|
The One Where Rachel Tells?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by: Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.]
Chandler: Hey! Babe! Aren抰 you excited we抮e going on our honeymoon?
Monica: Yeah I am!
Chandler: (singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama?
Monica: That抯 right. Get it out of your system while we抮e alone.
Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Yeah! Have a great honeymoon!
Chandler: I抎 better go pack.
Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn抰 find though was your Speedo.
(Joey looks at him, Phoebe tries not to smile, and Chandler is shocked.)
Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I don抰 have a Speedo. I抦 gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)
Rachel: (entering) Oh good you抮e still here!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: I want to tell you to have a good honeymoon! (Hugs Monica.)
Monica: Thank you.
Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. (They all look at her expectantly) What? What? What?
(Pause.)
Joey: We know its Ross!
Rachel: How?! How do you know?
Phoebe: It was his sweater, but桹h my God!
Rachel: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I抦 so relieved you guys know.
Monica: This is so great! And I抦 gonna be your baby抯 aunt!
Rachel: I know! (They hug.)
Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.)
Joey: I抦 gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.)
Rachel: (breaking the hug) You抮e all gonna be aunts and uncles.
Monica: Yeah, but I抦 the only one related by blood.
Rachel: Okay. Great! So now that you guys all know you can help me. Give me some advice on how I抦 gonna tell Ross!
Monica: Well, what were you gonna say?
Rachel: Well I was gonna tell him that I抦-I抦 gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants.
Joey: Well that, that sounds good.
Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, what抯-what抯 the first thing that I say? (They all pause to think.) Okay great! Thanks. (She starts to leave.)
Monica: Hey! Good luck!
Phoebe: Yeah, bye.
Joey: Bye.
(Rachel exits.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey, what was that all about?
Monica: Well I guess there is no harm in telling you now, Rachel and Ross are gonna have a baby.
Chandler: (in a high pitched voice) What?! I didn抰 even know that梂hy didn抰 you tell me?! (Pause) Why am I talking like this?!
Monica: I didn抰 think you could keep it a secret.
Chandler: (in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.
Joey: What secrets?
Chandler: Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.
(The girls walk away.)
Joey: (whispering to Chandler) You抣l tell me later?
Chandler: You already know.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are entering.]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.
Joey: Y択now, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something.
Phoebe: All in good time my love. All in good time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar in their apartment. Well you can let me in later.
Joey: I don抰 have a key, they took mine to give to you.
Phoebe: What?! They took mine to give to you!
Joey: Why would they take away our keys?
Phoebe: Maybe they don抰 trust us.
Joey: No that抯 not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town.
Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monica抯 guest towels?
Joey: Hey, I washed those!
Phoebe: No you didn抰.
Joey: Yeah that didn抰 sound like me.
Phoebe: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar!
Joey: Yeah, I have stuff in there too.
Phoebe: What stuff?
Joey: Monica抯 chicken parm! I抣l take care of it. (He picks up the phone) Hey Mr. Treeger, it抯 Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandler抯 apartment. It抯 an emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Did Rachel find you?
Ross: No why?
Phoebe: Oh she was looking for you.
Ross: Oh well, I guess I抣l catch up with her later.
Phoebe: Well, she really wanted to talk to you now.
Joey: Yeah, it seemed pretty important.
Ross: Oh no.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I think I might know what this is about.
(Phoebe and Joey trade looks)
Joey: Really?
Ross: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we weren抰 gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago Rachel and I slept together.
Phoebe: (deadpan) And?
Ross: Wow! I thought you would be a little more shocked.
Phoebe: Oh sorry. (Shocked) And?!
Ross: Well, we-we said we抎 just do it that one time but, but now I think she may wanna start things up again.
Joey: Yeah, I don抰 think that抯 what it is.
Ross: Why? What-what else could it be?
Joey: Oh wow, I don抰 feel well.
Ross: I抦 telling you. I抦 telling you. That抯 what it is. No wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn抰 say anything to you?
