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The One Where They All Turn Thirty
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Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
Story by: Vanessa McCarthy
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachel抯 door, whose door frame is decorated with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as well. Rachel opens the door and the gang blow on noisemakers.]
Ross: Happy birthday!!!
Monica: Happy birthday!!!
(Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.)
All: Rach! Come on! Rach!
Monica: It抯 your birthday!
Tag: (entering from her room) Hey.
Chandler: (To Monica) She抯 not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don抰 use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.)
Joey: They do!
Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast!
Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes!
(There is no response from Rachel.)
Ross: We抳e got presents!
(She opens the door.)
Rachel: Good ones?
Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.
Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?
[Flashback to Joey抯 thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandler抯 apartment.]
Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He buries his head in Phoebe抯 lap for comfort.)
[Cut back to Rachel抯 party, everyone is now eating breakfast, except Rachel.]
Rachel: Y択now, I抦 still 29 in Guam.
Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is?
Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this?
Chandler: No Rach, it抯 not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn抰 that much fun.
[Flashback to Chandler抯 thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.]
Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! We抮e all gettin?so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachel抯 still down.]
Monica: Rach, you抮e in a great place in your life. Come on, you抳e got a great job! Good friends?
Joey: Yeah, your roommate is a soap opera star.
Rachel: Look, y択now I know my life抯 going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who抳e accomplished so many other goals by the time they抮e thirty.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn抰 compare yourself to me.
[Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.]
All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on!
Rachel: There you go!
(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That抯 it!! That抯 everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty!
Tag: Come on, let抯 have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you want to do today?
Rachel: Nothing. I don抰 want to do anything.
Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross.
Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child!
[Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB. Which is one of the better British sports cars ever made. Of course, 慴etter?is a relative term. Which reminds me of a joke. Why don抰 the British make computers? Because they couldn抰 figure out how to make them leak oil. Anyway, the gang is all staring at his new purchase.]
Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?!
Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn抰 it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
Ross: That抯 not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars.
Joey: Hey, what抯 the horsepower on this thing?
Ross: (giddy) I don抰 know, but-but look how shiny!
Monica: I can抰 believe you bought this.
Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know it抯 really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.
Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud?
Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
(He starts the car and surprisingly it fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems, which tend not to work, especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise with the car behind him. He抯 completely boxed in and can抰 move more than two inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.)
Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.)
Phoebe: (getting out) Okay, who抯 next?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee.]
Rachel: Y択now what? I am going to do something today. I抦 not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I抦 gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.
Phoebe: Really?! 慍ause y択now that hurts.
Rachel: So what?! Y択now what? The way I see it?Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)桹w! Son of a bitch!!
Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you抮e going through. I抦 totally freaked about turning 25.
Rachel: (glares at him) Get out, get out of my apartment.
Monica: All right Rach, for what it抯 worth, I think that you抮e doing great. I mean y択now let抯 face it, no one handles this well.
Phoebe: Least of all you.
Tag: Why? What you抎 do?
Monica: Weren抰 you asked to leave sonny?
[Flashback to Monica and Chandler抯 apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
Chandler: (To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica抯 gonna be here any minute!
Joey: But it hurt抯 my Joey抯 Apple.
Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It抯 not named for each individual man.
(Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet tuxedo.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) You抳e done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can抰 believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can抰 believe that you would have a tux that抯 thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller抯 shoulder.)
Mr. Geller: It抯 older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.
Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She抯 coming!
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)
Mr. Geller: Crap.
(We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.)
Chandler: (getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what抯 going on.
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachel抯 door.)
Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! (Giggles.)
Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk?
Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and Joey抯 doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later!
Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
Monica: Noo!!!
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: Noo!!
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! (Pause) That they know of.
Chandler: Okay, here抯 the thing. We抮e gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you抮e drunk.
Monica: Really?! You promise?
Chandler: Yeah, I抣l take care of it.
Monica: Okay. I love you so much. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: (laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath.
Monica: What about your breath?! (Breathes on him.)
Chandler: That抯 still yours. Okay, now remember it抯 a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.
Monica: Okay. I can do that.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)
All: Surprise!!!
(Monica screams and they all stare at her.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross抯 birthday, Joey is now trying to get his car out while Ross is directing him.]
Ross: Okay, forward. Forward桽top! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, back桽top! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forward桽top! Stop! Stop!
Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guy抯 got you totally wedged in.
(A beautiful woman approaches.)
