CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE St. John’s Secret
I had twenty village girls to teach. Some of them spoke in such a strong, country speech that I could barely understand them. Their words did not seem like the English language. Only three of the girls could read, and none could write. At the end of my first day, I knew there would be much hard work to do. But I told myself that I was lucky to have any kind of work. “Besides, these are good girls, and they want to learn, just like I did when I was their age,” I thought.
Ever since I had left Thornfield I had thought of Mr. Rochester every day and night. That evening, I stood at the door of my house, looking at the sunset and the quiet fields. I allowed myself to imagine again the life I could have had with Mr. Rochester. He would have loved me very much for a while. “He did love me,” I thought, “nobody will ever love me like that again.” But I knew that I would only have been his mistress, not his wife. One day, he would have become tired of me. In time, I would be happier here as a schoolteacher. I would be alone, but at least I would be honest.
But when he came to visit me, St. John Rivers found me crying. He asked me.
“Are you sorry you took this job?”
“Oh no,” I said, “I know I will enjoy it. And I’m so grateful to have a home, and work to do. A few weeks ago, I had nothing.”
“But perhaps you are lonely,” he said.
I’m not lonely yet, and I’m sure I’ll be very busy with my work.”
“Well, I think you should work hard. Don’t think about your past. A year ago. I was unhappy also. The quiet life in the country was boring to me, and I thought about changing my work. Suddenly I realized that God had an answer for me. He was telling me to be a missionary! No work is greater than that! Since then, I have been happy, getting ready to leave England and traveling around the world, serving God. But … I do have one human problem. I have promised God I will overcome this problem in my life.”
I was listening to him so closely that I did not hear the sounds of someone walking nearby. “Good evening, Mr. Rivers!” said a sweet voice. St. John jumped up, and then turned slowly to face the person. A girl dressed in white was standing there. When she took off her hat, we saw her beautiful face. St. John’s face turned red, and he looked at the ground as he said, “It is a lovely evening, but isn’t it late for you to be outside alone?”
“Oh. Father told me there was a new girls’ school, and I just had to see it! I wanted to meet the new teacher. That must be you,” she said to me, smiling. “Do you like your little house, and the students?” I knew that this must be Miss Oliver, who had paid for the furniture in my house.
“Oh, yes, Miss Oliver. I think I’ll like teaching here, and the house is lovely, thank you,” I said.
“If you like, I’ll come and help you teach sometimes. Oh, Mr. Rivers, I am so tired! I was visiting friends, and I was out dancing until two o’clock this morning! How fun!”
St. John looked straight into Miss Oliver’s laughing eyes. He looked as if his heart wanted to fly out of its cage, but he said nothing. Miss Oliver went on talking, “Please come and visit my father, Mr. Rivers. Why don’t you ever come?” she asked.
“I can’t, Miss Rosamund. I ---I am very busy with my work,” he said softly. It seemed to me that he really wanted to visit her, however. “Well, I must go home then. Goodbye!” She held out her hand. When he touched it, his own hand was trembling.
“Goodbye!” he said. His face was red. When Miss Oliver walked away, she turned back to look at St. John two times. But he never turned around to look at her.
When I saw St. John’s unhappiness. I didn’t think so much about my own problems. At least I had loved and been loved by someone, for a short time. Every day, I watched St. John and Miss Oliver together. St. John taught a Bible lesson at the school, and Miss Oliver always came to the school at that time, wearing her prettiest dress. She would walk towards St. John, smiling sweetly at him. He would look at her as if he wanted to say, “I love you, and I know you love me. I could marry you and be happy. But my heart is already promised to God!” but he never said anything, and she always went away. Each day she grew a little sadder. I knew he wanted her, but he would not disobey God. He believed he had to become a missionary, serving God alone for the rest of his life.
Miss Oliver’s father liked St. John, and would be happy if St. John married his daughter. I decided to try to convince St. John to marry Miss Oliver. I thought St. John could help the poor with Miss Oliver’s money in England, instead of traveling so far away, into the East.
My chance to talk to St. John came one November evening when he visited me at home. He saw a drawing I had done of Miss Oliver, and he could not stop looking at it.
“I could give this drawing to you, if you would like it,” I said gently.
“She’s so beautiful!” he said, still looking at it. “I would certainly like to have it.”
“She likes you, I am sure,” I said bravely. “And her father respects you. You should marry her.”
“It’s very nice to hear you say these things,” he said. He was not upset by my words. “I will let myself think about her for fifteen minutes.” And he put his watch on the table and sat sown, closing his eyes. “Married to the lovely Rosamund Oliver! Let me just imagine it! My heart is full of happiness!” And there was silence for fifteen minutes while he thought about her. Then he put the drawing back on the table, picking up his watch.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t marry her. You see, Jane, although I love her, I know that Rosamund would not make a good wife for a missionary. She would not be happy in this work.”
“But you don’t have to become a missionary!” I said.
“Yes, I do. It’s the great work that God has chosen me to do! I will teach the Eastern people about the Christian religion, peace, and freedom. This is what I live and die for!”
“But what about Miss Oliver?” I asked. “She may be so unhappy if you leave.”
“Jane, Miss Oliver will forget me in a month. I know this about her. She will marry someone who can make her much happier than I could.”
“St. John, you speak calmly, but I know you’re hurting.”
“You are right,” he said, “But believe me, I will never marry her. I will only serve God.” As he picked up his hat before leaving, he looked at the drawing of Miss Oliver once more. Suddenly he stared at me, and then tore off a tiny piece of the drawing very quickly. With a “goodbye!” he ran out of the house. I did not understand why he had done this. |