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The One With The Birthing Video
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Written by: Dana Klein Borkow
Transcribed by: Jean Liew
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[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel抯 there and Joey and Phoebe enter.]
Phoebe: Hey Rach!
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Happy Valentine抯 Day.
Rachel: Oh, you too.
Joey: Hey, uh, how抯 it going living over at Ross抯?
Rachel: It抯 good except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day. Did you know something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (gets her coffee) Oh, thank you. I抣l see you guys later. Bye.
(Joey watches her leave.)
Joey: Bye. That抯 one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
Phoebe: Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. is there anything I can do for you? You wanna look down my top?
Joey: Thanks. But maybe later.
Phoebe: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther: (to Joey) You want anything?
Joey: You wanna know what I want? I want a lot of things. I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine抯 Day! And I want her to love me back! I want just one moment of relief from the gut wrenching pain, but I know now that抯 not going to happen.
Gunther: We have ??? bagels.
Joey: Ok!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Phoebe and Ross are in the living room.]
Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross: Oh, I抦 on my way to tell her right now. She抯 been away visiting her parents all week. But she抣l be cool. I mean, she抯 been sooo supportive. And she even got the baby a tiny t-shirt that says Fossils are my friends.
Phoebe: Oh. Come on, Mona, don抰 kiss ass.
Ross: So, uh, I抦 gonna take off.
Phoebe: Shoot! Oh shoot! (pulls a tape out from the couch) Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape.
Ross: What is it?
Phoebe: It抯 a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?
Ross: Ok. (reads the label) Candy and Cookie?
Phoebe: Yeah, Candy抯 the mother, Cookie抯 the daughter. The father憇 also named Cookie. ...why am I friends with these people?
(Monica comes in from her room with something behind her back.)
Monica: Phoebe, come here. I want to show you something in the bathroom.
Phoebe: Monica, grow up!
Ross: Hey, what抳e you got behind your back?
Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe抯 opinion on.
Ross: You don抰 want my opinion?
Monica: Not really.
Ross: Come on. I抦 your older brother. Ask me.
Monica: Ok, big brother. (holds up two negligees) Which one of these would make your little sister look better so that your best friend would want to do it?
Ross: (long pause) The red one.
(He leaves.)
[Scene: Joey抯 place. He抯 eating pizza when Phoebe comes in.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: (depressed sounding) Hi.
Phoebe: Look, I know you抳e been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside the door is a real-life, furry playmate.
Joey: Oh, I抦 not sleeping with your friend again. (Phoebe brings in a dog) Hey! A dog! (plays with him) Hey, who, you gotta admit, looks a lot like Jane.
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. So, you can keep him until he cheers you up. He抣l cheer you up.
Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs. (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! ...not that kinda fun!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Chandler enters with flowers. Fallin?is playing.]
Chandler: Hey! Happy Valentine抯!
Monica: (from the room) I抣l be right out. I抦 slipping into something a little less comfortable and a little more slutty.
(Chandler gets the birthing video off the kitchen table, where Ross left if when he was putting on his coat.)
Chandler: Candy and Cookie? Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn? Girl on girl porn?! She really must love me!!!
(He jumps over the chair to pop it in the vcr.)
Candy: Ah...ah...
Man: Now, just relax.
Chandler: Thank you, Saint Valentine. (Candy is screaming) Whoa, whoa, that抯 not pretty.
Man: Now, push!!
Candy: Oh!! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh ow!!! (etc)
(Chandler throws up his arms.)
Chandler: Worse porn ever!!!!!!
Candy: Make it stop!!!!
(Chandler frantically pushes the Stop button.)
Chandler: I am trying!!!
[Scene: Joey抯 place. He抯 playing fetch with the dog.]
Joey: Get the ball, all right? Get the ball. (he pretends to throw it and the dog runs into his room) Ah, you抮e cute, but you抮e not too smart. (the dog comes out with a ball) Thank you. Did I just throw this?
(Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hi.
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (puts Joey抯 clothes on the counter) Who is this?
(She kneels down to play with the dog.)
Joey: Uh, that抯 Phoebe抯 friend抯 dog. I don抰 know what his real name. I just call him Mozzarella.
