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The One With the Cooking Class
Transcribed by: Dana Klein Borko
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[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are there. Ross enters with a stack of newspapers.]
Ross: Hey, you guys, I got some bad news.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Oh, that抯 not way to sell newspapers. Why don抰 you try 揈xtra! Extra! Read all about it!?
Ross: No, Monica抯 restaurant got a horrible review in the Post.
Phoebe / Rachel: Ohhh.
Ross: Yeah, I didn抰 want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find.
Joey: Man, this is bad. And I抳e had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. 揈verything in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. But Joey Tribbiani was abysmal [extremely bad.]?
(Monica enters.)
Monica: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Oh my God, look at all the newspapers. It must be a good review. Is it great?
Ross: Umm...
(Phoebe looks uncomfortable. Monica reads one.)
Monica: Oh dear God.
Ross: But the good news is that no one in a two block radius will ever know.
Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?
Ross: Yeah, they all know.
Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible.
Chandler: I抦 so sorry.
Monica: I抦 so humiliated.
Rachel: Yeah, but you know what they say, Mon? There抯 no such thing as bad press.
Monica: And you don抰 think that, uh, 揟he chef抯 mahimahi was awful-awful?is bad press? Huh?
Rachel: ...I didn抰 write it!
Monica: Well, is he right? Am I really awful?
All: No.
Joey: Hey, hey, Monica, you listen to me, all right? And I抦 not saying it because I抦 your friend, I抦 saying it because it抯 the truth. Your food is abysmal.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross and Rachel抯. It抯 night and Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark. Ross comes out.]
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: What?!! What?
(He turns on the light.)
Rachel: I am freaking out.
Ross: Are ya?
Rachel: Yeah. My due date is in one week.
Ross: What are you doing up?
Rachel: That抯 seven days!
Ross: I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after I -
Rachel: No, no, no, Ross! Please, come on, we do not have any of the big stuff we need. We do not have a changing table, we do not have a crib, we do not have a diaper service.
Ross: It抯 funny that you should mention diapers.
Rachel: I抦 serious.
Ross: Ok, look, there抯 nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There抯 a baby furniture store at West 10th. Tomorrow we will go there and we will get you anything that you need.
Rachel: Ok, thank you. That抯 great. Wait, wait, where in West 10th, because there抯 like a really great shoe store that had -
Ross: Ok, if, uh, if you抮e gonna do this, then I抦 going to do that...
Rachel: Oh, wait, Ross, one more thing. Our situation, uh, what we mean to each other. I mean, we抮e having this baby together, we live together, isn抰 that, isn抰 that weird?
(Ross thinks about it.)
Ross: Well, uh...
Rachel: I抦 just kidding. You can pee!
(He runs into the bathroom.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. They抮e in the kitchen. Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey, Monica, I can抰 remember. Did I say we were going to meet here, or at the movie?
Monica: At the movies, but -
Joey: Ok, I抣l see you later.
(He starts to leave.)
Monica: Joey, now that you抮e here...
Joey: Sure, I can hang out until I have to go meet ya. What, uh, how come you抮e not going?
Chandler: I can抰, I have a job interview that I have to get ready for.
Joey: You already have a job.
Chandler: And people say you don抰 pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It抯 the vice president of the company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies.
Joey: Wow, how do you know how to do that?
Chandler: That抯 what I do now.
Monica: Ok, Joey, come taste this. Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? (feeds Joey a spoonful) Well, I抦 getting my revenge.
Joey: You cooked him?
Monica: No. He teaches a food criticism course at the New School, so, before we go to the movies, I抦 going to go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Uh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow. 揜estaurant Reviewer Admits, I Was Wrong About Monica.?
Chandler: The front page?
Monica: Umm hmm.
Chandler: You really do live in your own little world, don抰 you?
[Scene: The baby furniture store, Little Stars. Ross pushes a full cart up to the register.]
Katie: Do you want these things delivered, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Geller?
Ross: Uh...
Rachel: No, no, no. No...no. Uh, we抮e not married.
Ross: Uh, we抮e having a baby together, but we抮e not involved. I mean, we were, were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. One drunken night - Or, yes, stranger, we抎 like this delivered, please.
Katie: Why don抰 you fill out this address card?
Ross: Oh, ok.
(He starts filling it out.)
Katie: I noticed you purchased a lot of our dinosaur items.
(She holds out an orangey-red stuffed dinosaur.)
Rachel: Uh yeah, that抯 one of the reasons why we抮e not together.
Ross: I chose those. I抦 a paleontologist.
