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The One Where Chandler Can抰 Cry
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Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still looking out the window as Joey enters.]
Joey: (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh?Oh wait, I don抰 have to lie to you, you don抰 live here anymore. Uh, I抦 eating their food. What are you doing?
Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.
Joey: Whoa, I didn抰 know we could date your sister!
(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.)
Monica: Joey we know you steal our food.
(Joey offers them some potato chips.)
Chandler: I抦 good.
Monica: (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed hon?
Rachel: Yeah. And y択now who should抳e shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over.
Chandler: (looking) Is that a swing?
Rachel: Oh don抰 even ask!
Chandler: Yuck!
Joey: I can抰 believe Ross went out with Rachel抯 sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.
Chandler: That was like 5 years ago.
Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left!
Chandler: Joey?
Joey: You wanna make it 6?!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It抯 the next day.]
Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: (to Gunther) I抣l take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date last night?
Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.
Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?
Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes!
Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils.
Rachel: Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So really nothing happened.
Ross: Something could抳e happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.
Rachel: Right. Was it the, "Please don抰 show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?"
Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn抰 in to me, why-why would she ask me out again?
Rachel: She asked-asked you out again?
Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine抯 Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.
Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can抰! I can抰! I can抰! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I just can抰. It抯 just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can抰 do it! I can抰 do it.
Ross: (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay! Okay! Okay! It抯 okay. (Rachel stops.) It抯 okay. Hey, it抯 too weird for you, I won抰 see her again.
Rachel: Thank you. I厃eah.
Ross: I mean after tomorrow night.
Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can抰! I can抰 do it! (Starts to freak out.) It抯 just gonna freak me out!!!
Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I抣l-I抣l tell her tonight I can抰 see her anymore.
Rachel: Ross thanks.
Ross: You want me to call her right now?
Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that抯-that抯 crazy桰 mean that抯 crazy. So what抯-what抯 going on with you? What is going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester!
Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.]
Monica: (crying) This is my favorite part.
Phoebe: (crying) Yeah me too.
(We see the TV and it抯 the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.)
Phoebe: Oh y択now what抯 sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!
Joey: (crying) You didn抰 cry when Bambi抯 mother died?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!
Monica: Chandler there抯 nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don抰 have to be so macho all the time.
Chandler: I抦 not macho.
Monica: Yeah you抮e right. I don抰 know what I was thinking.
Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y択now? I抦 not a crying kind of guy.
Joey: Come on man there抯 gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?
Chandler: I抎 be sad sure, but I wouldn抰 cry.
Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I抦 rich!
Monica: Oh, I抳e got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good!
(Chandler starts paging through the album.)
Phoebe: All right, what抯 going on there? (Points to a picture.)
Chandler: Oh, that抯 Parent抯 Day, first grade. That抯 me with the janitor Martin.
Monica: Where were your parents?
Chandler: Oh they didn抰 want to come!
Phoebe: Oh Chandler!
Monica: Poor thing!
Phoebe: So that story doesn抰 make you cry?
Chandler: No! Look, I don抰 cry! It抯 not a big deal! Okay?!
Joey: No! It抯 not okay! It抯 not okay at all!! You抮e dead inside!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.]
The Fan: Excuse me.
Phoebe: Yeah?
The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
Phoebe: Yeah.
The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I抦 your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.)
Phoebe: Oh you抮e my biggest fan? I抳e always wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph)
The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you抮e really talented.
Phoebe: You抮e just saying that because you抮e my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) He抯 a fan. (To the fan as she抯 leaving) Bye! (Exits)
Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
The Fan: I have no idea what you抮e talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffay抯 autograph!
Joey: Oh, you抮e Phoebe抯 fan!
The Fan: Oh yeah! I抳e seen all her movies.
Joey: Movies?
The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
Joey: (laughs) I don抰 think so.
The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren抰 gonna believe this! (Exits.)
