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The One With the Baby Shower
Written By: Sherry Bilsing
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[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Monica and Phoebe are arranging food in the kitchen. Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi.
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. So, what抯 the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe: About twenty. A couple of people from work had something else to do.
Monica: Also, both your sister called and neither could make it.
Rachel: What? You mean, they抮e not coming to a social event where there抯 no man and no booze? It抯 shocking! I don抰 care. As long as my mom抯 here.
Monica: Oh my God, your mother.
Rachel: What, my mom抯 not going to be here?
Monica: Given that we forgot to invite her, it抎 be an awful big coincidence if she was.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Monica: Well, it wasn抰 my fault. Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.
Phoebe: Well, I don抰, I don抰 have a mother, so often I forget taht -
Monica: Oh, give it a rest!
Rachel: So, my mother is not coming to my baby shower?
Phoebe: No. Neither is mine.
Monica: You know what, don抰 worry. We抣l take care of it. We抣l call her. (ushers Rachel out) You just go home and get ready.
Rachel: Please make sure she comes. It抯 real important to me. I mean, it抯 my mom.
Phoebe: What抯 her number?
Rachel: I don抰 know!
Monica: Go! I have my book. Go! (Rachel leaves. Monica dials) Wait a minute, if you were in charge of the invitations, why am I the one who had to call? Hello, Mrs. Green. Hi, it抯 Monica Geller.
(Cut to Sandra Green.)
Sandra: Hello, Monica.
(Cut to Monica.)
Monica: I know this is last minute, but we抳e decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
(Cut to Sandra.)
Sandra: I know. My daughters told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
(Cut to Monica.)
Monica: Ok, I抦 sorry, I抦 so sorry.
(Cut to Sandra.)
Sandra: For what, dear? For not inviting me, or for lying about it?
(Cut to Monica.)
Monica: Oh my God, my ass is sweating. Please, please, can you come? It抯 at four.
(Cut to Sandra.)
Sandra: Well, all right. I抣l see you at four.
(Cut to Monica.)
Monica: Thank you.
(She hangs up.)
Phoebe: Isn抰 it at three?
Monica: Son of a bitch!
(She picks up the phone.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey抯 place. He抯 reading a script. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats.]
Chandler: Hey, Joey, wanna shoot some hoops?
(He throws him the basketball.)
Joey: Uh, I can抰 go, I抦 practicing. I got an audition to be the host of a new gameshow.
Ross / Chandler: Cool. / Yeah!
Joey: Yeah, yeah, it抯 great. By day, I抣l be Drake Remoray and by night, I抣l be (gameshow host voice) Joey Triiiiibiani!
Chandler: You抣l be perfect for this. That抯 already your name.
Joey: But the audition抯 in a couple of hours and I don抰 even understand the game!
Ross: You want some help?
Joey: Aw, really? That抎 be great! You guys can be the contestants.
Ross: Awesome!
Chandler: Ok, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.
(They sit on stools.)
Joey: (gameshow host voice) All right, let抯 play Bamboozled!
Chandler: Bamboozled?
Joey: Isn抰 that a cool name?
Ross / Chandler: Yeah! / No.
Joey: Uh, ok. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don抰 you tell us a little bit about yourself, Ross?
Ross: Oh, uh, I, uh, I抦 a paleontologist. I live in New York. I have a son, uh, hi, Ben! And uh -
Joey: I said a little bit, Ross! How about you, Chandler?
Chandler: Well, Joey, I抦 a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue[?] third world nations. Hi, Rasputin!
Joey: Excellent. Let抯 play Bamboozled. You抣l go first. What is the capital of Colombia?
Chandler: Bogota.
Joey: It抯 揵ah-GO-tah? but close enough. Now you can either pass your turn to Ross, or pick a Wicked Wango card.
Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do?
Joey: I should know that. (searches through the book) Let抯 see... just one moment please. Um, here, we go. A Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.
Chandler: Higher or lower than what?
Joey: This is embarrassing!
(He searches for it.)
Chandler: Can you believe how lame this is?