Phoebe: (To Joey) Maybe it抯 something you ate?
Joey: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel.
Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, y択now what I have to realize? Maybe I抦 just not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Y択now, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He pauses and then exits.)
[Scene: The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and Chandler are standing in line behind another couple kissing who are next in line to be served.]
Ticket Agent: Next?
(The kissing couple doesn抰 move.)
Monica: They抮e kissing let抯 just go around them.
Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, they抮e in love.
Monica: I抦 in love too! But in an orderly fashion.
Ticket Agent: Next?
Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? 慍ause she said, "Next."
(The couple moves up to the counter.)
Woman: Sorry. We didn抰 hear you; we抮e on our honeymoon.
Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do. (Checks the computer) There are some first class seats available.
Monica: (To Chandler) Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to first class because they are on their honeymoon! Come on! Let抯 act like we抮e on our honeymoon.
Chandler: We are on our honeymoon.
Monica: Grab my ass!
Ticket Agent: Next?
(They go up to the counter.)
Monica: Hi, sorry. I almost didn抰 hear you, because y択now I抦 just so in love with my new husband. We抮e on our honeymoon.
Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing you抣l be in 25J and Mrs. Bing you抣l be in 25K.
Monica: Oh no, you see we抮e on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class?
Ticket Agent: I抦 sorry, all our first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two.
Monica: You see, if we抎 gone around them like I said, we桽he would抳e given us those tickets. Damnit!
Chandler: 25J and K, any chance those aren抰 together?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Joey are playing Rock 慹m, Sock 慹m Robots.]
Joey: I still can抰 believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours.
Phoebe: Of course I do! And I抦 gonna give it back to you as soon as they抮e done with it at the key shining place.
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
Joey: What the hell is that?
(They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New York抯 bravest breakdown Monica and Chandler抯 door with an ax.]
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what are you doing?
Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here.
Phoebe: Well why don抰 you use your key?
Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a thousand keys on it), the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. (To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up.
(With a final swing the door gives way.)
Phoebe: Oh! We could have done that.
[Scene: The Airport, Chandler and Monica are following the previous couple through a tiny hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage and not an actual airport, and see them enter the first class lounge.]
Monica: Look at that! Look at that! They抮e going into the first class lounge! Do you know what they have in there?
Chandler: No.
Monica: Me neither! We have to get in! (She runs through the door with Chandler in tow.)
Chandler: Just act like you belong.
Monica: Oh my God! Oranges!
Chandler: Shh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They tries to walk past him.)
Airline Employee: Uh sir, may I see your tickets please?
Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)
Airline Employee: I抦 sorry, would you move your thumb? I can抰 see the seat number.
Chandler: Oh that抯 all right, I have it memorized. It抯 1A.
Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I抦 sorry.
Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse us. (They try to enter again.)
Airline Employee: Sir! I抦 afraid I抦 gonna have to ask you to leave.
Monica: Fine. (Starts to walk away then she runs over and grabs an orange before she exits.) Go! Go! Go!
[Scene: The Hallway Outside Ross抯 Apartment, Ross is walking towards his apartment and sees Rachel sitting in front of the door.]
Rachel: (seeing him) Hi!
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi. (He helps her up.) Umm, I think there抯 something that we really need to talk about.
Ross: (quietly confident) I think we do. Why don抰 we go inside? (They go inside.) Look uh, I know why you抮e here.
Rachel: You do?
Ross: Yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should talk first.
Rachel: (warily) Okay.
Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That抯 been one heck of a see-saw hasn抰 it?
Rachel: (confused) What?
Ross: I mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and卆nd certainly passionate, but don抰 you think it抯 better if we just stayed friends?
Rachel: Seriously. What?!
Ross: Okay. Okay. Y択now what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean I抎-I抎 be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now.
Rachel: Okay, y択now what? Can I, can I talk now?
Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.)
