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(单词翻译:双击或拖选)
We agreed to meet a few hours after the funeral. In the Frogmore gardens, by the old Gothic ruin.
I got there first.
I looked around, saw no one.
I checked my phone. No texts, no voicemails.
They must be running late, I thought, leaning against the stone wall.
I put away my phone and told myself: Stay calm.
The weather was quintessentially April. Not quite winter, not yet spring. The trees were bare,but the air was soft. The sky was gray, but the tulips were popping. The light was pale, but theindigo lake, threading through the gardens, glowed.
How beautiful it all is, I thought. And also how sad.
Once upon a time, this was going to be my forever home. Instead it had proved to be justanother brief stop.
When my wife and I fled this place, in fear for our sanity2 and physical safety, I wasn’t surewhen I’d ever come back. That was January 2020. Now, fifteen months later, here I was, daysafter waking to thirty-two missed calls and then one short, heart-racing talk with Granny: Harry3…Grandpa’s gone.
The wind picked up, turned colder. I hunched4 my shoulders, rubbed my arms, regretted thethinness of my white shirt. I wished I’d not changed out of my funeral suit. I wished I’d thought tobring a coat. I turned my back to the wind and saw, looming5 behind me, the Gothic ruin, which inreality was no more Gothic than the Millennium6 Wheel. Some clever architect, some bit ofstagecraft. Like so much around here, I thought.
I moved from the stone wall to a small wooden bench. Sitting, I checked my phone again,peered up and down the garden path.
Where are they?
Another gust7 of wind. Funny, it reminded me of Grandpa. His wintry demeanor8, maybe. Or hisicy sense of humor. I recalled one particular shooting weekend years ago. A mate, just trying tomake conversation, asked Grandpa what he thought of my new beard, which had been causingconcern in the family and controversy9 in the press. Should the Queen Force Prince Harry toShave? Grandpa looked at my mate, looked at my chin, broke into a devilish grin. THAT’S nobeard!
Everyone laughed. To beard or not to beard, that was the question, but leave it to Grandpa todemand more beard. Let grow the luxurious10 bristles11 of a bloody12 Viking!
I thought of Grandpa’s strong opinions, his many passions—carriage driving, barbecuing,shooting, food, beer. The way he embraced life. He had that in common with my mother. Maybethat was why he’d been such a fan. Long before she was Princess Diana, back when she wassimply Diana Spencer, kindergarten teacher, secret girlfriend of Prince Charles, my grandfatherwas her loudest advocate. Some said he actually brokered13 my parents’ marriage. If so, anargument could be made that Grandpa was the Prime Cause in my world. But for him, I wouldn’tbe here.
Neither would my older brother.
Then again, maybe our mother would be here. If she hadn’t married Pa…I recalled one recent chat, just me and Grandpa, not long after he’d turned ninety-seven. Hewas thinking about the end. He was no longer capable of pursuing his passions, he said. And yetthe thing he missed most was work. Without work, he said, everything crumbles14. He didn’t seemsad, just ready. You have to know when it’s time to go, Harry.
I glanced now into the distance, towards the mini skyline of crypts and monuments alongsideFrogmore. The Royal Burial Ground. Final resting place for so many of us, including QueenVictoria. Also, the notorious Wallis Simpson. Also, her doubly notorious husband Edward, theformer King and my great-great-uncle. After Edward gave up his throne for Wallis, after they fledBritain, both of them fretted15 about their ultimate return—both obsessed16 about being buried righthere. The Queen, my grandmother, granted their plea. But she placed them at a distance fromeveryone else, beneath a stooped plane tree. One last finger wag, perhaps. One final exile, maybe.
I wondered how Wallis and Edward felt now about all their fretting17. Did any of it matter in theend? I wondered if they wondered at all. Were they floating in some airy realm, still mulling theirchoices, or were they Nowhere, thinking Nothing? Could there really be Nothing after this? Doesconsciousness, like time, have a stop? Or maybe, I thought, just maybe, they’re here right now,next to the fake Gothic ruin, or next to me, eavesdropping18 on my thoughts. And if so…maybe mymother is too?
