English Jokes Selections (2)
五
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave
you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an
entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned
it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.."
Again, the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.
六
Subject: The real "circle of life" - man's point of view
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.
When I was 16, I dated a girl with big tits, but
there was no passion. So I decided I needed a
passionate girl with a zest for life. In college,
I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I
decided I needed a girl with some stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she
was boring. She was totally predictable and never
got excited about anything. Life became so dull
that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another,
never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous
things and flirted with everyone she met. She made
me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with
her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.
Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.
七
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar. |