Jason: Ok. All you have to do is sit here and act nonchalant.
Maggie: Jason, where's Mike going to sit when we ream him?
Jason: Be right back. And I don't ream Maggie, I discuss.
Chrissy: Mummy, mummy, mummy. Who's in trouble?
Maggie: Chrissy what makes you think someone's in trouble?
Jason: Daddy told me how happy he was I was a clean slate.
Jason: Still no sign of his car?
Chrissy: Mike's in trouble. Wait till I tell Ben.
Maggie: Honey, Mike's car makes such a horrible sound. Can't we just listen for it inside like
normal people?
Jason: Well, last time we wanted to see him, do you remember what he did? Shut off his
engine and slid it into the driveway in neutral.
Maggie: Jason, he knows. Honey he knows we are tense and I think he's too smart to try and
duck us today.
Jason: Too smart. Yes, then why would he leave this unopened college registration form, which
as direct sunlight reveals was due today, right out where anybody could find it Maggie? In the
dresser under the socks, tucked away in the back.
Maggie: Jason, we don't have to fool around with any of this. We just have to lay down the law
and tell him what to do.
Jason: Oh, where is my list?
Maggie: List?
Jason: Yes. Questions you must answer before dropping out. I'm not having this discussion
without my list.
Maggie: Fine, go get your list. But after we go through it point by point, you know we are
going to end up doing things my way.
Jason: What was that honey?
Maggie: I was so worried you'd lost it.

Jason: No, no, not to worry. I've got it all on computer disc. You want to, uh, you want to
practice. You be Mike, I'll be me.
Maggie: Who's going to be me?
Jason: I'll be you too.
Maggie: So you get to be both of us and I only get to be Mike? I want to be Michelle Pfeiffer.
Jason: I could live with that.
Maggie: Oh.
Jason: Hey come on honey. We need a little practice maybe. Role play is good for us. Our boy
is very tricky.
Maggie: Yeah.
Jason: Hi Mike. Listen, have you really given thought to how difficult an acting career can be?
Don't you think it wise to have a marketable skill you can fall back on? Do you really want to
drift through your twenties the way you did your teens? The front door.
Maggie: What about it?
Jason: Its 8unprotected. That was close. Back to the drive way.
Maggie: Jason, you shouldn't be enjoying this so much.
Jason: I'm not Maggie. Showtime!
Maggie: What's the matter?
Jason: It's a trick
.
Maggie: Good thinking honey. Mike will probably figure out that we are waiting on kitchen
chairs in the driveway and try to use the front door.
Chrissy: What did Mike do?
Ben: Well Chrissy, its not just one thing. The way mum and dad see it, Mike's always been....
Chrissy: A constant disappointment. I hear things.
Ben: Mike, get out! Mum and...Oh it's only you.
Carol: Only me! Hu.
Chrissy: Mum and dad are looking for Mike; it could be the big one.
Carol: Well maybe watching Mike finally brought to justice would perk me up. I'll be in my
room with my library books. Call me if it's the big one, but only if it's the big one. As I may
have mentioned, my first week at Columbia University was, not only exhausting, but....
Chrissy, Ben and Carol: Much more work than I ever expected.
Ben: You mentioned it.
Chrissy: A lot.
Mike: Benjamin, Christine...
Ben: Mike, Mike, Mike....
Chrissy: The big one! The big one!
Mike: Benjamin, Christine. Listen calm down. If you're talking about the fact that our parents
are a little anxious to see me, I'm well aware of it. Alright.
Ben: Aware of it. Mike, do you know that dad found your unopened college registration form?
Mike: Yeah.
Ben: Yeah.
Chrissy: Did you know they are waiting for you at the front door?
Mike: They got tired of the kitchen chairs hu?
Ben: Well I don't get this. How come we didn't hear his car?
Chrissy: I bet he turned of the engine, slid into the driveway, in neutral.
Jason: He may try parking way down at the end of the block.
Mike: Is that his car behind the Chevy?
Jason: No, I think that...Mike.
Mike: Hey. How are you guys doing?
Maggie: Not well.
Mike: Hey listen, if you've got some time there are some things id like to discuss.
Maggie: We don't have any time to discuss anything cos we have many things to discuss.