Rachel: (baby voice) Aw, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I抳e got to go to work. I have got to stop talking like this before my first marketing meeting. Yes I do. (gets up) (to Joey, in baby voice) Bye bye Joey. I seriously can抰 stop it.
(She leaves.)
Joey: Come here! Hey! Hey. That抯 Rachel. She抯 the one who used to live here. to be honest, I love her. I can抰 have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You抮e a guy. (makes Mozzarella stand on his hind legs) Well, you used to be.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Chandler is still traumatized by the video. Monica comes out in the red negligee.]
Monica: So, what do you think? (Chandler just stares at her) I抳e still got it.
Chandler: Why did you get me this?
Monica: What is it?
Chandler: It抯 yelling, bleeding and dilating!! Oh, the dilating!
(Monica picks it up.)
Monica: Is the video of the baby being born? This is Phoebe抯. Wow, why were you even watching it?
Chandler: I thought that you had gotten me porn for Valentine抯 Day.
Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was gonna get you porn for Valentine抯 Day... (holds out a video) You were right. Apparently it, it抯 about a young girl who moves to the big city in search of stardom and ends up having sex with a lot of guys. Y択now, it got four stars! Oh wait a minute, those aren抰 stars. Hey, you want to take a look?
Chandler: Well, I抦 not really in a sexy mood right now.
(Monica sits beside him.)
Monica: What抯 going on?
Chandler: Well, remember the first time you saw Jaws? How long it took you to get into the water?
Monica: Chandler, we can抰 let this tape wreck Valentine抯 Day.
Chandler: Oh no, you didn抰 see it.
Monica: Chandler, it抯 a beautiful thing. It抯 beautiful.
Chandler: Beautiful? Really? Oh, you think this is beautiful?!
(He turns it on.)
Candy: Ow!!! Oh!!!
Chandler: See, honey, that抯 -
Monica: Don抰 touch me!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is there and Mona enters with a bag.]
Mona: Hi.
Ross: Hey!
Mona: Hi...
(They kiss.)
Ross: Hey, how was Atlantic City?
Mona: Good. I brought you back a present.
Ross: Aw, oh my... (takes out a box) Saltwater taffy!!! Thanks! (he kisses her) Y択now, it抯 interesting. Most people think this is made with sea water. It抯 actually made with, uh, salted freshwater. That抯 not interesting.
Mona: I think it抯 interesting.
Ross: I do too! I missed you!
(They kiss.)
Mona: Me too! So, how was your week?
Ross: Well, actually, the baby started kicking.
Mona: How exciting!
Ross: Oh, oh, it was amazing. The sad thing was, I couldn抰 be there the first time.
Mona: Oh no.
Ross: Yeah, I know. And, uh, I missed all this other stuff too, so Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.
Mona: Yeah right.
Ross: What?
Mona: Joey cracks me up! Yeah! Why don抰 you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn抰 be awkward at all!
Ross: Huh.
Mona: Hey, can you imagine? I go away for a few days, I come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! So, what抎 you tell him?
(Ross makes noises indicating that his mouth is full.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel was living with you?
Ross: I don抰 know. She seemed to think that it was such a crazy idea. Oh, plus, she got me, she got me taffy.
Phoebe: Taffy? Really? I抳e never had it.
Ross: Ever?
Phoebe: Well, my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats. (Ross offers her some) Thank you. So, what are you just never going to tell her?
Ross: Well, I will. I just wanna butter her up first. I抦 going to take her to a Valentine抯 Day dinner and do all this romantic stuff. Then, when she thinks I抦 the best boyfriend ever, I抦 going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: If I haven抰 said it before, she抯 a lucky, lucky lady. So, where are you going to - What the mother of crap is up with this stuff/!! God, is it gum, is it food, what抯 the deal?!! (chews some more) Oh, it抯 nice. May I try a pink one?
(She takes one.)
[Scene: Joey抯 place. He抯 sitting on Francette and Mozzarella is on the footrest.]