Ross: I抦 sorry. I believe that the contestants aren抰 allowed to talk to each other.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. The party is underway. Phoebe and Monica are in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five.
Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower? That is totally inappropriate.
Phoebe: He抣l be dressed as a baby. (Sandra enters) Oh, hi, Mrs. Green.
Sandra: Hi.
Phoebe: I抦 so glad you could make it.
Monica: Yes, and once again, we couldn抰 feel worse about it.
Sandra: Nice try. There抯 my little girl.
(She goes over to Rachel.)
Monica: She抯 still mad.
Phoebe: Yeah. I know. Isn抰 it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.
Monica: Sandra抯 mad at you too. It, it doesn抰 bother you?
Phoebe: I抳e already apologized twice. I can抰 do more than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you, but you, you know, just have to be ok with it.
Monica: Ok. I can do that. I gotta go powder my ass.
Phoebe: Oh.
(Monica retreats to the bathroom.)
(Pan to Rachel and Sandra.)
Sandra: Look at that face. Just like whenever you were in high school. If I didn抰 know better, I抎 say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come, let抯 get some tea. (she helps Rachel up) Whew, my, look at that. Only three weeks to go. Now, have you picked your nanny yet? I don抰 want you to just use your housekeeper. That抣l split her focus.
Rachel: Well, actually, I wasn抰 going to use a nanny and I don抰 even have a housekeeper.
Sandra: It抯 like you抮e a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don抰 know how overwhelming this is going to be. Why, I had full time help when you were a baby. I had Mrs. Kay [?].
Rachel: Mrs. Kay, oh my, she was sweet! She taught me Spanish. Actually, I think I remember some of it. 揟u madre es loca.?[Your mother is crazy.]
Sandra: Such a sweet woman.
Rachel: Yeah. Well, however great she was, I just can抰 afford that.
Sandra: Oh Rachel! I just had the greatest idea. I抦 going to come live with you.
Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What?
Sandra: Ooh, I抦 so happy. I抦 going to do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.
Rachel: Yes, yes, I do.
[Scene: Joey抯. They抮e still playing.]
Joey: All right. Ross, you抮e in the lead. Would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Ross: The wheel hasn抰 been my friend tonight, Joey. Uh, I抣l take another question.
Joey: This is going to be tough. Hold your breath.
Ross: It抯 ok. I抦 ready.
Joey: Dude, you gotta hold your breath until you抮e ready to answer the question.
Chandler: This ridiculous. He抯 not going to hold his -
(Ross holds his breath.)
Joey: Ok. What do you have a fear of it you suffer from this phobia? Triska- Hold cow, that抯 a big word. Trisk -. Seriously, look at this thing, Chandler.
Chandler: Yeah, let me see that.
Joey: This one right here.
Chandler: (quickly) Triskaidekaphobia.
(Ross takes a breath.)
Ross: Fear of triskets!!
Joey: No, no. Fear of the number thirteen.
Chandler: Fear of triskets?!
Ross: It抯 possible. They have really sharp edges.
Joey: All right. Chandler, you抮e up.
Ross: Wait a minute. I believe I am entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn?
Chandler: This game makes no sense!
Ross: You know, you抮e just upset because you抮e losing.
Chandler: No, Ross, I think we抮e all losers here.
Joey: Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.
Chandler: Let me think. Oh, uh, I don抰 care.
Joey: You, you must choose, Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Either. It makes no difference.
Joey: Choose, you jackass.
Chandler: Ok, I抣l take a card.
Joey: Ok, you picked the Gimme card! You get all of Ross抯 points.
Ross: What?!
Chandler: This game is kinda fun.
Ross: You don抰 think that抯 just a little crazy that you get all my -
Chandler: I don抰 think the contestants should speak to each other.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. The baby shower. Rachel approaches Monica and Phoebe.]
Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?
Monica: What?
Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
Phoebe: For how long?
Rachel: Eight weeks. I love my mother, but oh my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.
Monica: I personally would be honored if she wants to live with me.
Phoebe: She can抰 hear you.