Joey: Hey Gunther, don抰 let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe抯 a porn star!
Gunther: Well, I wouldn抰 call her a star, but she抯 really good. You should check out Inspecther Gadget.
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters.]
Jill: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Jill: You抣l never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn抰 even tell me why!
Rachel: Ohhh well. Y択now what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! He抯 a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
Jill: Y択now, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I抦 not gonna date some random guy from your work.
Rachel: It抯 not random, it抯 Bob.
Jill: It抯 probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn抰 like the way I dress桸o that can抰 be it. It抯 really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I抦 so stupid! I抦 just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl!
Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to.
Jill: You asked him too?!
Rachel: Hm-mmm.
Jill: Why?!
Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history?
Jill: I don抰 understand, do you want to go out with Ross?
Rachel: No.
Jill: You don抰 want him, but you don抰 want me to have him?
Rachel: (changing the subject) Y択now Bob in Human Resources?
Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense!
Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don抰 date Ross! There抯 a million other guys out there, you just?
Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do.
Rachel: I抦 not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do!
Jill: Why are you so jealous of me?
Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can抰 have!
Jill: Can抰 have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can抰 have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.)
Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!
Jill: Who?!
Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica.]
Rachel: 匢 am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!
Monica: You抮e jealous of Princess Caroline?
Rachel: Do I have my own castle?
(Joey and Ross enter.)
Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe抯 not here is she?
Rachel: No.
Monica: (noticing the bag Joey抯 carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie?
Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don抰 think it抯 the kind you抮e gonna like.
Chandler: You didn抰 get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?
(Joey and Ross exchange looks.)
Joey: Sort of?
Monica: Guys, what抯 going on?
Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebe抯 a porn star!
All: What?!!
(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)
Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Monica: That抯 Phoebe! Where did you get that?
Joey: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker.
Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn抰 know he was in there. (They all kinda look at him.)
Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just桰 can抰, I can抰 believe this. Y択now, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who抯 always been somewhat of a question mark.
Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y択now she had such a terrible childhood.
Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don抰 do porn.
Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside.
Joey: All right well, I抎 better take that back.
Monica: Wh-what, why?
Joey: We can抰 watch that! I mean that抯 Phoebe!
Monica: Yeah you抮e right, we can抰梬e shouldn抰 watch this.
Rachel: Absolutely not.
Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn抰 let him grab it) Y択now maybe a little bit!
Rachel: Probably just the first half.
Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe抯 our friend! Well, I抦 not gonna watch it!
Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe!
Joey: Yeah.
(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)
(The movie starts, it抯 a vampire抯 lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up.
Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought I抎 find you here, Nasforatool.
The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around.
(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film playing off screen.)
Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?
Chandler: Her ankle is what you抮e watching?
Rachel: Well it抯 hard to tell?(Rachel gets up to get a closer look, only she抯 having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving.
Chandler: She抯 just doing her job!
Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards!
Rachel: Oh, it抯 a tattoo! That抯 weird, Phoebe doesn抰?Wait that抯 Ursula! That抯 not Phoebe that is Ursula!
(Upon hearing this, Joey can抰 turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it over.)
Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey! What抯 up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey sweetie!
Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)
Monica: (picking up the book) Chicken Soup for the Soul?
Chandler: There抯 no back to this couch!
Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y択now? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn抰 think I was y択now, all dead inside.
Monica: Oh that抯 so sweet! Look Chandler I don抰 care if you can抰 cry, I love you.
Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
Monica: Stop it!
Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we抮e up at the altar and I抦 like this. (Makes a bored face.)
Monica: I won抰 care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don抰 cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won抰 matter to me.
Chandler: Okay, well I won抰 uh, worry about this anymore then.
Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you抮e writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can抰 shed one tiny tear, I know you抣l be crying a river inside.
Chandler: Aww, I love you so?
Monica: What is wrong with you?!!!
Chandler: What?!
