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(单词翻译:双击或拖选)
美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南·奥布莱恩为2011年达特茅斯学院做了毕业致辞。前半部分有很多搞笑串场，后半部分柯南跟大家分享了自己的经历和人生经验：正是那些既定想法的失败，才使我们成为独一无二的人！以下是演讲全文：
I've been living in Los Angeles for two years, and I've never been this cold in my life. I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves. Anybody. I'm serious. I have the cash.
Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.
Graduates, faculty1, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things: Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce2. I'm talking about dropout3 losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.
My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate4 that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend.
That was great.
And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight5. Deal with it. Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.
I would like to thank President Kim for inviting6 me here today. After my phone call with President Kim, I decided7 to find out a little bit about the man. He goes by President Kim and Dr. Kim. To his friends, he's Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, "Stinky Pete." He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential8 People in 2006. Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating9 for? Seriously. We get it. You're smart. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as a world-class anthropologist10, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times.
But I thank you for inviting me here, Stinky Pete, and it is an honor. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity11, you should know that I once sat where you sit. Literally12. Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat. I did it to prove a point: I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.
But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car.
You know, New Hampshire is such a special place. When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, "Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state where Ben and Jerry's ice cream is made."
But don't get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously. When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity13 many of you have devoted14 to an important term paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser15. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said "Dartmouth College is a private Ivy16 League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States." Thank you and good luck.
To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic17 patterns. In fact, just this morning I left Baker18 Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP.
Yes, I've done my research. This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty. Your school motto is "Vox clamantis in deserto," which means "Voice crying out in the wilderness20." This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard. Apparently21, it narrowly beat out "Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub22" and "Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants." Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked it up—"it was the only color that had not been taken already." I cannot remember hearing anything so sad. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not. You have graduated more great fictitious23 Americans than any other college. Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy24. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward to next years' Valedictory25 Address by your esteemed26 classmate, Count Chocula. Of course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury27 Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what you're going to say, Dartmouth, you're going to say, well "We've got Dr. Seuss." Well guess what, we're all tired of hearing about Dr. Seuss. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle. In the literary community, that's called cheating.
Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don't even think you deserve a real podium. I'm sorry. What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor28: Nova Scotia. Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.
No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud.
Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling29 who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly30, who gives a shit.
Yes, I've always had a special bond with this school. In fact, this is my second time coming here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place back then. I made the trip up from Boston on a mule31 and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus. No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction32. It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders. Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed33 to return.
But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money, I was forced to enroll34 in a small, local commuter35 school, a pulsating36 sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River. I was a miserable37 wretch38, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth?
If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic39 to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.
If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I'd be wearing a fleece thong40 instead of a lace thong.
If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn't know the second verse to "Dear Old Dartmouth." Face it, none of you do. You all mumble41 that part.
If I had gone to Dartmouth, I'd have a liver the size and consistency42 of a bean bag chair.
Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today I'd be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome43 that would be.
You are a great school, and you deserve a historic commencement address. That's right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world. To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous "Iron Curtain" speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth44 my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it "The Conan Doctrine45." Under "The Conan Doctrine":
- All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master's degrees. All master's degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.
- Under "The Conan Doctrine," Winter Carnival46 will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association.
- Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick-ass like "The Jade47 Blade," the "Seafoam Avenger," or simply "Lime-Zilla."
- The D-Plan and "quarter system" will finally be updated to "the one sixty-fourth system." Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore48 4th of July.
- Under "The Conan Doctrine," I will re-instate Tubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk. Don't let those bastards49 do it.
And finally, under "The Conan Doctrine," all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander50 with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the history of the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!
Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like "reach for the stars." Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés. Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.
- First, adult acne lasts longer than you think. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.
- Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.
- Here's another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.
- And finally, wearing colorful Converse51 high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.
Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down:
- Many of your children you haven't seen them in four years. Well, now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working.
- If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only place where they are now really qualified52 to get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that degree.
- The traffic today on East Wheelock is going to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middle of the K's.
And, I have to tell you this:
- You will spend more money framing your child's diploma than they will earn in the next six months. It's tough out there, so be patient. The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels.
Yes, you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there. And one of the reasons it's so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won't come back. Of course I'm speaking generally.
But enough. This is not a time for grim prognostications or negativity. No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell you.
Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say. But then 2010 came. And now I'm here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share it with you. In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."
Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured53 and helped define me for the better part of 17 years. I went from being in the center of the grid54 to not only off the grid, but underneath55 the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid. It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.
But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things. I grew a strange, cinnamon beard. I dove into the world of social media. I started tweeting my comedy. I threw together a national tour. I played the guitar. I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature56 and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms57 created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman. I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational58 things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.
How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things more liberating59 in this life than having your worst fear realized. I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going. At Harvard, five different guys in my class told me that they would one day be President of the United States. Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs. The other one briefly60 hosted Blues61 Clues, before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out. Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.