Katie: Really? That is so cool.
Rachel: Oh, uh, don抰 get too worked up over it. It sounds like he抯 a real doctor, but he抯 not.
Katie: Oh, no, no, I抦 fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book?
Ross: Actually, I teach it to my classes.
Rachel: Oh my God, I am standing at a cash register, I抦 holding a credit card, and I抦 bored.
Katie: Oh, lovely neighborhood. There抯 a great gym right around the corner from there.
Ross: That抯 my gym.
Katie: I can tell you work out. (Ross is flattered and Rachel is about to laugh) A paleontologist who works outs. Like Indiana Jones.
(Ross considers it.)
Ross: I am like Indiana Jones.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there. Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hi. Um, how did baby shopping go?
Rachel: It was great. Oh, and Ross almost got something that wasn抰 on the list. A whore.
Phoebe: What?!
Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff, and this saleswoman just started flirting with him. Can you believe it?
Phoebe: Well, did she know you two weren抰 married?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh my God. Well, the idea of a woman flirting with a single man, we must alert the church elders!
Rachel: No, you don抰 understand. You don抰 see how brazen she was.
Phoebe: It sounds like you抮e a little jealous.
Rachel: No, I抦 not! I, I just think it抯 wrong. I mean, here I am, about to pop, and there he is, picking up some salesgirl at Sluts 慠?Us?
Phoebe: Is that a real place Are they hiring?
(Chandler enters.)
Chandler: Hi Phoebe, Fatty.
Phoebe: Hey, Chandler, why so fancy?
Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. It抯 kind of a big deal, and I抎 get paid more to be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring..
Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does that.
Chandler: Me! I do that. No, seriously, do I, do I look ok? I抦 a little nervous.
Rachel: No, really, you look, you look great.
Phoebe: Yeah, just don抰 get your hopes up.
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: The interview...
Chandler: What about it?
Phoebe: You know, you don抰 make a very good first impression.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Oh, you don抰 know.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like 揵lah blah blah blah.?Sshh!
Chandler: What is it that I do?
Phoebe: It抯 just that you抮e trying too hard, always making jokes, you know? You come off as a little needy.
Chandler: Did you like me when we first met?
Rachel: Chandler, I抦 not gonna lie to you. But I am gonna run away from ya.
(She gets up and leaves.)
[Scene: The cooking class. Joey and Monica enter with her bouillabaisse in a container.]
Monica: Hi, I抦 Monica Geller, I抦 the chef at Allesandro抯.
Food critic: Still?
Monica: I think that the things you said about me were unfair and I would like you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.
Food critic: I don抰 see any reason why I have to do that to myself again.
Joey: Either eat it or be in it.
(Monica picks up a spoon.)
Monica: Spoon? (He tries it) So, what do you think?
Food critic: I抦 torn. Between my dignity and my desire for a beating. But I must be honest. Your soup is abysmal.
(He leaves.)
Joey: That a girl! (pats her on the back) Huh? We should get out of here, there抯 a new class coming in.
Molly: Welcome to our Introduction to Cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a [???] and a [???] sauce?
(Monica raises her hand.)
Monica: I can.
Molly: Ok, go ahead.
Monica: Um, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but [???] has shallot, [???], and most importantly, tarragon.
[T/N: I don抰 know *anything* about cooking, so I don抰 know the terms. ...Maybe I should take that class? ;-) ]
Molly: That抯 very good. What抯 your name?
Monica: Monica.
Molly: Monica, you go to the head of the class.
Monica: Ok!
(She goes to the first station.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel抯. Their place is now cluttered with baby stuff.]
Rachel: Wow, all this stuff really takes up a lot of room. Hey, how serious are you of keeping Ben in your life?
Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (Knock, knock. Ross opens the door to Katie.) Why, hey, Katie, what are you doing here?
Katie: Delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this.
(She hands him a towel.)
Ross: It must have been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store.
(He puts it down.)
Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries aren抰 really part of my job description.
Ross: Oh.
(He starts digging in his pocket for money.)
Katie: Oh, uh, I actually came out here to ask you out.
Ross: Oh, uh, sounds great. I抦 just gonna put this back in my pocket and pretend that didn抰 happen. (sticks money back in) Uh, yeah, actually, I抦 free now. You wanna grab some coffee?
Katie: Sure.
Rachel: Horny bitch. (They stare at her, so she pretends she was playing with the stuffed dinosaurs) 揘o, you抮e a horny bitch.?揘o, you抮e a horny bitch.?揧ou抮e a horny bitch.?揘o, you抮e a horny bitch.?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross and Rachel抯. A minute or so later.]
