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The One With The Joke
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Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Story by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a magazine in his hand.]
Ross: Hey, you抮e not going to believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it!
Phoebe: I didn抰 know Playboy prints jokes.
Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It抯 not just about the pictures.
Monica: That didn抰 work on mom, it抯 not going to work on us.
Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it out. It抯 the first one, too.
(They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler, who抯 a little angry.)
Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.
Ross: What?
Chandler: I made that joke up.
Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didn抰. I did.
Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he抎 ever heard.
Ross: Hey, tell Dan, 慣hanks.?
(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)
Ross: What?
Rachel: I抦 sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)
Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Seriously?
Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes!
Ross: Look, Chandler, it抯 my joke. But, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don抰 print the name, so it doesn抰 really matter who gets credit, right?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys.
Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey, Joey, Playboy printed my joke.
Ross: No, it抯 my joke, it抯 mine. You can call them, they抣l tell you.
Chandler: It抯 my joke.
Ross: It抯 my joke.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey抯 apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
Joey: Let抯 go watch it at your place.
Chandler: Nah, Monica抯 watching some cooking show. Come on, I don抰 want to miss when they were skinny.
Joey: Chandler, Chandler, y択now what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.
Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?
Joey: No, that抯 VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . It抯 like a lotta noise to me. I don抰 know?
Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?
Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I haven抰 really paid the bill
Chandler: If you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?
Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay? Look, I know things have been a little tight since Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot.
Chandler: Whoa ho.
Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine).
Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?
Joey: Sure.
Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?
Joey: Not so much.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Monica: (relieved) It抯 only you.
Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing?
Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy.
Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes!
Monica: So do you think that these pictures桝re, are they trying to tell a story?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so she rides naked on the horse, she抯 crying out, 慦here are they, where are they??
Monica: Well, she抯 not going to find them lying in the grass like that.
(They flip through the pages to another picture.)
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?
Rachel and Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. She抯 cute, she抯 outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, that抯 got to come in handy
Monica: Okay, I抳e got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: (thinks) I don抰 know.
Monica: Me neither.
Phoebe: Rachel.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: I don抰 know. (Pause) Me neither.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart had.
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I learned to play on the keyboard.
Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.
Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I know I cracked up, but I抦 not even sure I got it.
Ross: What, you didn抰 get it? The doctor is a monkey.
(He and Chandler crack up.)
Chandler: And monkeys can抰 write out prescriptions.
(He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)
Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not allowed to laugh at my joke.
Ross: Your joke? Well, I think 憈he Hef?would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.
Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.
Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think I抣l show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.
Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there?
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Well, I抦 not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down).
Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down).
(Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.)
Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go.
Joey: Ah, Gunther, I can抰 pay for this right now because I抦 not working, so I抳e had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin?for stuff.
Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.
Joey: Uh, I don抰 know. Ya see, it抯 just, see I was a regular on a soap opera y択now? And to go from that to this, I just?Plus, I抎 have to wait on all my friends.
Gunther: Okay, but the money抯 good, plus you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.
Joey: What?!
Gunther: Flexible hours.
Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the phone?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler抯 bedroom, they are in bed together.]
Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.
Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he took it.
Monica: It抯 wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.
Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I抦 going to get a joke journal. Y択now? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.
Monica: That抯 a good idea.
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Do you know what抯 a bad idea?
Chandler: Picking Rachel.
Monica: That抯 right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something?
Chandler: Maybe it抯 the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
Monica: It抯 coming from the living room.
(They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.)
Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.)
[Scene, Phoebe and Rachel抯, they抮e sitting together on the couch.]
Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.
Monica: (laughing) Oh, don抰 you guys look cute. You guys make such a cute couple.
Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?
Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, I抦 just trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember, when you picked Rachel over me? That was funny.
Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny.
Monica: (angrily) It wasn抰 funny at all! Why would you do that? Why didn抰 you pick me?
Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that you抮e ?just ?kinda high maintenance桹kay let抯 go to lunch!
Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I抦 high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and we抮e going to go through it point by point!
Phoebe: No, okay, you抮e right. You抮e easy-going. You抮e just not as easy-going as Rachel. She抯 just more flexible and-and mellow. That抯 all.
Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different.
Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel ?she抣l do whatever you want. Y択now, you can just walk all over her.
Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you saying, that I抦 a pushover? I抦 not a pushover.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) you抮e not a pushover.
Rachel: Oh my ?you think I抦 a pushover. Well wait, watch this, you know what? You抮e not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I think that抯 pretty strong, that抯 what I think. Come on, Monica, let抯 go to lunch. (She leaves)
Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.)
[Cut to the hallway.]
Rachel: I cannot believe her.
Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat?
Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place.
Monica: I抦 sick of Japanese. We抮e not going there.
Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.
Monica: All right.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.]
Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.
(Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)
Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up.
(Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.)
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to drink, 慶ause I抦 heading up there.
Ross: Uh, yeah, I抣l take a coffee. Thanks, man.
Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? 慍ause I抦 going up there.
Rachel: No.
Monica: No, thank you.
Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need anything, 慶ause I抦 heading up there.
Woman: I抎 love an ice water.
Joey: You got it.
Monica: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a 憌hat抯 wrong with you??look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)
Rachel: Joey, honey, I don抰 think you抮e supposed to go back there.
Joey: Nah, it抯 okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they抮e in on a secret together.)
Gunther: Don抰 wink at me. And put on your apron.
