Jason: So he moved out. That little no good, ungrateful...My son's gone. My first born. My
Name's sake, if we decided to go that way.
(Flashback)
Mike: I want to go to school here.
Maggie: Phillip Boynton State Teachers college.
Mike: Exactly.
Mike: Michael Seaver.
Man: Well Mr. Seaver, would you like to tell us a little about your most recent acting
experience?
Mike: Uh, well just yesterday I convinced my parents I'd given up acting.
Maggie: So you lied to us?
Mike: Uh hu.
Jason: So you never had any intention of going to Boynton?
Mike: You got it.
Jason: Here's the deal; you want that same rent. You want the Seaver meal plan? Then you've
got to study something. You've got to be a student. Study something anywhere, I don't care.
Mike: So you're saying that if I don't do what you say, you're making me move out?
Jason: No Mike. You're choosing to move out.
Mike: Why?
Jason: I don't know. You tell me. I like you living here.
Mike: Well me too dad. So what are we fighting about?
Jason: We're not fighting anymore. I want your decision in the morning.

(Back to present)
Maggie: Jason! Jason!
Jason: Yeah honey.
Maggie: Tell Mike to hurry up. His breakfast is getting cold. Come on kids. Breakfast.
Jason: (in his head) Oh boy, how am I going to tell Maggie? And look at her. All safe and
secure in her little pink robe. Whipping up eggs. God that's sexy. Stop. Stop. Now get back to
the problem. How am I going to tell her?
(Day dream one)
Maggie: Jason, what are you doing?
Jason: I'm hugging my gal. And it's not just because you're beautiful Maggie. It's because
together I know you and I can face anything. Even Mike moving out.
Maggie: Mike moved out! Oh you did it didn't you? You with your senseless babbling drove our
first born away.
Jason: Remember honey, the important thing here is that our love will survive. (Maggie shoots
him)
Jason: (In his head) You are making too much of this. She's an adult. She'll understand.
(Day dream two)
Jason: Maggie, you better put down that whip.
Maggie: Pardon me.
Jason: I have some terrible news. Mike has moved out.
Maggie: Oh, that's nice.
Jason: What, you're not upset?
Maggie: Heck no. We can have more kids. In fact I'm in the mood to start trying right now.
(Lies on table)
Jason: (In his head) Yeah right. What am I doing? I'll just go in and bite the bullet. Oh god.
Bullet.
Maggie: Tell Mike to get here soon, or his three minute egg is going to be hard boiled.
Jason: Well Mike won't be having breakfast this morning.
Maggie: You decided to starve him into submission?
Jason: He's gone Maggie.
Maggie: What?
Jason: Gone. Mike moved out. His car, his clothes, everything. He moved out to do that stupid
play.
Maggie: Oh, I can't believe it. It's just another one of his tricks.
Jason: Sweetheart, he took the toilet paper.

Maggie: My baby! But, but I thought you reason with him. I thought you worked everything
out.
Jason: So did I. And I hate to say this Maggie, but I got to blame you.
Maggie: Me! Wait a minute; you're the one that talked to him last night. Alone, secretly. And
you blame me?
Jason: That's right. Because when my sober reasoning didn't work, I tried your hard as nails
approach.
Maggie: What stupid hard as nails approach?
Jason: You know the ultimatum that you didn't have the guts to give him face to face.
Maggie: I would never corner him like that. Stay in school or get out.
Jason: Now I think we say why.
Maggie: I can't believe my babies gone. I'm going after him.
Jason: To where?
Maggie: New York.
Jason: How do you know he's in New York?
Maggie: Jason, you know what city he's in and you stand there in your robe like Hugh stinking
Heffner.
Jason: Maggie, come on. There's eight million people in that city. What am I supposed to do?
Maggie: Oh I don't know. I am just worried that my babies fallen into something terrible.
Mike: Thanks for putting me up for the night babe.
Girl: Any thing for you cowboy.
Mike: Boy I love acting!
Man: Mr. Seaver! Must you say that after every line?
Mike: Well she is saying some great stuff.
Man: Maybe if you'll shut up, she'll say more. Now get into that bed with that young woman.
Mike: Boy I love acting!

