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The One With The Stain
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Written by: R. Lee Fleming, Jr.
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
Dutch Phrases by: Kenny Walgraef
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[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is sitting in the living room as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
(Monica notices something.)
Monica: Oh my God! You cleaned! (Gasps) Look at these floors! You did the windows! Oh, I have been begging you for months and you did! You cleaned! And nagging works!
Chandler: Y択now uh, I didn抰 actually do this.
Monica: Oh no, was I cleaning in my sleep again?
Chandler: No, it wasn抰 you.
Monica: Well then who?
Chandler: I got a maid. Yay!
Monica: (shocked) I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman was here cleaning then?
Chandler: Uh honey, I know you don抰 like to relinquish control?
Monica: Oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!
Chandler: Look, she抯 really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges.
Monica: Did she really say that?
Chandler: Yes, I distinctly remember 慶ause I thought it was a joke. Now just give her a chance, okay?
Monica: Fine, I can do it. (Gets anxious.) Whew.
Chandler: What抯 the matter?
Monica: Well, usually when I抦 this anxious, I clean!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as someone抯 cell phone starts to ring with one of those fancy ring tones.]
Phoebe: (looking around) Who抯 cell phone is that? It抯 just so annoying; everywhere you go.
Ross: I think it抯 coming from your bag.
Phoebe: (checks) I never get calls!! (Answers the phone) Hello?
Eric: Hi, it抯 Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursula抯 fianc閑.
Phoebe: Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, how抎 you get this number?
Eric: Oh, I have a friend who抯 a cop and he got it for me.
Phoebe: Wow! What an incredible violation梐nd wonderful surprise.
Eric: Uh listen, I just桰 thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
Phoebe: Oh you did? (To Rachel) He did it! He did it!
Rachel: Wow! What did he do?
Phoebe: Shhh! I抦 talking.
Eric: Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the sort of person who卐ats lunch.
Phoebe: Are you asking me out? 慍ause it would be kinda weird since you just broke up with my sister.
Eric: Yeah uh卭kay. I抦-I抦 sorry. Bye.
Phoebe: No! Wait! I was just saying that so you抎 think I was a good person. Fight for me.
Eric: Uhh, I won抰 take no for an answer.
Phoebe: Not great, but we can work on it at lunch. Okay, I can be at your apartment in two hours.
Eric: Great! But wh-wh桯ow do you know where I live?
Phoebe: I抳e got friends too. Okay, bye.
Eric: Bye.
(She hangs up.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! I抦 going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I can抰 make lunch. (Exits.)
Ross: So apparently I抦 available for lunch.
Rachel: I can抰. I抦 busy. I抦 apartment hunting.
Ross: You抮e moving?
Rachel: Yeah, I can抰 live with Joey once the baby comes. I don抰 want my child抯 first words to be, (in a baby抯 voice) "How you doin?"
Ross: So does-does Joey know you抮e moving?
Rachel: Well, I haven抰 discussed it with him yet, but I know he抯 gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book.
Ross: That抯 not really porn.
Rachel: Not so much.
Ross: Hey, y択now what and if you抮e looking for a place? I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died.
Rachel: Oh my God! Was she old? Does she have a view?
Ross: Well I don抰 know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. (Rachel looks at him.) With your permission.
Rachel: Yeah that would really be great.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldn抰. I mean if she just died this morning out of respect.
Ross: Yeah. No. No you抮e right.
(Pause as they both take another sip of coffee.)
Rachel: Shall we?
Ross: Yeah.
(They both exit.)
[Scene: Ross抯 Building, they are approaching the apartment of the woman who died. Ross knocks on the door and a woman answers it.]
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Yes?
Ross: Hi. I抦 Ross Geller. I live in the building.
Rachel: And I抦 Rachel, an admirer of the building.
Ross: I-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away and I抦 so sorry for your loss.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: She didn抰 pass.
Ross: What?
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: My mother抯 still alive.
Ross: Oh, thank God!
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It looked like we were gonna lose her this morning, but she抯 a tough old bird.
Rachel: Ahh.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Are you close with her?
Ross: Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in (Rachel pokes her head in and starts to look around) the laundry room. (Pushes Rachel out of the way.)
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: You speak Dutch? (In Dutch) Zeer vereerd een vriend van mijn moeder te ontmoeten. (Translation: I抦 very honored to meet a friend of my mother.)
