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The One With The Halloween Party
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Written by: Mark Kunerth
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
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[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Chandler and Monica enter. Oh, and Joey is wearing a FDNY T-shirt to make this the first nod to the tragedy that Friends have made.]
Monica: Hey you guys?
Ross: What?
Monica: I know it抯 last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party.
Phoebe: Oh good! (And there抯 general excitement.)
Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. (And there抯 general disconcertment.) Come on! It抣l be fun!
Ross: Well, I抣l-I抣l be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so?
Rachel: Please tell me you抮e not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.
Joey: Look, I抣l come to the party but I抦 not dressing up.
Monica: You have to!
Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone you抮e not?
Chandler: You抮e an actor!
Monica: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.
Joey: That hot girl from their wedding?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh桹oh-ooh, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre桸o-no-no! Slutty Leatherface.
Phoebe: Now wasn抰 Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
Ross: That抯 right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. (To Joey) Please don抰 take her from me.
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, it抯 me! Phoebe!
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Phoebe: Wait a second! So, what抯 new with you?
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, I抦 getting married next week.
Phoebe: What?!
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, it抯 gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, I抦 really happy for you. (Starts to walk away.)
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess that抎 be okay.
Phoebe: Really?
Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Umm, y択now, my friends are having a Halloween party tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could meet the guy you抮e marrying.
Ursula: Huh. Well, I抦 supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. I抦 supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
Phoebe: By the way, it抯 a costume party.
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so that抯 why you抮e?(Motions to what she抯 wearing.)
Phoebe: (looks down) No. But thanks. (Walks away.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, The Halloween party has started. Monica is setting out some food as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: Wait! You抮e supposed to wear a costume!
Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won抰 be able to fit into it.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: Ahh!
Monica: I抦 Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you抮e too big for it.
Rachel: Okay.
(There抯 a knock on the door.)
Kids: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Y択now, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts.
Kids: Trick or treat!!
Rachel: (to them) Just a minute!!! (She takes the candy and opens the door to two parents, a witch, a clown, and a cowgirl.) Look at you guys! Wow! You are a very scary witch. (Gives her candy.)
Witch: Thank you.
Rachel: And you are a very funny clown. (Gives him candy.)
Clown: Thank you.
Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Y択now, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I don抰 suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but?
Cowgirl: (interrupting) Can I just have the candy?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Throws some in her bag and she walks away as Phoebe, dressed as Supergirl walks up and eyes Monica who eyes her back.)
Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica: So we do Supergirl.
Phoebe: No, it抯 me. Phoebe!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume?
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
Monica: What?! I thought he抎 love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: You didn抰 dress up either?!
Joey: Yes I did! I抦 Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened?
Chandler: How is that me?
Joey: Okay. I抦 Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!
Chandler: When have I ever done that?!
Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.)
(There抯 a knock on the door.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! (Opens the door to reveal a ballerina) Well you抮e just the prettiest ballerina I抳e ever seen.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Pirouettes.)
Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Does another ballerina move.)
Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy.
Ballerina: I love you! (Hugs Rachel.)
Rachel: Ohh?Oh, honey here. Take it all. (Pours the entire large bowl into her bag and closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy?
Monica: What?! There抯 only been like four kids.
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.
Ross: (entering) Hey! (He抯 wearing a costume as well.)
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: What are you supposed to be?
Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, I抦 a potato or a卻pud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that he抯 wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes?(They抮e still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow! I don抰 have the worst costume anymore!
Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody.
Ross: No, I-I抦 not doody.
Monica: No, space doody!
(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fianc閑 Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
Eric: Aren抰 you gonna give me a kiss?
Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are.
Eric: Ursula?
Phoebe: Ursula抯 fianc閑?
Eric: Oh my God, you抮e the sister!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-law抯 ass.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Eric: I抦 an idiot. Uh, is your mother here? Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt.
Phoebe: My mother killed herself.
Eric: She, now I knew that and卬ow I抦 sweating. Look at me, I抦 really sweating桸ow I抦 saying, "Look at me," I抦 getting even sweatier. I think I probably should go.
Phoebe: No-no! That抯 okay, we抣l just start over. Okay? Hi! I抦 Phoebe.
Eric: Eric. (They shake hands and he抯 squinting. And, no, it抯 not me.)
Phoebe: Why are you looking at me like that?
Eric: 慍ause the sweat抯 getting in my eyes and its burning.
Phoebe: Okay. (Hands him a napkin.) So, what are you?
Eric: I don抰 think they have a name for it. It抯 just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy.
Phoebe: (laughs) No I-I meant your costume.
Eric: Oh umm, I抦 the solar system. (He抯 wearing a black sweater with the planets glued on around the sun.) Yeah, my students helped me make it桰 teach the second grade.
Phoebe: I love the second grade!
Eric: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah! It抯 so much better than first grade when you don抰 know what抯 going on and definitely better than third grade. Y択now with all the politics and mind games.
Eric: So what do you do?
Phoebe: Umm, I抦 a masseuse卋y day. (Stands with her hands on her hips like a Supergirl pose.)