Jason: Honey, I'll handle it.
Mike: Listen can I go first please?
Maggie: Absolutely not.
Mike: Listen, I want to talk to you about my college career. Ok. Now guys, I've been doing a
lot of thinking about this and it may sound kind of silly to you, but I even made...a list.
Jason: Well, it's just going to have to wait Mike because...a list. Well, well, well. It doesn't
sound silly at all. Proceed.
Maggie: Jason,
Jason: Relax sweetheart. We work with logic.
Mike: Now I realize that I am not a kid anymore. And although I do have my dreams, I'm
starting to see that there is a real world out there. Ok. And its time that I made a choice.
Jason: Right. That is what we....
Maggie: Shhh! We haven't heard his choice yet.
Mike: You don't mind if I refer to my list?
Jason: Mines longer.
Mike: These ar4e some questions that I have asked myself about staying in school. Ok.
Number one. Have I really thought about how tough career acting is?
Jason: Uh hu.
Mike: And number two. Shouldn't I have a marketable skill to fall back on?
Jason: That was my number four.
Mike: And number three. Do I really want to just drift through my twenties the way I did my
teens?
Jason: Drifting, bingo.
Mike: And number four, how can I truly feel like an adult unless I am on the road to self sufficiency?
Jason: Didn't have that one.
Mike: Now listen. I have forty nine more questions like this.
Jason: Forty nine! Hooo, I only had forty.
Mike: Guys, what it all comes down to is, I think I should stay in school this next year.
Maggie: Nothing doing young man.
Jason: Hold on Maggie, he just said that he's staying in school.
Maggie: And you believe him?
Jason: believe him. He's got a list and everything.
Maggie: Jason, what about the registration that he didn't fill in and was due today?
Jason: Yeah!
Mike: Well, that's cos, lets look at list number two.
Jason: Your number two and my number two?
Mike: Mine. About having a marketable skill. And mum. I want to go to school here.
Maggie: Phillip Boynton State teachers college.
Mike: Exactly. I mean you guys remember last year when I did that emergency substitute
teaching. I mean I was so good because not a single one of those kids could get a single thing
passed me.
Maggie: I remember.
Mike: Yeah. Now I know it would mean a little more time in college, but I really want to go to
Boynton, and work towards a teaching certificate.
Jason: Wow. My boy and Boynton.
Mike: Yeah, I mean dad. It would kind of be like one of those bad guys who starts working for
the law.
Maggie: It's signed in ink and everything.
Mike: Now, it would mean at least another year of me living above the garage and maybe
another year of me stealing food out of the refrigerator.
Jason: We don't mind. Just don't touch your mothers low sodium salami.
Maggie: Mike, you're serious?
Mike: Yeah mum. I am.
Maggie: But, what about your dream of being an actor?
Mike: Well I figure, if I'm any good, it can wait til after I've graduated.

(Audition)
Man: Next! Number 83
Mike: Yo. Number 83. My friends call me eighty.
Man: I'm sure they do.
Mike: Michael Seaver.
Man: Well Mr. Seaver. Would you like to tell us a little bit about your most recent acting
experience?
Mike: Uh, well just yesterday I convinced my parents I'd given up acting.
Carol: Do you have any idea how long my commute home was?
Ben: No. Don't care.
Carol: Well I'll tell you anyway.
Chrissy: Carol, Carol, Carol. You want to play with me?
Carol: Not now Chrissy. I had a really rough day at school.
Chrissy: Well you should have been at my pre-school. It took two janitors, three buckets of
sawdust, and Mrs. Orbow still slid across the floor.
Carol: I'm really tired. Later ok.
Chrissy: Mike's right. She is no fun.
Carol: One hour forty seven minutes, fifty five seconds, door to door.
Ben: Hu?
Carol: My commute. Haven't you been listening? I had to take three trains today.
Ben: Which one ran into your face?
Carol: Ben, if by some miracle you one day get into college on, say a circus scholarship, head
my warning; This is more work, harder work than I have ever done in my entire life. But do
you know what has been the toughest thing about this whole week? Nobody in this family
seems to give a darn.
Ben: Oh, are you still here?