Ross: Y択now I would it抯 just painful.
Rachel: So she抯 really not dead.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: No, she抯 hanging in there.
Rachel: Hmm. Do you think桟ould you tell me if she抯 hanging in, in a one bedroom or a two?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is observing the new maid, Brenda, clean.]
Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Where抎 you get it?
Monica: Oh well umm, I make it myself! It抯 two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is厃択now what? We just met.
Brenda: Okay. Uhh, I抦 gonna go get the clothes from the laundry room now. And, when I come back I抣l clean behind the refrigerator.
Monica: (To Chandler) I love her.
Brenda: I抣l be back in a minute.
Monica: Okay. (As Brenda exits Monica notices something.)
Chandler: See? I told you.
Monica: She stole my jeans!
Chandler: (pause) What?
Monica: I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!
Chandler: So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?
Monica: Don抰 you see? It抯 the perfect crime!
Chandler: She must抳e been planning this for years!
Monica: I will prove it to you! Okay? About a week ago I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes back I will find it and show you that stain!
Chandler: Honey, isn抰 it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair?
Monica: I guess.
Chandler: So, shouldn抰 we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go卻nooping around her crotch?
Monica: Fine. I抦 just glad I didn抰 give her my secret ingredient.
Chandler: Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?
Monica: Yeah! (Laughs.)
[Scene: Eric抯 Apartment, he抯 opening the door to reveal Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Eric: Come in, I抦 so glad you抮e here.
Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry way you are though.
Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.
Phoebe: Oh.
Eric: Just seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I just匢 got so angry just looking at her?Looks at Phoebe)協ace.
Phoebe: Yeah. (Covers her face with her hand.) Yeah.
Eric: I抦 sorry. I just厀hen I look at you I see her. When I see her I get a little bit angry.
Phoebe: Maybe this is too weird.
Eric: No wait! There抯 only a problem when I look at you. (Sits down on the couch.) Oh I got it! I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.)
Phoebe: No don抰 tear out your eyes!!
Eric: I was just, I was just gonna take out my lenses.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah try that. (He finishes and looks at her.) So, is that better?
Eric: Not really. You厃ou抮e blurry, but you still look like Ursula. You抮e Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe匢f I-if I just don抰 look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It卛t works. I抦 not, I抦 not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!
Phoebe: Look Eric, turn around. (He does so.) Look, I like you, but it shouldn抰 be this hard. Y択now? This is our first date y択now? First dates are supposed to be about excitement and electricity and 慜oh, he just touched my hand, did he mean to touch my hand??and y択now first kisses and?He kisses her)卻econd kisses. (Motions for him to kiss her again which he does and they start to make out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading some book and Gunther serves him a cup of coffee.]
Ross: Thanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de koffie, Gunter. (He translates that phrase into Dutch.)
Gunther: Jij spreekt Nederlands? Dat is te gek. Heb je familie daar? (Translation: You speak Dutch That's cool. Do you have relatives there?)
Ross: Yeah, we抮e done.
Gunther: Ezel. (Translation: Donkey)
Ross: Ezel? Ezel? Ezel? (Looks it up in his book.)
Joey: (entering) Hey Ross! Listen, do you want to go see that new Imax movie on tide pools?
Ross: Really?!
Joey: (laughs) No. But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler.
Ross: Sweet!
Joey: All right, well finish your coffee; let抯 go.
Ross: Okay I-I just have to stop by my place first.
Joey: To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, you抮e not gonna be on TV!
Ross: No-no, I-I have to see if this apartment became available.
Joey: Oh, you抮e switching apartments?
Ross: It抯 not for me, it抯 for Rachel.
Joey: But Rachel has an apartment.
Ross: Yeah, but when the baby comes she抯 gonna want to move.
Joey: She is?
Ross: Yeah, you didn抰 expect her to live there with a baby did you?
Joey: I guess I didn抰 really think about it.
Ross: (finds the word in the book) Ezel! (Reads the translation.) Hey Gunther! You抮e an ezel!
Gunther: Jij hebt seks met ezels. (Translation: You have sex with donkeys.)
Ross: Damnit!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is sweeping and Monica is sitting at the kitchen table.]
Monica: Nice jeans!
Brenda: Oh thanks! I like your top.
Monica: Oh. (Holds on to it.) (To herself) You抮e not gettin?it.