Rachel: But guys, come on, what am I going to do?!
Phoebe: If you don抰 want her to come live with you, just tell her.
Rachel: You抮e right! You抮e right. I抦 about to have a baby. I can tell my mother that I don抰 want her to sleep on my couch. Oh my God, she抯 going to want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen.
Monica: That抯 right. That is right. You go over there and tell her you do no want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer.
Rachel: Ok.
(She goes to reason with her mom.)
Monica: This is great. Now she抯 going to be mad at Rachel. Y択now what, I抦 just going to swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.
Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. (goes to the front of the living room) Ok, everybody, it抯 time to open the presents!
(Monica runs over.)
Monica: Yes, yes, and I think the first present that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby. Because you抮e the most important person in this room. And the world!
Sandra: Well, I don抰 have a gift because I wasn抰 invited until the very last minute, but thank you, dear, for bringing that to everybody抯 attention.
Phoebe: How about you less important people, let抯 open your presents!
(Rachel goes over to her mom.)
Rachel: Mom, it抯 ok that you didn抰 get me a gift.
Sandra: Well, I kinda did. Me. The gift that keeps on giving.
Rachel: You see, the truth is, I can do this on my own.
Sandra: Sweetheart, I know you抮e going to be a terrific mom, but I think you need a little help, especially in the beginning.
Rachel: I really know what I抦 doing. I can handle this.
Sandra: Remember Twinkles?
Rachel: He was a hamster!! I抦 not going to vacuum up my baby!!
(Phoebe puts down a bassinet full of gifts.)
Phoebe; Ok, this is from all your friends at work.
Rachel: Oh my gosh, wow. (picks up something) Ok, I know what this is! Wait a minute. (studies it) That can憈 be right. Is that a beer bong for the baby?
Sandra: Darling, that抯 a breast pump.
Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Ok, thank you for that. (puts it down and picks up a Diaper Genie) Ooh, what抯 this?
Lady: It抯 a Diaper Genie.
Rachel: Ohh. It dispenses clean diapers.
Lady: No, it抯 where you put the dirty ones.
Rachel: Well, that抯 gross. Why can抰 I just take it outside and put it in the dumpster?
Sandra: You抮e going to do that ten times a day?
Rachel: It goes ten times a day?! What are we feeding this baby, Indian food?!
Sandra: No, dear, that抯 what babies do.
Monica: Rach, listen to your mother. She is very smart.
Sandra: Well, what are you planning to do with the baby while you抮e taking out the garbage ten times a day?
Rachel: I don抰 know, leave it on the changing table? (everyone gasps) What? What抎 I do? What抎 I do?
Sandra: You can抰 leave the baby alone!
Rachel: [stuttering] ...of course, I know that! I would never leave a baby alone. I think - she wouldn抰 be safe. Not as safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Ok, you know what, opening the presents are a little overwhelming for me right now. I think I抦 going to open them all a little later. Oh, thank you for all these beautiful gifts and this basket is really beautiful.
Lady: It抯 actually a bassinet.
Rachel: Ok, Mommy, don抰 ever leave me.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey抯. The game is still on and Chandler has gotten into it.]
Joey: In what John Houston film would you hear this line? 揃adges, we don抰 need no stinking badges.?
Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre!
Joey: Correct! There抯 a possible backwards bonus.
Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure!
Joey: Yes.
Chandler: I抎 like to go up the Ladder of Chance at the Golden Mud Hut, please!
Joey: A wise choice. How many rungs?
Chandler: Six!
(Joey makes a monkey noise.)
Joey: That noise can only mean one thing.
Ross / Chandler: Golden monkey!!
Ross: I抎 like a Wicked Wango card.
Joey: It抯 an audio question. Name this television theme song.
(He hums the theme from I Dream of Jeannie.)
Ross: Oh, oh, oh my God! I know this, give me a second. [something]
Chandler: [something]
Ross: Shut up!! I Dream of Jeannie.
Joey: Right. You抮e back in the lead.
Ross: I抎 like to spin the wheel.
