Rachel: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it?

Joey: Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago.

(Emma cries)

Rachel: Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy.

Joey: But he's the same.

Rachel: Yeah, I think she wants the old one back.

Joey: But he's the same.

Rachel: Joey, come on!

Joey: He's the same!

(they exchange Hugsy's).

Joey: (to the new Hugsy) You're not the same!

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Enter Monica]

Monica: Haha!

Phoebe: You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed you into the building.

Monica: So Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door.

Phoebe: Those are my shoes.

Monica: Oh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping.

Phoebe: Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me, but I'm actually feeling a lot better. Yeah, I just kinda want to be alone right now.

(Someone knocks on the door)

Monica: Who's that? (goes to open door)

Phoebe: I ordered Chinese food.

(Monica opens the door and Mike is standing at the doorway)

Phoebe: What are the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send Mike!?

Monica: (To Mike) What are you doing here?

Mike: Phoebe called me.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: I'm sorry, I broke down... I wanted to see him.

Monica: Damnit Phoebe! How did you even call him?

Phoebe: There is a speakerphone on the base unit...

Monica: Base Unit! Think Monica! Think!

Mike: Look, if I wanna see Phoebe and she wants to see...

Monica: (to Mike) This doesn't concern you!!

Mike: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name!

Monica: Look, guys, you can't do this, it's just going to make getting over each other, that much harder.

Phoebe: Not if nothing happens. Why can't... why can't we just hang out as friends?

Monica: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend (to Phoebe) and Mike's friend (Mike is sceptical).

Phoebe: Sit down.

(Phoebe and Mike sit next to each other)

Monica: Oh wow wow wow!! Make room for your friend! (sits herself down between them)

Mike: (to Phoebe) So how've you been?

Monica: I've been pretty good!

Mike: (to Phoebe) You look really beautiful.

Phoebe: Thanks, you look good too.

Monica: Oh no no no no... this is dangerous territory. Keep it clean!

Phoebe: So how's the piano playing going?

Mike: Actually I've been playing a lot of love songs lately. I've missed you.

Phoebe: I've missed you too.

(Silence)

Monica: You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment: Ross is doing something on his laptop when Chandler walks in]

Chandler: Hey, Ross, I just wanted to apologize... (­looks at laptop screen)..don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me?

Ross: uhu uhu, check this out. (Chandler sits down and looks at laptop screen)

Chandler: Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out are ya?

Ross: Eh..actually no, I don't need to because your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work, ok, there were no responses. Nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke my friend is on you. Nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead. (silence) Oh my God! Nobody cares that I'm dead!?

Chandler: No, come on, you know that's not true.

Ross: What are you talking about? You get sixty responses just for coming out of the closet! I didn't get one response! And I'm dead!

Chandler: Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community.

Ross: I can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner? And I carried that guy! (gets up from his sofa)

Chandler: Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that you're dead .This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief.

Ross: You're right. There isn't a decent outlet.

Chandler: Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure that if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come.

Ross: Exactly!! (sits back down at his laptop and starts typing)

Chandler: Ross, what're you... what're you... what are you doing? (looks at laptop screen)You're having a memorial service for yourself!?

Ross: No! That would be stupid! You're having it for me!

Chandler: Ross, don't press send, don't press se... !

Ross: oh, too late, too late! It's sent... oops sorry and so is the picture of you and the police man...

[Scene: Joey's room: Joey is sitting on his bed reading DooL transcript when Rachel walks in]

Rachel: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap, have you seen Hugsy?

Joey: Original or crappy?

Rachel: Original.

Joey: No, sorry haven't seen him.

Rachel: Then what's that big lump under your covers?

Joey: It's Monica, ok?

Rachel: That's not Monica!

Joey: Alright!! Fine! It's original Hugsy! No, now I know that Emma wants him but he's mine and I need him..

Rachel: (to herself) Oh God.

Joey: ... she's being unreasonable!

Rachel: (yelling) Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves that stupid penguin so much (Joey covers Hugsy's ears) Oh don't cover its ears! (stops yelling) It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey!

Joey: It does?

Rachel: Yeah! And she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much.

Joey: Really? She... she loves me?

Rachel: Oh yeah! But you know what? If you need Hugsy, don't worry. Emma will totally understand. I won't... but whatever (She leaves the room).

Joey: Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute, I mean Rach, I mean if if... . If Hugsy means that much to Emma then... well she can have him.