(Brenda bends down to use the dustpan and Monica leans over to look for the stain, but leans so far over she falls out of the chair.)
Brenda: What happened?!
Monica: Oh, I fell asleep.
Brenda: I was thinking about taking my lunch break.
Monica: Oh, will you do the top of the cabinets? That抣l really work up your appetite for lunch.
Brenda: All right.
(Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to get up on the counter in order to clean the top of the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and tries to see the stain. That doesn抰 work so she sticks her head between Brenda抯 legs. Suddenly Brenda changes her stance and traps Monica抯 head between her legs.)
Monica: Hello.
Brenda: What抯 going on?!
Monica: I抦 sorry. I抳e never had a maid before, is this not okay?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating pizza as Joey returns from the Knicks game.]
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: How was the game?
Joey: Oh, okay. I匢 ate way too much.
Rachel: Oh.
Joey: Ooh. (Notices the pizza, grabs a slice, and takes a bite.) So umm, I was talkin?to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place.
Rachel: Oh yeah! Hopefully across the street if certain Dutch people would just let go.
Joey: I was kinda hoping you抎 stay.
Rachel: Oh but Joey, I have to go. There抯 no room for a baby here.
Joey: No room? It抯 a baby. It抯 like this big. (Holds his hands about a foot apart.) Y択now, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.) Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, it抯 cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldn抰 even notice it. Where抯 the baby? (Mumbles that it抯 over in the corner.)
Rachel: Honey, it抯 not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there抯 a screaming baby around.
Joey: I could use a challenge! It抯 getting pretty easy.
Rachel: Honey, it抯 so sweet that you want me to stay, but I-I can抰 do that to you. I mean it would disrupt your entire life.
Joey: I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn抰 have to change.
Rachel: I know.
Joey: Y択now I blame Ross for this.
Rachel: I do too a little bit.
Joey: I抦 gonna miss you, you抮e the hottest roommate I ever had.
[Scene: Eric抯 Apartment, he and Phoebe are still making out.]
Phoebe: Ooh, oh no! I have to go! I have a massage appointment.
Eric: Oh no, stay here we抣l keep doing this. I抣l pay you.
Phoebe: No, I got in trouble for that before. I抣l see you later.
Eric: Absolutely. (They kiss and Phoebe heads for the door.) I love the way you kiss.
Phoebe: Really? That抯 the thing I抦 worse at! You抣l see. (Exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica pouts in the living room.]
Chandler: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a raise.
Chandler: How come?
Monica: Because I put my head between her legs.
Chandler: To see her pants?
Monica: They抮e my pants!
Chandler: Are you sure? Did you see the stain?
Monica: No! I was just getting into position and then everything went dark.
Chandler: God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go?
Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the way.) She抯 wearing my bra!
Chandler: Oh dear God!
Monica: My pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap!
Chandler: And yet you don抰 recognize that you抮e crazy.
Monica: Here抯 the plan! Okay? I抦 going to leave you get a look at Brenda抯 bra!
Chandler: Here抯 another plan匩o!
Monica: I would do it but she thinks I抦 attracted to her!
Chandler: Why?
Monica: Did you not hear where my head was? Come on! Come on we抮e a team! We抮e in this together!
Chandler: I fear a jury will see it the same way!
Monica: Do this for me! Come on, I catch you looking at woman抯 breasts all the time!
Chandler: You see that?
Monica: Do you see this? (Mimics him drooling over a woman抯 breasts.)
Chandler: All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it抯 not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!
Monica: Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, you抣l know it抯 mine because on the right cup, the lacey part, there抯 a very noticeable rip.
Chandler: You need new clothes.
[Scene: Mrs. Verhoeven抯 Apartment, Ross is back to inquire about the elder Verhoeven抯 health or lack there of.]
Ross: Hi. How is she?
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It抯 not looking good.
Ross: (happily) Oh. (Realizes then sadly) Oh. Well I uh, I brought her some bloemen. (Flowers in Dutch.)
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: That抯 so sweet. (Takes the flowers.) Would you like to come in and say good-bye? I抦 sure it would mean a lot to her.
Ross: Oh I don抰 know that it would.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Well, her memory is pretty much gone.
Ross: All right then. (Follows her in and checks the place out.)
[Scene: Eric抯 Apartment, he抯 resting on the bed as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Eric: Welcome back!
Phoebe: Hey! (Jumps on the bed with him.) Can we pick up where we left off?