Maggie: Jason I feel so terrible. I never got the chance to tell him goodbye. Bye Mike. It was
fun raising you.
Jason: No it wasn't Maggie. It was a nightmare.
Maggie: Oh. So you're happy he's gone?
Jason: Not happy Maggie. I'm destroyed. I'm hurt. I'm at a loss here, but come on. I love that
no good irresponsible selfish hard headed lofty opportunistic, dangerous, out law of son.
Maggie: He is so cute when he lies.
Ben: Look. Mum, dad, I know what you're going to say, but I don't care. This is what all the
kids at school are wearing and if you ask me, I think it looks darn cool.
Jason: We have bigger problems Ben. Mike has moved out and gone to New York.
Maggie: Oh!
Stinky: My mother cried too when she saw me.

Ben: No Stinky. She's not crying about this. Mike moved to New York. We are talking window
of opportunity here. I have a theory that Mike's old apartment is about to become bens house
of pleasures.
(Ben's daydream)
Ben: Alright. Enough practice girls. Now who wants to be shirts and who wants to be skin?

Stinky: Alright!
Jason: Now honey look on the bright side. Mike might become rich and successful and never
need us again.
Maggie: Oh!
Carol: Can you believe this?
Jason: Carol, shouldn't you be catching a bus?
Carol: Yes I should. But just look at me.
Maggie: Not now Carol.
Carol: Oh, is this a bad time for your daughter to have a breakdown?
Jason: Yes. Mike has moved to New York and we are pretty upset.
Carol: Mike has moved to New York! Well isn't that nice. Here I am a Columbia student who
has to leave at seven am to make a ten o clock class. But do I live in New York? No. I have to
wait at a bus stop and get splashed with mud by a traveling salesman, who then parks his car
and offers to wipe me off without using his hands.
Jason: Carol, you better change; you are going to be late for class.
Maggie: So, what are we going to do about Mike?
Jason: Well I know we can't give in Maggie. I mean we can't just let him live here and be a
bum. I don't know what to do. Our only hope is that he comes to his senses.
Maggie: Then we have no hope.

Girl: Don't leave me cowboy. Don't leave me.
Mike: Sorry babe, but I'm a traveling man and I gotta go. So I'll just say Yo!
Man: Ok. We may have to do a little work on this ending. People, that's it for today, and please,
leave your address so we can send you your revised pages.
Mike: Oh, Bob, Bob, Bob. What do you do if you don't know your address?
Bob: Look inside your underwear.
Mike: I mean I haven't found a place yet. Do you know where I can find a nice clean
apartment for say one or two hundred dollars a month?
Bob: Yeah. Milwaukee.
Mike: Maurice. Listen, could you help me out? I mean is there any way I could get my first
days pay now?
Man: Michael, nobody gets their pay until the play opens, and that's four weeks away.

Mike: Four weeks! How is a guy supposed to live?
Man: Well you could sell your blood. As a matter of fact I'm going right now. You want to go?
Mike: No thanks.
Girl: Eight seven five, central park south. Penthouse.
Mike: Ah Liz. Listen I was thinking, it would really help me understand my part if I could spend
the night on your couch tonight.
Girl: Sorry. Tonight my boyfriends fighting for the Light Heavy Weight crown.