Carol: Good old Carol will bare any cross. Any burden and everybody around here acts like it's
expected. When all Mike has to do is jump into the house and say "Great news everyone" and
everyone in this house stops what they are doing.
Mike: Great news everybody!
Maggie: What is it Mike.
Jason: Hey. Alright. Great news?
Carol: If you will all excuse me, Chrissy had an interesting vomit story.
Maggie: So, what's you news Mike?
Mike: Are you ready for this? Your eldest and your favorite, today just got an actual part on an
actual off Broadway play. A real job.
Jason: Hey!
Mike: And the pay is, get this, two hundred and fifty dollars a week.
Maggie: Alright.
Ben: You'll be rich and famous.
Maggie: This is wonderful, and you won't have to give up your dreams.
Mike: No.
Jason: Rehearsals won't conflict with class?
Mike: No. No conflict what so ever.
Jason: Hey. When do you rehearse?
Jason: Five days a week. Eight hours a day.
Maggie: So what happened to your State Teachers College?
Mike: I'm not going.
Maggie: Well what about your application and everything?
Mike: I still got it.
Jason: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Exactly what's going on Mike?
Mike: Oh, oh. Well, yeah. There's a perfectly good explanation for why I didn't follow through
with what I told you guys yesterday.
Jason: And that is?
Mike: I lied.
Ben: Wow!
Maggie: So you lied to us?
Mike: Uh hu.
Jason: So you never had any intention of going to Boynton?
Mike: You got it. I mean, wouldn't you guys have been upset if I'd have told you that
yesterday?
Jason: So this whole story is bogus?
Mike: Totally. Man, you guys should see the looks on your faces.
Jason: So you looked me right in the eyes and you lied?
Mike: No. Not once, if you may recall, did I ever look you in the eyes.
Jason: I feel...I'm so betrayed.
Mike: Betrayed! Dad, I got a part.
Jason: Raaaa!
Maggie: Jason.

Maggie: Kids, I'm going out to look for your father.
Ben: Shouldn't be too hard to find him. He's carrying a door.
Jason: Hi honey.
Maggie: Jason, I have been worried sick about you.
Jason: Why?
Maggie: Well you've been wandering around town for three hours, carrying a door.
Jason: What, I'm supposed to leave it somewhere?
Maggie: Honey, where are you going?
Jason: To apologize to Mike.
Maggie: Apologize! For what? He's the one who lied to us.
Jason: Well I shouldn't have lost my temper Maggie. If ever there was a time for reason, that
was it.
Maggie: Jason, you are not going to apologize to anyone. This is a time to get tough. This is a
time to forget reasoning. Remember, we are the parents. We are in charge. Let's just tell him
that if he doesn't go to school, all the freebies stop.
Jason: You're right. I'm going to bed.
Maggie: Good. Honey, the bedroom's this way.
Jason: We're going to get a bite to eat.
Mike: Yep.
Jason: Its dad.
Mike: Uh, what do you want?
Jason: The doors locked.
Mike: Uh hu.
Jason: Well Mike, open up.
Mike: Uh, you're not mad anymore?
Jason: No, in fact I feel real bad about it and I want to apologize.
Mike: Ok, go ahead.
Jason: I'd like to do it face to face Mike.
Jason: Mike, open this door or I'll rip it off. Look,
Mike: Dad, I've been going through the Boynton catalogue here, and you know if I pick up
some weekend courses, I can probably get my teaching degree in about twelve years.
Jason: Mike, you don't have to put on any act with me. Alright. I wanted to finish the
conversation we should have finished earlier before I lost my temper. I want to get to the
heart of this. The meat. The very matter.
Mike: You're going to hit me aren't you?
Jason: Come on. Where's that list you had yesterday? I want to go over some of your reasons
for why you should stay in school.
Mike: Uh, uh, I lost it.
Jason: Its right here. This is a Xerox of my list. Mike, you routed through your mothers
underwear drawer!
Mike: Yeah, well you've been in my sock drawer.
Jason: Well it's hardly the same thing.
Mike: Tell that to Ben.
Jason: Can we just stick to the reason I came in here.
Mike: Right. You were going to apologize.
Jason: Mike, what you did, you, you, you lied to me.
Mike: Apology accepted. Goodnight.
Jason: Mike, you don't understand something. I am not trying to make you suffer.