Rachel: (touches his knee) I抦 pregnant. (Ross stops.) Ross? (Ross is staring off into space.) Ross? (Ross is still frozen) Okay, whenever you抮e ready. (Sits back and opens her magazine.) And you抮e the father by the way梑ut you got that?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: (closes her magazine) Can I get you some water?
Ross: I抦 good. I抦 good.
Rachel: Ross, there is no pressure on you. Okay? I mean you can as involved as you want. (Ross nods.)
Ross: Yeah, I need uh?I抦 just桰 don抰 know桰 don抰 understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
Rachel: I know. I know, but y択now condoms only work like 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!
Rachel: They do!
Ross: No they don抰!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
Rachel: Okay Ross come on let抯 just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Oh well I may as well have!
Rachel: Listen, y択now what? I was really freaked out too when I found out?
Ross: Freaked out? Hey no, I抦 not freaked out! I抦 indignant! As a consumer!
Rachel: Y択now what? Let抯, let抯 talk later.
Ross: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? I桰n fact, (picks up the phone) I am going to talk to the president of the condom company!
Rachel: Okay, y択now maybe I should come back?(Starts to leave.)
Ross: (grabs her) Shh! Shh! Shh!
Rachel: (stops) Okay.
Ross: (on phone) Yeah I抣l press 1! (Presses one which allows Rachel to escape.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mr. Treeger has finished inspecting Monica and Chandler抯 apartment.]
Mr. Treeger: I抳e looked everywhere. There抯 no gas leak.
Joey: (eating) Huh. So then I can heat this up? (Goes and does so.)
Mr. Treeger: Anyway uh, I抣l get moving on that new door.
Phoebe: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this? 慍ause y択now umm, they don抰-they don抰 have any kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them.
Mr. Treeger: Well I抦 gonna have to put on a new lock, they抣l find out anyway.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Mr. Treeger: (measures the top of the doorframe) Whoa! This looks like an all day job, I抣l have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks up.) Hey Ross!
Ross: Hi.
Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't make it to yoga class today?
Ross: Sure.
Mr. Treeger: Namaste. (Bows.)
Ross: Namaste. (Bows.)
(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)
Ross: Oh my God! What happened to the door?!
Joey: So it抯 noticeable huh?
Ross: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her.
Phoebe: Didn抰 you two already talk?
Ross: Yeah but uh?Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there抯 something else. (Pause) Rachel抯 pregnant.
Joey: (simultaneously) Oh my God!!! I can抰 believe that!!
Phoebe: (simultaneously) Holy mother of God!!!
Ross: With my child.
Phoebe: That is brand new information!!
Ross: You already know don抰 you?
Phoebe: A little bit.
Joey: How are you doing?
Ross: Okay. Okay. I mean I抣l be okay. It抯 just I don抰 think I handled it very well.
Joey: Well, what did you say to her?
Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone.
Phoebe: Oh Ross.
Ross: But hey, in my defense I-I just found out condoms are like only 97% effective.
Joey: (shocked) What?
Ross: I gotta go find her.
Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don抰 even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
Ross: Evidently they do.
Joey: What?! (Grabs his condoms from his pocket and looks.)
[Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in, but are behind the couple from before again.]
Monica: I can抰 believe we抮e here.
Chandler: Oh you抳e got to be kidding me.
Monica: What? (Monica sees the first couple and gasps.)
Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite.
Monica: No!! You have been screwing us all day!
Man: Who are you?
Chandler: We抮e you just ten seconds later!
Monica: Yeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge! I mean we should get free stuff too! I mean you抮e not the only ones on your honeymoon!
Woman: Well you can have the suite if you want. We don抰 care about where we stay. We抮e here to celebrate our love together. We don抰 have to get free stuff. We just want to be together.
Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is watching him.]
Joey: Hey Monica it抯 Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas comin?from your apartment.
Monica: What? Are you serious?! (To Chandler) Joey smells gas!
Chandler: What else is new?
Joey: Yeah and we抎 go check it out, but you took away our keys.
