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The One That Could Have Been
Part I Written by: Greg Malins & Adam Chase
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
{Transcriber抯 Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, that抯 why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Wow!
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-who抯 Barry and Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost married and Mindy was my best friend.
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasn抰 he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isn抰 that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Ross: I know what you mean, I抳e always wondered how different my life would be if-if I抎 never gotten divorced.
Phoebe: Which time?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadn抰 realized she was a lesbian.
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I can抰. I keep seeing it the good way.
Ross: I抎 bet I抎 still be doing my kara-tay. (That抯 karate, he抯 just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y択now, not doing anything else physical.
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldn抰 be dating me, that抯 for sure.
Chandler: Sure I would!
All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah right!
Chandler: What, you guys really think that I抦 that shallow?
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, there抯 Carol again!
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? I抎 probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my job抯 fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I don抰 have to wear a tie.
Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who worked there and-and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Rachel: Well why didn抰 you take the job?
Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought everything that rhymed was true. So I thought y択now that if I抎 work with stocks, I抎 have to live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, we抎 still hang out?
Opening Credits
{Transcriber抯 note: This is where the opening credits are, but they抮e not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachel抯 still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then they抮e dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesn抰 apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Ross: No-no. It抯-it抯 me, Ross!
Rachel: Oh, I抦 sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monica抯 brother!
Ross: Yeah. Right.
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Ross: Good-good, I抦-I抦 married. (Shows her his ring.)
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Ross: Is-isn抰 it the best?
Rachel: Oh, it抯 the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm how抯 Monica?
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually she抯 right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.
Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, she抎 be so excited!
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Rachel: Oh wait, don抰 you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Ross: No, it抯 okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I don抰?
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.
Rachel: But! Don抰 you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, let抯 go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monica抯 boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monica抯 fat, I won抰 be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: He抯 not boring! He抯 just-he抯 just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Y択now, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it抯 a seed.
Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a well known seed that抯 been masquerading as a nut?
Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Oh no! What抯 the matter?
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Monica's Boyfriend: Y択now what honey? I got to get back to the hospital.
Monica: Okay.
Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)
Chandler: Was his question what抯 more boring than him?
Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesn抰 have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: That抯 an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Joey: That抯 great! That would be great! Let抯 do that!
Chandler: I could use the money; it could give me time to write.
Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I don抰 need any assistance in there, take a break!
Chandler: All right!
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. She抯 wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Phoebe: Ohh that抯 so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, it抯 a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, it抯 okay. It抯 okay, you抮e allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Hey Mon!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight? (She抯 not quite sure of that one.)
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Ross: And that抯 Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since we抳e seen each other?
Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahon抯 party. I played you one of my songs, y択now Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, are梔o you, do you still do music?
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! I抣l play you one of my other?
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Monica: Rach, he抯 a friend of ours.
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Chandler: Well it抯 kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he抯 not real.
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
Rachel: He抯 coming over! He抯 coming over!
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and can抰 look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachel抯 hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you?
Joey: Well, it抯 always nice to meet the fans.
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) She抯 not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe抯 cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Who抯 this? (Listens) Oh okay, you抮e gonna like working for me. What抯 your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I?Whatever?Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Chandler: Uh-oh, it抯 my boss!
Joey: All right, here抯 a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work I抦 delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are don抰 you?
Chandler: What?
Monica: You抮e his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monica抯 room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didn抰 just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I can抰 call my office they抣l kill me! I can抰 call my clients they抣l kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I can抰 breathe.
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: Then yes that is what I抦 having. (Takes another puff of the cigarette.)
Monica: Oh my God!
Commercial Break
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, it抯 not that bad! Y択now most people would be excited if they didn抰 have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Most people don抰 like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and I抦 already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is nature抯 way of telling you to slow it down.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature抯 way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But you抮e not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you抮e not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Monica: Let抯 take a walk. (They start to leave.) Y択now maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) So what抯 going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, I抳e been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?
Ross: Well, last weekend?
Phoebe: Oh that抯 not so bad.
Ross: 厀ill be two months?
Phoebe: That is.
Ross: 卻ince I stopped trying.
Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
Ross: What-what do you mean?
