访谈录[Interview]2007-10-19:爱情能否超越距离?（在线收听）

What we found recently is that about 1 in 33 marriages are commuter marriages. And that works out to about 3.5 million people in the United States. And over the last 5 years we've found that the number of people in commuter marriages has increased about 30%.

Now thankfully you've spent about the last decade deeply investigating the particulars of a long distance relationship. And you've come up with a list of 10 tips that help people get through it. Let's go through these.

First of all , tip number one you say you're no more likely to get divorced.
Right! And in fact that is one of the main reasons that we started the website and I wrote the book ,well it's really got across the point that commuter marriages despite what people think actually do work just fine ,there is a myth out there that there is going to, they're increasing the rate of divorce if you do that and that is not true.

Well ,let’s chat through some of the others . you say share the boring tedium of daily life matters. Don't  just give the creepy love talk over the phone. Get all the boring stuff cleaned out. And do it via/ via a hands-free phone , you think that is also useful.

Right! One of the things we know that commuter married people do is  they tend to share a lot of good emotional stuffs—I love you and so forth.But they don't often share what is going on with them on a day-to-day basis. More trivial what seems to be trivial kind of things.But that is really what is important in making that connection and feeling like you are part of each others' life. Write Letters, you say.

Yes exactly. Actually after World War Two ,they found that soldiers who wrote letters seem to do much better in terms of their marriage than those who even have face to face visits. And recently there have been two more studies that show exactly the same thing. It is really a/ the paper and pencil letter or a card not email. That really does seem to make a difference. It does seem to help relationship stay together.

And another one which seems logical, set the rules of the relationship, If you are gonna split apart, and go to different places, get some ground rules in place.

Exactly right. What we found for example is that regardless of what rules people set, and by that I mean, is that ok to go to dinner with somebody else, is that ok to, dating is probably not usual for commuter marriages, though as for premarital relationships it is .But if you don’t talk about it ,people become very nervous, because they do not understand whether their partner understands the grounded rules of what you do . so it is very important to / kind of lay those rules out before hand.

Other ones : do not be a shut-in . Go out make friends ,join clubs .do other things except that some reunions when you do get to meet your loved one again. There may not be great moments.

Right we have found that because people are separated often for career reasons .they tend to get very absorbed in their work. And they can become very isolated and that is not a good thing when you are under the stresses that can come with a commuter marriage .so they really do need to get out of it and be more involved with other people.

And along the same lines I think we really need to try to push people to get a confidant, an individual they can be with and talk about the problems of the commuter marriage.