Eric: Y択now you don抰 have to stand here with me, believe me?
Phoebe: No I抦 having fun. I抦 really桝nd I抦 really-really excited for you and Ursula.
Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, she抯 great. I think she抯 the most beautiful woman I抳e ever seen.
Phoebe: Thank you.
[Time lapse, Monica is going over to talk to Joey.]
Monica: Hey Joey?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: You read comic books right?
Joey: Exclusively.
Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl?
Joey: Catwoman, hands down.
Monica: Yeah?
Joey: But between you and Phoebe, I抎 have to give the edge to Phoebe.
Monica: What?! Really?!
Joey: Are you kiddin? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, she抯 got this crazy temper. She桽he抯 not standing right behind me is she?
Monica: No you抮e fine. (Joey checks anyway.) All right well, do you think I could take Rachel?
Joey: I抦 not sure.
Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! (Her stomach) As hard as you can!
Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesn抰 matter.
Monica: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you say if I told you that, y択now, Ross or Chandler could beat you up?
Joey: I would say, "Woman, please!"
Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursula抯 fianc閑 is really sweet! He抯 a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Y択now normally y択now, I don抰 like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?
Monica: You抮e getting a crush on your sister抯 fianc閑.
Phoebe: No I抦 not! You are!
Joey: (To Monica) Here comes the temper.
(There抯 a knock on the door and Rachel opens it to a little girl.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Hi! Y択now what honey, we抮e actually out of candy right now. But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but I抦 out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check?
Girl: Okay!
Rachel: Okay, what抯 your name?
Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Rachel: Okay, I抦 just gonna write this out to cash.
Mona: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hey Mona!
Chandler: Oh! Hi!
Mona: Hi!
Chandler: Joey抯 gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you抎 come by as a slutty nurse.
Mona: Umm, actually I抦 just a nurse.
Chandler: You抎 think that would embarrass me, but you see I抦 maxed out.
Ross: Hey!
Mona: Hi!
Ross: You made it!
Mona: Wait-wait! You抮e umm, you抮e a potato?
Ross: Well, I抦 a spud?
Mona: And the antennae匫h my God you抮e Spudnik!
Ross: Yes!
Chandler: (To Ross) Marry her.
[Cut to Joey and Monica.]
Joey: Okay, here抯 a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler.
Monica: I can抰 answer that! Chandler抯 my husband.
Joey: So Ross?
Monica: Yeah.
[Cut to Phoebe and Eric.]
Eric: Hey beautiful.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Eric: Two weeks ago.
Phoebe: Two weeks? That抯 it?
Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it抯 not like me to do something so impulsive, but she抯 just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
Phoebe: Oh really?
Eric: We抮e both teachers.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I don抰 know.")
Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met.
Ursula: Yeah. It wasn抰 a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
Eric: Sure.
(They walk away.)
[Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]
Chandler: Howdy doody.
Ross: That抯 funny. Yeah. Y択now you抮e the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You抮e looking a little flushed.
Joey: (To Monica) Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question.
Chandler: What question?
Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
Chandler: There抯 no question.
Joey: So you think Ross too?
(Monica turns around slowly.)
Chandler: (To Monica) You picked Ross?!
Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, he抯 the strongest out of all three of you! (Joey looks at her.) Except for Joey.
Chandler: I cannot believe you didn抰 pick me.
Ross: Uh, in her defense, she抯 right. I am stronger. I would destroy you.
Chandler: Oh really?! You think you抮e stronger? Why don抰 you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)
Ross: Oh I抣l prove it! I抣l prove it like a theorem!!
(They start to fight with Ross pulling on Chandler抯 ears and Chandler hitting Ross over the head with his carrot.)
Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! (Breaks it up.) Now listen, no one抯 gonna fight in this apartment.
Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to see a fight, let抯 give 慹m what they came for!
Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.
Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.
Chandler: (To Ross) You抮e going down.
Ross: Oh yeah? You抮e going further down! Downtown!
Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the party continues with Rachel leaning on the counter as Gunther walks in carrying candy.]
Rachel: Oh Gunther! You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet.
Gunther: Really?
Rachel: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world.
(There抯 a knock on the door.)
Kid: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go! (Hands him some candy.)
Boy in the Cape: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.
Rachel: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now we抳e got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I抎 rather have the money.
Rachel: Well, that-that抯 not your choice. Happy Halloween!
Boy in the Cape: This isn抰 fair.
Rachel: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up!
Rachel: You shut up!
(The gang gets interested now.)
Boy in the Cape: You can抰 tell me to shut up!
Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up!
Joey: Rach?
Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I know桰抦 good桰 got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, I抳e got one more thing I have to say to you卭h right! Shut up!
Boy in the Cape: You抮e a mean old woman. (Runs away.)
Rachel: No! Wait no! Shut up桰 mean don抰 cry! Let me get my checkbook! (Grabs her checkbook and runs after him.)
[Cut to Mona and Joey clearing the dining room table for the grudge match between Chandler and Ross.]