Phoebe: I don抰 know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other?
Ross: Oh.
Phoebe: Y択now, dirty talk, m閚age ?trois, toys?
Ross: Wow!
Phoebe: Roll playing?You could be the warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate; she could be the wench!
Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and you抮e-you抮e-you抮e rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody抯 watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So how抯 it going with Joey?
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "I抦 with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "I抦 lost and I can抰 find food."
Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
Monica: Yeah! She抯 right in there! (Points to Phoebe抯 room.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Joey: All right, and over there is Brady抯 Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else? What else?
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, y択now, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldn抰.
Joey: Why? (In Drake抯 voice.) Why can抰 the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isn抰 that a line from the show?!
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drake抯 voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Rachel: That抯 a line from the show too!
Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.
Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, here抯 the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, there抯 pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I don抰 like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isn抰 juice. All juice, okay?
Chandler: I抦 sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey: Oh my God, I抦 sorry, I抦 being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) You抮e gonna throw that juice at me, aren抰 ya?
Chandler: It抯 not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Carol: What do you mean?
Ross: Carol our sex life is梚t抯 just not working?
Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why don抰 we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why don抰 you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ben: Yay! (Runs off.)
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life?I was thinking, maybe I don抰 know, we could try some-some new things. Y択now? For fun?
Carol: Like what?
Ross: Well I don抰 know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carol抯 shocked and obviously doesn抰 like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesn抰 like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, y択now we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
Carol: (quickly) I love that idea!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Monica: Oh my God! That抯 great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) You抮e a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Chandler: Aww.
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out? My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica won抰 let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesn抰 budge.)
Chandler: You wanna share it?
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know you抮e mad, but I just want to say I抦 sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Y択now? I mean, y択now how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: It抯 not mayonnaise!!
Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say I抦 sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)
Chandler: What抯 this?
Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey: Oh my God! That抯 great! Congratulations! What抯 the story?!
Chandler: Oh you wouldn抰 uh, care. It抯 just a stupid comic book story.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesn抰 want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assist梐s his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can抰 have lumps in them.
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? 慍ause I think I read it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Rachel: Ohh! And I抦 one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Well, y択now it抯 none of my business, but aren抰 you married?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Y択now I just wish we could be like on a break!
Monica: Well, you抮e not.
Rachel: Oh, it抯 so easy for you I mean, you抮e not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And don抰 think I don抰, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. You抳e, you抳e done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, I抦 some 30 year old virgin?
Rachel: Oh my God! You抮e a 30 year old virgin!
Monica: Say it louder, I don抰 think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.
Monica: It抯 not like, I haven抰 any opportunities. I mean, y択now, I抦 just waiting for the perfect guy. I抦 seeing this guy Roger, all right? He抯 not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y択now, give him my flower.
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you抳e waited long enough!!
Monica: Y択now what? You are right?!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn抰 be all this rules and restrictions! Y択now, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever?
Monica: Rachel! I抦 never gonna think it抯 okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebe抯 room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe: No! It抯 not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Monica: Put it out!!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) I抦 so glad you抮e here.
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.
Ross: I got it!
Phoebe: Give it!
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she can抰 come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Phoebe: Thank God.
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, she抯 fired.
[Scene: Rachel and Barry抯 bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course it抯 a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. It抯 set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: You抳e done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!
Dr. Drake Remoray: That抯 right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you抮e not a real doctor! And that woman抯 brain, is fine!
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!
Hope: (sleepily) Drake!
Dr. Drake Remoray: You抮e not dying Hope, you抮e gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Hope: Oh Drake.
[Drake and Hope kiss.]
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joey抯 phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! It抯 Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
Commercial Break
{Transcriber抯 Note: This is where Part II begins, which means this is now episode 616.}
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find?
Carol: Ooh, actually I抳e been making a list of all the women I know who might be into doing this!
Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someone抯 been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so?
Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Y択now, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda?
Carol: Oh, me too.
Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Ben抯 asleep.
Carol: Oh umm, y択now I think it would be better if we just save it.
Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey, how抯 it going?
Phoebe: Well, I抳e got to get out of this bed, I抦 going crazy here. Crazy!
