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The One With Joey抯 Award
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Teleplay by: Brian Boyle
Story by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there as Joey is entering excitedly.]
Joey: Hey! You guys! You抮e not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent?
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) I抦 sorry, too soon. You go.
Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!
Monica: Joey!
Phoebe: Good for you!
Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I can抰 believe you抮e nominated for an Emmy!
Joey: No-no.
Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!
Joey: No! I抦 up for a Soapie!
Monica: Honey? Is that something you抮e making up?
Joey: No, no, no! It抯 real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! I抦 up for a Soapie!
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!
Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I抦 taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh, stop that! Don抰 kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be there?
Joey: Many are scheduled to appear.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can抰 go! I抦 gonna be too nervous!
Monica: (to Joey) Okay, I抣l go!
Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have.
Opening Credits
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: 卆nd it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand it抯 collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it抯 predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?
Lewis: What kinda noise?
Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
Lewis: But like how?
Ross: Well we-we don抰 know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesn抰 know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that抯 uh, that抯 all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Morse: Yes sir.
Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I抦 afraid I-I had to fail you.
Morse: (shocked) Why?!
Ross: Well you need 60% to pass?
Morse: What抎 I get?
Ross: Seven.
Morse: That抯 not so good.
Ross: No-no it抯 not. What-what happened there Ned?
Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I抦 sort of in love.
Ross: Well I抦 sorry but, that-that抯 really not my problem.
Morse: I抦 in love with you.
Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Morse: You see, that抯 why I did so bad on this test. I抦 having a hard time concentrating. When you抮e up there (Points to the podium) and you抮e teaching and your face gets all serious厃ou look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater?
Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, I抦 your teacher. I抦 sorry, you抮e-you抮e a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!
Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, he抯 really cute.
Phoebe: Go for it.
Monica: Phoebe, I抦 engaged!
Phoebe: I抦 just saying, get his number just in case. But no: Chandler is in an accident and can抰 perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi!
Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I抦 engaged. (Points to her ring.)
The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.
Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.)
The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you.
Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the chair.]
Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is匤oey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh?Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn抰 prepare a speech. But umm, I抎 like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, who抳e always been there for me. I抎 also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel?
Rachel: I抦 fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple syrup award!
Joey: Yeah may-maybe you don抰 tell anyone about this.
Rachel: What? No! It抯 not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.
Joey: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: What award are you practicing for?
Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist.
Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie抯 called today, and I also get to present an award.
Rachel: Ohh that抯 great!
Joey: Yeah!
Rachel: So you抣l definitely get onstage, even if you don抰 win.
Joey: (confused) What you-you don抰 think I抦 gonna win?
Rachel: Well of course I do! But y択now, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you抮e up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it抯 just匢抳e never even been nominated before! I want it so much.
Rachel: Well Joey, you抣l probably get it. But you should probably start practicing your gracious loser face. Y択now when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed, but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y択now? So it抯 sorta like?(Does it, you抣l have to see it.)
Joey: Hey! (Likes it.)
Rachel: Y択now?
Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too?
Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.
Joey: Ah.
[Scene: Monica抯 Restaurant Kitchen, she抯 cooking as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Monica: Hey! How抎 your date go with Jake?
Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn抰 keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y択now, he抎 kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)
Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you抮e getting me all tingly.
Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was y択now, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?"
Monica: And did he?
Phoebe: I抦 a lady Monica, I don抰 kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.)
Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.
Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like I抳e had 10 drinks today and I抳e only had six.
Monica: Oh, I haven抰 had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I抦 never gonna have that feeling again, am I?
Phoebe: You sound like a guy.
Monica: No, a guy would be saying, "I抦 never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I抦 never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I抳e been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I抎 be giving up! I mean, I匢抦 never gonna have a first kiss again.
Phoebe: You抣l have a last kiss.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.]
Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?
Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
Ross: There抯 this kid in my class who said he抯 in love with me.
Joey: Whoa!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what?
Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.
Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There抯 a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Yeah! I don抰 know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of卻exy professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at him.)
Rachel: Not right now.
Ross: It-it桾he point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.
Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y択now you桰 couldn抰 concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what抯 it抯 like to be 19 and in love.
Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: How抎 you get over that teacher?
Rachel: I didn抰. I got under him.
Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.]
Jake: Bye Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.)
Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)
Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.
Monica: Phoebe, it抯 okay. You don抰 have to tip toe around me. I-I抳e been thinking about it and umm, y択now what? I抦 okay about not having that new relationship feeling?
Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!
Phoebe: (yelling back) I miss you too!!!! (He walks away.)
Monica: See? That抯 what I mean. I mean that, that抯 great! But I wouldn抰 trade in what I have for that. I mean I抦 gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that抯 what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is, don抰 you think?
Chandler: Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger.
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joey抯 category is up next and the presenter walks to the podium.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize?
[Cut to Joey and Rachel抯 table.]
Joey: (To Rachel) This is it! This is my category.
Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your speech?
Joey: Yeah, I got my speech!
Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face?
Joey: Yeah. (Does it.)
Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me!
Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?
Rachel: On TV?! Yeah!
Joey: 慘ay!
[Cut to the presenter.]
The Presenter: 卛n the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless (Applause), Duncan Harrington from Passions (Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes to?She opens the envelope)匞avin Grant from The Young and the Restless!
Joey: What the?! (Joey pounds the table and starts yelling at Rachel, and which is drowned out by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell Joey that he抯 on TV right now. He finally notices and he does his gracious loser face.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer is introducing the next presenter.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.)
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are: from Passions: Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to die out.) From One Life to Live: Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children: Sarah McCann, and from Days of Our Lives: Jessica Ashley. And the winner is?Opens the envelope)匤essica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn抰 be with us tonight, so I抣l be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And I抦 sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She抎 also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel, who抯 sittin?right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off; this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are entering.]
Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?!
Joey: Rach, we had to get out of there because: look what I won! (He whips out the award for Best Supporting Actress that he accepted for Jessica.)
Rachel: Oh my God, you stole her award!
Joey: No-no! No, I抦 accepting it on her behalf. (He puts it up above the TV to display it.)
Rachel: Joey I don抰 think you know what behalf means.
Joey: Sure I do! It抯 a verb! As in, "I behalfin?it!"
Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back!
Joey: But why?! I should抳e won one and I really want it, and she didn抰 even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.
Rachel: (looking at the award) No! Joey!
Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of 慹m.
Rachel: Do you really want an award you didn抰 win?
Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody抯 giving me any of those! Plus桯ey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over they抣l see it and they抣l think I won it.
Rachel: Joey, it says Best Supporting Actress!
Joey: I can scratch that right off.
Rachel: Joey, no: this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don抰 want to win an award this way. You抮e very talented. And someday you抮e gonna win one of these for real, and that one is gonna mean something.
Joey: All right!
Rachel: All right? (He sets the award down.) Thank you.
Joey: I抣l take it back tomorrow.
Rachel: Thank you.
(He goes into his room and closes the door. Rachel goes to pick it up and?
Joey: (opening his door) If I can抰 have it you can抰 have it! (Rachel walks away angrily.)
[Scene: Ross抯 Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him.]
Lewis: Professor Geller?
Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?
Lewis: I know I didn抰 do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade.
Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.)
Lewis: Because I抦 in love with you.
Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?!
Lewis: Yeah, I抦 all卛n love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade?
Ross: No!
Lewis: Well why not? You changed Ned抯 grade!
Ross: Well that抯 different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me!
Lewis: No he抯 not! He抯 totally yanking your chain! He抯 done this with three other teachers!
Ross: What?
Lewis: He抯 got a girlfriend!
Ross: I can抰 believe someone would do that for a grade.
Lewis: I know! It抯 awful. I love you.
(Ross glares at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: Have you seen Chandler?
Phoebe: No. Why?
Monica: 慍ause I just keep thinking about all these things that I抦 not gonna have, and it抯 freaking me out. I don抰 know what to do about it.
Phoebe: Okay, don抰 sweat it. (Looking around her.) Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy抯 cute. (Points to a guy sitting behind Monica.)
Monica: Phoebe! Come on, I抦 serious! I just got to talk to him about all this.
Phoebe: No, that is the last thing you want to do!
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: Because you抮e marrying him!
Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, I抳e never been engaged and I抳e never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.
Monica: So I抦 not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I抦 gonna spend the rest of my life with?
Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, you抮e supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.
Monica: Your mother told you this?
Phoebe: Yes!
Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?
Phoebe: Oh my God! You抮e right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before it抯 too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesn抰 get you love? (Monica is shocked.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are there to give Jessica her award.]
Rachel: I cannot believe I抦 gonna meet Jessica Ashley!
Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman.
Rachel: Okay, I抦 totally cool! (She coolly knocks on the door)
Jessica Ashley: Come in.
(The enter.)
Joey: Hey Jessica.
Rachel: (coolly) Hey Jess.
Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel.
Jessica Ashley: Hi.
Rachel: 慡up? (Joey glares at her.)
Joey: Uh listen, here抯 your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to her.)
Jessica Ashley: (shocked) Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?! (She rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.)
Joey: Well, that-that-that抯 it? You抮e gonna, you抮e gonna put it on your shelf or anything?
Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you抣l excuse me. (She exits.)
Joey: (To Rachel) Take it back?
Rachel: Absolutely.
Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is talking to Chandler.]
Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share?
Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big
Monica: You抮e wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all?
Chandler: Kinda. They抮e really big.
Monica: Doesn抰 it ever just freak you out that-that you抮e never gonna be with anybody new again?
Chandler: What?
Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just匢t抯 just sometimes it bothers me that I抦 never gonna have that feeling. Y択now when you meet someone for the first time and it抯 new and exciting? Y択now that rush?
Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it抯 uh it抯 mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.
Monica: Okay, but all right you抮e a guy, does it not freak you that you抮e never gonna sleep with anybody else?
Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new: anxiety, panic, and, I抦 afraid, even more sweating.
Monica: Even with me?
Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that you抮e having these thoughts, I抦 back to panic, anxiety, and uh I抦 definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you don抰 have to worry. No, besides y択now what? I抦 gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid?
Chandler: (hoarsely) Water! Water! Water!
[Scene: Ross抯 classroom, he has just finished his lecture and the students are filing out.]
Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?
Morse: (walking up) That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut?
Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I抦 changing your grade back.
Morse: What?! Why?
Ross: 慍ause I know what you抮e trying to pull here. Okay? It抯 not gonna work.
Morse: I抦 not trying to pull anything. Look, I love you dude.
Ross: Y択now what? I-I抦 not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay?Ned looks shocked)梇eah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel, Ned?! You used me! You don抰 love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, I抣l be right with you. (To Ned) Don抰 make this worse and I抣l give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
Phoebe: Rach?
Rachel: I抣l be out in a second.
(Phoebe notices the Soapie on the counter.)
Phoebe: Oh. (Picks it up.) It抯 just so unexpected! I匢 uh匓oy I抣l tell you it抯 just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y択now to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in?
Rachel: (entering from her room) Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.
Phoebe: 卛n Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. (To an imaginary Neil Simon) Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. (Blows him a kiss.)
Rachel: Okay honey, you can finish this later we抮e gonna be late. We gotta go.
Phoebe: Please, don抰 play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT扴 SATURDAY NIGHT!!
End
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