Kate: Mike!
Mike: Kate! Look, I know we haven't seen each other for a few months, but heck, we can't say
that anymore.
Kate: How are you Mike?
Mike: Fine. Kate, Kate, I did it! I moved to New York and I'm starring in a play.
Kate: Broadway?
Mike: Off Broadway.
Kate: How far off?
Mike: It's a nursing home on the second floor. It doesn't matter. The point is, here I am and
here you are. You seeing anyone?
Kate: No.
Mike: Me neither. Want to live together?
Kate: Mike.
Mike: Ok, ok. I know it was my idea for the two of us to be just friends, but, hey look, the
question you got to ask yourself is; how meaningful do you want this friendship to be?
Kate: I would love to help you but...
Mike: hey look. Here's the truth. I just moved away from home. I've got a hundred bucks in
my pocket and no place to live. It would only be for a couple of days. A week, six months
tops.
Kate: I would love to help you but my mother's visiting.
Mother: Hello.
Mike: That's your mother?
Mother: You bet your but.
Mike: Charmed.
Kate: It is really nice to see you. Don't you know anybody else in the city?
Mike: Don't I know anybody else in the city! Kate, my book is filled. I just thought I'd give you
first shot.
Kate: Thanks.
Mike: Kate. Any of the time we were going out, did I ever lend you money?
Kate: No. In fact, you owe me fifty.
Mike: You're right. I'm sorry. Bad time to bring up money. I'll call you when the play opens.
Kate: I would love to see it.
Mike: You want to pay for two tickets now?
Mike: Grandma, it's your favorite grandson. And do I have good news for you.
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Jerry Vale.
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Vale.
Mike: Uh, is this my grandma Urma and Wally's apartment?
Jerry: Yes. I'm house sitting. I do that for all my fans. Wally and Urma are in the Bahamas.
Mike: The Bahamas!
Jerry: Yeah, it's a little chain of islands off the East coast.
Mike: well uh, look, Mr. Vale, it's like this. I am Urma's grandson Mike, and I just moved to
New York to become an actor and I don't have a place to stay. What do you say?
Jerry: It's a tough break kid. It will make you a better person. So long.
Waitress: Hey. Hey. Hey!
Mike: Another cup of coffee please.
Waitress: You've been here for hours. If you want to stay you got to order some food.
Mike: Uh, well excuse me but that sign in the window clearly offers a bottomless coffee.
Waitress: It also says friendly service.
Mike: Look lady, here's the truth. I'm an actor with no place to stay. Would you please cut me
a break?
Waitress: You want a break? I'll tell you about breaks. Forty years ago I understudied Mary
Martin in South Pacific and that broad never even once got sick. So I joined the circus and
spent my reproductive years with w two headed man. Would you like to see a picture of my
kids?
Mike: Uh I'm sure they're beautiful.
Waitress: Yeah right. Get out.

Music: Everybody's talking at me. I cant here a word they say. Only the echoes of my mind.
People stop and stare.
Mike: Hey! That's my car. That's all I got. You know if I pay for impound I'll be broke. I got
nothing. You know whose fault it is? It's my fathers.
Man: Here.
Mike: A buck. You're giving me a buck?
Man: Sorry, it's all I can afford. Its winter.
Mike: It's come to this. An anonymous homeless man gives me a buck.
Man: Otis.

Chrissy: Ben, you look stupid.
Ben: Chrissy, that's the first time you've ever insulted me.
Chrissy: No, it's the first time you've ever been in the room.
Carol: Where's dad?
Ben: Upstairs.
Carol: Dad, come down here now.
Ben: Our turf. Keep out. The Regents.
Carol: I was graffiti-ed Ben. By a gang of twelve dressed just like you.
Jason: Carol.
Carol: Dad, I need to talk to you.
Jason: I'm not asking you to violate any confidence that you have with your brother, but if you
see Mike I want you to give him this money. Do not say it's from. I want him to learn a lesson
but I do not want him to suffer. Nough said, now get away from me.
Carol: But dad I have something to say. |I've reached a decision.
Ben: Apparently so have the Regents.
Carol: Oh good. You're here too. I have something to say to you.
Maggie: Honey, you've got paint all over your coat.
Ben: You should read her but.
Carol: Ben, go to your room.
Ben: carol, you can't tell me where to go. Anyway. I don't live there anymore.
Maggie: What?
Ben: I moved up to the garage yesterday.
Maggie: Ben, you don't move anywhere without permission.
Ben: Dad said it was ok.
Jason: Well Maggie, my point was that just incase Mike happened to come back, this would
symbolically communicate to him that no individual is more important or larger than a family
as an entity. Because as you know, the fiber, the basic familial...Ben, go to your apartment.
Carol: I'm still here.
Jason: Why is that?
Carol: What do I have to do to get your attention? Wear vinyl like Ben?
Maggie: Ben's wearing Vinyl?
Ben: Leather.
Carol: I can't take this anymore. This commute is killing me.
Jason: Honey, I think there's something important going on here, and we have been too
preoccupied with Mike to even notice it.
Carol: Finally dad.
Jason: Carol's dropping out of school.
Maggie: What?
Carol: I'm not dropping out.
Jason: Finally that's solved.