Joey: Rattattattattattat-tat-tat-tat-tat...tat...tat......tat
Ross / Chandler: Oh come on!!!
Joey: Super Speedy Speed Round.
Ross: Is there a Hopping Bonus?
Joey: Of course.
(Ross starts hopping.)
Joey: Who invented bifocals?
Ross: Benjamin Franklin!
Joey: Which monarch has ruled England the longest?
Ross: Queen Victoria.
Joey: Correct, but you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no Hopping Bonus.
Ross: No!!! Every time!!
Joey: Now, over to Chandler.
Chandler: I抎 like a Google card!
Joey: Are you sure?
Chandler: yes. No! Google!!
Joey: Oh my God. Congratulations, Ross. Because, Chandler, you抳e been Bamboozled.
Chandler: No!!
Ross: Yes!!
Chandler: This is the best game ever!!!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Everyone抯 left but Sandra. The presents have been opened and are everywhere.]
Rachel: You抮e going to stay with me as long as I need you?
Sandra: Of course I am!
Rachel: Mother, I抦 not an idiot. I抳e read all kinds of books on pregnancy and birth, but I抳e never read the part on what to do when the baby comes. And, and guess what, the baby抯 coming and I don抰 know what to do. could I throw up in my Diaper Genie?
Sandra: Oh, sweetie, you抮e going to be fine.
(She gets up.)
Rachel: Where are you going, where are you going?
Sandra: I抦 going to the bathroom. Now, don抰, don抰 worry. Everything抯 going to be ok.
(She hugs Rachel. Monica comes and hugs Sandra.)
Monica: I am going to be ok! Worth a shot.
(They get up. Ross enters.)
Ross: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey. Why are you all sweaty?
Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler....which is not a sexual thing. That was a quick shower.
Phoebe: Not if you were here.
Ross: Wow, it looks like we got a lot of good stuff.
Rachel: Yeah, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.
Ross: (excited) A Play Doh barber shop?
Rachel: She抯 going to live with us for eight weeks.
Ross: What?
Rachel: yes, she抯 going to help us take care of the baby.
Ross: She didn抰 - you抮e not serious? I mean, she抯 a very nice woman, but there抯 no way we can take eight weeks of her. She抣l drive us totally crazy.
Sandra: [something]
Ross: Hey roomie!!!
(They hug.)
[Scene: Joey抯 audition. He enters.]
Ray: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Hi.
(They shake hands.)
Ray: I抦 Ray. I抦 the producer of the show.
Joey: (gameshow voice) Nice to meet you, Ray.
Ray: And this is Duncan and Erin. They抮e going to help out with the audition. Get the camera rolling.
Joey: Righty-o, Ray!
Ray: Whenever you抮e ready.
Joey: Hi, I抦 Joey Tribbiani. Let抯 play Bamboozled. Erin, you get the first question. In hockey, who is known as the Great One?
Erin: Wayne Gretzky.
Joey: Correct. Would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Ray: Uh, Joey, didn抰 your agent give you the revised rules? We抳e eliminated all that. No wheels, no cards.
Joey: Why, why?
Ray: Uh, well, the game was too complicated and research shows that people didn抰 follow it.
Joey: What抯 too complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance, where you go past the Mud Huts, through the Rainbow Ring, to the Golden Monkey and yank its tail, and boom, you抮e in Paradise Park.
Ray: Yeah. All that抯 gone. it抯 just going to be a simple question answer game now.
Joey: Well, what抯 fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game? It抯 just people standing around, answering questions?
Ray: There抣l be women in bikinis holding up the scores.
Joey: (gameshow host voice) Let抯 play Bamboozled!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Ross is packing up all the gifts.]
Sandra: Ross, all those dinosaur knickknacks you have. I thought they might be more at home in the garage.
Ross: We, we don抰 have a garage.
Sandra: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.
Ross: Y択now what, Mrs. Green, maybe it isn抰 absolutely vital, letting you live with us.
Sandra: But Rachel needs help with the baby.
Rachel: I really do. I don抰 know anything.