Monica: Well do something! Get in there!
Joey: How? I guess I could break down your door.
Monica: Yeah! Do that!
Joey: And-and you won抰 blame us for any damage? (Gives Phoebe a thumbs up.)
Monica: No! (Pause) Are you doing it?! I don抰 hear anything! Come on!
Joey: Uh, okay I抣l-I抣l-I抣l break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh hey hi, he抯 doing it. He抯 breaking down the door. (The chair breaks in half.) Okay, we抮e in. (She hangs up the phone.)
[Scene: A doctor抯 office, Rachel is on an examining table with her legs in the stirrups.]
Nurse: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable?
Rachel: (sighs) If I said I was, would you judge me?
Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram.
Rachel: Okay. (The nurse exits.) Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn?
(There抯 a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: (shocked) Hi!
Ross: Uh we-we need to talk.
Rachel: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because I抳e kinda got an el fresco situation going on over here.
Ross: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today.
Rachel: Okay Ross that抯 fine, but can you please stand near my head?
Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) I抦 sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I (Wanders towards Rachel抯 feet) really桰 should have been thinking about you Rach?
Rachel: Okay. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head Ross!
Ross: Right! Right! I just桰 want you to know that I抦 going to be there through this whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctor抯 appointments, the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment桝lthough we could probably worry about that 憈il after we get married.
Rachel: What married?
Ross: Well yeah, I think we should get married.
Rachel: What, because that抯 your answer to everything?
Ross: No, because that抯 the right thing to do.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you抮e in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we?
Ross: No but卋ut still you can抰 possibly do this alone.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Ross: Come on Rach, you can抰 even eat alone in a restaurant.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: I抦 just saying if you can抰 eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?
Rachel: I can too eat by myself!
Ross: When have you ever?
Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!
Ross: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup!
Rachel: Oh please, you inhale your food!
Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didn抰 eat fast you didn抰 eat!!
Dr. Long: (entering) Am I interrupting?
Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father.
Ross: But not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone.
Dr. Long: Huh. Nice to meet you. I抣l get started on this.
Ross: (To Rachel, standing by her feet) I don抰 know why you can抰 admit that you need me.
Rachel: I do need you! I need you to stand near my head!
Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. (We see Ross and Rachel looking at the screen.) Here is your uterus. And right here is your baby.
Ross: Oh my God.
Rachel: Wow. There it is, I see it.
Dr. Long: Congratulations. I抣l give you two a minute.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Thank you.
(Dr. Long exits and Rachel starts to cry.)
Ross: Pretty amazing huh?
Rachel: I don抰 see it!
Ross: What? What?!
Rachel: I can抰 see it!
Ross: You-you just said that you did!
Rachel: I know, I lied! I didn抰 want her to think I was a terrible mother! I can抰 even see my own baby!
Ross: Oh sure, come here! (Sits her up) Sure you can! Uh, look come here look, (rolls the machine closer) it抯-it抯-it抯, it抯 right there (Points).
Rachel: Oh. Oh, it抯 beautiful. I see it now.
Ross: Do you really?
Rachel: No, I don抰 see it!
Ross: Come on! Come on! Here, okay-okay, you see this? (Points) This tiny thing that looks like a peanut?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Sweetie that抯 it.
Rachel: That抯 it? Well I saw that! Ohh-ohh-oh, thank you.
Ross: You抮e welcome.
Rachel: Wow! I can抰 believe that抯 our baby.
Ross: Yeah, that抯 our baby.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are there as Rachel and Ross return from the doctor抯 appointment.]
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor?
Rachel: Oh, everything went great.
Phoebe: Good.
Ross: Oh hey, show them the picture of your uterus.
(She does so.)
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: I don抰 see the baby. Where is it?
Rachel: Oh no, I know I couldn抰 see it either at first, but it抯 right umm?(Starts to cry) Ross, I lost it again.
Ross: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her.
End
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|