欧美人文风情第42篇:脱口秀女王Ellen的幽默毕业演说（打印版）

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests - you know who you are, 谢谢你，Cowen校长、Cowen校长太太、尊贵的来宾们、不尊贵的来宾们(你们知道自己身分吧)、

honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. 尊敬的教职人员、和怪怪的西班牙文老师。

And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, 还有感谢你们所有2009年的毕业班。

I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, 我知道你们大多数都还在宿醉中，且头痛欲裂，自肥腻星期二庆典(基督徒斋戒期前最后一个周二)以来都还没睡觉，

but you can't graduate 'til I finish, so listen up. 但你们在我演讲结束之前都还不能毕业，所以好好听着。

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. 当我被邀请来做毕业演讲时，我马上就答应了。

Then I went to look up what commencement meant. 然后我跑去查“毕业”是什么意思...

Which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia's, and they're all written in Australian. 如果我有本字典就会简单多了，但我家里大部分的书都是Portia(Ellen的妻子，澳洲人)的，它们全都是用澳洲语写的。

So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning. 所以我必须自己拆开这个字来找出意思。

Commencement: common, and cement. Common cement. Commencement：common(常见的)、和cement(水泥)。常见的水泥。

You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. 你经常在人行道上看到水泥。人行道上有裂痕，如果你踩到裂痕，你就会摔断你妈妈的背(西洋古老迷信)。

But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement. 但我很荣幸你们邀请我来到这里在你们的常见水泥演讲。

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus - alumini - aluminum - alumis - 我原本以为你必须要是个很出名的校友...小油...铝(音似校友)...校游，

you had to graduate from this school. And I didn't go to college here, 你必须要从这间学校毕业(才能来演讲)。我没在这上大学，

and I don't know if President Cowan knows, I didn't go to any college at all. Any college. 我不晓得Cowan校长知不知道，我根本没上过大学。任何大学!

And I'm not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I"m a huge celebrity. 我不是说你们浪费了你们的时间或金钱，但看看我：我是个大咖名人。

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. 虽然我确实从“社会磨练大学”毕业，我们的吉祥物就是那些胸部，

I spent a lot of time here growing up. 我花了很多时间在这里成长。

My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. 我的母亲在Newcomb工作，我在每次需要从她钱包偷些东西时会去那儿。

But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you're too far away and I'd never get away with it. 但我今天为什么会在这里？当然不是要来偷东西，你们坐太远了，而我永远无法侥倖逃跑。

Because I can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. 因为我无法想到一群更坚韧、更有勇气的毕业班。

I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. 我是说，看看你们全都穿着你们的毕业袍。

Usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up. 通常当你在早上十点还穿着睡袍时，就表示你已经放弃了。

I'm here because I love New Orleans. 我在这是因为我爱纽奥良。

I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. 我在这土生土长，我的性格形成时期是在这度过的，就像你们，当我住在这里时，我只洗过六次衣服。

When I finished school, I was completely lost. And by school, I mean middle school, 当我从学校毕业后，我完全迷失了，而当提到学校，我指的是国中，

but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. 但我无论如何还是继续下去并完成高中学业。

And I - I really, I had no ambition, I didn't know what I wanted to do. 我真的...我没有抱负。我不知道要做什么。

I did everything from - I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, 我做过所有事，从...我撬过牡蛎、我当过接待员、我当过酒保、

I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vaccuum cleaners, I had no idea. 我当过服务生、我粉刷房子、我卖吸尘器，我一点想法都没有。

And I thought I'd just finally settle in some job, 而我以为我最后就会在某个工作安顿下来。

and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn't really have a plan, 我会赚足够的钱来支付我的房租，也许还能看基本的第四台、也许不行。我真的没有计划。

my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was, but I had no idea. 我的重点是，当我在你们这年纪的时候，我真的以为我知道我是谁，但我其实不知道。

Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. 像是，举例来说，当我在你们这年纪时，我和男生交往。

So what I'm saying is, when you're older, most of you will be gay. 所以我要说的是，当你们年纪更大一些时，你们大部分都会变同性恋。

Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents? 有任何人抄下这东西吗？爸爸妈妈？

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. 反正，我不知道我人生中想做什么事，而我最后走上现在这条路是因为一件非常悲惨的事件。

I was maybe 19, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. 我那时也许十九岁，我当时的女友在一场车祸中丧生。

And I passed the accident, and I didn't know it was her and I kept going, and I found out shortly after that, it was her. 我曾经过那场车祸，但我不知道那是她，我就继续走，而我在那不久后就发现就是她。

And I was living in a basement apartment, I had no money, I had no heat, no air, 我那时住在公寓的地下室，我没有钱，我没有暖气、没有空气、

I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas. 我地上有一张床垫，那公寓有大批跳蚤出没。

And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? 我深深自我反省。我就想：“为什么她突然就走了，然后这里还有跳蚤？”

I don't understand, there must be a purpose, 我不了解，那一定有个目的，

and wouldn't it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God, 如果我们可以拿起电话并打给上帝问这些问题，

And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, 我开始写作，从我身上涌出的文思是和上帝的虚构对话，

which was one-sided, and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, 那对话是单方面的。我写完它后，我看看它，然后我告诉我自己

and I hadn't even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. (那时我甚至还没做过单口相声，从来没有，城里没有俱乐部)。

I said, "I'm gonna do this on the Tonight Show With Johnny Carson"- at the time he was the king 我说：“我要和Johnny Carson(那时他是天王)在《今夜秀》上表演这个。”

- "and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down." “我要成为这个节目史上第一个被叫去入座受访的女人。”