Eric: I don抰 know, I抦 still pretty tired out from this afternoon.
Phoebe: Why?
Eric: Uh, the sex.
Phoebe: What sex?
Eric: Our sex.
Phoebe: We didn抰 have sex.
Eric: Well if I didn抰 have sex with you, I had sex with someone that looked an awful lot like?
Phoebe: (simultaneously as Eric) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Eric: (simultaneously as Phoebe) Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No!
Phoebe: You-you厃ou had sex with Ursula?!
Eric: Uh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I thought she was you and I kissed her and?
Phoebe: You didn抰 notice she was wearing different clothes?!
Eric: Well I was just so excited to see you.
Phoebe: Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Y択now what? This is too weird.
Eric: No-no it抯 not! I don抰 want to lose you! It抯-it抯 like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was you梇eah it is too weird.
Phoebe: So I guess this is it.
Eric: Yeah. (They hug.) Maybe it抯 for the best. You smell just like her.
Phoebe: Yeah, so do you.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is wiping the coffee table and Chandler is trying to look at her bra and leans over on the coffee table to get a good look.]
Brenda: (noticing him) What are you doing?
Chandler: I抦 leaning. This is where I lean.
Brenda: Okay. (Goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch.
Chandler: Brenda a bee!
Brenda: What?
Chandler: Yes! It抯 flown into your blouse and you抎 better undo your buttons lest it sting you!
Brenda: I think I know what抯 going on here.
Chandler: You do?
Brenda: Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it抯 wrong. You抮e married.
Chandler: I totally understand. (They both laugh.) Can I just see your bra?
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica is sitting on the step as Rachel returns.]
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: (looking at Rachel抯 jeans) Where did you get those jeans?!
Rachel: You gave them to me!
Monica: No I didn抰!
Rachel: All right, I took them. But I figured it would be okay because you got a big ink stain on the crotch.
Monica: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?!
Rachel: What bra?
Monica: The pink one with the flowers?!
Rachel: You mean the one that you抮e wearing? (Adjusts Monica抯 pink bra strap as Monica looks down her shirt.)
Brenda: (entering) I quit! (Storms off.)
Monica: Sounds about right.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel enters and notices that Joey has set up a space for the baby where the couch was, complete with a crib.]
Rachel: What is this?
Joey: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens here, (In front of the crib.) so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile over the crib. And uh桹h look! Here抯 a baby monitor (Holds it up), which until the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh?
Rachel: You抮e so sweet. (Notices something in the crib.) Oh my God! And you gave the baby Hugsy! (A stuffed penguin wearing a ski jacket, goggles, and hat.)
Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh? That-that-that抯 really just to show where the baby would go. Y択now why don抰 I hold on to him so that there抯 no confusion? (Takes him back, sets him on the chair, and apologizes to him.)
Rachel: But Joey the baby is going to be crying, it抯 going to be loud.
Joey: I抦 loud!
Rachel: It抯 gonna be up all night!
Joey: I抦 up all night!
Rachel: It抯 gonna poop!
Joey: Hello!
Rachel: What about all the women you want to bring home?
Joey: Look, if I抦 bringing home a woman who can抰 stand being around a baby, then maybe I don抰 want to be with that woman! Or maybe we抣l just do it in the bathroom of the club!
Rachel: Joey, are you sure?
Joey: Yeah! All right桳ook, I know sometimes it抣l be hard, okay? But, it抣l also be really卹eally great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay.
Rachel: I want me to stay too.
Joey: Ohh!
Rachel: Thank you. (They hug.) Oh Joey and look at this crib! It抯 so cute!
Joey: I know! I found it on the street.
Rachel: Are you serious桼eally?! It抯 in such good condition.
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: Wow! Whoa-whoa what抯 under the covers?
Joey: I don抰 know.
Rachel: It抯 moving.
Joey: Ew.
Rachel: It抯 still?Screams)桰t抯 got a tail! Get it out of here! Get it out of here!!
Joey: Ooh! Ah! Okay! (Quickly drags the crib outside.)
Dedicated to the Memory of Pearl Harmon
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are toasting her staying put.]
Ross: Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I don抰 care, (To Rachel) because you got the apartment. Yes!
Rachel: Ewww. Yeah. Umm. I think I抦 gonna stay here.
Joey: Isn抰 that great?
Ross: (stutters looking for words) Ezels!!
End
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