And a stab of sorrow.
I missed my mother every day, but that day, on the verge20 of that nerve-racking rendezvous21 atFrogmore, I found myself longing22 for her, and I couldn’t say just why. Like so much about her, itwas hard to put into words.
Although my mother was a princess, named after a goddess, both those terms always feltweak, inadequate23. People routinely compared her to icons24 and saints, from Nelson Mandela toMother Teresa to Joan of Arc, but every such comparison, while lofty and loving, also felt wide ofthe mark. The most recognizable woman on the planet, one of the most beloved, my mother wassimply indescribable, that was the plain truth. And yet… how could someone so far beyondeveryday language remain so real, so palpably present, so exquisitely25 vivid in my mind? How wasit possible that I could see her, clear as the swan skimming towards me on that indigo1 lake? Howcould I hear her laughter, loud as the songbirds in the bare trees—still? There was so much I didn’tremember, because I was so young when she died, but the greater miracle was all that I did. Herdevastating smile, her vulnerable eyes, her childlike love of movies and music and clothes andsweets—and us. Oh how she loved my brother and me. Obsessively26, she once confessed to aninterviewer.
Well, Mummy…vice versa.
Maybe she was omnipresent for the very same reason that she was indescribable—because shewas light, pure and radiant light, and how can you really describe light? Even Einstein struggledwith that one. Recently, astronomers27 rearranged their biggest telescopes, aimed them at one tinycrevice in the cosmos28, and managed to catch a glimpse of one breathtaking sphere, which theynamed Earendel, the Old English word for Morning Star. Billions of miles off, and probably longvanished, Earendel is closer to the Big Bang, the moment of Creation, than our own Milky29 Way,and yet it’s somehow still visible to mortal eyes because it’s just so awesomely30 bright anddazzling.
That was my mother.
That was why I could see her, sense her, always, but especially that April afternoon atFrogmore.
That—and the fact that I was carrying her flag. I’d come to those gardens because I wantedpeace. I wanted it more than anything. I wanted it for my family’s sake, and for my own—but alsofor hers.
People forget how much my mother strove for peace. She circled the globe many times over,traipsed through minefields, cuddled AIDS patients, consoled war orphans31, always working tobring peace to someone somewhere, and I knew how desperately32 she would want—no, did want—peace between her boys, and between us two and Pa. And among the whole family.
For months the Windsors had been at war. There had been strife33 in our ranks, off and on, goingback centuries, but this was different. This was a full-scale public rupture34, and it threatened tobecome irreparable. So, though I’d flown home specifically and solely35 for Grandpa’s funeral,while there I’d asked for this secret meeting with my older brother, Willy, and my father to talkabout the state of things.
To find a way out.
But now I looked once more at my phone and once more up and down the garden path and Ithought: Maybe they’ve changed their minds. Maybe they’re not going to come.
For half a second I considered giving up, going for a walk through the gardens by myself orheading back to the house where all my cousins were drinking and sharing stories of Grandpa.
Then, at last, I saw them. Shoulder to shoulder, striding towards me, they looked grim, almostmenacing. More, they looked tightly aligned36. My stomach dropped. Normally they’d besquabbling about one thing or another, but now they appeared to be in lockstep—in league.
I rose from the wooden bench, made a tentative step towards them, gave a weak smile. Theydidn’t smile back. Now my heart really started thrashing in my chest. Deep breaths, I told myself.
Apart from fear, I was feeling a kind of hyper-awareness, and a hugely intense vulnerability,which I’d experienced at other key moments of my life.
Going into battle for the first time.
Giving a speech in the middle of a panic attack.
There was that same sense of embarking39 on a quest, and not knowing if I was up to it, whilealso fully40 knowing that there was no turning back. That Fate was in the saddle.
OK, Mummy, I thought, picking up the pace, here goes. Wish me luck.
We met in the middle of the path. Willy? Pa? Hello.
Harold.