Monica: (To Chandler) Look honey, you don抰 have to do this, okay? It抯 the strength you have inside that means the most to me. You抮e loyal, you抮e honest, and you have integrity! That抯 the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love!
Chandler: That means nothing to me. (To Ross) Come on!
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandler抯, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Phoebe: Hi liar!
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: Y択now the only reason he抯 marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true.
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Phoebe: But they抮e not!
Ursula: Yeah, it抯 a fine line huh?
Phoebe: Why are you lying to him?
Ursula: I don抰 know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Eric: (entering) Honey?
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebe抯 face) It抯 a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Eric: She抯 helped so many people to quit smoking.
Ursula: Y択now, we抎 really better get going.
Eric: Oh right, you抳e got a church group meeting tonight.
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
Eric: (To Phoebe) Well, it was nice meeting you.
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
Joey: (entering) Pheebs come on! Bunny vs. Doody! We抮e waiting! (They go inside.) (To Chandler and Ross.) Okay. Okay guys, one match, winner take all. (They grasp each other抯 hand in preparation for battle.) Oh wait-wait! What does the winner get?
Ross: Pride.
Chandler: And dignity.
Joey: (laughing) Okay, if you say so. All right, ready? Set! Go!
(They start wrestling, only they are unable to move either one抯 arm despite a huge strain on their faces and a cheering crowd.)
[Time Lapse: the crowd has left and only Mona, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are still watching to see who will be able to move the other抯 arm first. An event that has yet to happen.]
Mona: (To Joey) Wow! They抮e both really strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.
Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh God!
Phoebe: Hmm?
Monica: Chandler抯 making his sex face.
(Basically Chandler抯 face looks like he抯 not all there and is staring off into the distance?
Ross: (To Chandler) So, you gettin?tired?
Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day.
Ross: Yeah? Me too. (Pause) Gettin?a little tired though.
Chandler: God, I抦 exhausted.
Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Mona抯 standing right over there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, she抯 talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!
Chandler: No way! If anything you抳e gotta let me win! My wife thinks I抦 a wimp!
Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin?people up! And I抦 dressed as doody.
Chandler: You抮e Spudnik.
Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? I抦 doody. Please? She抯 watchin?
Chandler: Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no!
Ross: (celebrating) Oh yeah!
Mona: (clapping) Yay! My hero!
Joey: (to her) You抮e a weird lady.
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Phoebe: Oh.
Eric: (finds it) What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.
Phoebe: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Well, I guess I抣l see you at the wedding. (Exits and Phoebe follows him into the hall.)
Phoebe: Umm listen, I don抰 think匢 don抰 think I抦 gonna make it to the wedding. So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world.
Eric: I think we抣l be okay. Besides it抯 so perfect and (whispering) she抯 been saving herself for me.
Phoebe: Okay I can抰 let you do this! She抯 lying to you.
Eric: What?
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursula抯 purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. Yeah桸ot a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, here抯 the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, here抯 her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Eric: She told me she was 25.
Phoebe: Oh, I almost don抰 want to show this. (Hands it to him.) Just remember I抦 a minute younger.
Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! She抯 not a teacher. There抯 not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies.
Phoebe: No. You抮e not, you抮e not stupid.
Eric: I抦 not smart. (Phoebe has no comeback.) I just wanted so much to卋e impulsive once. To be romantic.
Phoebe: That抯 good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just厃ou did it with the wrong person. (He looks at her.) What?
Eric: It抯 just so weird, two people look so much alike, and so different.
Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Let抯 go!!
Eric: I抎 better go, deal?
Phoebe: Yeah, you should. (They shake hands.)
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursula抯 purse and he walks away.)
[Time Lapse: Rachel is returning from chasing down the boy in the cape.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Well, I had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying.
Joey: That抯 not so bad.
Rachel: No, I also had to go to a couple houses with him as his girlfriend. Oh, I am just awful with children!
Joey: Come on! You抮e good with kids. They抮e just crazy on Halloween. Y択now, they抮e all greedy and hopped up on sugar!
Rachel: Really? You think that抯 all it is?
Joey: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas卆nd their birthdays. Kinda get a little crazy during the summer too. And anytime they抮e hungry or sleepy. Y択now, kids are tough. Good luck with that. (Walks away.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are standing in the kitchen.]
Monica: Look, I wanted to tell I抦-I抦 sorry you lost.
Chandler: Listen, I抳e got a secret for ya. I let him win.
Monica: (laughs) Is that a secret or a lie.
Chandler: No, I let him win桼oss!
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: Would you tell her I let you win please?
Ross: Oh. Yeah. (Sarcastically) Uh Chandler let me win. No, Chandler抯 really strong. Oh my arm is so sore. Oh nurse! (Waddles over to Mona.)
Chandler: I am strong! I抣l show you! (He sits down at the table.)
Monica: Chandler please!
Chandler: Oh what抯 the matter? Are you scared?
Monica: Let抯 go big bunny!
(They assume the starting position.)
Chandler: Okay. 1??桮o! (Once again he抯 at a stalemate, but this time he抯 in pain.) (Pause) I抦 gonna kill myself!
End
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