Woman: (To Joey) Is this yours?
Joey: Well actually?
Ross: No-no-no! It抯 mine! It抯-it抯 mine. (The woman walks away.)
Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car.
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, here抯 what we抮e gonna do. Okay, I抦 gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
(The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross who抯 tramped inside his car. To hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.)
[Scene: Phoebe抯 birthday, she抯 taking the hippity-hop to Ursula抯 apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) It抯 for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Phoebe: Because it抯 our thirtieth birthday.
Ursula: Yeah, no we抮e not thirty. We抮e 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Ursula: Oh, it抯 you.
Phoebe: Yeah. What?!
Ursula: Yeah, we抮e not thirty, we抮e 31.
Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Ursula: Yea-huh! That抯 what is says on my birth certificate.
Phoebe: You have your birth certificate?
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Phoebe: Our mom.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate?
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela?
Ursula: Yes.
Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Phoebe: That抯 my first name.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
[Scene: Monica抯 birthday, it抯 just after the surprise.]
Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress.
Monica: Yay!
Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller who抯 sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller who抯 standing next to him.)
Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug! (Starts to get up.)
Mrs. Geller: (stopping him) Don抰 get up Jack! The safety pins are about to blow.
(They continue their trek.)
Monica: (sees someone) Paul!
Chandler: (correcting her) Phil.
Monica: Phil!
Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) you抮e doing great. You抮e doing great. You抮e doing fine.
(Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their room.)
Phoebe: Hey, what抯 going on?
Chandler: Monica抯 a little drunk.
Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica!
Monica: Awwwww?(Giggles.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe) She doesn抰 want her parents to know she抯 drunk.
Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Here抯 what we抣l do, I抣l get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one will even notice her.
(Chandler walks over to where the rest of the gang is.)
Rachel: What抯-what抯 going on? Phil抯 really pissed!
Chandler: Monica抯 wasted.
Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party.
Chandler: (To Rachel) Okay, will you just go help her change please!
Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey.
Joey: Yep. (Starts for Monica抯 room, but Chandler stops him.)
[Scene: Rachel抯 birthday, everyone is presenting their presents to Rachel.]
Tag: (handing his to her) This one抯 from me.
Rachel: Ahh!
Tag: It wasn抰 on your list, but hopefully you抣l think it抯 really fun.
Rachel: (opening it) A scooter! (She抯 not happy.)
Ross: (to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to the list.
Rachel: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next!
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Now that you抮e a couple, we don抰 get two presents from you guys?
Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card!
Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! It抯 better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) That抯 funny, yeah!
Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!
Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! It抯 funny!
Chandler: No, because you抮e not a grandmother!
Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don抰 have any of those things. That抯 why it抯 so funny. (Runs into her room crying.)
Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!
[Scene: Rachel抯 birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad.]
Ross: Hey! Look who抯 back! It抯 the birthday girl! How抯 the birthday girl feeling?
Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think you抮e bumming out the rest of the kids.
Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.)
Rachel: Okay! Y択now what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids?
Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.
Rachel: As I was saying?I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I抦 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan!
Phoebe: If you could do that, I抎 marry the hippity-hop.
Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I抦 35, I don抰 have to get pregnant until I抦 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant?
Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, it抯 happening!
Rachel: No, so I don抰 have to get married until I抦 33! That抯 three years, that抯 three whole years桹h, wait a minute though. I抣l need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I抎 like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged?Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I抦 thirty.
Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned?Removes two candles from the cake)梩wenty-eight!
Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry!
(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)
Joey: Will you quit hoggin?it!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica抯 birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and Rachel.]
Rachel: (To Chandler) I抦 telling you it抯 like watching Bambi learn how to walk.
Ross: (To Monica) You抮e drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe I抦 a little drunk.
(Monica sits down on the barcalounger.)
Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh that抯 great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.
Joey: (to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes? (The waiter nods) Did I not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?
Chandler: (To Monica) How are you feeling?
Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now! (Growls and pulls him into a kiss.)
Ross: I really wish that you wouldn抰.
Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don抰 talk to anyone.
Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Let抯 hear from the birthday girl! Huh?
Chandler: Pheebs!!
Phoebe: Don抰 you see? Everyone抯 looking at me! The plan抯 working! I didn抰 even have to take off my top yet!
Mrs. Geller: Speech! Come on Monica!
Ross: Come on!
All: Come on! Speech!