The way we simply fell into this synchronous43 alignment44, the way we wordlessly assumed thesame measured paces and bowed heads, plus the nearness of those graves—how could anyone notbe reminded of Mummy’s funeral? I told myself not to think about that, to think instead about thepleasing crunch45 of our footsteps, and the way our words flew away like wisps of smoke on thewind.
Being British, being Windsors, we began chatting casually46 about the weather. We comparednotes about Grandpa’s funeral. He’d planned it all himself, down to the tiniest detail, we remindedeach other with rueful smiles.
Small talk. The smallest. We touched on all secondary subjects and I kept waiting for us to getto the primary one, wondering why it was taking so long and also how on earth my father andbrother could appear so calm.
I looked around. We’d covered a fair bit of terrain47, and were now smack48 in the middle of theRoyal Burial Ground, more up to our ankles in bodies than Prince Hamlet. Come to think of it…didn’t I myself once ask to be buried here? Hours before I’d gone off to war my private secretarysaid I needed to choose the spot where my remains49 should be interred50. Should the worst happen,Your Royal Highness…war being an uncertain thing…There were several options. St. George’s Chapel51? The Royal Vault52 at Windsor, where Grandpawas being settled at this moment?
No, I’d chosen this one, because the gardens were lovely, and because it seemed peaceful.
Our feet almost on top of Wallis Simpson’s face, Pa launched into a micro-lecture about thispersonage over here, that royal cousin over there, all the once-eminent dukes and duchesses, lordsand ladies, currently residing beneath the lawn. A lifelong student of history, he had loads ofinformation to share, and part of me thought we might be there for hours, and that there might be atest at the end. Mercifully, he stopped, and we carried on along the grass around the edge of thelake, arriving at a beautiful little patch of daffodils.
It was there, at last, that we got down to business.
I tried to explain my side of things. I wasn’t at my best. For starters, I was still nervous,fighting to keep my emotions in check, while also striving to be succinct53 and precise. More, I’dvowed not to let this encounter devolve into another argument. But I quickly discovered that itwasn’t up to me. Pa and Willy had their parts to play, and they’d come ready for a fight. Everytime I ventured a new explanation, started a new line of thought, one or both of them would cutme off. Willy in particular didn’t want to hear anything. After he’d shut me down several times, heand I began sniping, saying some of the same things we’d said for months—years. It got so heatedthat Pa raised his hands. Enough!
He stood between us, looking up at our flushed faces: Please, boys—don’t make my final yearsa misery54.
His voice sounded raspy, fragile. It sounded, if I’m being honest, old.
I thought about Grandpa.
All at once something shifted inside of me. I looked at Willy, really looked at him, maybe forthe first time since we were boys. I took it all in: his familiar scowl55, which had always been hisdefault in dealings with me; his alarming baldness, more advanced than my own; his famousresemblance to Mummy, which was fading with time. With age. In some ways he was my mirror,in some ways he was my opposite. My beloved brother, my arch nemesis56, how had that happened?
I felt massively tired. I wanted to go home, and I realized what a complicated concept homehad become. Or maybe always was. I gestured at the gardens, the city beyond, the nation, andsaid: Willy, this was supposed to be our home. We were going to live here the rest of our lives.
You left, Harold.
Yeah—and you know why.
I don’t.
You…don’t?
I honestly don’t.
I leaned back. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was one thing to disagree about whowas at fault or how things might have been different, but for him to claim total ignorance of thereasons I’d fled the land of my birth—the land for which I’d fought and been ready to die—myMother Country? That fraught57 phrase. To claim no knowledge of why my wife and I took thedrastic step of picking up our child and just running like hell, leaving behind everything—house,friends, furniture? Really?
I looked up at the trees: You don’t know!
Harold…I honestly don’t.
I turned to Pa. He was gazing at me with an expression that said: Neither do I.
Wow, I thought. Maybe they really don’t.
Staggering. But maybe it was true.
And if they didn’t know why I’d left, maybe they just didn’t know me. At all.
And maybe they never really did.
And to be fair, maybe I didn’t either.
The thought made me feel colder, and terribly alone.