And several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, 几年后，我成为那节目史上第一位入座受访的女性

and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, (且是那节目史上唯一一位女性)，

because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote. 因为我写的那些与上帝间的电话对话。

And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, 我开始单口相声这条路，而它很成功也很棒，但很艰难，

because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. 因为我试着要取悦所有人，而我有这个我一直隐瞒着的我是同性恋的秘密。

And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn't laugh at me. 我想如果人们发现了，他们就不会喜欢我，他们会取笑我。

Then my career turned into - I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, 接着我的事业演变成...我有了自己的情境喜剧，那非常成功，

another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out I'm gay, then they'll never watch, 另一种等级的成功。而我想，如果他们发现我是同性恋，那么他们就永远不会看了。

and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents - this was back, many years ago - 那是很久以前，你也许...这是当我们只有白人总统的时候，但无论如何，这是以前...许多年前的事!

and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, 然后我终于决定了我生活在这么多羞愧感、这么多的恐惧之下，

that I just couldn't live that way anymore, and I decided to come out and make it creative. 因此我就是再也无法那样子生活。我决定要出柜，而且要让它很有创意，

And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make a political statement, 我的角色会在同时出柜。而这不是要做任何政治声明，

it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, 这不是要做任何除了将我自己从这个我一直背负的沉重感中释放以外的事。

and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, "What's the worst that could happen? I can lose my career". 我就是想要诚实以对。我想：“最糟糕的事会是什么？我可能会失业。”

I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years, without even telling me, I read it in the paper. 我失业了。我失业了。在播出六年后那节目被停掉了，甚至没有告知我。我在报纸上读到的。

The phone didn't ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. 电话有三年没响过。我没有工作邀约。没有任何人想要接触我。

Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn't, because of what I did. 然而，我那时收到几乎就要自杀、但因为我所做的事而没有自杀的孩子的来信。

And I realised that I had a purpose. And it wasn't just about me and it wasn't about celebrity, 然后我明白了我有个目的。那不只是为了我、不是为了名人，

but I felt like I was being punished... it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, 但我觉得我好像被处罚了，而那是段糟糕的时期。我愤怒、难过，

and then I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it. 然后我被邀请去主持脱口秀。邀请我去主持脱口秀的人试着要推销它，

And most stations didn't want to pick it up. 而大部分的电视台并不想接手。

Most people didn't want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me. 大部分的人不想买单，因为他们觉得没人会想看我。

Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. 真的当我回顾那时光，我不会改变任何一件事。

I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, 我是说，失去一切对我来说非常重要，因为我发现最重要的事情是，

Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place. I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets. 最后，那是将我带到此地的事情。我没有生活在恐惧之下、我是自由的、我没有秘密，

and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. 我知道我永远都会好好的，因为无论如何，我知道我是谁。

So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. 所以总之，当我年轻一些的时候，我以为成功是某件不同的事。

I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. 我想当我长大后，我想要变得出名。我想要变明星。我想要演电影。

When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. 当我长大后，我想要看看世界、开好车、我想要有粉丝群(注一)。

To quote the Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was "boobies", by the way? 引用乐团小野猫的歌词，对了，有多少人觉得那听起来是“奶奶”？

It's not, it's "groupies". 那不是，那是“粉丝(groupie音近boobies)”。

But my idea of success is different today. 但我今天对成功的概念不一样了。

And as you grow, you'll realise the definition of success changes. 随着你成长，你会发现成功的定义改变了。

For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. 对你们许多人来说，在今天，成功是能够撑过20杯龙舌兰酒。

For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure. 对我来说，你的人生中最重要的事就是带着尊严过你的生活，不要屈服于同侪压力。

to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. to contribute in some way. 试着成为你不是的那种人、当一个诚实、有怜悯心的人来度过你的人生、在某些方面做出贡献。

So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself. 所以为我的结论下结论：跟随你的热情、对你自己诚实。

Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that. 永远不要跟随任何其他人的道路，除非你在森林里、你迷路了、然后你看到一条路，那你务必要沿着那走。

Don't give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don't take anyone's advice. 别给予建议。它会回来狠咬你的屁屁。不要接受任何人的建议。

So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine. 所以我要给你们的建议是对自己诚实，那一切都会好好的。

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there's no need to worry. 我知道你们很多人都担心你的的未来，但不需要担心。

The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. It's gonna be great. 经济正在繁荣发展、工作市场门户大开、地球好得很。它会很棒的。

You've already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you? 你们已经从一个飓风(卡崔娜)中存活下来了。还有什么可以发生在你们身上的？

And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. 如同我先前提到的，有些发生在你身上最悲惨的事情会教你最多东西。

And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview. 现在你知道你第一份工作面试要问的正确问题是，

Like, "Is it above sea level?" . So to conclude my conclusion that I've previously concluded, 像是，“它高于海平面吗？”所以为我先前在常见水泥演讲作结的结论来下结论，

in the common cement speech, I guess what I'm trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. 我猜我试着要说的是：人生就像一场盛大的油腻星期二盛会。

But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, 但不要秀出你的胸部，向人们展示你的头脑，

and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with. 如果他们喜欢他们所见，你就会获得更多珠子(注二)多到你不知该那来做什么好。

And you'll be drunk, most of the time. 你们会醉醺醺的，大多数时候。

So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing I said today, 所以经过卡崔娜飓风侵袭的2009年毕业班，我说：“恭喜”，如果你们不记得我今天说的任何一件事，

remember this: you're gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance. 只要记得这个：你们会好好的，噹滴都都噹。就跳舞吧(注三)。

欧美人文风情第42篇:脱口秀女王Ellen的幽默毕业演说（在线收听）