Monica: What?! You can抰 shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!
Chandler: So you didn抰 mean any of that?!
Monica: No you robot!!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he抯 running to answer it while doing up his pants.]
Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to?(Opens the door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that抯 just a little game I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they抳e really taken a liking to me. (Quickly looks out to see if they抮e watching.) Uhh what抯-what抯-what抯 the matter?
Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we抮e not supposed to see each other anymore and I抦 okay with that, it抯 just that I don抰 know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it.
Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.)
Jill: (entering) I don抰 want to talk about it.
Ross: Okay, umm?
Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up?
Ross: What?
Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides.
Ross: Wow! Really?!
Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.
Ross: Well, I抎 love to! Here, you wait right here and I抣l go get the projector and my notes!
Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you抮e such a good friend!
Ross: Ohh!
(He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he抯 gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler抯, Rachel is entering.]
Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can抰 find her anywhere.
Monica: No, I haven抰.
Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I抣l just call him to see if he抯 actually seen her.
(She goes to look out the window at Ross抯 apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)
[Scene: Ursula抯 apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: It抯 Phoebe! Phoebe!
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so you抮e making porn movies.
Ursula: No I抦 not.
(Someone calls out from her apartment.)
Man抯 Voice: We抮e still rolling!
Phoebe: You抮e making one right now!
Another Man抯 Voice: Let抯 go Phoebe!
Phoebe: And-and you抮e using my name!
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Same Man抯 Voice: Phoebe, come on!
Phoebe: Look, I抦 talking right now! You抮e梱ou mean her.
Ursula: Y択now, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Phoebe: What?!
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into the apartment) And shame on all of you! You抮e disgusting! Especially you (points to someone) with that! (Storms away.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show.]
Ross: Slides are almost ready.
Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!
Ross: Uh okay, well there抯-there抯 wine in the kitchen.
Jill: Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.)
Ross: (answering it) Hello?
Rachel: (on phone) What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?!
Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she抯 really upset we抮e just talking.
Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me!
Ross: So that抯 the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn抰 have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I抦 a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show!
Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me!
Ross: Y択now what? I think I can take care of myself, I抣l talk to you later. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.) Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you抮e just using me.
Jill: So? (Kisses him passionately.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Joey: Oh no, not you too!
Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay抯 checks; there were a lot of them.
Joey: Nice!
Phoebe: Um-mmm, and I won抰 have to go there anymore because I gave them my correct address.
Joey: That抯 great, but isn抰 it gonna bother that people still think you抮e a porn star?
Phoebe: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it.
Joey: You do?
Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where he抯 seen her before.) (To him) You抮e trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I抣l give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See?
Joey: Yeah.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.]
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been right about Jill.
Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened?
Ross: Umm, she kissed me.
Rachel: What?! You kissed!
Chandler: (To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy.
Monica: (To Chandler) Shhhh!!!
Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?
Rachel: Well, it doesn抰 sound like it! I mean, it抯 pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don抰 kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!
Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn抰 stop it. I guess I-I just wasn抰 thinking?
Rachel: Yeah that抯 right you weren抰 thinking! Y択now what? Let me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.)
Ross: Oh wait梙old it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.
Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister抯 mouth long enough to tell me that.
Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: No, I mean, look I don抰 know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don抰 want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector.
Rachel: Wow. I, I don抰 even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks him.)
Ross: You抮e welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)
(Chandler starts crying.)
Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying?
Chandler: (crying hysterically) I just don抰 see why those two can抰 work things out!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill enters.]
Jill: All right, I抦 leaving! Because I抦 not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That抯 you Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.
Jill: (To Ross) And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you?
Ross: You take care Jill.
Jill: (happily) Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
Rachel: Bye-bye-e!
Monica: Bye.
Chandler: (starts crying) I-I can抰 believe Jill抯 gone. (They all look at him.) I can抰 help it, I opened a gate.
End
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