But it also fired me up. I thought: I have to tell them.
How can I tell them?
I can’t. It would take too long.
Besides, they’re clearly not in the right frame of mind to listen.
Not now, anyway. Not today.
And so:
Pa? Willy?
World?
Here you go.
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1
indigo
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| n.靛青，靛蓝 | |
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sanity
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| n.心智健全，神智正常，判断正确 | |
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harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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hunched
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| （常指因寒冷、生病或愁苦）耸肩弓身的，伏首前倾的 | |
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looming
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| n.上现蜃景（光通过低层大气发生异常折射形成的一种海市蜃楼）v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的现在分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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millennium
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| n.一千年，千禧年；太平盛世 | |
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gust
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| n.阵风，突然一阵（雨、烟等），（感情的）迸发 | |
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demeanor
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| n.行为；风度 | |
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controversy
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| n.争论，辩论，争吵 | |
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luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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bristles
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| 短而硬的毛发，刷子毛( bristle的名词复数 ) | |
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bloody
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| adj.非常的的；流血的；残忍的；adv.很；vt.血染 | |
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brokered
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| adj.由权力经纪人安排（或控制）的v.做掮客（或中人等）( broker的过去式和过去分词 )；作为权力经纪人进行谈判；以中间人等身份安排… | |
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crumbles
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| 酥皮水果甜点( crumble的名词复数 ) | |
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fretted
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| 焦躁的，附有弦马的，腐蚀的 | |
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obsessed
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| adj.心神不宁的,鬼迷心窍的,沉迷的 | |
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fretting
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| n. 微振磨损 adj. 烦躁的, 焦虑的 | |
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eavesdropping
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| n. 偷听 | |
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jolt
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| v.（使）摇动，（使）震动，（使）颠簸 | |
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verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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rendezvous
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| n.约会，约会地点，汇合点；vi.汇合，集合；vt.使汇合，使在汇合地点相遇 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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inadequate
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| adj.(for,to)不充足的，不适当的 | |
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icons
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| n.偶像( icon的名词复数 )；（计算机屏幕上表示命令、程序的）符号，图像 | |
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exquisitely
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| adv.精致地；强烈地；剧烈地；异常地 | |
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obsessively
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| ad.着迷般地，过分地 | |
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astronomers
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| n.天文学者，天文学家( astronomer的名词复数 ) | |
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cosmos
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| n.宇宙；秩序，和谐 | |
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milky
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| adj.牛奶的，多奶的；乳白色的 | |
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awesomely
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| 赫然 | |
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orphans
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| 孤儿( orphan的名词复数 ) | |
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desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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strife
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| n.争吵，冲突，倾轧，竞争 | |
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rupture
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| n.破裂；(关系的)决裂；v.(使)破裂 | |
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solely
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| adv.仅仅，唯一地 | |
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aligned
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| adj.对齐的，均衡的 | |
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duel
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| n./v.决斗；(双方的)斗争 | |
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coffin
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| n.棺材，灵柩 | |
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embarking
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| 乘船( embark的现在分词 )； 装载； 从事 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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tepid
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| adj.微温的，温热的，不太热心的 | |
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gravel
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| n.砂跞；砂砾层；结石 | |
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synchronous
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| adj.同步的 | |
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alignment
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| n.队列；结盟，联合 | |
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crunch
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| n.关键时刻；艰难局面；v.发出碎裂声 | |
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casually
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| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
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terrain
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| n.地面，地形，地图 | |
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48
smack
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| vt.拍，打，掴；咂嘴；vi.含有…意味；n.拍 | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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interred
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| v.埋，葬( inter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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51
chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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52
vault
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| n.拱形圆顶，地窖，地下室 | |
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53
succinct
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| adj.简明的，简洁的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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55
scowl
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| vi.(at)生气地皱眉，沉下脸，怒视；n.怒容 | |
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56
nemesis
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| n.给以报应者，复仇者，难以对付的敌手 | |
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57
fraught
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| adj.充满…的，伴有(危险等)的；忧虑的 | |
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