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Ross: She doesn抰 know she was fired yet, does she?
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, he抯 right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Phoebe: I know! But if I didn抰 work there, what else would I do?
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
Phoebe: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your brother!
Chandler: Uh, what about y択now the massage thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
Phoebe: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump change梠oh, what do I do?! What will I do?!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.) Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake dog.]
Rachel: Ohh, I mean it抯 just so realistic!
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. You抣l have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do you梤eady for a refill?
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldn抰梥o I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! It抯 like it抯 raining!
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if you抮e thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn抰 get sucked up into the mechanism, well you抎 be wrong.
Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Joey: It抯 uh, right through there. (Points.)
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God y択now, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbiani抯 apartment?
Joey: Yeah, life抯 pretty great isn抰 it?
Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope you抮e hungry, we抮e starting with oysters. And y択now what they say about oysters, don抰 you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Dr. Roger: What people?
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?
Monica: And then we抮e gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Dr. Roger: Y択now, it抯 funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases?
Monica: No-no-no, no! It抯 sensual!
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didn抰 know! Okay!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Dr. Roger: I抦 sorry sweetie, it抯 the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Monica: I can抰 promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
Ross: We抮e really gonna do this, huh?
Carol: Looks like it.
Ross: Y択now, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at?(A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Carol: (jumping up to get it) I got it!
Ross: Okay.
Carol: (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Who抎 you think it was gonna be?)
Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
Carol: Thank you so much for coming.
Susan: Oh, I wouldn抰 miss it for the world.
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
Ross: I抦-I抦 Ross by the way.
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what you抳e done with this space.
Carol: Thank you so much.
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susan抯 coat.)
Ross: How hot is this?!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monica抯 dinner.]
Chandler: I抦 sorry you抮e here with me instead of Roger.
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like he抯 here. (Imitates him.) "Here抯 some little known facts about cous-cous. They didn抰 add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Monica: Stop it!! That抯 not funny!!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: I抦 sorry, okay? It just梩onight was supposed to be y択now, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Chandler: What was tonight?
Monica: You don抰 want to know what tonight was.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?
Monica: Well, tonight was梬as going to be my first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. I抳e Had Sex Four Times!
Chandler: Four different women! I抳e had sex way more times!
Monica: How many?
Chandler: Nine.
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really think that Roger is the perfect guy?
Monica: No. He抯 not a horrible guy.
Chandler: Hey that抯 what I tell girls about me.
Monica: Chandler, I抦 gonna die a virgin!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Monica: I was kidding.
Chandler: So was I.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, you抮e such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey?She falls off the couch)梂hoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Joey: Yeah you did.
Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Rachel: Wow! I can抰, I can抰 feel my hands.
Joey: Come, come here.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Chandler: We can抰 do this.
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y択now? Because you抳e been waiting a very long time and I wouldn抰 want to disappoint you.
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if you抮e horrible, how would I know?
Chandler: I do like that.
Monica: It抯 harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three. So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Chandler: Stop it! We抮e doing this! Let抯 do it!
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Chandler: I have some moves.
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin?there?! (Giggles.) Oh y択now what? I抦 sorry, this is just too weird.
Chandler: Yeah, let抯 just forget it.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Chandler: Okay!
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (sexily) Yeah?
Monica: That抯 the couch.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica抯 bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: I know! I抣l tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that again.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Joey: (entering) Morning!
Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where she is) Oh right.
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I can抰 believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we did梬e didn抰, we didn抰 uhh?
Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that.
Rachel: God I抦 just a horrible person.
Joey: Wh-why?
Rachel: Because I抦 married. That抯 right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV star抯 apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Joey: That抯 ridiculous! I抦 not a "Star," just a regular famous actor.
Rachel: Yeah and I抦 a horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me?
Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh?(He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey: Sure! As long as they don抰 find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Rachel: No! No-no-no?
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, you抳e had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn抰. And that抯 what this ring stands for.
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprice抯 undying love for her brother.
Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?!
Rachel: Yeah!
[Scene: Phoebe抯 hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Look at you! You抮e up!
Joey: All right!