Rachel: Oooh... you're sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up. (Turns to face Emma in the the playpen) Look Emma, look who's baaack!

Joey: Look forget it forget it... I can't do it.

Rachel: Are you gonna... you're going to take Hugsy away from a little child?

Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place?

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment: Phoebe, Monica and Mike sitting on the couch]

(Monica is getting up from the couch)

Monica: Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Now I don't want anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it.

Mike: I've missed you so much! No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back together because I know we want different things, but just to be with you one more night.

Phoebe: I know, I want that too, but IS that going to make it too hard?

Mike: It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would have been the last time... I never would have stopped.

Monica: (running back into the room) Kiss him, you fool!!

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will!

Phoebe: Oh, I missed you so much! (she kisses Mike)

Strange man: (he bounds into the house) I knew you'd be here!

Mike: Oh, crap!

Phoebe: Who is this?

Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.

Monica: Hi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe!

Manny: Well, you are not doing a very good job!

Monica: Excuse me?

Manny: What's with the kissing?

Monica: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.

Manny: Oh yeah yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing!

Monica: You didn't hear the speech!

Manny: I've heard the speech: (in a mocking voice) "if he knew it was gonna be the last time he saw her... "

Monica: Hey, it was very moving! You're just heartless!

Manny: You're weak!

Monica: You're... weird!

Manny: Your pants are undone!

Monica: Oh (realizes her pants are undone and zips them up)!

Manny: (looking at the sofa) Where did they go?

Monica: Damn it!

Manny: Oh we blew it. I blame myself.

Monica: And I blame you too.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]

Ross: It's been an hour and not one of my classmates has shown up! I tell you, when I actually die some people are gonna get seriously haunted!

(someone knocks on the door)

Chandler: There you go! Someone came!

Ross: Ok, ok! I'm gonna go hide! Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner! (he hides in the bedroom and closes the door)

(Chandler and Monica go open the door)

Monica: Hi, glad you could come.

Chandler: (in a mournful voice) Please, come in.

Tom: Hi, you're Chandler Bing, right? I'm Tom Gordon, I was in your class.

Chandler: Oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat.

Tom: Thanks... uh... I'm so sorry about Ross, it's...

Chandler: At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps (he goes in the bedroom)

Ross: Who is he?

Chandler: Some guy, Tom Gordon.

Ross: I don't remember him, but then again I touched so many lives. (they press their ears

against the door)

Monica: So, did you know Ross well?

Tom: Oh, actually I barely knew him. Yeah, I came because I heard Chandler's news. D'you know if he's seeing anyone?

Monica: (a bit surprised) Yes, he is. Me.

Tom: What? You... You... Oh! Can I ask you a personal question? Ho-how do you shave your beard so close?

Chandler: (entering, very upset) Ok Tommy, that's enough mourning for you! Here we go, bye bye!! (he shoves him out the door)

Tom: (before leaving) Hey, listen. Call me.

Chandler: Ok! (shuts the door behind Tom)

Ross: (coming in) I'm dead and no one cares?

Monica: I look like a man??

Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!

Ross: It isn't ridiculous, look around! No one's here!

Chandler: You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand!

Ross: Yes, you're right. Still somebody must have seen it... I mean, I went to that school for 4 years, I didn't have an impact on anyone?

Chandler: Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something?

Ross: (sceptical) Yeah...

(someone knocks on the door) Oh, great. More party boys for Chandler!

Chandler: I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. (Ross hides in the bedroom again)

(Chandlers opens the door. A beautiful woman stands at the doorway.)

Kori: Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.

Chandler: Kori? Kori Weston?

Kori: Yeah...

Chandler: Wow! You look amazing!

Kori: And you are...

Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all.

Monica: You are married though.

Chandler: Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! (lets her in)

Kori: I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad.

Chandler: I didn't know Ross and you were so close.

Kori: We weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great guy and he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him.

Chandler: I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently.

Kori: I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance.

Ross: (he bounds into the lounge room) But you didn't! I'm still alive!! Kori, I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story but the things you just said really made my day! I mean, the fact that you are here means more to me than if this room were filled with people!

Kori: You sick freak, who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you! (she leaves and slams the door behind her)

Ross: Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me!!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Ross' apartment]

Ross: (on the phone) No Mum, I'm not dead. I know it's not something to kid about. It was just a practical joke between Chandler and me, but it's over, ok? (pause) Actually no, even if I had died, you would not be left childless. (pause) Monica?

END