Mike: Well then you've got to understand something. I've got things that I want to do.
Jason: Ok. Answer me this Mike. Do you really think it's a good idea to go off and pursue your
acting bug, without a college degree? Is that practical?
Mike: No, it isn't.
Jason: Ok, we're getting somewhere.
Mike: I don't need to be practical dad. I've got talent. Ok. And besides, it is not a bug. I think
that is part of the problem we have here. When I'm interested in doing something it's a bug,
and when Carol's interested you call it an aspiration.
Jason: You keep your sisters aspirations out of it. Now I'm just trying to be reasonable Mike.
Mike: No, you're not dad. You're just trying to talk me into doing what you want me to do,
because you want me to do it. But dad, I am twenty years old. Ok. I am old enough to vote.
To die for my country, and if I so desire, to have a beer in Porto Rico.

Jason: Well I can see how serious you are about this acting thing.
Mike: Oh, first it a bug, now it's a thing. Come on dad. Why don't you just call it what it is.
Jason: Ok, Mike I know what it is. It's a sickness Mike. I mean its one job you got, for two
hundred and fifty bucks for what? A week, a month, a year, and then what? You'll come
running, you'll....You are far too emotional here.
Mike: Well how is a guy supposed to react when his dad squishes his dream like a bug?
Jason: Ha ha. So we admit it's a bug. You know it's probably a bad idea to discuss this right
now. Lets just wait and we'll do it in the morning.
Mike: Fine. I'll talk about it in the morning dad. But things are not going to change.
Jason: Mike, you know you are making this real tough on me.
Mike: Dad, It's no picnic for me either. I have got a rehearsal tomorrow at nine.
Jason: Well maybe you just won't go to that rehearsal Mike. I mean maybe this, maybe
there's a middle ground for us. I mean we've been through a lot of stuff together. Why can't
we just find a compromise?
Mike: Well I would sure like to.
Jason: Alright. What sounds fair to you?
Mike: Ok, I think that I should quit school and take the acting job.
Jason: Ha ha. How's that a compromise?
Mike: You can still yell at me.
Jason: I'll tell you what a compromise is. A compromise is you go to school and you do your
plays at the weekend.
Mike: Dad, plays don't work that way.
Jason: Well they can for a couple of years.
Mike: Dad, there is going to be no compromise ok. I am going to do what I want to do, and
you are just going to have to live with that.
Jason: Ok Mike. Here's the deal. You want to same rent, you want the same meal plan, then
you've got to study something. You've got to be a student. Study anything anywhere. I don't
care. I hear in California now they've got a school for game show hosts.
Mike: What Alex Trebec Tech?
Jason: I'm serious.
Mike: So you're saying if I don't do what you say, you're making me move out?
Jason: No Mike, you're choosing to move out.
Mike: Why?
Jason: I don't know, you tell me. I like you living here.
Mike: Well me too dad. So what are we fighting about?
Jason: We're not fighting anymore. I want your decision in the morning.
Maggie: You're up early.
Jason: I've got doors to hang.
Maggie: Doors plural? Did you talk to Mike after you said you wouldn't?
Jason: I happened to run into him last night.
Maggie: Was this about the time you were rattling dishes in the kitchen?
Jason: Later.
Maggie: And?
Jason: And what?
Maggie: And he owns the house and you're his handyman?
Carol: The reason I'm leaving so early is so hopefully I can make it into Manhattan in under
two hours. If anybody cares.
Maggie: Have a good day sweetheart.
Jason: Ditto.
Carol: Mum, may I borrow your mace? I used all mine up yesterday.
Maggie: Sure honey. Jason, what happened?
Jason: Well we just had a little talk and I think I got through to him.
Maggie: You do? Really?
Jason: Uh hu. Really.
Maggie: Well maybe it is a good thing you talked to him. If I'd gone up there I probably would
have lost my temper and given him some stupid ultimatum.
Jason: I'm going to go get the newspaper. Hey Mike. Can I hang that door for you? Mike?

Radio: Everybody's talking at me. I don't hear a word they're saying. Only the echoes of my
mind. People stop and stare. I can't see their faces. Only the shadows of their eyes. I'm going
where the sun keeps shining. Through the pouring rain.