Ross: I抦 sure that抯 not true.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Pheebs, Monica, do I know anything about babies?
Phoebe: Not a thing.
Monica: It抯 frightening.
(Rachel points to them for emphasis.)
Ross: Well, you, you know what, even if she doesn抰 know anything, I do. I have a son and his mother and I didn抰 live together, but whenever he抯 with me, I took care of him all the time, by myself.
Sandra: That抯 true. You do have another child.
Ross: Yeah.
Sandra: With another woman. Have you no control, Ross?
Ross: That抯 another issue. The point is, when the baby comes, I will be there to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that, I want to do all those things.
Sandra: Well, then you really don抰 need me to live with you.
Ross: YES!!!!! ...Yes, yes, you抮e going to be missed.
Sandra: You抮e going to be a great father.
Ross: Aw, you抮e going to be a wonderful grandma.
(They hug.)
Rachel: Hello?! I still don抰 know what the hell I抦 doing.
Ross: It抯 ok, every first time mother feels that way. You, you抮e going to pick it up. You will. Look, when you first came to the city, you were this helpless, spoiled little girl who still used her daddy抯 credit cards.
Rachel: I hope you抮e going somewhere with this.
Ross: Look at you. You抮e this big executive. You are more capable than you give yourself credit for. I have no doubt you抮e going to an incredible mother.
Rachel: You think?
Ross: I抦 telling you.
(He kisses her (on the cheek).)
Sandra: All right, I抦 going to get going. (Rachel and Ross get up) Oh no, you stay put. I抦 going to let myself out. Thank you for having me here. Which I almost wasn抰.
(Monica tries to laugh.)
Monica: You抮e so funny, you抮e so funny. (to Phoebe) What do I do?!
Phoebe: Nothing. You have apologized to her like one thousand times and she has been nothing but horrible to you. Ok, you have thrown her daughter a lovely, albeit, boring, shower. And she hasn抰 even thanked you for it.
Monica: Yeah. You抮e right.
Phoebe: Yeah. If I were to say anything to her, I抎 tell her off.
Monica: Really?
Phoebe: Uh huh.
Monica: Ok. I will. Mrs. Green, Mrs. Green. (they follow her into the hall) It is rude to leave a party without saying goodbye to the host. And also, when someone apologizes to you, the decent thing to do is to accept it. What I did to you wasn抰 on purpose, but what you抮e doing to me now is just plain spiteful.
Sandra: Spiteful?
Monica: That抯 right. Maybe it抯 time you took a good look at the mirror, young lady...old lady...lady!
Phoebe: Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up.
Monica: So, whenever you are ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (they go back in the apartment) I can抰 feel my legs!
Phoebe: That抯 fantastic! I抦 so proud of you!
Monica: I抦 proud of me too.
Phoebe: You should be.
Monica: Can, can you get me something to drink?
Phoebe: You got it!
(She goes to the kitchen. Monica runs out.)
Monica: Mrs. Green! I抦 really sorry!! I apologize!! (she goes down the stairs and trips) Ok, I bit my tongue, but I抦 still really sorry!!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Ross and Rachel抯. Rachel抯 cramming.]
Rachel: Ok, I抦 ready.
Ross: Are you sure?
Rachel: Yes. I抳e done my studying and I really know my stuff.
Ross: All right then. (gets up) (gameshow host voice) Rachel Green, let抯 play Bamboozled! How do you test the temperature of the baby抯 bath water?
Rachel: Put your elbow in it.
Ross: Excellent. How do you put a baby down for its nap?
Rachel: Clothed, dry, on its back and no loose covers.
Ross: Correct. This is an audio question. What do you do when the baby makes this sound?
(He makes a high pitched squeal.)
Rachel: Check if it抯 wet. Check if it抯 hungry. Burp it!
Ross: Excellent. Excellent. Now, would you like another question or a Wicked Wango card?
Rachel: A card, a card, I pick a card!
Ross: Oh, I抦 sorry, You抳e been Bamboozled. You will be a terrible mother. ...I抳e lost track of why we抮e doing this.
End
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