Joey: So, between me and her being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn抰 going to happen. It抎 be like you falling in love with a cat.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How抯 my favorite dog, huh? How抯 my favorite dog? (Mozzarella doesn抰 move) You抮e subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: (to Mozzarella) Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.
Joey: Yeah, sure. (realizes) Oh, me right.
(He gets up and they go into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: He抯 miserable! What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing! I just...talked about stuff.
Phoebe: What kind?
Joey: Rachel kind of stuff.
Phoebe: Aw, Joey, you bummed him out! this is the happiest dog in the world and he spends half a day with you - look at him!
(Mozzarella is still laying on the footrest.)
Joey: He抯 breathing.
Phoebe: Ok, I gotta take him back to Wendy.
Joey: No! He抯 fine, see. Look, look, look. Here抯 your ball! (throws it) Get your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! Get - oh, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog!! I broke the dog!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel抯. Rachel is reading in the living room. Ross comes out of his room, ready for the Valentine抯 Day dinner.]
Ross: Well, I抦 going to go pick up Mona. what are you up to tonight?
Rachel: Oh, I got big Valentine抯 plans. I抳e got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy.
Ross: You know, what抯 interesting is most people thing that抯 made with saltwater when it抯 actually -
Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary. (There抯 a knock) Ooh, my Chinese food. Let me get my cash.
(She goes into her room. Ross opens the door...)
Ross: Mona! Mona, what did you - hi!
Mona: Hi.
Ross: I was supposed to pick you up.
Mona: I made you a special Valentine抯 dinner. Surprise.
Ross: Aaaahhh-yay!!!
(She enters.)
Rachel: Oh hi, Mona!
Mona: Hi. Hi, Rachel. What抯 she doing here?
Ross: I have no idea.
Rachel: I抣l be watching tv if anyone needs me.
(She goes to her room.)
Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?
Ross: Uh, lately, she just likes hanging out here.
Mona: Why?
Ross: I think she抯 lonely.
Mona: Ok, but it抯 Valentine抯 Day. Can抰 you just ask her to go?
Ross: Oh, no, no. She抯 way too emotional. And by emotional, I mean
(He motions that Rachel抯 crazy. The doorbell rings and Rachel gets the door.)
Rachel: I抦 not here. That抯 just my Chinese food.
Mona: She has food delivered her?
Ross: Uh, yes. She, she抯 emotional, but, but ???.
Rachel: Y択now what I抦 going to do? I抦 going to get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
(She leaves.)
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way. Ok, why don抰 you sit down and open the champagne? I抳e got a surprise for you!
Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?
(Ross laughs.)
Ross: Please start drinking.
(He goes into his room to get the surprise. Rachel comes out to take the phone.)
Rachel: I抦 just going to grab the phone...
Mona: Rachel, I hope you, you don抰 take this too seriously, but um, what are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, I抦 sorry. Do you need the phone?
Mona: Ok, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this, this is his apartment and we gotta have some boundaries. So why don抰 you just go back to your place and, and give us some privacy?
Rachel: But Mona, I, I live here.
(Ross comes out with the present.)
Ross: Happy Valentine抯 Day!! Or, something to remember me by.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. They抮e just sitting there.]
Monica: How long has it been this time?
(Chandler checks his watch.)
Chandler: Ninety seconds.
Monica: That抯 better. Ninety seconds is a long time not to think about it. Except all I did was think about it.
Chandler: Y択now, it haunts me. Up til now, the worst thing I抳e ever saw was my father doing tequila shots off the houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver.
Monica: We have to get past this. Why don抰 we get rid of the tape and pretend like it never existed?
Chandler: I can do that.
Monica: Ok.
(Chandler puts the tape under the chair cushion.)
Chandler: Ok. All we抳e got to do is get rid of this chair.
(They try to kiss but move away. They try again but they抮e interrupted by knocking.)
Monica: Oh thank God!! Come in!
(Rachel does.)
Rachel: Hi. I抦 sorry to barge in on your Valentine抯, but I had to get away from all the yelling! Mona is dumping Ross.
Monica: Oh my God.
Chandler: Poor Ross. (They rush to the window) Oh God. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this, he closes his drapes.
Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape that you wanted to see?
Rachel: Umm hmm.
Monica: It抯 here.
Chandler: Let me warn you before you watch it. Don抰 watch it.
Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?!
Chandler: It抯 ironic how footage of something being born can make you kill yourself.
Rachel: Wait, no, wait. Now I抦 all freaked out. Come on. You guys will watch it with me.
Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you.
Rachel: Come on, seriously you guys. You抮e not going to let me watch this alone.
(Chandler and Monica look at each other.)
Monica: She抯 right. Off course not. Go get the tape.
(Chandler sticks his hand under the cushion.)
Chandler: This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (puts it in the vcr) Ok, here we go.
(They sit down.)
Rachel: Ok. Ooh, ???. (Candy screams and so does Rachel) Oh, why is that baby torturing that woman?!!
Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?!
Monica: It抯 still beautiful.
Rachel: Ohh, it抯 horrible!!
Monica: I know!! I抦 so sorry for you!!
Rachel: Oh my God!!
Chandler: You guys, look.
Rachel: What, what, did her ass explode?
Chandler: No, the baby抯 out. Look, look.
Monica: Oh, look at those fingers and toes.
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now.
Monica: Oh Rach...
Rachel: Oh screw you guys. You don抰 have to do it.
(She leaves.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Joey are there.]
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: What抯 up?
Ross: Uh, Mona just dumped me.
Joey: Oh, I抦 sorry.
Ross: Ok.
Joey: Why?
Ross: Well, with everything that抯 been going on lately, I haven抰 exactly been the perfect boyfriend. I didn抰 tell her that I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment and then I got my locks changed. And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner.
Joey: Still, that really sucks, man. On Valentine抯 Day...
Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. What, what are you going here? (Joey shrugs) Joey Tribbiani without a date on Valentine抯 Day. What抯 going on? Girl trouble?
Joey: Sort of.
Ross: Really?
Joey: You don抰 have to seem so happy about it.
Ross: Sorry. Hey, maybe I can help.
Joey: I don抰 know that -
Ross: Hey, hey, hey, hey, whatever it is, I抦 sure it has happened to me. Y, y択now, once, once I got dumped during sex. (the women behind him stare and they go behind the couch) So, uh, what is it?
Joey: Forget about it. No big deal.
Ross: Joey, what is it?
Joey: It抯 nothing.
Ross: Hey, hey, it抯 me. Why can抰 you tell me?
Joey: Oh, ok. Sit down. (they sit at a table) There抯 this woman that I like. A lot. but, uh, it can抰 happen.
Ross: She抯 not a Tribbiani?
Joey: No!!!
Ross: So, uh, uh, is she someone from work? (Joey nods) Well, uh, does she like you?
Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn抰 matter because I can抰 do anything about it.
Ross: Why not?
Joey: It抯 complicated. Uh, she was with this other guy fro a long time. Someone from work too. And, uh, I could never do that to the guy. We抮e really good friends.
Ross: So, uh, this, this guy that she used to go out with. Is she still in love with her?
Joey: I don抰 think so.
Ross: Ok, um, is he a good guy?
Joey: Yeah, he抯 the best.
Ross: Then talk to him. He might be fine with it.
Joey: Oh, uh, I dunno...
Ross: But Joey come on. It抯 worth finding out. I mean, if you like her.
Joey: So much. I can抰 stop thinking about her.
Ross: Y択now what, Joey, you have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? I mean, you owe it to yourself.
Gunther: Here抯 your warm milk.
Ross: I抦, I抦 gonna, uh, I抦 gonna put the bourbon in it at home. Anyways, seriously, just, just talk to the guy. Ok? And let me know how it goes.
(He抯 about to leave.)
Joey: It抯 Rachel.
(Ross stops in the doorway.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Ross and Rachel抯. Rachel抯 got the video.]
Rachel: (in her head) You抮e going to have a baby and you need to be prepared. You抮e going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it.
(She pops it in.)
Woman: I came to the big city to become a star. I抣l do anything to make that happen.
Man: Anything?
(Porn music starts.)
Rachel: Hmm... Maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant.
End
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