(Monica stands up and wobbles slightly and Chandler runs over to catch her.)
Mr. Geller: (filming this) Hey Chandler, you can抰 keep your hands off her for one second!
Mrs. Geller: Oh-ho, I think it抯 nice.
Chandler: I think it抯 necessary. (Backs away anyhow.)
Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends?
Phoebe: (screaming) Wooo!! Hoo!!
Monica: I really like to say that I抦-um?(Pause) Y択now what I抎 really like to say? I抦 drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) That抯 right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dad抯 hands.) And guess what! I抳e been drunk before! And I抳e smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! It抯 all okay. It抯 okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.)
Phoebe: (To Joey) Okay quick, help me get this off! (Motions to her top.)
Joey: Yeah!!
(Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.)
[Scene: Phoebe抯 birthday, she抯 telling everyone what she found out at Ursula抯 while sitting in Central Perk.]
Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I can抰 believe it! This is so unfair!
Joey: Oh, I don抰 know Pheebs. It抣l be okay.
Phoebe: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31?
Joey: That抯 not gonna happen. No. (Looks up) Because we have a new deal!
Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I匢 haven抰 done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31!
Joey: Like what?
Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I haven抰 met any Portuguese people! I, I haven抰 had the perfect kiss! And I haven抰 been to sniper抯 school!
Monica: Phoebe, y択now why don抰 we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake?
Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I抣l see you guys later. Thanks. (Gets up and exits.)
Rachel: Hey. (After she leaves.) Oh, poor Pheebs.
Joey: Hey, y択now what you guys? I think I抦 gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.)
Monica: Oh man!
Chandler: What?
Monica: He抯 gonna eat the cake!
[Cut outside, Joey is catching up with Phoebe.]
Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh, close your eyes. (She does so and Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe that抯 one thing you can cross off your list.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
(Joey starts to walk away, but stops.)
Joey: Oh, and plus I抦 1/16th Portuguese.
Phoebe: Oh! (Phoebe walks away smiling.)
[Scene: Ross抯 birthday, his car is still trapped in its spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car.]
Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? We抮e gonna pick it up卆nd move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We抮e gonna lift the car卆nd slide it out. Lift and slide!
Rachel: Ross, I really don抰 think?
Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide!
Chandler: Okay, here we go.
Ross: All right everyone, lift! (They try to lift the car, of course it doesn抰 raise up) And slide!! (Everyone leans over, but the car still does not move.)
[Scene: Rachel抯 birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter.]
Rachel: Hey Joey, can I?
Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started!
Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag.
Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?
Rachel: Whatever! Okay, I抦 not your mother.
Joey: Okay! (Runs off downstairs.)
Rachel: Not in the street!!
Joey: Yes!
Rachel: (to Tag) Hi.
Tag: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?
Rachel: Yeah, I抦 doing okay. I抦 um卨et抯 talk.
Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)
Rachel: Umm?
Tag: What抯 up?
Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm厃ou抮e such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don抰-I don抰?
Tag: Wait! I think I see where you抮e going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? (Kisses her.)
Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I抦 past the point where I think I can y択now, just have fun.
Tag: Rachel, don抰 do this. This is just because you抮e turning thirty.
Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you抮e just a kid! I mean you抮e 25!
Tag: Twenty-four actually.
Rachel: Oh God! Y択now what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I抦 wishin?for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.
Tag: Me too.
Rachel: Yeah, I抦 sorry. (They hug.)
[Time lapse, Rachel is entering her apartment after breaking up with Tag.]
Chandler: Hey! How抎 it go?
Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?
Phoebe: You did the right thing.
Joey: (entering, limping, and holding his arm) I don抰 like this anymore. (He sits down with them in pain.)
Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds.
Ross: God, do you realize in ten years we抮e gonna be 40?
Joey: (crying) Why God?! Why are you doing this to us?! (He buries his head in Ross抯 shoulder.)
[Scene: Ross抯 birthday, night has fallen and Joey and Ross are walking by where his car is parked to find that both cars blocking him in have left.]
Ross: Yes! My baby抯 finally free!
Joey: All-all right! (They run and jump in the car.) Start it up! Let抯 go!
Ross: (starting it) Woohoo!
(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.)
The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we? (He drives off.)
Ross: You wanna buy a car?
Joey: No.
(Ross shuts it off and they get out.)
Ending Credits
{Transcriber抯 Note: There was no credits scene with this episode.}
End
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