Rachel: So, you guys go and have a really good time.
Ross: Yeah, I抣l just go and grab my coat. Uh, and my whip. Y択now, because of Indiana Jones? Not, not because I抦, I抦 into S&M. I抦 not, I抦 not into anything weird. Just normal sex. So lemme grab my coat.
Rachel: So, you had a good day, huh? Big commission, picked up a daddy...
Katie: Are you ok with this?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, you guys have fun.
Katie: Ok.
Rachel: Yeah.
Katie: It was nice to see you.
Rachel: Great to see you too. And you look fantastic. Although you missed a button.
Katie: Actually, I uh -
Rachel: Ok, I see what you were doing.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Chandler and Phoebe enter.]
Chandler: I cannot even believe this. I really come off that badly?
Phoebe: Uh, it抯 ok. You calm after awhile, and then people can see how wonderful and sweet you really are.
Chandler: Oh, good, good, because I抦 sure this interview抯 going to last a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: All right, don抰 freak out, ok? I will help you. How long before you have to leave?
Chandler: An hour.
Phoebe: I can抰 help you.
Chandler: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Ok, let抯 just do our best. Ok, let抯 say that I抦 the interviewer and I抦 meeting you for the first time. Ok. Hi. Come on in. I抦, uh, Regina Filangie.
Chandler: Chandler Bing.
Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.
Chandler: Well, you should meet my uncle, Bada... I抣l let myself out.
[Scene: The cooking class. Molly stops at Joey抯 station.]
Joey: Hey.
Molly: Your fettuccini alfredo looks a little dry. Did you use enough cheese?
Joey: When you say use, do you mean as a precooking snack?
Molly: And the cream?
Joey: The cheese makes me thirsty.
Molly: Ok, let抯 move on.
Joey: All right.
(Molly goes to Monica抯 station.)
Molly: Oh, something smells good over at Monica抯 station. (tastes it) Oh my God, this is absolutely amazing. And you抳e never made this before?
Monica: Nope. I don抰 know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what it was called when, when the water makes those little bubbles.
Molly: Hats off to the chef.
Monica: I抦 sorry, your mouth was full. I didn抰 hear what you just said. Hats off to who now?
Molly: The chef.
Monica: That抯 right.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica抯. Phoebe and Chandler are having an interview.]
Chandler: I think that you抣l find if I come to work here, that I don抰 micro-manage. I don抰 shy away from delegating.
Phoebe: Umm hmm, that抯 interesting to know. But let抯 stop focusing on what you don抰 do and what you do do.
(Chandler tries not to laugh.)
Chandler: What I do do, is to manage to create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.
Phoebe: I see. Nice side step on the do-do thing, by the way.
Chandler: Hardest thing I抳e ever done in my life.
Phoebe: Oh, you gotta go.
(Chandler jumps up.)
Chandler: Oh!
Phoebe: But don抰 worry, you抮e ready.
Chandler: You sure?
Phoebe: Absolutely! Fight all your natural instincts and you抣l be great.
(They high five and Chandler leaves.)
[Scene: The class.]
Molly: Ah, Monica, my star student.
Monica: You know, you called me that before, so I, I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. (holds it up) No pressure. If you like my cookies, you give me the star.
(She hands it over to Molly, who tastes the cookie.)
Molly: Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
(She gives Monica the star.)
Monica: Wow, a star! (to classmates) I know you all hate me, but, y択now, I don抰 care!
(Molly goes to Joey抯 station.)
Molly: All right, Joey, you抮e up next.
Joey: Ok.
(She tastes his cookie.)
Molly: These are good! This is amazing. You get an A.
Joey: An A? An A in school? Hey, I抦 a dork.
Monica: Joey, I抦 so proud of you.
Molly: I think you should give him your star.
Monica: Excuse me? He doesn抰 even know what he抯 doing.
Molly: We抮e all beginners here, nobody knows what they抮e doing.
Monica: I do! I抦 a professional chef. (everyone gasps) Oh, relax, it抯 not a courtroom drama.
Molly: If you抮e a professional chef, what are you doing, taking Introduction to Cooking?
Joey: Yeah!
Monica: I抦, I抦 sorry, it抯 just that, um, I cook at this restaurant, Allesandro抯, um, I just got a really bad review.
Molly: Oh, Allesandro抯, I love that place!
Monica: You do?
Molly: You抮e an excellent chef. As a person, you抮e a little -
Monica: Totally crazy. You like the food?
Molly: Very much.