Joey: Okay, but I don抰 see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons.
Monica: Joey, do you work here?
Joey: No.
Customer: Hey, waiter.
Joey: Yeah?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Joey, what抯 going on. What didn抰 you tell us you work here?
Joey: It抯 kind of embarrassing, y択now. I mean, I was an actor and now I抦 a waiter. It抯 supposed to go in the other direction.
Chandler: So is your apron. You抮e wearing it like a cape.
Joey: I mean, the job抯 easy and the money抯 good, you know? I guess I抦 going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.
Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.
Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee?
Joey: Okay, I guess it doesn抰 seem that weird.
Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven抰 gotten it.
Joey: See, now it抯 weird again.
Chandler: I think it抯 great that you work here. You抮e going to make a lot of money, and here抯 your first tip: Don抰 eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.
Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y択now? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It抯 all about turnover.
Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?
Joey: Oh, I抦 sorry, Ross. I抣l get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I抣l toss in a free muffin.
(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel抯, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]
Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?
Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.
Monica: Hah!
Phoebe: That true, I am flaky.
Rachel: So, what, you抮e just, you抮e just okay with being flaky?
Phoebe: Yeah, totally.
Monica: Well, then, I抦 okay with being high maintenance.
Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.
Phoebe: That抯 great. Good for you guys.
Monica: I am not high maintenance!
Rachel: I am not a pushover!
Phoebe: Who said you were?
Monica and Rachel: You did!
Phoebe: Oh, I抦 flaky. I抣l say anything.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition.
Gunther: No, I抦 leaving to get my hair dyed.
Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it抯 a great part. Look, check it out. I抦 the lead guy抯 best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. 慖抦 sorry, that seat抯 saved.?
Gunther: That抯 the whole part?
Joey: Okay, maybe he抯 not his best friend, but ?
Gunther: Okay, I抣l see you in an hour.
Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. 慖抦 sorry, that seat is taken.?
Patron: Oh, excuse me.
Joey: No, no, I didn抰 mean you. But, you believed me, huh?
Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.
Joey: So, you抎 hire me, right?
Patron: For what?
Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.
Customers: Huh? What?
Joey: Yeah, it抯 for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It抯 a very important issue in this month抯 Playboy. I抦 sure you all read about it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]
Ross: It抯 my joke.
Chandler: It抯 my joke.
Ross and Chandler: It抯 my joke.
Ross: Y択now, I don抰 think we抮e going to settle this.
Chandler: Let抯 have Monica decide.
Ross: Yeah!
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Hey Mon.
Chandler: Mon, get out here!
Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.)
Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.
Monica: Why do I have to decide?
Chandler: Because you抮e the only one that can be fair.
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: I can抰 be fair. You抮e my boyfriend.
Ross: Yeah, but I抦 your brother. We抮e family. That抯 the most important thing in the world.
Chandler: (to Ross) Don抰 try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) I抦 your only chance to have a baby. Okay, let抯 go.
Ross: We抣l each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth梞e.
Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first.
Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.
Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?
Chandler: Can I finish my story?!
Monica: Do you want me to pick you?!
Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that.
(Chandler motions to Monica that he抣l give her two babies.)
Monica: Continue.
Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve抯 doctor抯 name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, 慏octor Monkey??And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)
Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into man? Plus, I抦 a doctor, and I had a monkey. I抦 Doctor Monkey!
Chandler: I抦 not arguing with that.
Monica: All right, I抳e heard enough. I抳e made my decision.
(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it抯 offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn抰 be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
(Monica leaves the room)
Ross: It抯 your joke.
Chandler: Is not.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, she抯 lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]
Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are.
Chandler: Hi, oh hi.
Monica: Hey, it抯 Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don抰 you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?
(Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)
Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and?He falters and Monica prompts him.)梘enerosity of spirit.
Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I抳e ever heard.
Phoebe: Really? I抳e heard better.
Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.
Chandler: (To Chandler) I抦 out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?
Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!
Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You抮e a little high maintenance.
Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list.
Chandler: I抦 sorry. You抮e not easy-going, but you抮e passionate, and that抯 good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I抦 pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that抯 good too. So, they can say that you抮e high maintenance, but it抯 okay, because I like ?maintaining you.
Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn抰 even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right you抮e off my list.
Chandler: (happily) I抦 off the list. (Sits on the couch.)
Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, it抯 okay that you don抰 want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.
Phoebe: (to Monica) Y択now, suddenly I find you very attractive.
(Joey enters.)
Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, how抎 the audition go?
Joey: Not good, no. I didn抰 get the part, and I lost my job here, so ?
Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition.
Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here?
Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.
Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you抳e been working here two days? That抯 not, that抯 not right.
Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do?
Rachel: Joey, you can抰 let him get away with that. Ya know what, I抦 not going to let him get away with that. I抦 going to say something to him桸o, I really shouldn抰 say anything桸o, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him?
Gunther: Okay.
Rachel: What?
Gunther: He can have his job back.
Rachel: That抯 right, he can have his job back. I抦 glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back.
Joey: That抯 great. Thanks Rach.
Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who抯 a pushover?
Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach, you抮e in my seat.
Rachel: Oh, I抦 sorry. (Gets up and moves.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]
Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend.
Monica: I pick you, Phoebe.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought.
(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)
(Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?
Ross: No way.
Joey: I抦 not answering that.
Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I抦 not answering that.
End
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