2-61

 

61.

I expected magic. I thought this challenging, ennobling task of creating an International WarriorGames would propel me into the next phase of my postwar life. It didn’t work out like that.

Instead, day by day, I felt more sluggish¹. More hopeless. More lost.

By the late summer of 2013 I was in trouble, toggling between bouts² of debilitating³ lethargyand terrifying panic attacks.

My official life was all about being in public, standing⁴ up in front of people, giving speechesand talks, doing interviews, and now I found myself nearly incapable⁵ of fulfilling these basicfunctions. Hours before a speech or public appearance I’d be soaked with sweat. Then, during theevent itself, I’d be unable to think, my mind buzzing with fear and fantasies of running away.

Time and again I just managed to stave off the urge to flee. But I could envisage⁶ a day when Iwouldn’t be able to, when I’d actually sprint⁷ off a stage or burst out of a room. Indeed, that dayseemed to be coming fast, and I could already picture the blaring headlines, which always madethe anxiety three times worse.

The panic often started with putting on a suit first thing in the morning. Strange—that was mytrigger: The Suit. As I buttoned up my shirt I could feel my blood pressure soaring. As I knottedmy tie I could feel my throat closing. By the time I was pulling on the jacket, lacing the smartshoes, sweat was running down my cheeks and back.

I’d always been sensitive to heat. Like Pa. He and I would joke about it. We’re not made forthis world, we said. Bloody⁸ snowmen. The dining room at Sandringham, for instance, was ourversion of Dante’s Inferno⁹. Much of Sandringham was balmy, but the dining room wassubtropical. Pa and I would always wait for Granny to look away, then one of us would jump up,sprint to a window, crack it an inch. Ah, blessed cool air. But the corgis always betrayed us. Thecool air would make them whimper, and Granny would say: Is there a draft? And then a footmanwould promptly¹⁰ shut the window. (That loud thump¹¹, unavoidable because the windows were soold, always felt like the door of a jail cell being slammed.) But now, every time I was about tomake any kind of public appearance, no matter the venue¹², it felt like the Sandringham diningroom. During one speech I became so overheated that I felt sure everyone was noticing anddiscussing it. During one drinks reception I searched frantically¹³ for anyone else who might beexperiencing the same heatstroke. I needed some assurance that it wasn’t just me.

But it was.

As is so often true of fear, mine metastasized. Soon it wasn’t merely public appearances, butall public venues¹⁴. All crowds. I came to fear simply being around other human beings.

More than anything else I feared cameras. I’d never liked cameras, of course, but now Icouldn’t abide¹⁵ them. The telltale click of a shutter¹⁶ opening and closing… it could knock mesideways for a whole day.

I had no choice: I began staying home. Day after day, night after night, I sat around eatingtakeaway, watching 24. Or Friends. I think I might’ve watched every episode of Friends in 2013.

I decided¹⁷ I was a Chandler.

My actual friends would comment in passing that I didn’t seem myself. As if I had flu.

Sometimes I’d think, Maybe I’m not myself. Maybe that’s what’s going on here. Maybe this issome kind of metamorphosis. A new self is emerging, and I’m just going to have to be this newperson, this frightened person, for the rest of my days.

Or maybe this had always been me, and it was only now becoming evident? My psyche¹⁸, likewater, had found its level.

I ransacked¹⁹ Google for explanations. I plugged my symptoms into various medical searchengines. I kept trying to self-diagnose, to put a name to what was wrong with me…when theanswer was right under my nose. I’d met so many soldiers, so many young men and womensuffering from post-traumatic stress, and I’d heard them describe how hard it was to leave thehouse, how uncomfortable it was to be around other people, how excruciating it was to enter apublic space—especially if it was loud. I’d heard them talk about timing²⁰ their visit to a shop orsupermarket carefully, making sure to arrive minutes before closing time, to avoid the crowds andnoise. I’d empathized with them, deeply, and yet never made the connection. It never occurred tome that I, too, was suffering from post- traumatic stress. Despite all my work with woundedsoldiers, all my efforts on their behalf, all my struggles to create a games that would spotlight²¹ theircondition, it never dawned on me that I was a wounded soldier.

And my war didn’t begin in Afghanistan.

It began in August 1997.