Way back in the 1940s there was a very, very funny man named Jack19 Benny. He was a giant star, easily one of the greatest comedians63 of his generation. And a much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be Jack Benny. In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't. He emulated64 Jack Benny, but his own quirks65 and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction. And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation. David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson, and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman. And none of us are. My peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways. But the point is this : It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst66 for profound re-invention.
So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively67 pursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian62 was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality68.
Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay. Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined. Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation69 changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech. I know I have. But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured70 in the fall of 2007.
I have told you many things today, most of it foolish but some of it true. I'd like to end my address by breaking a taboo71 and quoting myself from 17 months ago. At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said "Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen." Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more.
Thank you very much, and congratulations.
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faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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workforce
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| n.劳动大军，劳动力 | |
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dropout
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| n.退学的学生；退学；退出者 | |
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illustrate
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| v.举例说明，阐明；图解，加插图 | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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inviting
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| adj.诱人的，引人注目的 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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influential
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| adj.有影响的，有权势的 | |
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compensating
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| 补偿，补助，修正 | |
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anthropologist
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| n.人类学家，人类学者 | |
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celebrity
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| n.名人，名流；著名，名声，名望 | |
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literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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browser
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| n.浏览者 | |
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ivy
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| n.常青藤，常春藤 | |
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linguistic
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| adj.语言的，语言学的 | |
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baker
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| n.面包师 | |
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jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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wilderness
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| n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等，荒漠 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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shrub
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| n.灌木，灌木丛 | |
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fictitious
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| adj.虚构的，假设的；空头的 | |
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anatomy
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| n.解剖学，解剖；功能，结构，组织 | |
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valedictory
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| adj.告别的；n.告别演说 | |
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esteemed
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| adj.受人尊敬的v.尊敬( esteem的过去式和过去分词 )；敬重；认为；以为 | |
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treasury
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| n.宝库；国库，金库；文库 | |
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survivor
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| n.生存者，残存者，幸存者 | |
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sibling
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| n.同胞手足(指兄、弟、姐或妹) | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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mule
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| n.骡子，杂种，执拗的人 | |
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junction
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| n.连接，接合；交叉点，接合处，枢纽站 | |
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vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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enroll
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| v.招收；登记；入学；参军；成为会员（英)enrol | |
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commuter
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| n.(尤指市郊之间)乘公交车辆上下班者 | |
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pulsating
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| adj.搏动的，脉冲的v.有节奏地舒张及收缩( pulsate的现在分词 )；跳动；脉动；受（激情）震动 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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wretch
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| n.可怜的人，不幸的人；卑鄙的人 | |
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allergic
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| adj.过敏的，变态的 | |
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thong
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| n.皮带；皮鞭；v.装皮带 | |
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mumble
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| n./v.喃喃而语，咕哝 | |
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consistency
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| n.一贯性，前后一致，稳定性；(液体的)浓度 | |
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awesome
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| adj.令人惊叹的，难得吓人的，很好的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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doctrine
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| n.教义；主义；学说 | |
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carnival
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| n.嘉年华会，狂欢，狂欢节，巡回表演 | |
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jade
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| n.玉石；碧玉；翡翠 | |
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sophomore
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| n.大学二年级生；adj.第二年的 | |
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bastards
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| 私生子( bastard的名词复数 )； 坏蛋； 讨厌的事物； 麻烦事 （认为别人走运或不幸时说）家伙 | |
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pander
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| v.迎合；n.拉皮条者，勾引者；帮人做坏事的人 | |
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converse
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| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
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qualified
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| adj.合格的，有资格的，胜任的，有限制的 | |
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nurtured
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| 养育( nurture的过去式和过去分词 )； 培育； 滋长； 助长 | |
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grid
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| n.高压输电线路网；地图坐标方格；格栅 | |
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underneath
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| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
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stature
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| n.（高度）水平，（高度）境界，身高，身材 | |
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sitcoms
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| n.情景喜剧( sitcom的名词复数 ) | |
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irrational
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| adj.无理性的，失去理性的 | |
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liberating
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| 解放，释放( liberate的现在分词 ) | |
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briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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61
blues
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| n.抑郁，沮丧；布鲁斯音乐 | |
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62
comedian
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| n.喜剧演员；滑稽演员 | |
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63
comedians
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| n.喜剧演员，丑角( comedian的名词复数 ) | |
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64
emulated
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| v.与…竞争( emulate的过去式和过去分词 )；努力赶上；计算机程序等仿真；模仿 | |
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65
quirks
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| n.奇事，巧合( quirk的名词复数 )；怪癖 | |
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66
catalyst
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| n.催化剂，造成变化的人或事 | |
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67
obsessively
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| ad.着迷般地，过分地 | |
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68
originality
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| n.创造力，独创性；新颖 | |
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69
orientation
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| n.方向，目标；熟悉，适应，情况介绍 | |
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70
conjured
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| 用魔术变出( conjure的过去式和过去分词 )； 祈求，恳求； 变戏法； （变魔术般地） 使…出现 | |
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71
taboo
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| n.禁忌，禁止接近，禁止使用；adj.禁忌的；v.禁忌，禁制，禁止 | |
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