Carol: Listen. If Mike can live in the city, so can I.
Maggie: Oh no you don't Carol. You can save your breath. You're not moving anywhere.
Carol: You haven't even heard what I have to say.
Jason: It's true Maggie.
Maggie: Not another word.
Carol: What?
Jason: I think what your mother's trying to say is maybe this isn't the right time.
Maggie: I'll tell you what I'm trying to say, thank you very much.
Jason: Honey I'll talk to her. It's ok. I can take care of things.
Maggie: Oh, like you took care of things with Mike?
Jason: Oh, so now we're blaming me all of a sudden.
Maggie: No, I blamed you all along.
Jason: You could hear the truth hu?
Maggie: Jason, I am going to handle this. Ok? Ok? Ok? Ok? Alright, where were we?
Carol: Well I was.....
Maggie: You are not moving anywhere. End of discussion.
Carol: How can you be so selfish?
Maggie: Selfish! You think I'm keeping you here for me?
Carol: Bingo.
Maggie: Carol, what would I possibly gain by having you here?
Carol: Oh, thank you very much.
Maggie: Honey, I just mean that maybe you're not ready to move out on your own.
Carol: How am I not ready? Name one thing. Just one.
Maggie: For one. For one. If you were adult enough to move out, you'd be adult enough to
know that this is a rotten time to be having this stinking conversation.
Carol: So I'm trapped here until I die?
Maggie: No honey, the odds are you'll out live your dad and I.
Carol: You know the best thing Mike ever did was move away from here.
Maggie: oh really?
Carol: Yeah. At least he had the good sense to get away from you.
Maggie: Me?
Carol: Yeah. I'll tell you something else. If I had the money, I'd do the same thing.
Maggie: Is that all that's keeping you here.
Carol: Yes.
Maggie: Well here.
Carol: What are you doing?
Maggie: Far be it for me to stand in you way. A blank check. You want to move, move. You're
free.
Carol: Great. Great. I can be out by tonight.

Maggie: You do that.
Carol: Good.
Maggie: Good.
Maggie: Oh!
Chrissy: Mummy.
Maggie: Yes pumpkin.
Chrissy: Can I have Carol's room?

Mike: (in his head) let's see. Let's see. Dad, the reason I'm home is because you were right.
Forgive me.
(Mike's imagination)
Jason: Looser! Looser!
Mike: I should talk to mum. Mum, your baby boy is home. The real world was really rough on
him.
Maggie: (shoots him)
Mike: (in his head) What the heck am I doing here? Oh right. I got no where to go.
Carol: Mike, what are you doing here? You look filthy and disgusting.
Mike: Uh, uh, yeah but after I have a shower I will be fine.
Carol: Do me a favor. Don't look me up when I'm in New York.
Mike: I won't. Wai, wai, wait a minute. What do you mean when you're in New York?
Carol: Yeah, I'm moving there.
Mike: What?
Carol: Uh hu. Mum gave me a blank check.
Mike: Wait. This is some kind of joke. Right?
Carol: Nope. With mums money I am finally on my own.
Mike: Carol, what an amazing coincidence. Here you are on your way to New York, and here I
am on my way back there. Why don't I give you a ride?
Carol: You'd do that?
Mike: Oh yeah. And Carol, I also hope to ease your first few troublesome days in Manhattan.
Carol: I don't trust you. Perhaps I should try a different broke.
Mike: A broke! Carol, I've got a car.
Jason: May I come down now, or will I just be in the way?
Maggie: No.
Jason: No I can't come down, or no I won't be in the way? Honey, if I am in the way, I'll stay
in my room.
Maggie: It's not that. Its just Carol's gone. I gave her a blank check and now she's moving to
New York and she'll never speak to me again.

Jason: You gave her a what? Carol. Carol come back. Your mother didn't mean it.
Maggie: Jason stop. She doesn't care. She hates us.
Jason: Maggie all kids hate their parents at some time. It's perfectly healthy. Didn't you ever
hate your parents?
Maggie: No. They didn't do anything to upset me.
Ed: You hoo! Hey guys.
Maggie: Dad. Oh I hate it when they drop in like this. Always interfering in my life.
Ed: So what's the good word?
Maggie: Oh daddy, Mike moved to New York and Carol too.
Ed: Are you happy now that you've driven out two of my grandkids, you quack?
Jason: I'm in no mood for you Ed. We were doing just fine until you showed up.
Maggie: Oh the hell we were.
Grandma: Oh, I sense tension.
Ben: Hey guys. Keep it down, I got some people over.

Mike: Is twenty thousand dollars hyphenated?
Carol: Why?
Mike: No reason.
Carol: You were thinking about my blank cheque, weren't you?
Mike: No.
Mike :( in his head) I was thinking about our blank cheque.