 

1 sluggish   

adj.懒惰的，迟钝的，无精打采的

参考例句：

• This humid heat makes you feel rather sluggish.这种湿热的天气使人感到懒洋洋的。
• Circulation is much more sluggish in the feet than in the hands.脚部的循环比手部的循环缓慢得多。

2 bouts   

n.拳击（或摔跤）比赛( bout的名词复数 )；一段（工作）；（尤指坏事的）一通；（疾病的）发作

参考例句：

• For much of his life he suffered from recurrent bouts of depression. 他的大半辈子反复发作抑郁症。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• It was one of fistiana's most famous championship bouts. 这是拳击界最有名的冠军赛之一。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

3 debilitating   

a.使衰弱的

参考例句：

• The debilitating disease made him too weak to work. 这个令他衰弱的病，使他弱到没有办法工作。
• You may soon leave one debilitating condition or relationship forever. 你即将永远地和这段霉运说拜拜了。

4 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

5 incapable   

adj.无能力的，不能做某事的

参考例句：

• He would be incapable of committing such a cruel deed.他不会做出这么残忍的事。
• Computers are incapable of creative thought.计算机不会创造性地思维。

6 envisage   

v.想象，设想，展望，正视

参考例句：

• Nobody can envisage the consequences of total nuclear war.没有人能够想像全面核战争的后果。
• When do you envisage being able to pay me back?你看你什么时候能还我钱？

7 sprint   

n.短距离赛跑；vi. 奋力而跑，冲刺；vt.全速跑过

参考例句：

• He put on a sprint to catch the bus.他全速奔跑以赶上公共汽车。
• The runner seemed to be rallied for a final sprint.这名赛跑者似乎在振作精神作最后的冲刺。

8 bloody   

adj.非常的的；流血的；残忍的；adv.很；vt.血染

参考例句：

• He got a bloody nose in the fight.他在打斗中被打得鼻子流血。
• He is a bloody fool.他是一个十足的笨蛋。

9 inferno   

n.火海；地狱般的场所

参考例句：

• Rescue workers fought to get to victims inside the inferno.救援人员奋力营救大火中的受害者。
• The burning building became an inferno.燃烧着的大楼成了地狱般的地方。

10 promptly   

adv.及时地，敏捷地

参考例句：

• He paid the money back promptly.他立即还了钱。
• She promptly seized the opportunity his absence gave her.她立即抓住了因他不在场给她创造的机会。

11 thump   

v.重击，砰然地响；n.重击，重击声

参考例句：

• The thief hit him a thump on the head.贼在他的头上重击一下。
• The excitement made her heart thump.她兴奋得心怦怦地跳。

12 venue   

n.犯罪地点，审判地，管辖地，发生地点，集合地点

参考例句：

• The hall provided a venue for weddings and other functions.大厅给婚礼和其他社会活动提供了场所。
• The chosen venue caused great controversy among the people.人们就审判地点的问题产生了极大的争议。

13 frantically   

ad.发狂地, 发疯地

参考例句：

• He dashed frantically across the road. 他疯狂地跑过马路。
• She bid frantically for the old chair. 她发狂地喊出高价要买那把古老的椅子。

14 venues   

n.聚集地点( venue的名词复数 )；会场；（尤指）体育比赛场所；犯罪地点

参考例句：

• The band will be playing at 20 different venues on their UK tour. 这个乐队在英国巡回演出期间将在20个不同的地点演出。
• Farmers market corner, 800 meters long, 60 meters wide livestock trading venues. 农牧市场东北角，有长800米，宽60米的牲畜交易场地。 来自互联网

15 abide   

vi.遵守；坚持；vt.忍受

参考例句：

• You must abide by the results of your mistakes.你必须承担你的错误所造成的后果。
• If you join the club,you have to abide by its rules.如果你参加俱乐部，你就得遵守它的规章。

16 shutter   

n.百叶窗；(照相机)快门；关闭装置

参考例句：

• The camera has a shutter speed of one-sixtieth of a second.这架照像机的快门速度达六十分之一秒。
• The shutter rattled in the wind.百叶窗在风中发出嘎嘎声。

17 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

18 psyche   

n.精神；灵魂

参考例句：

• His exploration of the myth brings insight into the American psyche.他对这个神话的探讨揭示了美国人的心理。
• She spent her life plumbing the mysteries of the human psyche.她毕生探索人类心灵的奥秘。

19 ransacked   

v.彻底搜查( ransack的过去式和过去分词 )；抢劫，掠夺

参考例句：

• The house had been ransacked by burglars. 这房子遭到了盗贼的洗劫。
• The house had been ransacked of all that was worth anything. 屋子里所有值钱的东西都被抢去了。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

20 timing   

n.时间安排，时间选择

参考例句：

• The timing of the meeting is not convenient.会议的时间安排不合适。
• The timing of our statement is very opportune.我们发表声明选择的时机很恰当。

21 spotlight   

n.公众注意的中心，聚光灯，探照灯，视听，注意，醒目

参考例句：

• This week the spotlight is on the world of fashion.本周引人瞩目的是时装界。
• The spotlight followed her round the stage.聚光灯的光圈随着她在舞台上转。