are moving in again. That抯 great news right桰 mean for them. Right?
Rachel: Oh wow.
Ross: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be roommates again.
Rachel: Yeah. Y択now umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but don抰 you think it抯 gonna be weird?
Ross: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why would it be weird?
Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our history.
Ross: No!
Rachel: No?
Ross: No! No! It would be weird if we were still in that place, I mean are you still in that place?
Rachel: No! Not at all!
Ross: Good! Me neither! So it抯 not a problem. We抮e just two friends who happen to be roommates.
Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating.
Ross: Really?! We are?
Rachel: Yeah! I抦 gonna have a boyfriend, you抮e gonna have a girlfriend?
Ross: Ohh! That would be great.
Rachel: But y択now what, if you think it抯 gonna be okay we抣l just work out a system. Y択now, it抣l be like college, I抣l hang a hanger on the door and put a sign, "Come back later, I抦 gettin?lucky." (Laughs.)
Ross: (laughs as well, but for a different reason) Yeah, I didn抰 think of that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is once again being dragged in by Ross so he that he can try to manipulate the situation so that it抯 best for Ross, not necessarily what抯 best for Monica and Chandler.]
Ross: So are you sure about this whole moving in thing?! I mean it抯 a really big step! And-and what抯 the rush?!
(They both start laughing at him.)
Monica: That抯 very funny!
Chandler: He抯 being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness!
Ross: No, I-I-I抦 serious, okay? I mean, think about it. You move in, you start fighting over stupid game rooms, next thing y択now you break up!
Monica: Ross, you were right before, it was just a stupid fight about a room.
Ross: Okay, there are no stupid fights!! This isn抰 about the room, this is about what the room卹epresents! And unfortunately, this room (Points to Rachel抯 room) could destroy you!!
Chandler: Yeah, I'm not so worried.
Monica: Yeah, no, me neither.
Ross: Fine! It抯 your life! (Starts to storm out mad about his failed attempt at the manipulation of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries one last time.) I just don抰 want to see you guys break up! Which you will do if you move in together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.) but that抯 what you want, there抯 nothing I can do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.) DON扵 DO IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.)
Monica: You still want to move in together right?
Chandler: Of course!
Monica: Ross didn抰 scare you?
Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.
Monica: Come here, I want to show you something!
Chandler: Okay!
(They run to the living room where Monica has moved the chair back (Towards the step), the coffee table forward (Towards the TV), and taped a square outline on the floor.)
Chandler: Oh my God! Someone抯 killed Square Man!
Monica: This is where I thought the barca lounger could go! You see you could see the TV and it抯 still walking distance to the kitchen.
Chandler: Oh that抯 so sweet! I want to show you something too!
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Y択now those big-big uh, road signs that say "Merge?"
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Chandler: Y択now? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, that抯 you and I together! Merge!
Monica: Oh my God! I love that!
Chandler: Really?!
Monica: Uh, no!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song. Yep, the first new Phoebe song of season six, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are also there.]
Phoebe: (singing) I found you in my bed!
How抎 you whined up there?
You are a mystery!
Little black curly hair!
Little black curly hair!
Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair厖厖
(Applause.)
Phoebe: Now if you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
Ross: (To Rachel) So umm, where are the other guys?
Rachel: Umm, well let抯 see Monica and Chandler are occupied.
Ross: Fighting?!
Rachel: No, the other thing. I really think it抯 great they work things out.
Ross: Yeah. There抯 no breaking them up, is there?
Rachel: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can run across the street and make a copy?
Ross: Sure! Here. (Hands her his keys.)
Rachel: Thank you. (Gets up) Now are you sure? Because once I make a copy, there抯 no turning back.
Ross: Yeah, I抦-I抦 sure. (Deadpan) Yeah, get out of here before I change my mind. (She exits)
Joey: Umm, listen, Ross do you really think this moving in with Rachel is a good idea?
Ross: I抳e been back and forth.
Joey: Yeah well, maybe you should go back! Okay? Rachel moves in, and before you know it you抮e right where you don抰 want to be! Back together!
Ross: Ehh, I don抰, I don抰 think so. She抯 already talked about y択now, dating other guys.
Joey: That抯 not gonna work out! Then she抯 gonna come home all weepy and you抣l be tellin?her, "Oh that抯 okay. You抣l find someone." And then, bamn! She finds you!
Ross: Yeah, well, m-maybe you抮e right.
Joey: I am telling you Ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again! Now, is that what you want?
Ross: Is that what I want?
Phoebe: (on the microphone, accidentally) Yes.
(Rachel enters.)
Joey: Here she comes. Hold on, I抦 gonna make your life much easier.
Rachel: All right, well the place was closed. I抣l just copy it later.
Joey: Or not. Uh, Rach, why don抰 you just move in with me? (Rachel sighs.)
Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Joey!
Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no?It抯 okay, I mean I條ook Rach, I know I scared you off with that whole Naked Thursday抯 thing, but we don抰 have to do that!
Rachel: Well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall. Wait a minute, unless you抮e thinking about Naked Wednesday抯.
Joey: Thursday抯 clearly not good for ya, pick a day!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey has The Potential Roommate back for another interview.]
Joey: (opening the door to The Potential Roommate) Hi!
The Potential Roommate: Hi!
Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin?back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but I have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists!
The Potential Roommate: Great!
Joey: Okay now, before I make my final decision I uh, I just want to make sure our personalities match. Okay, so I made up a little test. Now, I抦 gonna say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind.
The Potential Roommate: I can do that.
Joey: Okay! Here we go. Pillow.
The Potential Roommate: Fight.
Joey: Very good! Okay. G.
The Potential Roommate: String?
Joey: Excellent! Okay umm, doggy.
The Potential Roommate: Kitten?
Joey: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though, but梑ye-bye! (He ushers her out the door.)
End
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