Monica: Ok then. I don抰 stink! I抦 a good chef! Ok.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don抰 want to go, I抦 having fun.
Molly: Actually, did either of you pay for this class?
Joey: Hey, if my friend says it抯 time to go, it抯 time to go.
(Monica leaves. Joey takes all his cookies before leaving...he takes the apron with him too.)
[Scene: Chandler抯 interview.]
Chandler: Also, I was the point person for my company抯 transition from the GL5 to the KL6 systems.
Mr. Tyler: You must have had your hands full.
Chandler: That I did, that I did.
Mr. Tyler: So, let抯 talk a little bit about your duties.
(Chandler hears it as 揹oodie?and tries not to laugh.)
Chandler: My duties? All right.
Mr. Tyler: Now, you抣l be heading a whole division, so you抣l have a lot of duties.
(Chandler keeps a straight face.)
Chandler: I see.
Mr. Tyler: But there抣l be about thirty people under you, so you抣l be able to dump a certain amount onto them.
(Chandler hears 揹ump?and it becomes harder...)
Chandler: Good to know.
Mr. Tyler: We could go into detail.
Chandler: No, don抰! I beg of ya!
Mr. Tyler: All right, then, we抣l have a definite answer on Monday. (they get up) Well, I think I can say with some confidence, you抣l fit in well here.
(They shake hands.)
Chandler: Really?
Mr. Tyler: Absolutely. You can relax, you did great.
Chandler: I gotta say, thank you. I was really nervous. You know, I抳e been told I come on too strongly, too many jokes. It was really hard to sidestep that 揹oodie?thing. Duties. (weird voice) Duties! (Mr. Tyler still doesn抰 get it) Poo.
Mr. Tyler: Poo?
Chandler: Oh my God, this doesn抰 count. Ok? The interview was over. That was the real Chandler Bing in there. This is just some crazy guy in the hall. (loudly) Call security! There抯 a crazy guy out in the hall!
Mr. Tyler: Poo?
Chandler: I look forward to your call.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel抯. Ross enters.]
Rachel: Hi. You抮e back from your date.
Ross: How are you?
Rachel: I抦 fine. That抯 not important. What抯 important is how was she?
Ross: Uh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.
Rachel: Oh. Uh huh, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.
Ross: What, what抯 going on? Do you not like Katie?
Rachel: No, no, she was, she was nice. I mean, she was a little slutty, but who isn抰?
Ross: I liked her.
Rachel: Of course you did, Ross. You would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones.
Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?
Rachel: No, it抯 just that, Katie bothered me.
Ross: Why, what was wrong with her?
Rachel: There was nothing wrong with her, all right? She was perfectly lovely.
Ross: So what抯 the matter?
Rachel: I don抰 want you to date her.
Ross: Wh-wh-why? What, are you jealous?
Rachel: Yes. And not because I want you to go out with me, because I don抰 want you to go out with anybody. Ok? I know it抯 terrible to think this, I know that this is totally inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beckoned call twenty-four hours a day. I抦 very sorry, but that is just the way I feel.
Ross: Ok.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: I won抰 date. I抣l, uh, be here with you. All the time.
Rachel: Really? But I抦 being so unreasonable.
Ross: True, but you抮e allowed to be unreasonable. You抮e having my baby.
Rachel: Ross, thank you. Thank you.
(They hug.)
Ross: Do you feel better?
Rachel: No, not really. You抮e pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. Oh.
(She gets up and starts dancing.)
Ross: Just one thing. We live together, you抮e having our baby...I抦 not going to see anybody else. Are you, are you sure you don抰 want something more?
Rachel: Wow. I don抰 know, maybe...
Ross: Oh, Rach, I was just messing around. Like you did last night when I had to pee?
Rachel: I know that, I was just messing with you too!
Ross: Ok, ok, because for a minute, you seemed -
Rachel: No, no, no, no, no. Just - I抦, just because, I抦 such a good messer.
(They laugh.)
Ross: Rach?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: The bathroom?
Rachel: Right.
Closing Credits
[Scene: The hallway of the New School.]
Joey: Oh, I had a great time. I learned how to bake, had great food, got my first A since seventh grade, and I didn抰 have to sleep with the teacher this time.
Monica: Hey, Acting for Beginners. Wanna feel good about yourself?
Joey: What the hell.
Monica: Ok.
(They enter.)
Teacher: All right, let抯 start with the basics. Can anyone tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?
(Joey doesn抰 know.)
Joey: Yeah, this is a stupid idea.
(They leave.)
End
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