Phoebe: I thought I抎 try to take a walk. Would you pour me some water? I抣l be back soon.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You抮e not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Phoebe: No. I抳e learned my lesson.
(She goes out into the hall and when she抯 there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Phoebe: Let抯 go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man who抯 holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Ross: Hey Joe did?Did you ever have a threesome?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carol抯 great and I抦 sure you抮e a very attractive man, but I?
Ross: No! The reason I抦 asking is that?I sorta had one last night.
Joey: You?
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Wow!
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: All right! So, was it amazing?
Ross: It was, it was okay.
Joey: Just okay桪id you do it right?!
Ross: Look, it抯 just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I weren抰 here?"
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, you抮e worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Y択now what I mean?
Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely!
(They both laugh.)
Ross: It抯 just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
Joey: Not the other one?
Ross: No, she kept kicking me away!
Joey: Yeah, you don抰 want that.
Ross: No!
Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff!
Joey: You got a little bored?
Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
Joey: Yeah? What did ya have?
Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard?
Joey: Sounds good.
Ross: It really was!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that was you!
Monica: Hey, check me out, I抦 a slut!
Chandler: So you uh, want to do something tonight?
Monica: Oh I can抰. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because you抮e still seeing him and uh, he抯 a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when?(He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
Monica: Great! It抯 so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you I抦 all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Chandler: I bet he can.
Monica: Y択now, I don抰 have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure you抮e okay?
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Don抰 worry about me, I抣l be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barry抯 bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Barry: You-you-you said you were gonna be away all weekend!
Rachel: Oh that抯 right! I抦 sorry! I-I am early! Finish! Please!!
[Scene: Phoebe抯 office, she is arriving without the knowledge that she抯 been fired.]
Phoebe: Surprise! Look who抯 back!
Arthur: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didn抰 you get fired?
Phoebe: Uh, I don抰 think so!
Jack: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Jack!! Hey!
Jack: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Jack: Well, you were fired.
Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Jack: I told that guy who answered your phone.
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didn抰 get that message. So this doesn抰 count桝nyway, I抣l be in my office.
Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you don抰 have an office.
Phoebe: That抯 all right, I抣l work here. This is goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the lobby next to a plant.)
Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen?
Phoebe: You抮e in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake?
Jack: You lost 13 million dollars.
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Y択now it抯 bad enough that桹w! Oh, you have got to be kidding!
Jack: Are you all right?
Phoebe: I抦 having another heart attack!
Jack: What?!
Phoebe: I抦 having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!
Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
Phoebe: (to Arthur, he抯 the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!
Woman: Hey Pheebs! How抯 it going?!
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and I抦 having heart attack.
Woman: Wow! Well, welcome back!
Phoebe: Yeah.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Ross: Umm, no.
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell him that I抦 looking for him and that this I am not gonna throw up!
Ross: That-that抯 always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel: Me? I抦 great! I抦 fine! I抦 sooo good!! But, you know who抯 not great?! Men! You抮e a man right Ross?!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Sit down!
Ross: Okay. (He does so.)
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you we抮e going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbor抯 dog walker?!
Ross: We抮e sorry.
Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Ross: Didn抰 you spend last night at Joey抯?
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross: Look I-I don抰 know what抯 going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Rachel: Oh. (Doesn抰 believe it.)
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel: Who are these men?
Ross: Men. I guy I know.
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Ross: She is not?(Realizes) She抯 gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I can抰 believe this.
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Ross: I抦 sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I抦 sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren抰 that great either.
Ross: Try telling my wife that.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Chandler: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?
Monica: What?!
Chandler: I抦 the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)
Monica: Why would you do that?
Chandler: Because you shouldn抰 be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they don抰 just happen. Y択now? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning y択now I was just lying there and I couldn抰 wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always y択now with a friend.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I know you probably don抰 want to go out with me, y択now because I make too many jokes and I抳e never been in a serious relationship and I guess I抦 not technically a "doctor?
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasn抰 there?
Chandler: No, there were two.
Monica: Including me?
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new song as the gang looks on.]
Phoebe: (singing)
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see?
One of them won抰 do it, but the second one will set you free?
Tell all your hate and anger, it抯 time to say good-bye?
And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die!
La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la厖
End
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