六人行FriendsMP3 711-12（在线收听） |
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The One With All The Cheesecakes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Help from: Aaron Howard-Miller -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene: Chandler and Monica抯, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table.] Chandler: Ohh. Mmm. Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi. Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake. Rachel: Oh, y択now I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I?Chandler puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.)梂ow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.) Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us. Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. (Gasping) Thief. Chandler: I梟o! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box. Rachel: Why, why not? Chandler: Because it's too delicious. Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong. Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma抯 Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I抦 a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, I抦 sorry, what? Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Rachel is there as Joey gets up and starts putting on his coat.] Joey: All right, I should get going, big day at work. Y択now I抦 in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I抦 not brain dead. Chandler: So? Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, it抯 just my character that抯 not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight? Phoebe: Absolutely! Joey: I抣l see you at 8:00. Phoebe: Okay. (Joey exits.) Chandler: Oh, what抯 at 8:00? Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys. Ross: Wow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today? Phoebe: Duly noted. Ross: Thanks. (Phoebe gets up to get a refill.) (To Monica) Oh! So for tomorrow, do you want to rent a car and drive down together or what? Monica: What are you talking about? Ross: Cousin Frannie抯 wedding, it's tomorrow night. Monica: You were invited?! Ross: No. Monica: My God, I can抰 believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were inseparable! Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie抯 made some new friends. Ross: Well l-look okay, it抯 probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail. Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that y択now when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadn抰 have stopped her, there probably wouldn抰 even be a wedding to go to. Ross: Y択now, she tried to undress me too. Chandler: I used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then shushes him.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are playing Monopoly as Phoebe enters angrily.] Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!! Rachel: Umm, I think he抯 still out. What抯 wrong? Phoebe: Well, I抣l tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note. (Hands it to Rachel.) Rachel: (reading the note) "Pheebs, can抰 make it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy." (Laughs) Big Daddy? Phoebe: Oh that抯 a nickname we were trying out. Ross: Hey, y択now what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron! (Monica shakes her head in disgust.) Joey: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Oh! Here抯 Joseph Francis! Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note! Phoebe: So what?! That doesn抰 give you the right to ditch me! Joey: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for sex! Ross: Phoebe he抯 right, that is the rule. Phoebe: I don抰 accept this rule. When we make plans, I expect you to show up. Okay, I can抰 just be a way to kill time 憈il you meet someone better! Y択now boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this (Motions that their friendship) is for life! Joey: Wow! I抦 so sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much. Phoebe: Well, it does. Joey: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I抦 sorry. (They hug.) How about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I抣l pay for myself! Phoebe: Okay, you wore me down. Ross: Hey Joe, while you抮e over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron? Joey: The Ross桰s that back?!! (Chandler motions no.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters to find Chandler staring at another cheesecake box.] Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again! Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what抯 the problem? Chandler: I can抰 seem to say goodbye. Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more? Chandler: Well I抳e forgotten what it tastes like okay?! Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling?(Pause) Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva! Chandler: (closing the box) Y択now what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake. Rachel: Yeah and we抣l drop it off downstairs so that we抮e not tempted. Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch? Rachel: Momma抯 Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there. Joey is reading a newspaper.] Joey: Awww! Mel Torme died. Monica: Joey, that paper抯 like a year old! Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goody抯 sale is over?! Ross: (entering) Hey. Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn抰 a mistake. Ahh, there抯-there抯 limited seating in the hall. Monica: Limited seating?! (Screechingly) I am just one tiny person! Ross: Well yeah, but she doesn抰 know that. I mean, the last time she saw you-you would抳e turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling. Monica: (disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That抯 not the reason she抯 not inviting me! Ross: Oh what抯 the big deal?! I wasn抰 even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and y択now what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then we抣l-we抣l leave early as a sign of protest. Monica: Joan? Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. She抯 an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed! Monica: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn抰 invited and you got "and guest?!" Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross抯 behalf. I-I think the rule applies here y択now, since she has a chance to get on broad back? Ross: (interrupting) Not broad backed! Monica: Wait a minute, y択now, you抮e bringing me! Ross: What? I can抰 cancel on Joan! Monica: Why not?! Ross: Bec桪id you not hear me?! She抯 an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? They抮e wild! Why do you want to come anyway? Monica: Because! She抯 my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! We抮e family y択now? Well that抯 important to me. Ross: Okay, all right, I抣l take you. I抣l go call Joan. (Does so.) Joey: Aww that抯 nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life. Monica: (laughs) We抣l see. [Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachel抯 building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch.] Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch. Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn抰 pay, I thought you paid! Chandler: So apparently we just don抰 pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see? Rachel: (gasps) Its still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in front of her door.) Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.) Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she抣l be gone for months. Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don抰 want her to come back to bad cheesecake. Rachel: No that could kill her. Chandler: Well, we don抰 want that. Rachel: No, so we抮e protecting her. Chandler: But we should take it. Rachel: But we should move quick. Chandler: Why? Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there. Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are entering. As Phoebe is sitting down, she recognizes someone sitting at the counter.] Phoebe: (gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! That抯 David! Monica: David who? Phoebe: David the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David! David: (noticing Phoebe) Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh, you say someone抯 name enough, they turn around. David: Phoebe? Phoebe: David! (He kisses her cheek) What-what are you doing here? Aren抰 you supposed to be in Russia? David: Yeah, I抦 just, I抦 just in town for a conference. Umm, God you look phenomenal! Phoebe: Well?Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut? David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them. Phoebe: Yeah. David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to make? Phoebe: Uh-huh. David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn抰 know whether I should call or not, y択now I-I was only in town for a few days. And y択now, I didn抰 want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you and梑ut I didn抰 know if you wanted to see me. Phoebe: Well, of course I would want to see you. I匢 think about you all the time. David: Really? Because I think about you all the time. Phoebe: Really? David: I mean, there抯 a statue in Minsk? Phoebe: Uh-huh. David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it抯 actually of Lenin. But, y択now at certain angles? Phoebe: Yeah. David: Umm, anyway匘o you want to have dinner tonight? Phoebe: (excited) Yes! Oh no! David: (disappointed) Oh. Uh, what? Phoebe: I can抰. I can抰 believe I have plans, I can抰. Can you do it tomorrow night though? David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, y択now, next time you抮e in Minsk umm? Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go over and talk.) Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight. Monica: So! He抣l understand! Phoebe: No he won抰. And that抯 not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now y択now what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don抰 have my principles, I don抰 have anything! Monica: God, you are so strong. Phoebe: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00! Commercial Break [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler are eating the cheesecake right out of the box.] Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good! Chandler: I抦 full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I抣l regret it. Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Joey: (seeing what they抮e doing) What do you got there? Rachel: Oh it抯 umm, it抯 tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.) Chandler: What are you doing tonight? Joey: Huh? Uh?(He starts taking off his pants.) Chandler: Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.) Joey: Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, I抳e got those plans with Phoebe, why? Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00. Joey: What?! Tonight?! Chandler: That抯 what Monica said. Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she抯 trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy! [Scene: Cousin Frannie抯 Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are entering and finding their table.] Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. (Reading the name cards.) Yeah. Monica: Limited seating my ass. Let抯 see who made the cut. (To the couple sitting to her right.) Hi! The Wedding Guest: Hi! Monica: I抦 Monica Gellar. Who do you know the bride and groom? The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie. Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! I抦 a relative and I didn抰 get invited! A blood relative! Blood!! Ross: (To Monica) Stop saying, "Blood" to strangers. Monica: (to the couple on her left) So, how about you huh? How do you know the happy couple? The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live next door. Monica: Okay, you抮e fine. [Scene: Iridium Restaurant, Phoebe and Joey are looking at the menus as the waiter comes to take their order.] The Waiter: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! The Waiter: Are you guys ready? Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water抯 fine. The Waiter: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. The Waiter: (To Joey) And for you sir? Joey: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin?here? The Waiter: It抯 uh, it抯 already been roasted. Joey: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again. Phoebe: Oh Joey, we抳e heard the specials three times! Okay? There抯 prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it to the waiter.) The Waiter: Actually we抮e out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joey抯 menu under his arm.) Joey: Oh well, that changes everything! (Grabs his menu and starts looking at it again. The waiter leaves.) Y択now what Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Joey: You were right before. I mean, friends are so important. Phoebe: (checking her watch) Yeah, I抦 very wise. I know. Joey: Y択now-y択now what I really want? Phoebe: What? Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Y択now? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up. The Waiter: (returning) Any progress? Joey: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli. Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever! Joey: What抯 the rush? What? Phoebe: W-w桰 just梚t抯 that桰 have梱択now I have-I have an appointment. And it抯 very important. Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it? Phoebe: Well?It抯 a date. Joey: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you wouldn抰 schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend! Phoebe: Come on Joey, don抰 make me feel badly about this. Joey: No, I抦 gonna!! That抯 right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin?out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, you抮e doing the same thing! Phoebe: That桰t抯 not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, he抯 very special to me. Joey: Okay, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too! Phoebe: She was? Joey: Well, she graduated from high school! Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Y択now what? I don抰 have time to convince you because he抯 only here for four hours, and I抦 gonna go see him! (Gets up and leaves.) Joey: Fine! Phoebe: Yeah! Joey: Fine! Phoebe: Yeah! (She exits.) Joey: (to the waiter) What are you still doin?here?! I told you, lobster ravioli! [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is running up to meet David.] Phoebe: Hey! David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn抰 think you were coming. Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn抰 miss this. David: Well, I抦 very glad you抮e here. (Kisses her hand.) Phoebe: Oh, you抮e such a gentleman. (Grabs his arm.) Come on! We抮e going to my place! (Drags him off to her place.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the cheesecake and Chandler enters and catches her in the act.] Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?! Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.) Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?! Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are dessert stealers! We are living outside the law! Chandler: Y択now what? I don抰 trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I抦 takin?it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.) Rachel: What?! What?! Chandler: Oh yes! Rachel: Wait a minute! Chandler: Oh yes! Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don抰! [Cut to Chandler and Monica抯 as they enter.] Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes! Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We抮e gonna split it! You take half and I take half! Chandler: Well that抯 not fair, you抳e already had some! Rachel: What? Oh, well then y択now what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy. Chandler: What do we use to split it? Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half. Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh?There抯 more crust on this side. Y択now? So, maybe if I measured? Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece! Chandler: All right, I抣l pick that one. (Points.) Rachel: That抯 also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don抰 come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. (As she抯 saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!! Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh! Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece. Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don抰 come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my?(Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.) [Scene: Cousin Frannie抯 Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, alone, as a woman approaches.] The Woman: Ross, sweetheart! Ross: Oh, hey Aunt Millie. Aunt Millie: Isn抰 it a beautiful wedding?! Ross: Yes, yes it is. It抯 uh?(Aunt Millie uses this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?! (Cousin Frannie and her husband enter.) Monica: Here抯 Frannie. Hmm, won抰 she be happy to see me? (Starts to get up and greet Frannie.) Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn抰 bring you here so you can ambush her. Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom. Ross: That bitch! (He gets up and they go over to ambush Frannie. Monica taps on Frannie抯 shoulder.) Frannie: (turning around) Monica! What? Monica: Am I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?! Ross: (to Frannie) Hi Frannie, congratulations. Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! What梂hy wouldn抰 you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?! (Frannie抯 husband walks up.) Stuart! Frannie: I believe you know my husband. (Monica is shocked into silence.) Ross: So it抯 really a question of who could you have possibly done. [Scene: Outside Central Perk, David has a cab waiting to take him to the airport and he抯 saying goodbye to Phoebe.] David: Oh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I can抰 miss my flight. Phoebe: Are you sure? I抣l bet there抯 another flight to Minsk in like? David: July. Umm, (He speaks Russian.) Phoebe: That抯 really beautiful. What does it mean? David: Please, clean my beakers. I don抰 get out of the lab much. Phoebe: That抯 good. I got to admit, I thought it was something else. David: Yeah, I?Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn抰 because y択now, I卙ave to leave. Phoebe: You抮e right! You抮e right. Don抰 say it. David: I-I do though. Phoebe: I do too. (They kiss.) David: Bye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that event.) Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, now抯 not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow. Joey: No! No! No Pheebs, I抦 not gonna yell at you. I just y択now, started thinking about you and David and I卹emember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just?Oh Pheebs, come here. (He hugs her.) Are you okay? Phoebe: No I抦 not okay. The only guy I抳e ever been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may never匢 may never see him again. (Crying.) Joey: Hey, y択now you could always visit him. Phoebe: Oh right, like they抮e gonna let me have a passport. Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need. Phoebe: Well桞ut桸ow, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y択now before he does, then he can come back. (They hug again.) Joey: I can give it a shot. [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.] Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There抯 a piece that doesn抰 have floor on it! Chandler: Stick to your side! Rachel: Hey, come on now! (Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.) Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin? (Starts digging in.) Ending Credits [Scene: Cousin Frannie抯 Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.] Monica: Oh wait I forgot my wrap. Ross: What? Oh, okay. Wait here. (Goes to get it, but before he gets there Aunt Millie sits down on it forcing him to pull it out from behind her which gets her attention.) Aunt Millie: Hi sweetie! Are you leaving? Ross: Well? Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. Come on! Come on! (Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.) Ross: Why?! Why on the lips?! (He wipes his mouth on Monica抯 wrap and walks off, leaving Aunt Millie stunned.) End -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The One Where They抮e Up All Night -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Written by: Zack Rosenblatt Transcribed by: Eric Aasen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene: The Building抯 Roof, the entire gang plus Tag are there to look for a comet. They抮e looking for a comet on a roof of a New York apartment building. Yeah, that抯 realistic. You might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny day.] Monica: (looking up) Ross, when抯 this comet thing start? Ross: Well, technically it started seven billion years ago?(Well, technically you抎 be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see it with all of the bright lights of New York.) All: (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to get up and leave.) Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, I抣l stop! No teaching, okay? We抣l just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets don抰 streak across the sky, meteors do.) Okay? Who抯 official name is Bapstein-King. All: Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.) Phoebe: (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn抰 Mother Nature amazing? Chandler: (looking up with her) That抯 a plane! Phoebe: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that抯 pretty amazing too. Tag: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here. Rachel: No. No, you can抰. Tag: What? Rachel: Oh I don抰-I don抰 know. Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn抰 it? Joey: (looking through his binoculars at a nearby building) Y択now what else makes you wonder? Ross: Huh? Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the comet.) Opening Credits [Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.] Monica: Okay, we抳e been out here for two hours and we haven抰 seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler抯 getting chilly. (She walks over to where Chandler is bundled up in a big coat and shivering.) Chandler: (with a quivering voice) No, I抦 not! Joey: Then why are you wearing Monica抯 jacket? Chandler: Because it抯 flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He goes inside.) Rachel: Yeah actually, I think we抮e gonna take off too. We rented a movie. Phoebe: Oh! I won抰 say, 憂o?to a movie! Rachel: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone. Phoebe: Shh! Get me out of here. Rachel: Oh. (They leave, leaving just Joey and Ross.) Joey: (whispering) Ross! Ross: What? Joey: Come here, check this out! Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joey抯 standing.) Joey: No! No-no. Look, there抯 a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.) Ross: Joey come桰 can抰 believe桰 bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature抯 most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman! Joey: (standing up) Y択now, there抯 two women dude. Ross: Show me where? Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them through a piece of pipe.) Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey where抯 the pipe that was holding the door open? Joey: (annoyed) I don抰 know! (Goes back to looking through the pipe.) (Pause) Yeah, I do. Ross: Joey! Joey: What?! All right桯ey! Don抰 look at me! You抮e the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet! Ross: It抯 called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer! Joey: (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No! No! (He starts banging on the door.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler抯 bedroom, Monica is sleeping and Chandler抯 sitting in bed, wide awake.] Chandler: (whispering) Monica! Monica: She抯 sleeping. Chandler: I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon? Monica: Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is what抯 going to happen to you if you wake me up. Chandler: Sorry, I just卌an抰 sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover I抦 like?Fake snores.) Monica: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin. Chandler: What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the living room.) [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.] Phoebe: (crossing her fingers and closing her eyes) Please don抰 be a space ship. Please don抰 be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks around and finds that it抯 the smoke detector that抯 beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a chair over and starts to investigate how to make the beeping turn off, in frustration she yanks the thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads for bed, just as she gets there it beeps again. She opens the cover and removes the battery, but it still beeps.) How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can? Smoke Detector: Beep! Phoebe: Don抰 interrupt me!! [Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on the door.] Ross: Rachel!! Monica!! Joey: Come on! (Ross gets fed up with Joey抯 banging and stops him by pulling him away from the door.) Ross: I can抰 believe this!! Joey: All right well, y択now匢 guess we know what we have to do to get down. Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we don抰 have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! We抮e stuck up on the roof and we can抰 get down!!! Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. (Points it out.) Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasn抰 finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But don抰 worry! We抮e gonna go down the fire escape!! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Chandler has a jug of milk in his hands and decides to make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet to get a pot and manages to knock several other pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.] Chandler: Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) I抦 sorry, I thought maybe I抎 make some warm milk and it would help me sleep. Monica: With a wok? (Chandler抯 holding a wok.) I thought you were going to read my boring book to put you asleep. Chandler: It got interesting! Damn you Oprah! Monica: Here, let me make the milk, I抦 up anyway. Chandler: Hey, y択now what we can do? Y択now, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y択now like we did when we were first going out. It抎 be fun! Monica: Okay that does sound like fun. Chandler: Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh? Monica: The second sister dies?! Chandler: (Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading. Monica: The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest? Chandler: That抯 correct. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Tag are making out on the couch.] Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? It抯 a little more comfortable. Tag: Sure. Rachel: Okay. (They start to head for the bedroom) Oh wait! Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan? Tag: If this is your idea of sexy talk? (Shakes his head that it抯 not working.) Rachel: No seriously, y択now the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them? Tag: What contracts? Rachel: Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that I don抰 get. Tag: Like what? Rachel: Y択now, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? (He starts laughing.) Tag! I抦 serious! This isn抰 funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today! Tag: Rach, I抦 sorry, but you didn抰 give me any contracts! Rachel: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today," and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn抰 want to seem too bossy. Tag: I抦 telling you, you never gave them to me. Rachel: Y択now what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those contracts sitting on your desk. Tag: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk! Rachel: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch! Tag: You wanna go down to the office right now? Rachel: No! Come on its late, we抮e not gonna go down to the office. Tag: Okay I understand. (Sits down.) I wouldn抰 want to be proved wrong either. Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks her hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work! [Scene: The Fire Escape, Joey and Ross have reached the last landing. Joey is tugging on the ladder that extends to the ground, but it won抰 budge.] Joey: All right, it won抰 go down any further. It抯 stuck. Ross: Ugh. Well, we抮e just gonna have to jump. (Joey looks at him.) Yeah. Now, we抮e gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there厃ou go up to the roof and you let me in. Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?! Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you抣l be fine! It-it抣l be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y択now? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won抰. Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete? Ross: Well, I抦 not gonna lie to you Joey, it抯 a possibility. Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I don抰 know Ross! I-I tell you what, let抯 flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right? Ross: Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails! (The coin bounces off of the landing above them and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see what it is? Joey: No. Ross: Okay. Well, you be careful. Joey: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I抦 not jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow and I can抰 go if I break my leg. Ross: Well I抦 not jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won抰 have a father if-if I die! Joey: Well all right so, it looks like we抮e even! [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is still investigating the smoke detector trying to figure out how to stop the beeping.] Phoebe: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here. (She points at each as she says it.) Okay so, to get the beeping to stop all I have to do?(She picks up a shoe and proceeds to pummel the smoke detector. She then gets up and heads to bed, stops, quickly turns around, and is satisfied that the beeping has stopped.) Well done, Pheebs. (She resumes her trek to bed, but is stopped at the entrance to the hallway by the now steady and extremely loud tone emanating from the smoke detector.) (Yelling.) What do you want from me?!!!!!!! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Monica is entering with a mug.] Monica: Okay, here抯 your milk. What do you want to talk about? (She sees that Chandler has fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake him up.) Chandler: (startled) What? What? What? Monica: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? I抦 sorry. Here. (Hands the mug of milk to him.) [Scene: Rachel抯 Outer Office, Tag and her are arriving.] Tag: Okay! Feel free to look, but I抦 telling you those contracts are not on this desk. Rachel: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what I抦 talking about! You have to be organized! You抳e got newspapers! You抳e got magazines! You got桹hh! (Finds a picture.) And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever. Tag: It抯 my sister. Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y択now what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.) Tag: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon? Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave Tag) that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right? Commercial Break [Scene: Rachel抯 outer office, Tag has finished searching his desk and Rachel comes out to try to plant the folder on the desk.] Tag: It抯 not here. Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why don抰 you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there? Tag: How could I have left them in the copy room? Rachel: I don抰 know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay? It抯 not a perfect world! Just go please. Tag: Fine. Rachel: Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds to plant the folder in his bottom drawer. She then picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.) Hello? (Hangs up the phone.) I still don抰 get it. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler has his eyes closed, while Monica is fully awake.] Monica: Are you still awake? Chandler: Yeah! You? Monica: You do know that was me who just said that right? (He doesn抰 respond and she turns on the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as we抮e both up? Chandler: (intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope you抮e not thinking about cleaning the living room. [Scene: The fire escape, Joey and Ross are still trying to figure out how to get down.] Joey: Man, I抦 starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or salad?" Both! Always order both! Ross: (looking in the window behind them) Y択now, y択now I抦 lookin?and I don抰 think anyone抯 home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y択now explain later. Joey: Yeah? Really? No one抯 home? Ross: I don抰 think so. Hello? (Knocks on the glass, which angers the big, large, angry dog behind the glass and causes them to jump to the other side of the landing.) When you get in there?(Joey nods his disapproval.) [Scene: Phoebe抯 apartment building, in desperation she has wrapped up the smoke detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into the trash chute.] Phoebe: Okay, this is where you and I part ways. (She drops the blanket into the chute.) Noisy bitch! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now sleeping Monica.] Monica: What?! What are you doing?! Chandler: Do you know what just happened? Monica: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep. Chandler: No. We were in the middle of sex卆nd you fell asleep. Monica: Nooo! No, that抯 not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked my world! (She turns out the light to go back to sleep.) Chandler: (turning the light back on) Monica? Monica: What?! Chandler: I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right! Monica: Okay. Okay, I抦 ready. Come on big fella! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Give me the good stuff. Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don抰 fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn抰 move as he gets out of bed and as he抯 heading for the door.) And I probably won抰 spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor. Monica: Okay, I抦 up! I抦 up! [Scene: Rachel抯 outer office, she抯 returning with two coffee cups in hand to find Tag sitting there.] Rachel: Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh?(She looks for a place to set it on his messy desk and he clears a spot for her to set it down.) 協air enough. So! Do you got anything for me? Tag: Still no luck. Rachel: Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers! Tag: Do you want me to check again? Rachel: Well yeah, I wish that you would. (He opens the top drawer.) Well, no it抯 not in there! (Closes it.) How about that drawer? (She points to the bottom one and he opens it. She doesn抰 see the folder she planted and bends over to check.) Tag: Well, it抯 not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office? Rachel: (thinks) Y択now, I don抰-I don抰 know. Let me, let me check. (As she heads for her office, she stops glances over her shoulder at Tag, looks into her office, and finds the folder on her desk.) Tag: (smirking) Any luck? Rachel: Can I see you in my office for a minute? Tag: (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder) You found them!! (Rachel is not amused, because she抯 still going to try to blame him for her mistake like every 慻ood?boss.) Y択now what? I抦 not even going to gloat. I抦 just really relieved this whole thing is over. Rachel: You put these on my desk! Tag: I did not! Rachel: Oh really? So you抮e saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! (I think Dogbert should have a line here.) Tag: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer? Rachel: (pause as she realizes her lame attempt to shift the blame has failed) I am so hot for you right now. [Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is someone pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily walks over and answers it. As she nears the door, the pounding stops and she can hear the smoke detector抯 wail.] Phoebe: Oh my God! How did you get back here?! A Disembodied Voice: (yelling through the door) Phoebe Buffay?! Phoebe: (scared) Fire alarm? (She opens the door to reveal a fireman holding the blanket with the smoke detector.) Oh! Hi, officer梖ireman, can-can I help you? The Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the trash chute. Phoebe: That抯 not mine. The Fireman: Yes it is. Phoebe: How do you know? The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, don抰 wrap it in a blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica." Phoebe: Okay do you桹kay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last time I checked this was still America! The Fireman: Please reattach this, it抯 against the law to disconnect them. Phoebe: Fine! (She takes the blanket.) But please God; tell me how to stop them from going off! The Fireman: There抯 a reset button under the plastic cover. Phoebe: There抯 a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! (He exits and she goes to shut it off.) There抯 a reset button! My God! Why didn抰 I see that! (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for the button.) Reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is! (Picks it up off of the floor.) Oh! (She presses it hard, but of course it would help if the button was still attached to the detector. In frustration she presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.) Ohh, God! [Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that won抰 move and Ross is watching from above.] Ross: Okay, do-do you have a good grip? Joey: Yeah! Ross: Okay, I抦 going to start climb down you now. Joey: All right! Just hurry up! Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we抮e face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we抮e-we抮e butt to face. Joey: I think face to face. Ross: I would say that. Joey: Face to face, yeah! Ross: Okay, here I go. Joey: All right. (Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey抯 chest.) Joey: (grunting) Oh my?How much do you weigh Ross?! Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I抦 still carrying a little holiday weight. (Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey抯 torso, but that doesn抰 work very well and he抯 forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross抯 crotch.) Joey: Y択now, when we talked about face to face, I don抰 think we thought it all the way through. Ross: So what do you want me to do? Joey: Well, just shimmy down me and drop! (Ross continues his trek south, and when they get face to face.) Ross: Hi. Joey: Hi. Ross: (looking down) M-maybe I should hang and you can climb down me. Joey: (angrily) Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while! Ross: It抯 still looks pretty far! Joey: It抯 not that far! Just drop! Ross: Do not rush me!! (Ross continues south and his now wrapped around Joey抯 legs.) Joey: Ross, you should know that my pants are startin?to come down and I抦 not wearing any underwear! (Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.) Ross: Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it when I桹oh, a quarter! Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they抮e cuddling.] Monica: That really was some of your best work. Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I can抰 believe that I抳e only got two hours before I call in sick for work. Monica: I have to be up in seven minutes. Chandler: Well, you抮e not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes? Monica: Really?! Chandler: Do you wanna? Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and I抣l get the furniture polish! (She runs off leaving a stunned Chandler behind.) End -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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